NOW she's getting help? Too late for us

[mango_flower]

So my ex was always emotionally unstable.  But I always thought love was enough.  Even though it made me anxious, dealing with her ups and down, the highs were worth it and she was never abusive, never raged.

We ended (as I've said 100 times!) due to me wanting to postpone the wedding for a year, and she just couldn't deal with it as most would (angry, hurt, sad, but willing to work through it as we were truly in love).

She moved out, and ended up dating one of her work colleagues - they are now engaged, 4 months after we broke up!

She has sought help, she is going for therapy, she is doing lots of healthy stuff for herself - changing her diet, exercising etc etc.

And I can't help but think "WHY? Why couldn't you have done this when you were with ME?"

It seems so unfair!  She has a beautiful soul, she really does.

And now she's working on fixing herself, and she'll be a better person for this new girl.  This new girl will get all the nice things that I used to get, plus none of the drama eventually, once my ex has healed and hopefully become more stable.

It just seems unfair.

I know she still has wobbles right now (see my post from last night) but it just feels like she's heading in all the right directions with this new girl, who seems unconditionally loving and supportive to her.  I WAS LIKE THAT TOO! Why didn't she try and get help for US in OUR relationship? (she said she had to hit rock bottom, which I understand but it's still not fair!)

It hurts so much.

[freshlySane]

With healing comes introspection a marriage can not be determined in 4 months especially after leaving a long term relationship. do not hold on to her being better for this girl when she gets help and see her actions she will learn that her r/s are attachments to curve her loneliness she went to this person because you didn't marry her right away. Same situation here I didn't marry my ex and know she wants to marry her new guy but she is going untreated.

unfortunately this her journey and you can not help but its ok a rash sane individual can see things in the right manor you didn't call off the wedding you postponed it and you had valid reasons any person would think wow she wants to work on us but no she left and found another and now she is getting married. let her get the help who knows what the future holds for her or you or this new girl. Heal form this find out why you put up with anything that was a red flag and grow who knows what can happen if she is working on her self and you. i can not guarantee anything i can only give you advice on what i have learned have fate in you one day you'll find the answer why and move forward.

[mango_flower]

Thanks Freshlysane - that was so very well put and made lots of sense   You're right - I don't know what fate has in store for me - hopefully something that will make me equally as happy x

[Discarded26]

Don't worry Mango

It never lasts, could be years, months, days. But it always the same end game. They go back to the 'real' them 

[mango_flower]

Thanks Discarded - in some ways it does help to hear that.  Like, it's not my fault and this new girl will suffer the same fate.   I have my own issues with this new girl as I do feel that as my ex's friend whilst we were still together, she should have been encouraging her to work it out with me, not planning to snatch her from under my nose! So yeah, the immature bit of me does think "good, this is your own karma for that!"

But at the same time, it also saddens me deeply.  I have so much compassion and love for my ex that it does hurt me to see her struggle.  But then I hate it when she's TOO happy also!  I think there is no winning with me... .  

A perfect solution for me would be that my ex would be "ok" in her new relationship, not depressed or unhappy, but not as happy as she was with me... .  I feel like a bad person!  At least I recognise that I suppose 

[Discarded26]

Think the problem is we will never know for sure 'what's what'

I'm sick of thinking about mine. Because I know he couldn't care less about me. And is no doubt on a new supply.

But if he wants to live in his own little world making out I've moved on, well nothing I can do about that and his 'mind'

I think there a part of us that wants to hold on, to 'validate' the relationship. But best we can do, is sort OUR own heads and hearts out. And look AFTER US.

Just remember we CAN BE HAPPY. They, cannot be happy

[ScotisGone74]

Your kidding yourself if you think she's going to become a new person in a couple of months and ride off into the sunset with whoever and live out the rest of her days all hunky dorry.  Its time for YOU to be focusing on going to counseling, starting a new diet, exercising, your new relationships, etc, etc    One thing I have learned is that when you put in 150% for someone else you have no time left to do things for yourself, now its done, so we both have the time to do us. 

[freshlySane]

One more thing you got to understand BPD isn't a easy thing to treat its treatable but not easy if it was a lot of us wouldn't be here being a partner of a BPD sufferer takes work on our part too. You think a 4 month relationship dictates lasting commitment to helping a mentally ill person. She is going to have to do a lot of heavy lifting this is years of dysfunction being reworked to better there emotional instability. We as caretakers do what care take we think love can save them if we try harder they will see and that's a misconception. You did not ruin or damage the relationship it takes two people if she loved you enough and was rational shed say this person is worth the wait. We are here to feed a need you lost your usefulness im sorry if im harash but its the truth. and its not your fault you didnt marry her to her marriage is exit to abandonment i dont want you to go so marry me so i can keep these feelings. Marriage is about unity to bound two loves in the forever and should never be used to calm fear.

