Splitting Siblings

[hopesprings]

I'd really appreciate hearing from anyone who has insights about their BPD parent splitting relationships between siblings. For me, this is one of the most painful parts of having an uBPD mother.  She cannot tolerate it if my siblings and I have relationships with each other that are independent of her.  She gets very paranoid.  Thinks we are conspiring against her.  Will do anything she can to complicate our communication.  My siblings and I are all adults, but I am the current "bad" child and ostracized by my mother. Her main reason is that I have maintained a nominal relationship with my NPD father and that is unacceptable to her.  She has determined that my siblings are on "her side" and so she babysits my sister's kids, watches her dog, grocery shops.  She helps my brother financially and will use his temper as a weapon against me.  I'm sad because I remember her doing the same thing to trigger my father activate his terrible anger .  She has almost nothing to do with my children, but I realize that is probably a blessing.

[Ajness2305]

I am RIGHT there with you. I am currently the bad one too. My uBPD mom has already split me and one of my brothers up and is actively trying with the other one. I spoke to him on the phone the other day and he basically let me know I'm on my own.

This whole thing has been pretty devastating. Loosing not only a mom, but a dad, both brothers, extended family, family friends, people I haven't even met yet.

We lived with they parents for about 7 mths, the whole time trashing me and my family to anyone that would listen. My one brother cut me out of his life. I confronted him about it, bc when she was running her smear campaign about him and his family when he was the bad one, I was the only one that stood up for him. Turns out she was telling him all of these lies. He confronted her, bc he hasn't really accepted that she has BPD, and she screamed at me accusing me of ruining everything. She is EXTREMELY threatened by my relationships with anyone at all, including my son and my bf, friends, anyone. When in reality she's the one that's scheming and conspiring. So yes, the whole thing has been pretty awful.

But until we, as a family, get some type of help for her, and that includes us all accepting that she is sick, then I'm having NC. Ive hit the end of my tolerance for all of it. It hurts and I felt very alone, but honestly joining this forum has been a blessing. If you have one person in your life that u can trust and talk to that helps too. I wish I could give u advice but this is all pretty recent for me as well. But, u at least have someone that can empathize with you and talk to you. 

[Clearmind]

Hopesprings, I have read this a lot on the boards. I don’t recall my father splitting my brother and I because my bro moved out of home when I was quite young.

As kids we have become accustomed to cause and effect – our childhood was often based on it.  How they (our BPD parent) felt was more often than not blamed on us - we were there scape goat. This has set up a pattern in our adult life. It’s a pattern we need to break - our parents no longer have control over us and we can establish firm boundaries to protect us.

HS, its wonderful you have a relationship with your siblings and your father – how can you not allow your Mom to put a wedge in it?

[Kwamina]

Hi hopesprings,

My uBPD mother used to ‘split’ my two older sisters. In her mind my oldest sister was and still is the all-good child who can do no wrong. My younger sister she considers to be the all-bad child who’s pure evil. However in reality my younger sister was the only normal person in the house I could relate to. My oldest sister, the all-good child, is in fact very troubled and is also uBPD. I’m much younger than my siblings and a very strange thing happened after they had all moved out and I lived alone with my mother for many years. She started 'splitting' me, sometimes she considered me the all-good child but at other times she saw me as the all-bad child. Her views of me could change from one minute to the next. This was very confusing because her views of me had nothing to do with my actual behavior. I’ve learned now not to take these extreme views seriously because I realize they have nothing to do with reality, it’s all in her head only.

[lipsticklibrarian]

Yes I'm the bad one because I've worked out my mum is mentally ill and on some level I think she knows it so in her 'survival mode' she has cut me out. My sister is the all good child because she reminds my mother of herself and she's grooming her to go to the same University as her and have the same job. It's quite painful not having a mother who cares about you, when she does talk about me in a positive light she's usually addressing my infant self "You will always be my perfect baby."

The good news is that I still have a relationship with my little sister, we've started talking every single day and I really want my sister to be a part of my life. I want her to be a part of my family and see my children, away  from my mother's influence I love her very much and hope we stay close as we get older.

