Ive cut the last string and now I feel sick

[Ruthy2]

I called my probable BPD (w/NPD traits) ex today to check he had sent my things as agreed (he didnt bother to let me know) he answered cheerfully to say he had and I should recieve them in a few days.  He cut the convesation short as nomal, saying he would talk to me later (This is now a pattern, and he never does call later).

After the call I messaged him to thank him again, I also stated I dont want to be waiting any longe for him to decide if he wants me around and that if he didnt call later I would assume he no longer wishes to remain in touch etc

I know he wont call and now Ive cut the last string I feel sick, I had to do it because I cant keep waiting while he carries on with his life but it just seems so final its horrid.

[mango_flower]

As I read this, the phrase that sprung to mind was "Short term pain, long term gain".

I completely understand that sick feeling, and it's going to hurt like hell.  But you know - it's the first step towards a healthier future.

xxx

[LoveNotWar]

That is scary and it's soo hard to let go of attachments.   Be strong, remind yourself WHY you made the move to detach. You had good reasons for doing this! Trust your instincts! 

LNW

[Ruthy2]

Thank you fo your support 

My rational mind knows this is the best thing to do, but boy it hurt's emotionally knowing I will never see or speak to that person again.  :'(

[LoveNotWar]

Yup. I get it. Living with a pw/BPD has similarities to an addiction, at least for me it did. I knew it wasn't good for me but I didn't want to give it up.

Stick to your plan. It's hard at first but one day you wake up and realize you had no other real choices!

LNW

[healingmyheart]

I was right where you are emotionally about a week ago when we moved out all my ex BPD boyfriend's belongings out of my house. 

I did a lot of crying and I felt like my heart was going to rip out of my chest.

A week later, I'm feeling much better already... .  I know I made the right decision and that's the bottom line really. 

Take those baby steps and move forward... .  be patient with yourself but most importantly, be extra good to yourself right now. 

[Ruthy2]

stolemysoul

Thank you for that, has your ex tried to contact you?  How have you been able to keep strong?

[Ruthy2]

LNW

Yeah I agree, I had no other choice I cant live in limbo for the coming months.x

[jj2121]

I found that hard actually done it when I was drunk though. Basically saying delete my number,don't ever threaten to come round to my house again and think about how you act and ask yourself if it's right?

[healingmyheart]

Ruthy2,

My ex communicates with me daily several times a day... .  I just don't respond.  Just i'll get a text telling me to have  great day. Then I'll get an email with questions to which I will not respond and then ultimately he'll go to facebook and try messaging me there.  He is relentless. 

The sad thing is I know it's not because he misses "me" and wants "me".  It's because he feels abandoned and hasn't found anyone else yet but he is trying that's for sure.  The whole time he's trying to reel me in, he's on facebook befriending all kinds of new women (married or not) in hopes of initiating something with someone very soon.  In fact I hope he does so he will leave me alone but I will NEVER, EVER take him back (isn't that what Taylor Swift says 

How do I stay strong?  Some days are good, and some days aren't so good and thats ok.  I allow myself to have those down days when I don't feel like getting out of bed and I just want to cry.  But most days I plan something just for me to keep me focused.  When my ex was with me, he sorta took over the house and redid things.  I'm in the process of putting MY house back to the way it was and redecorating.  My passion is design (I am an interior designer) so I'm redoing some things around the house... .  the projects are giving me a focus and a distraction).  I go to the gym and take classes to get the endorphins going and stay in shape... .  highly recommend that.  I see a counselor which is very helpful.  I take something to help me sleep.  Doctor also recommended a mild antidepressant which I don't really feel like I need right now. 

Find what your passion is and follow it... .  just for you!

[sunrising]

Though not an original quote of my dad's, he likes to say, "Change is painful, but pain is changeful". 

Hang in there.

[Vatz]

Yeah it's hard.

So hard that I recycled yet AGAIN.

She's still carrying on her emotional affair. The guy threatened to walk away if she didn't leave me for him. But every time she says no, and he "leaves" the next day he's back.

She's talking about how she wants to go to counseling and work out the issues. Work out ways to avoid developing inappropriate relationships. But honestly, I feel like it's a load of... .  nonsense. She will only continue to abuse me.

I can't get out though.

[healingmyheart]

Vatz,

What is keeping you engaged in this relationship? Do you have any ideas? Many people would walk away but you've decided to stay? Just wondering if you know why.

[Vatz]

Vatz,

What is keeping you engaged in this relationship? Do you have any ideas? Many people would walk away but you've decided to stay? Just wondering if you know why.

I know why mostly I stay.

Honestly saying "I love you" to her has become like something I've rehearsed in the mirror. You know? Even if somewhere deep down I do love her, I will never forgive her.

I keep getting told that I deserve to be treated better. That there ARE better people out there. I'm not really convinced. I think that I really do believe that I don't really deserve better. After all, if she fell for an ugly, hair-lipped jackass with a sense of entitlement, what does that make me? Less than this person.

I'm just so tired of all this though, in many ways I've basically given up. She'll do what she will and I'll stick around because      me, normal women will walk all over me just the same.