When she gets help she will learn all of this her coping mechanism push people away and with the heavy lfiting her partner may nt stand with her. it takes boundaries they are like children  ( i want cake NO) (I want candy NO) but why because it will rot your teeth ok ill just ask mommy and shell give me. They don't learn they look for others to help get their needs met.

as a partner you have to learn boundaries and how to make situations better it takes a lot of work read the books and lessons and even the staying board it takes a toll on you 4 month relationship i doubt will have the developed love and admiration to sustain this. do not get me wrong it may but unlikely.

it takes two to say i want this with you i want to make this work your needs are met and mine are lets work together.

so do not get hung up on her getting help and this person gets the best of them. in BPD world there are no fantasies just harsh reality. if she truly wanted help and see she needs help shed do it single with the support of you or this new girl. when we get to the root of it all we realize that we need to be happy within in order to be happy with another. us and our BPD ex's or partners its a give and take.

I hope this helps

[cal644]

I have some of those same issues too.  My wife is finally getting real help in theropy and she is starting to realize she was the problem.  She said she would never marry again (never wanted to in her life) - but if she gets help will she move on to a happy marriage with a new guy - will she realize what she threw away and come running back - will she be a new woman.  I think these question are part of what has kept me from detaching.  If she gets better would she be able to show the "true love" I always craved.

[OTH]

But at the same time, it also saddens me deeply.  I have so much compassion and love for my ex that it does hurt me to see her struggle.  But then I hate it when she's TOO happy also!  I think there is no winning with me... .  

A perfect solution for me would be that my ex would be "ok" in her new relationship, not depressed or unhappy, but not as happy as she was with me... .  I feel like a bad person!  At least I recognise that I suppose  

Isn't this your wounded ego? What is preventing you from feeling good about yourself? Why does what is going on in your ex's life affect your view of yourself?

[freshlySane]

I have some of those same issues too.  My wife is finally getting real help in theropy and she is starting to realize she was the problem.  She said she would never marry again (never wanted to in her life) - but if she gets help will she move on to a happy marriage with a new guy - will she realize what she threw away and come running back - will she be a new woman.  I think these question are part of what has kept me from detaching.  If she gets better would she be able to show the "true love" I always craved.

if she gets help she will see what she has done and its all her if you were good to her she will finally learn and you can take it from there but do not hope on it and dont dwell on if she will be happy and loving to another she isnt in your life for a reason let life work itself out. life is'nt a movie but thier are magically things out their just dont let this hold you back from seeing them

[mango_flower]

Your kidding yourself if you think she's going to become a new person in a couple of months and ride off into the sunset with whoever and live out the rest of her days all hunky dorry. 

That makes sense when you put it like that - but yeah, that's my biggest fear 

Don't worry Mango

It never lasts, could be years, months, days. But it always the same end game. They go back to the 'real' them 

I don't think she even knows who the real her is!  And I sure don't.  I thought I did.  My opinion changes daily though!

She said she would never marry again (never wanted to in her life) - but if she gets help will she move on to a happy marriage with a new guy - will she realize what she threw away and come running back - will she be a new woman.  I think these question are part of what has kept me from detaching.  If she gets better would she be able to show the "true love" I always craved.

Exactly. It's like, you had the amazing bits... .  but you had to take the bad bits too.  But if those bad bits could vanish, can you imagine how amazing it would be?  That's definitely stopping me from detaching too... .  

But at the same time, it also saddens me deeply.  I have so much compassion and love for my ex that it does hurt me to see her struggle.  But then I hate it when she's TOO happy also!  I think there is no winning with me... .  

A perfect solution for me would be that my ex would be "ok" in her new relationship, not depressed or unhappy, but not as happy as she was with me... .  I feel like a bad person!  At least I recognise that I suppose 

Isn't this your wounded ego? What is preventing you from feeling good about yourself? Why does what is going on in your ex's life affect your view of yourself?