[hopesprings]

Thank you so much for your replies.  It helps a lot to know that other people negotiate this issue too. I used to be very close to my brother and my mother was extremely jealous of our relationship. He still needs her financially and until he can be independent and understand what her issues are, I don't think we'll be able to re-establish a relationship. I could never imagine setting up this dynamic with my own children.  It makes me realize how my mother's issues are quite pervasive and really beyond her ability to manage. I do feel compassion for her because I'm sure it must be frustrating and isolating to go through life with that level of paranoia.  I'm very grateful for this forum.

[Clearmind]

Hope, it is wonderful to share our experiences here and know that we are not the only ones going through this.

What is also important, for us, is to find the tools to move through the pain these events cause.

What is it you can do to protect yourself from your Mom's jealousy, accusations or whatever behavior's are concerning you.

[hopesprings]

Clearmind,

What a good question!  So far, my most successful strategy for dealing with my mother is to only talk to her about a few topics.  I think of it as "channels" like on a TV set.  Most the channels with my mother have a lot of static and clear communication is not possible.  A couple of channels work ok.  I will only talk to her about my children's activities or her activities. I do not switch channels to discuss my siblings, father or anything that is emotional.  I try not to go to her house.  I meet her in neutral settings.  I have learned it is better not to speak with her in the evenings, because wine makes her issues worse. I try not to think of her as my mother, because it sets me up for having expectations of her that she can't fulfill. I try to think of our relationship as social acquaintances.  That seems to allow a comfortable amount of distance. I don't celebrate holidays with my mother or siblings. Too much drama.  I don't have a relationship with my brother because I can't handle his explosive outbursts and his inability to be accountable for his actions. I try to listen and be supportive of my sister, but I don't discuss our mother or brother with her.  I think it puts her in a position that is difficult for her.  It is really lonely sometimes, and I do grieve the loss of my family of origin. I've just come to understand that for me not to repeat the cycle with my own family, I need to be very proactive and mindful.  I can't be strong and be undermined at the same time. It is sad though, and I feel a loss that seems to echo through my life.

[Ciorsdan]

My mother 'split' my brother and I while we were growing up.  I was the "all-bad" child because I wasn't in the popular group of kids, I spent time with the "nerds, I liked to read and be on the computer and all the while, I never got into any trouble or did drugs or drink alcohol.

My brother was the golden child.  He was popular, fit, great at football and everyone knew his name.  He had girls fighting over him, the ultimate American Boy.  But he also had a lot of difficulties and got heavily into drugs and alcohol while he was still in school. 

After I moved out, my mother and brother fought all the time.  He would be yelled at because he hadn't made the sports section of the paper that week, or for whatever she could think of to yell at him for.  Unfortunately, he has headed down a very dark path, and I pray for him every day.  It's a very sad situation, and I wish I had known what the problem was when I was still in school. 

At the time, I thought the problem was me.  When my brother and I both moved out of the house, she started in on my step-father, but apparently not to the same degree she treated my brother and I.

Maybe I could have notified someone?  Maybe I could have made a difference in my life?  Maybe I could have made a difference in my brother's life? 

These questions haunt me, but all I can do is learn to love myself, pray for my brother, and try to lead a fulfilling life after I am able to put some distance between myself and my mother.

[Heathermarie]

I too am now totally split from my only sister.  I won't lie... .  losing my BPD mother and drunk step-father was like a vacation, but the loss of my sister is like a never healing wound. 

Unfortunately, they set it all up years ago and I am not in a position to stop it.  They are rich, I am not and she's a divorced, single mom in her 20's.  She needs them to help her with $ and watch my nephew so I am now dead to her just to keep the peace.  In a way, I don't blame her.  Maybe she was just smarter because she doesn't let mom get to her and takes her money without a thought. 

[hopesprings]

Heathermarie,

I understand your feelings about losing your sister.  My mom still helps support my brother and so he needed to continue his relationship with her to maintain his lifestyle.  Because I'm the "bad" sibling, I'm out. The sad thing is even if I was able to renew a relationship with my brother, my mother can't resist interfering with our communication and causing problems.  It is such an obvious pattern that even my friends recognize it and point it out to me.  Doesn't make it any easier to accept.