I left my ex BPD gf and I constantly fear she will come harass me again

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone. I am really troubled and would greatly appreciate support from you guys. 

I broke up with my ex BPD gf after our relationship turned sour. We've dated for 2 years.

After the breakup, she continuously harassed me to make my living very miserable. I started NC and she had once forcibly came into my apartment at college by faking a suicide (had to tell the cops it was a fake threat).

So to avoid her, I escaped to the home town of my roommate. But now, I had to come back to my own hometown. She called me again today, and I didn't answer. So she called my dad. She lives only 20 minutes away from here and I am afraid she'll do the same thing to at my house. I am afraid she'll come to my front door and fake a suicide again. So I am having anxiety that tomorrow, I have to hesitate about calling the cop while she is pounding on my door.

What should I do if this happens? I am afraid that after calling the police, she'll leave and I will be looking like an idiot. If I let her in, I will be suffering another episode of being dehumanized and threatened by her violent self harm behaviors to try to get me back with her.

[Pork Chop]

Hi everyone. I am really troubled and would greatly appreciate support from you guys. 

I broke up with my ex BPD gf after our relationship turned sour. We've dated for 2 years.

After the breakup, she continuously harassed me to make my living very miserable. I started NC and she had once forcibly came into my apartment at college by faking a suicide (had to tell the cops it was a fake threat).

So to avoid her, I escaped to the home town of my roommate. But now, I had to come back to my own hometown. She called me again today, and I didn't answer. So she called my dad. She lives only 20 minutes away from here and I am afraid she'll do the same thing to at my house. I am afraid she'll come to my front door and fake a suicide again. So I am having anxiety that tomorrow, I have to hesitate about calling the cop while she is pounding on my door.

What should I do if this happens? I am afraid that after calling the police, she'll leave and I will be looking like an idiot. If I let her in, I will be suffering another episode of being dehumanized and threatened by her violent self harm behaviors to try to get me back with her.

[WT]

Do you have any way of recording her behavior?  That should help convince the police that she's harassing you.

[Pork Chop]

I get a lot text messages like "I miss you", "please respond, this is important", "you murderer" etc and I always delete them after the fact to not remind myself. Otherwise, I just have a few call history from her which I feel like is not evidence. I could record a video but I feel like that is tricky to do and very disrespectful... .  

I mean, she forces me to do things when she enter my apartment by using suicide as threat, so I feel like recording her would immediately trigger that. If she was an actual thief I'd call the cops in a heartbeat. Sorry for sounding so negative. I honestly think your advise is the most logical and correct, but I just don't know how to collect such evidence.

[FogLight]

I could record a video but I feel like that is tricky to do and very disrespectful... .  

Nah, showing up at your house uninvited and using fake suicide threats to manipulate you is disrespectful.  Your best bet IF she actually pulls that stunt is to record her.  It's not a matter of disrespecting her, it's a matter of respecting yourself.

And yeah recording her could be tricky, surveillance cameras are handy though.  But regardless, you should DEFINITELY call the police if she pulls a stunt like that.

[Pork Chop]

Summary of her behaviors:

Refusing to leave my apartment for extended period of time (twice overnight)

Blocking my attempt to exit my own apartment (multiple times)

Waiting for me outside class (one time, but this doesn't count because this was the first few things she did and I didn't reject, however, I am afraid this will happen because I broke contact and she knows my classes. So I don't respond, she can still come to my classes)

Hitting my face (once, during our break up)

Pounding the door of my apartment (once, she became quite violent and threw her own phone such that it broke)

Calling, texting after NC

[WT]

You should probably either set up a camera somewhere that can record what she's doing without you needing to hold it and/or keep some type of audio recorder in your pocket that can record what she says.

[Pork Chop]

I could record a video but I feel like that is tricky to do and very disrespectful... .  

Nah, showing up at your house uninvited and using fake suicide threats to manipulate you is disrespectful.  Your best bet IF she actually pulls that stunt is to record her.  It's not a matter of disrespecting her, it's a matter of respecting yourself.

And yeah recording her could be tricky, surveillance cameras are handy though.  But regardless, you should DEFINITELY call the police if she pulls a stunt like that.

Thank you. I understand now. IF should this happen, I will get a video camera, start recording, and let her in. I'll inform her that she is being recorded. If she doesn't leave, I will call the police. If she threatens suicide, I will call the ambulance. I feel like this is the foolproof way for dealing with this except if she destroys my camera in the process. Also, this will be in my own home and I feel that I can record anything I wish within my home.

[FogLight]

Letting her through the door sounds like a huge mistake.  Personally, I wouldn't even mention to her that she is being recorded.  I doubt she would take that very well haha.  Anyway, do whatever you have to do to protect yourself and your property, she sounds like my ex, and lots of others'.

[WT]

There's literally no need to inform her that she's being recorded.  You're free to record whatever you want on your own property, and as FogLight pointed out, it might only make things worse.  I would only tell her that she's being recorded if things escalate to the point of violence, destruction, or if she won't leave.  And I agree with FogLight in that you shouldn't invite her in.  You have way more protection under the law if you don't invite her in.