You're totally right.  And I so wish I knew. I think it's because I gave 100%. I could not have done any more.  I put blood, sweat and tears into the relationship.  More than I have ever done for ANYONE.  I couldn't have behaved in a more perfect way if I tried - I never raised my voice, I tried to validate her all the time (before I even knew what BPD was, I just instinctively knew how to calm her down), I did cute little things for her all the time, flowers, surprise gifts, breakfast in bed... .  (she did cute things like that for me too though).  I just feel like, if she's happier with somebody else, what does that say about me?  It just makes me feel so rubbish about myself... .  I know that's low self-esteem, and yeah - I do have that.  Even though I know I'm the kindest person you'll ever meet, I'm patient, funny, have a great group of friends, intelligent, have a good job... .  (I could tell you loads of my positive traits!) I still always feel not good enough.   I don't know how to fix that though.

[mango_flower]

Oh - and FreshlySane - thank you, thank you and thank you - I didn't have a specific response to your replies but they all made so much sense and were very reassuring 

xxx

[OTH]

I still always feel not good enough.   I don't know how to fix that though.

This is the way you feel about yourself though. Own those feelings and realize they are coming from you and not your ex. It would be a good topic to talk to a therapist about. I had similar feelings from my upbringing. I had to start changing my self talk. Cut my self some slack and recognize my accomplishments.

The better you treat yourself the better you feel about yourself.  

www.mayoclinic.com/health/self-esteem/MH00129/METHOD=print

[sunrising]

Exactly. It's like, you had the amazing bits... .  but you had to take the bad bits too.  But if those bad bits could vanish, can you imagine how amazing it would be?  That's definitely stopping me from detaching too... .  

Learning about "intermittent reinforcement" helped me a lot with this.  Occasionally, and especially following bad times, my exwBPD would say things like, "I want us forever" and "You are the greatest love.  I am not going to forget that".  Ever known anyone with a gambling addiction?... .    They keep going back to the slot machine over and over because they believe they will hit the jackpot again.  For me, those words from my ex were just like that.  I would keep coming back because I wanted so badly to "hit the jackpot" and hear those words again.  It was, literally, and addiction.  Addiction isn't love though... .    Quite the opposite, really... .  

I haven't heard 1 person on here (or elsewhere) say they had an experience where the bad bits simply vanished.

[freshlySane]

Exactly. It's like, you had the amazing bits... .  but you had to take the bad bits too.  But if those bad bits could vanish, can you imagine how amazing it would be?  That's definitely stopping me from detaching too... .  

Learning about "intermittent reinforcement" helped me a lot with this.  Occasionally, and especially following bad times, my exwBPD would say things like, "I want us forever" and "You are the greatest love.  I am not going to forget that".  Ever known anyone with a gambling addiction?... .    They keep going back to the slot machine over and over because they believe they will hit the jackpot again.  For me, those words from my ex were just like that.  I would keep coming back because I wanted so badly to "hit the jackpot" and hear those words again.  It was, literally, and addiction.  Addiction isn't love though... .    Quite the opposite, really... .  

I haven't heard 1 person on here (or elsewhere) say they had an experience where the bad bits simply vanished.

that makes sense it is an addiction well for me it is Ill never find someone as beautiful or as sexy and blah blah blah once you got over the addiction you can detach better my question is is the addiction because of the idealization phase.

[WT]

My ex went to therapy for a year, and nothing good came out of it.  It might've actually made things worse during that time because her ineffective therapist essentially validated everything she was feeling instead of getting her to change her behavior.  There's only a tiny chance that the stars aligned and that your ex is 1) receiving the right kind of therapy, and 2) committed enough to actually follow through, and even if both are true, it would take a very long time (I've seen ranges of 5-15 years) before their symptoms subside, and the dropout rate is quite high.

[Seb]

Your kidding yourself if you think she's going to become a new person in a couple of months and ride off into the sunset with whoever and live out the rest of her days all hunky dorry.  

That makes sense when you put it like that - but yeah, that's my biggest fear  

Don't worry Mango

It never lasts, could be years, months, days. But it always the same end game. They go back to the 'real' them  

I don't think she even knows who the real her is!  And I sure don't.  I thought I did.  My opinion changes daily though!

She said she would never marry again (never wanted to in her life) - but if she gets help will she move on to a happy marriage with a new guy - will she realize what she threw away and come running back - will she be a new woman.  I think these question are part of what has kept me from detaching.  If she gets better would she be able to show the "true love" I always craved.

Exactly. It's like, you had the amazing bits... .  but you had to take the bad bits too.  But if those bad bits could vanish, can you imagine how amazing it would be?  That's definitely stopping me from detaching too... .  

