Feeling guilty

[Depression = 72% of members]

I feel like I'm going to get a battering for this... .  

But I feel guilty for thinking about moving on with my life.

See - we promised each other we'd never leave each other.  That we'd love each other forever. And no matter what, that we'd always try. That we would never give up on each other.

She broke those promises.  She doesn't want me anymore.  She is engaged to somebody else.

But does that mean I break mine?

I know I'll be better off in the long run now that I'm not with her.  I know I can have an easier life.

I hope she never wants me back cos it would conflict me and I like to think I'd say no, but my issue is my unwavering loyalty.

She admits (and has been diagnosed with) having a nervous breakdown of sorts when I asked about postponing the wedding.  She moved hours away for a new start in a new town. And as I said, is with somebody else.  She does love her. But says she will always love me too, even though we aren't together.  She said she'll never come back - she doesn't do going back. But that if she could turn back time, she never would have left.  And she regrets that she met somebody else she cares deeply for.

My issue is this:  Though I *know* she will never come back, I feel like if I move on, then I have broken my promises I made to her.  Stupid, as she broke hers. But I feel like, two wrongs don't make a right.  I want to be the better person.

Help, my head is so confused today.

P.S We genuinely did have the perfect relationship.  We were there for each other 24/7.  She supported me as much as I did her, even though I was the emotionally stronger one.  We never argued, she never raged, she was beautiful to me.  Even though she has these issues, she's a good person deep down. 

[mango_flower]

I feel like I'm going to get a battering for this... .  

But I feel guilty for thinking about moving on with my life.

See - we promised each other we'd never leave each other.  That we'd love each other forever. And no matter what, that we'd always try. That we would never give up on each other.

She broke those promises.  She doesn't want me anymore.  She is engaged to somebody else.

But does that mean I break mine?

I know I'll be better off in the long run now that I'm not with her.  I know I can have an easier life.

I hope she never wants me back cos it would conflict me and I like to think I'd say no, but my issue is my unwavering loyalty.

She admits (and has been diagnosed with) having a nervous breakdown of sorts when I asked about postponing the wedding.  She moved hours away for a new start in a new town. And as I said, is with somebody else.  She does love her. But says she will always love me too, even though we aren't together.  She said she'll never come back - she doesn't do going back. But that if she could turn back time, she never would have left.  And she regrets that she met somebody else she cares deeply for.

My issue is this:  Though I *know* she will never come back, I feel like if I move on, then I have broken my promises I made to her.  Stupid, as she broke hers. But I feel like, two wrongs don't make a right.  I want to be the better person.

Help, my head is so confused today.

P.S We genuinely did have the perfect relationship.  We were there for each other 24/7.  She supported me as much as I did her, even though I was the emotionally stronger one.  We never argued, she never raged, she was beautiful to me.  Even though she has these issues, she's a good person deep down. 

[Rose Tiger]

   Clinging to the words that were said, wanting to stay true to your values and your word.  It is a tuffy.  It's a matter of turning this around, you can't help someone that doesn't want it.  You can't fix anyone but you.  Turning that caring and concern back to yourself, there is an inner child in there that is hurting and needs you.

This article spells out the myths that can keep us stuck:

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder [NEW]

[mango_flower]

Rose Tiger - your reply just made me burst into tears and I'm not too sure why!   Interesting - maybe something struck a nerve, I'll have to examine that further (and thank you  )

I've read that article - and yes, it's a belief that has me stuck.  But I'm not clinging to her words, I know they were true then and no longer hold true.

I have no illusions that she'll come back.  And I actually don't want her too. But if she ever did want to... .  I feel that I'd have to say yes or I'd be breaking my promise to never give up on her.  All I can do is keep my fingers crossed she won't want to... .  

Gosh this is just so confusing!

[Rose Tiger]

Well, if you think about it, the best way to help someone with BPD is to not make it easy for them.  Staying in the center of the Karpman Triangle, not rescuing, not playing a victim, not persecuting.

Think about eagles and how the parents help their kiddos become independent and self sufficient.  When they make the nest, they put sharp sticks and thorns in the bottom and then soft stuff on top.  As the babies grow and get bigger, when it's time, they dig up the nest to expose the sharp uncomfortable things.  It's time for the babies to be grown up and learn how fly on their own.

Maybe that's not the best metaphor but it's the one that came to mind. 

[crazylife]

I definately can relate to  the promise never to leave. I have been married before and SWORE that I would never divorce this go round. So I can feel that delimma. I have no answers except to say you are not alone  in your grief. It can really affect my functioning. I hope you are able  to move forward for yourself. Even if you choose not to get involved with anyone else making progress in your life may help you cope with your loss.

[OTH]

See - we promised each other we'd never leave each other.  That we'd love each other forever. And no matter what, that we'd always try. That we would never give up on each other.

These are real nice sounding words. It sounds romantic and heart felt especially when said at the beginning of a relationship. Was it realistic? Was it a healthy foundation for a lasting relationship or was it just a feeling at the time?

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a115.htm

[sunrising]

I'll tell you what has helped me get over "the promises" made by my exwBPD.   I've come to the realization that, while she thought she meant them, it is IMPOSSIBLE for her to keep them. She didn't "choose" to break them, she's completely incapable of keeping them.  Perhaps more importantly, she didn't really know what she was saying when she said things like "We'll be together forever".  The words themselves are pretty self-explanatory, but she had no grasp of what they really mean.   Could a 5 year old child really commit to spending the rest of their life with someone?  A child could certainly say those words, but they couldn't truly understand what they were saying or be expected to honor such a commitment.  

sunrising