[healingmyheart]

Sounds to me that you don't love he and you definitely won't forgive her.  You say you're not sure that there are better people out there... .  hmmmm.  You don't feel you deserve better... .  why? 

So you'll stay and let her play her games some more with you.  It is your choice but I do think you and anyone deserves better than what you've described.  I do know that it seems easier to stay.  I was at a point whereby I just wanted to do the least painful thing and if it meant staying, I was willing at first.  But friends convinced me that it's more important to do the right thing, for me and my daughter.  It is not right to stay in an abusive relationship filled with lies and deceit.  Yes, its been hard to leave but honestly, i'm not sure its any harder than staying and putting up with the drama on BPD. 

Are you going to counseling for self assessment... .  I really think you deserve it and it would be a huge help.

[Ruthy2]

I actually did get the call, but it was so strange. 

The more we spoke, the more I realsed this person is so dysfunctional.  I actually spoke to the real person for a change (Ive seen glimpses of this side before) normally he is so sweet and upbeat, this person didnt really care about anything, could not express enough how much he hates people and doesnt need anyone or anything,it was like a therapy session for him.

He wants to be friends,as in chatting on the phone now and again. I found myself saying the total opposite at the end of the conversation, to what I was saying at the start... .  not sure how that evolved. 

We did discuss getting back into a relationship, but it wasnt what I wanted at the start of the conversation but when I came off the phone I realised Id spent some time trying to convince him why it would work... .  how the heck did that happen!  He was going to go away and think about things!

One thing he did mention was that he was concerned whilst we are at this off and on we may be missing out on the real deal, so Ive used this get out clause and sent him a message to say he should try things with someone else and see if things are different I agree, but Im happy to be friends.

What the hell happened in that conversation? This is crazy stuff!

[HarmKrakow]

I actually did get the call, but it was so strange.  

The more we spoke, the more I realsed this person is so dysfunctional.  I actually spoke to the real person for a change (Ive seen glimpses of this side before) normally he is so sweet and upbeat, this person didnt really care about anything, could not express enough how much he hates people and doesnt need anyone or anything,it was like a therapy session for him.

He wants to be friends,as in chatting on the phone now and again. I found myself saying the total opposite at the end of the conversation, to what I was saying at the start... .  not sure how that evolved.  

We did discuss getting back into a relationship, but it wasnt what I wanted at the start of the conversation but when I came off the phone I realised Id spent some time trying to convince him why it would work... .  how the heck did that happen!  He was going to go away and think about things!

One thing he did mention was that he was concerned whilst we are at this off and on we may be missing out on the real deal, so Ive used this get out clause and sent him a message to say he should try things with someone else and see if things are different I agree, but Im happy to be friends.

What the hell happened in that conversation? This is crazy stuff!

Because although we are all on the detachment board. And we want to heal, many of us might not be strong enough to reject our ex BPD if she/he comes back, because damn almighty, it was such a lucious addiction.

[Vatz]

What the hell happened in that conversation? This is crazy stuff!

My god, I know what that's about. This is sort of how I got reeled in too.

Yeah, they know what to say, and they know when to say it. A dysfunctional person will say all kinds of things. What should have happened was you should have put down the phone and cut it off right there. When you engage these people, you get sucked in. It's like gravity. But always remember, much like any planet with a strong gravitational pull, there will be moons that orbit. By that I mean, even if you're with them, you really aren't because there are other people orbiting the disordered person. Mine has orbiters because she pulls them in and doesn't let them go. So scared she is of being abandoned that she'll do things that she shouldn't be doing. While she's with me, she's pulling someone else in too. She can't have normal same-sex friends because it's much easier to have guy-friends who have crushes on her. Does that logic make sense?

Please, don't even be friends with someone like him. Get away, stay away and forget them forever.

[Ruthy2]

What the hell happened in that conversation? This is crazy stuff!

My god, I know what that's about. This is sort of how I got reeled in too.

Yeah, they know what to say, and they know when to say it. A dysfunctional person will say all kinds of things. What should have happened was you should have put down the phone and cut it off right there. When you engage these people, you get sucked in. It's like gravity. Please, don't even be friends with someone like him. Get away, stay away and forget them forever.

Thanks Vatz,  I know you are right! I should have cut the call off, it was the strangest conversation and the fact I allowed him to say some of the things he did proves how he twisted and controlled the conversation and my thoughts and feelings.

He has gone back to being silent now, which I need to use to my advantage.x

[Vatz]

He has gone back to being silent now, which I need to use to my advantage.x

Absolutely, I would even go as far as to suggest changing your phone number. Maybe even get a new facebook account if you need to. Change your email.

It's going to be a silly analogy but here goes... .  

You ever watch those zombie movies? And how people make that ONE mistake that gets them bit? Well it's like that. The safest thing is to remove his ability to contact you.

Anyway, hope this helped and wishing you the best.   

[Ruthy2]

Thank you, same to you.

He wont contact me vatz, my ex is more the controlling/silent type rather than the needy. It would be below him to have to show any weakness in contacting me first (this has probably only happened a few times in the last few years)  Ive always made the mistake of contacting him, its me that needs to let go... .  sounds sad but its the truth.x