But at the same time, it also saddens me deeply.  I have so much compassion and love for my ex that it does hurt me to see her struggle.  But then I hate it when she's TOO happy also!  I think there is no winning with me... .  

A perfect solution for me would be that my ex would be "ok" in her new relationship, not depressed or unhappy, but not as happy as she was with me... .  I feel like a bad person!  At least I recognise that I suppose  

Isn't this your wounded ego? What is preventing you from feeling good about yourself? Why does what is going on in your ex's life affect your view of yourself?

You're totally right.  And I so wish I knew. I think it's because I gave 100%. I could not have done any more.  I put blood, sweat and tears into the relationship.  More than I have ever done for ANYONE.  I couldn't have behaved in a more perfect way if I tried - I never raised my voice, I tried to validate her all the time (before I even knew what BPD was, I just instinctively knew how to calm her down), I did cute little things for her all the time, flowers, surprise gifts, breakfast in bed... .  (she did cute things like that for me too though).  I just feel like, if she's happier with somebody else, what does that say about me?  It just makes me feel so rubbish about myself... .  I know that's low self-esteem, and yeah - I do have that.  Even though I know I'm the kindest person you'll ever meet, I'm patient, funny, have a great group of friends, intelligent, have a good job... .  (I could tell you loads of my positive traits!) I still always feel not good enough.   I don't know how to fix that though.

Mango flower, I could have written this. This is how I am feeling/working on changing about myself. It's a long road, but I promise things get better, even if it's baby steps. My uexBPDgf and I have been broken up for almost 10 months and she moved on very quickly too - it was like a dagger through my heart at the time. I was distraught - this person that was supposed to be madly in love with me had just walked away... .  so easily. What I came to realise, and accept (although it was very very painful to do so), was that her love for me wasn't quite as she'd expressed it. It wasn't a love that deepened and matured over time... .  I came to accept that it was fickle and shallow and immature. In essence she didn't love me as she said she had, or I thought she had. The fact that she so easily walked away from me confirmed it. She needed me. And then she didn't. She 'loved' me when I was meeting her needs, when I was the perfect unconditional love and she no longer loved me when I wasn't. As soon as I got too close I triggered abandonment fears in her and she ran. None of it was intentional... .  and I wish more than anything that it hadn't ended up this way... .  but it did.

I have been through some really hard times in my life - honestly, my life could be a Danielle Steele novel! - and getting through this has to be up there with one of the hardest things I've ever had to get through. Like I said before, I could have written your post. I let my ex-girlfriend determine my self-worth. I have struggled with self-esteem issues from day one, and when she worshipped me I felt on top of the world, like I'd finally met someone who would love me as I'd always wanted, and I could love in return. Her issues and the glaring  didn't scare me off - I was convinced I could fix her and therefore prove my worth and value. It was a bitter bitter pill to swallow when she upped and left overnight. I was almost certainly suffering from PTSD... .  at the same time as telling me she was madly in love with me and wanted to be with me so much, but we had to end it. I felt destroyed - here was this person that I opened myself up to, let her in and trusted her completely (and naively) with my heart for the first time, ever really. And she walked all over me, kicked me when I was down, and left me curled in a ball on the floor. In a way it was like her rejection of me confirmed the thoughts that I'd tried so hard to battle my whole life - that I was unloveable and worthless.

So... .  many months of pain and grieving and working with a therapist... .  and I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have to accept that she is out of my life, and her issues are her own. Will I ever know what is going on in her head? No. Can I make her better? No. I still sometimes ruminate, and I have to remind myself that she is unwell. I cannot keep thinking of her and the way she acts and expect her to behave as you or I would. I have to accept that she is unwell and this is the only way she knows how to live her life and survive. The next time someone tells me that they're not good at relationships and that they're always meant to be unhappy and alone I'll believe them. I will take that as my cue to leave - rather than a point to prove.

Will anyone prove to be a worthy partner to my ex or yours, enough to cure them of their issues and make them finally happy? NO.

You did the best you could. Give yourself a break. If you're anything like me (and it really sounds like you are) then try being kind to yourself. My automatic response is 'sorry'. I also never let anyone know that I'm upset if they've wronged me, for fear of them being P'd off with me for being P'd off. Crazy right? I have allowed myself to fall to the bottom of the ladder, accepting scraps because that's all I've felt I'm worth. Well... .  the news is, I deserve more. And so do you. I am a firm believer that we show people how we want them to treat us - and so far we've allowed people to treat us poorly because that's what we've accepted. It's time to change the way you think about yourself - trust me, that's the silver lining in all this - it's time to reboot and change the self-talk.