[Pork Chop]

I see. Thank you guys for the analysis. I will update this thread later when things settle down.

[GreenMango]

I could record a video but I feel like that is tricky to do and very disrespectful... .  

Nah, showing up at your house uninvited and using fake suicide threats to manipulate you is disrespectful.  Your best bet IF she actually pulls that stunt is to record her.  It's not a matter of disrespecting her, it's a matter of respecting yourself.

And yeah recording her could be tricky, surveillance cameras are handy though.  But regardless, you should DEFINITELY call the police if she pulls a stunt like that.

Thank you. I understand now. IF should this happen, I will get a video camera, start recording, and let her in. I'll inform her that she is being recorded. If she doesn't leave, I will call the police. If she threatens suicide, I will call the ambulance. I feel like this is the foolproof way for dealing with this except if she destroys my camera in the process. Also, this will be in my own home and I feel that I can record anything I wish within my home.

Hey Pork Chop it sounds like a lot of chaos she is bringing around you and the other things going on with being hit and having her block your exit.

Part of exiting out of a situation like this, because there's some real risks for you here, is to try and minimize the conflict and to protect yourself.  Treating this lightheartedly might not be helpful... .  read up on some of the male members going through a divorce and the false domestic violence claims. 

Piece of advice - this needs to handled in a mature, level headed adult fashion.  You sound young-but I'm guessing you are old enough to find yourself on the wrong side of the law if this goes south.  Take it seriously.

Check out this thread:TOOLS: Responding to domestic violence [men]

And this one:Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder

Do either of these apply or give some options?

FYI letting her in and then telling her you are recording her, considering what you wrote about her ability to escalate, is a very bad idea... .  like inviting a world of hurt on yourself by escalating this yourself.

[Pork Chop]

She is definitely causing a lot of chaos in my life. I feel like my immature reaction to this is because I am paranoid about having to deal with the confrontation.

You are right, I am young (20 yo) and have very little experience dealing with complicated situations like this, which is why I feel so stuck. To make matters worse, I have been really secluded from my friends during our relationship. It was extremely hard to break up with her because she was my best and only friend... .  I only started becoming actually close with my roommate after the break up.

Anyways, thank you for making it clear the legal issues. I have reconsidered my strategy. I think I will refuse to open the door. My paranoia is kicking in again... .  Because my parents really like her and I am afraid she'll turn them against me, which happened last time I tried breaking up with her. Last time, I didn't explain to my parents very well, and my parents scolded me for being impulsive and irresponsible. I admit I am guilty of this under stress but the best I can do is run away from her because my life and studies have been so stressful and it's just crazy... .  

Recently, things have turned for the better because for once I can focus on my college courses. I only wish she can fully leave me alone. I always have been a good student, but from this emotional turmoil, I am failing a class and it's just way too much hurt on my ego. I know in a few years it all will be unimportant. But at this point of my life, I really want to pursue graduate study in my field and she simply is crushing my dream. She has no respect for my workload and ugh sorry for digressing so much. I am just venting and I really hope we both can be happy.

[GreenMango]

PC even the most seasoned veterans of staying can get thrown for a loop by suicide/self harming, rages, etc.  It's not easy.  This situation is a high stress one.

What you may be experiencing from her is an extinction burst, check out the bpdfamily.com workshop on it, but its a Sharp increase on behavior that normally would work to get the needed reprieve from bad feelings.

The workshop on how to leave has some advice on how to slowly withdrawl and make it about you... .  you're stressed, you're depressed, not feeling well, need some time to feel better.

Being alone in something like this can be pretty lonely. If you're in school it may help to drop by the counseling office too to see if you can talk to someone in person about what's going on.  They could have some good solutions and advice.  You can't be the only student on campus with a mentally ill partner who's suicidal.

Do you have other support?

PS being put in a karpman triangle with your folks over her is pretty common.  Here's the thing how would your folks feel if this escalated to point where this girl has affected your schooling or even worse called the cops on you after you let her in to talk only to have her claim to be a victim of you.  It might help to talk about whats really going on with them.  I hid a lot from my family over the years once I started to share it helped.

[Pork Chop]

That makes sense, we were really close before I left. She told me that she was diagnosed with BPD a year ago by her therapist. I had no idea what it was, nor it did bother us at that time. So I shrugged it off and it's only been recently that I realized. I didn't go through with the slowly withdraw method few weeks ago and now I feel like it's too late to use it.

Either way, I feel less paranoid about it and I will avoid confronting her by going to the library. As for support, I do have some friendships that I will focus on. Also, there was a counselor whom I talked to when I was still staying with her. I think I will email him to get help in person. Thank you very much, all of you guys have helped me immensely through this, and prevented me from making stupid legal mistakes.

[Pork Chop]

Wow it's very eye opening that there are these psychology theory to explain stuff like this. According to this quote "... .  the Victim is not really as helpless as he feels, the Rescuer is not really helping, and the Persecutor does not really have a valid complaint. " would I be the victim or persecutor? I feel like me and her can be both. It is not very clear to me.

I am educating myself on these as much as possible (extinction burst, karpman triangle). Thank you again.