Not going to contact him, thank you

[honeysuckle]

I woke up this morning and I just burst into tears. its been a week since ive heard from him. I know this is healthiest thing for me but I wish this was getting easier! It has been 6 weeks since i left and He is still the first thing on my mind every morning. I want to text him and tell him how much this sucks and much i am hurting! How i miss the morning love you texts and what his day has been like and every other thing he would tell me. I have read many of the posts written here by people who have caved and contacted them and regretted it so I want to thank you for sharing. it helped me to not reach out to him. My goal is to move on but i miss him in my heart so much sometimes and then my head kicks in and says why go through that kind of abuse? I am amazed that i am in a place where nothing will make me feel better. if he contacts me i think... .  um hey you're in your honeymoon stage with someone else and she gets to be with the guy i fell in love with at the beginning of our relationship and I dont! why are you reaching out to me. Then when i dont hear from him for a while I think how can he possibly go a week without contact when he could barely go a few hours without telling me something for 3 years straight! UGH! This is so much harder then i ever imagined it would be!

[fakename]

hey honeysuckle,

its been since feb 4th since i broke up, and i still think of her every morning... .  

one thing i have trained myself not to do though, is think about how i will reply if she does contact me, and i'm sure in time she will, i dont really care. i'll think of what i should reply with after giving it some thought (i'm sure i will be a different person - as each day i learn more from this site and go through the lessons and it helps me grow, and also i plan to ask post what she contacts me with and get some opinions from others before and IF i do reply)

but i'm not gonna spend my days thinking of what i want to tell her or anything like that. we've broken up too many times, and i've said the same things over and over, and so there's nothing more i need to say. regardless, it'll just go in one ear and out the other with her.  she doesnt care, its only about her needs.

i also know, that i will never be the one to reach out to her. she had wronged me, and i'm developing my self-respect again . no one will do the things she did to me and expect me to run after them, or try to re-start a friendship or whatever it is.  she overstepped my values and morals many times, and i've had enough and i'm going to show that i do not keep people in my life who treat me in such a way.

also, i try to be aware of the times i miss her genuinely and the times i miss her cause i'm just lonely, bored or horny. i think its important to analyze why i am missing.

also, its important, as 2010 said to look into the wound itself, not the knife that caused the wound.  look at your wound and recognize your flaws from childhood or whatever that caused you to forgo your values and how you expected people to treat you.  its also not to confuse the reasoning by saying it was cause i was in love with them.

i dont think i did love her. i loved myself, the affection she gave and how heavenly things seemed when times were good. but none of it was real. and i know it'll just be fake for the next guy in her life. though those thoughts can still hurt sometimes.  but, thats the way life goes i guess, only thing i can do is learn more about myself and improve myself.

there's good moments and there's weak moments, i have to push myself during both moods, and what helps is having these boards to express myself and get support and know others have fallen victim to these kinds of people, but also that others have the same issues i have that i need to dig deeper and explore and understand so i can become a better person.

sometimes i wouldnt mind saying a mean thing or 2 to her, but thats not the type of person i want to be, i dont want to be like her (i think it would just give me guilt anyway), i also dont want to further hurt her and cause more chaos in her head, i just want to move on with my life and evolve as a human being.

i used to feel like it was impossible to have a rational conversation with that girl. now i can at least see why. it'd be nice to be around people who i can actually talk to.

[honeysuckle]

i dont feel that i want to contact him often. And when i do its never to repair more to vent my frustration but as you said i dont want to say hateful things and believe me i could! i think the point of actually missing him is valid. i miss the attention he gave me.even when we would fight it wasn't long before he would call or text to just check in like nothing had even happened.  when i realized that i was having THE fight not just another fight I feel i said everything i needed to say because i didn't want to leave anything unsaid. I realized at that point he really didn't understand where I was coming from at all. He cheated on me and i confronted him and then he attacked me with such hate i didn't even recognize him. When I said look at you and how you are talking to me he didn't respond then asked if i wanted to spend the night. to me that was the most ridiculous  thing i ever heard. i knew then we were past fixing anything. i didn't understand at that point the going black stage. i do now and im more understanding but i think some days i just get caught up in the loss of routine attention i became used to. i think i am just having a hard time processing the change and all of the information i have learned and how to move on when i cant really get away from seeing him. sometimes im fine and dont care and other times i feel like im having a nervous breakdown when he comes around. i do recognize that i was missing attention and affection in my life and he not only filled that craving that he overwhelmed me with it. i know enough about myself to know that was my hook and thats how i got into this push pull thing it aways ended in him being affectionate and i liked that part. i have never allowed anyone to treat me badly and i have put and end to it but its such a struggle to let go of the high he gave me when we were in our up swing. i worry about his honeymoon ending and coming back to me as his safe place because on some level it is like offering a junkie crack and i want the high but i am feeling stronger everyday and the hurt and pain are in waves but lessening. thanks for your insight!

[Suzn]

sometimes im fine and dont care and other times i feel like im having a nervous breakdown when he comes around.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now.    He comes around? What's this about?

I know how hard this is for you, most of us here have our own abandonment issues. What are you doing for you specifically? 

[honeysuckle]

We work together at the same facility as a security guard. He would only come around to check things when i was at work. he would bring lunch or just hang out. when we broke up no one on the unit had seen him at all. Now whenever I work he will "check in" still. This is not a huge deal i can do the NC thing and walk to a different area. A side note I worked today and he didn't come i guess this is good? HOWEVER... we have been short staffed and he picked up some extra time as a worker on my unit specifically but only on the days I am working. So i have been switching days so I can not be there. It really sucks

[Suzn]

Oh I see. That sounds hard. I just wanted to point out that NC is simply a tool for you, it's designed to be temporary till you feel stronger with your boundaries. Till things don't feel so emotionally raw.

This thread really explains it well.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=151669.0

[feelingcrazy7832]

fakename - I couldnt' have said it any better! It's so true. You have basically explained my life with my ex. And yes, I was that person who made a very HUGE mistake last fall of reaching out to my ex after several months of no contact because like you I was bored, lonely and horny! It turned into a hell of a three month roller coaster that I finally got out of last Friday night. it's been less than a week. I know three months from now I will never make that stupid mistake again.