What can you do? Love yourself. Not in an arrogant or conceited way, but in a whole way, as you should have done your whole life. I can now see that my entire life was leading up to this relationship, because now, at the ripe old age of 30 I am finally building myself up and changing the way I view myself. Would I have entered this relationship if I felt better about myself and my worth? Probably not. Would I have demanded more for myself? Almost certainly.

With time you will realise that your ex isn't well. It's not intentional or malicious - her behaviour is a symptom of someone with major emotional needs... .  and you deserve better. You deserve someone who would look at you and feel that the love they have for you can overcome setbacks, or at least fight to save your relationship.  My ex lacks conflict resolution, so instead of wanting to work through conflict she ran.  We deserve better. We deserve a love that deepens and grows over time, not one that is fickle and superficial. I had to ask myself the really hard questions - my ex, although wonderful at expressing romantic sentiments, was showing me exactly who she was through her behaviour. She was gone and she was being cruel and uncaring at my suffering. Do we deserve to be treated this way? NO!

Have you got a therapist yet? It's vital, I can't recommend it enough.

Sorry for the long post - but your post reminded me very much of me when I first found this place. Hang in there, it does get better I promise.  

[mango_flower]

Exactly. It's like, you had the amazing bits... .  but you had to take the bad bits too.  But if those bad bits could vanish, can you imagine how amazing it would be?  That's definitely stopping me from detaching too... .  

Learning about "intermittent reinforcement" helped me a lot with this.  Occasionally, and especially following bad times, my exwBPD would say things like, "I want us forever" and "You are the greatest love.  I am not going to forget that".  Ever known anyone with a gambling addiction?... .    They keep going back to the slot machine over and over because they believe they will hit the jackpot again.  For me, those words from my ex were just like that.  I would keep coming back because I wanted so badly to "hit the jackpot" and hear those words again.  It was, literally, and addiction.  Addiction isn't love though... .    Quite the opposite, really... .  

I haven't heard 1 person on here (or elsewhere) say they had an experience where the bad bits simply vanished.

Funnily enough, I teach about intermittent reinforcement as part of my job!  Yet I hadn't actually put two and two together and realised that's what it is

My ex went to therapy for a year, and nothing good came out of it.  It might've actually made things worse during that time because her ineffective therapist essentially validated everything she was feeling instead of getting her to change her behavior.  There's only a tiny chance that the stars aligned and that your ex is 1) receiving the right kind of therapy, and 2) committed enough to actually follow through, and even if both are true, it would take a very long time (I've seen ranges of 5-15 years) before their symptoms subside, and the dropout rate is quite high.

This actually makes me so sad - because as angry as I am with her some days, I hate the thought she will suffer with her own internal hell for another 5 years minimum... .  I have such compassion for her when I take my own feelings out of the equation!  And I don't think she's going to a BPD specialist, just a general one through a doctors referral for depression (well, if it IS BPD she hasn't told me that part).  She has been prescribed anti depressants but refuses to take them (I think that's because she knows that's not the issue, on a gut feeling level)

Awwww Seb - I'm so sorry you could relate to this post!  It makes me feel less crazy in that my story isn't unusual and makes me more sure of what I'm dealing with seeing as there are so many similarities - but yeah, it really hurts, doesn't it? I'm glad it gets easier - thank you so much for taking the time to share your story xxx

[WT]

This actually makes me so sad - because as angry as I am with her some days, I hate the thought she will suffer with her own internal hell for another 5 years minimum... .  I have such compassion for her when I take my own feelings out of the equation!  And I don't think she's going to a BPD specialist, just a general one through a doctors referral for depression (well, if it IS BPD she hasn't told me that part).  She has been prescribed anti depressants but refuses to take them (I think that's because she knows that's not the issue, on a gut feeling level)

Yeah, I know what you mean.  While we were together, I really wanted nothing more than to see her happy because of both her past and current struggles.  My ex was also prescribed anti-depressants by her therapist and also refused to take them.  She was afraid of becoming dependent on them, but in my mind, if the alternative is living in hell every day, I'm not sure that taking anti-depressants is so bad.

[cal644]

Mine too - got the meds prescribed - picked up the pills but refused to take them.