enmeshment

[healingmyheart]

ENMESHMENT - Condition where two or more people weave their lives and identities around each each so tightly woven that it is very difficult for them to function independently.

Enmeshment was a huge part of my relationship with my ex.  We had to do everything together.  We really didn't have independent lives separate from each other the whole two years we were together.  When I'd try to do something with a girlfriend, he would discourage it or find a reason why I shouldn't... .  control, control.

Also, I find interesting that when we were at the point of breaking up, my ex seemed just as worried about how our breakup was going to affect our immediate families as he was with us.  What about his daughter or my daughter, what is she going to think?  What about his dad, he will be so upset?  I think it was just as hard for him to accept losing the peripheral family as it was me because he needed the feeling of being part of a "family" and he didn't want to lose anyone else in his life. 

[dharmagems]

pwBPDs are living through their partners.  Their identity is the non's identity.  And about the breakup, they want to control how the world sees them because they don't have an identity.

[Matt]

pwBPDs are living through their partners.  Their identity is the non's identity.  And about the breakup, they want to control how the world sees them because they don't have an identity.

I think that's very true.  And it's also kind of true of the rest of us too.  I remember when my marriage ended, I was upset about all these aspects - my family, her family, the kids, friends... .  it's just an upsetting time, and everything is disrupted and uncertain.

Stolemysoul, where are you at right now?  What are your steps forward?

[healingmyheart]

Matt,  Thank you for asking and caring.  I'm one week out of our breakup.  My ex lied and deceived me and ultimately the abuse to my daughter and I was the final straw.  I kicked him out... .  what choice did I have.  Staying was not an option for me. 

Im seeing a counselor, making my self do something for me everyday.  Going to the gym and working out is partly my therapy too.  Spending lots of quality time with my daughter is great. 

Some days are easier than others.  I still care and yes, love my ex.  But I love what I thought we had and it seems that was all a fairytale. 

I will be ok... .  as a mom you move forward for your children even when you don't feel like it because they need you to be strong.  My daughters grateful to have her mom back.  I feel sorry for my ex... .  he is going to continue down his path of ultimate abandonment over and over again.  Such a shame, he is very handsome and on the surface a great guy.  My dad even liked him and when we broke up he said "boy, I never saw this coming". 

[Matt]

"abuse to your daughter and you" - what kind of abuse?  Is that still continuing, or are you still concerned it will happen again?

[healingmyheart]

Abuse was verbal and now that I've made him leave and there is NC it is not an issue

[Matt]

Good.  Verbal abuse is hurtful in itself, and it can lead to other stuff.  Communicating by e-mail will help, because there is a record, and you can share it with others, like your lawyer, if needed.

If you need to interact with him by phone or face-to-face, maybe you can include a non-family adult third party, and in some states it's OK to audio-record, so there is a record of that too.

Sounds like you're doing the right stuff - counseling, exercise, etc.

What I found was that losing the marriage was a big loss, kind of like you say - not because of what it really was, but because of the fantasy of what I thought it would be, or could be, if only... .