Coping strategies

[Suzn]

We talk a lot about healthy coping skills. Putting together a coping strategy toolbox so that when something happens to trigger us we are better prepared is a good plan. Temporary distraction is a good idea, it doesn't keep you from dealing with something that stresses you, instead it gives you some time to step back, take a breather, then be able to deal the issue from a less emotional state.

Some examples of healthy coping skills would be:

Exercise- take a walk, go for a bike ride, go to the gym, etc...

Practice mindfulness- Stop what you're doing and take notice things around you, what you hear, what you see, what you can smell, etc...

Deep breathing and/or meditation- take a few minutes to practice deep breathing or set aside some time in a calm place to meditate.

Opposite action (a cbt/dbt technique)- if you're feeling down and feel like doing nothing but sitting or sleeping, the opposite action would be to make yourself do something. It can be small like clean your room, go somewhere with a friend, go outside, etc... Opposite action also works for emotions. If you're feeling sad or angry do something nice for someone.

Listen to music- we all know when we hear our favorite upbeat song it get's our attention. It makes us feel better, keep music that you love handy to give yourself a boost.

A lot of these you can use together at the same time. What are some coping strategies you've used or want to try?

[Cumulus]

I think it will be interesting to see some answers! Almost two years since separation for me and I have gone through many coping strategies.

First few days, wine. It numbed the pain, what can I say.

First few weeks, being good to myself, new linens, bath stuff and lotions.

First few months, finding out what I was dealing with. My coping came in the form of empowering myself, finding out all I could about what he had done.

At around the six month mark he got diagnosed with BPD. My coping then became self education. Finding out everything I could about this illness and the impact it had on my life.

I began writing more in my journal as I had too many thoughts to keep in my head.

It was around this time that I realized that I had neglected my spiritual being for far too many years. I have become a spiritual person and that is new for me. I never considered meditating before and now my day is not complete without the peace it brings. I have drawn closer to God and that helps me cope.

I have a balance in my life now that was never there before and that balance helps me cope.

I am not the same person I was two years ago.

[healingmyheart]

Reaching out to friends who can and will listen and making new friends.

Having a giving spirit by it by volunteering or just doing something special for someone in need.

Following your passion whatever that may be.  I am in interior designer and when my boyfriend lived with me, I wasn't allowed to express myself through my design work.  I allowed him to dictate what was design worthy.  He would say "That's gaudy hence I wouldn't use it".  The designer in me is back and I'm trusting and following my passion... .  and to think I let some guy who knows nothing about design and good taste dictate to me... .  please!

Only two weeks so I'm trying to redirect my energy.  Every day I do something just for me even if it's something small. 

I go to the gym as much as possible... .  working out is my therapy.

Thinking about long term and short term goals.  Short term I'm going to finish some home project, etc.  Long term I'm thinking about going back to school.  Notice the focus is on ME!

Spend quality time with my daughter.  I feel (no, I know) I neglected my daughter during the relationship esp. in the end when things got bad and he was verbally abusive towards her.  She needs her mom back and a big way. 

[Suzn]

It was around this time that I realized that I had neglected my spiritual being for far too many years. I have become a spiritual person and that is new for me. 

Finding and building a relationship with your higher power is an excellent coping strategy.

Following your passion whatever that may be.  I am in interior designer 

Building your own personal paradise is a great way to bring peace, a place to feel comforted.

These are awesome guys! I'm looking forward to hearing more ideas and plans too.

[Clearmind]

In the past one of my poor coping skills was to react/counter-attack. I felt I had to justify/explain.

I now visualize a big red "PAUSE" button if triggered - similar to the whitehouse red phone   - it provides me with a really good mental picture to remind myself that reacting is simply a primary response (emotional) - Pausing allows me to do a reality check of the facts/the data - rather than act in the moment/on impulse via an emotional/irrational response.

[Blazing Star]

I now visualize a big red "PAUSE" button if triggered - similar to the whitehouse red phone   - it provides me with a really good mental picture to remind myself that reacting is simply a primary response (emotional) - Pausing allows me to do a reality check of the facts/the data - rather than act in the moment/on impulse via an emotional/irrational response.

I love this Clearmind! Going to use this myself.

My healthy coping skill at the moment is making myself do something nice for myself, not just think about, or talk about it, but actually Do it! Rather than letting myself spiral down the triggered path I might run a bath, take a walk, sit in the sun with a cup of tea, and while I am doing this small nice thing I take big deep breaths of self compassion.

I am working on self-compassion because usually my triggers relate to my 'I'm not good enough' story.

[Maryiscontrary]

I have hardcore meditation tools that I have drilled into habit over many years. When something upsetting happens, my trained responses kick in an start to dampen it. It took 14 years to get this way. Also, it took eliminating gluten, as because of an autoimmune issue, it is severely neurotoxic.

Now, I live in an area of Texas where there are tons of canyons and cap rocks. That is, gorgeous drives. I am normally very frugal when it comes to fuel use, but when I go out on these little drives, i am totally in heaven with the colors and beauty. It is a well invested 15-20 bucks in gas.

Very self soothing.

[tailspin]

suzn,

Forgive me if I'm misunderstanding... .  but isn't the goal to extinguish the behavior of how we react to the trigger instead of just learning how to cope?

I try to keep the fire from igniting instead of learning how to put the fire out.  Challenging our anxious or depressed thoughts, instead of distracting ourselves, deals with the problem directly. Otherwise, aren't we repressing or denying?

If we can get to the root of a faulty belief then can't it can be extinguished?

My toolbox only has 1 thing in it: A shovel.

tailspin

[Clearmind]

I guess life is not constant - life will throw curve balls all the time - coping strategies help to alleviate the stress and long term impact. It is not always our beliefs that can cause a trigger - it can also be exacerbated by stress, a loss (death or r/s), financial strain, burnout, willful child.

However, I understand your point tailspin - I guess I see myself as being unique to the status quo, as many of us on the board are - our own r/s skills and possibly our childhoods were somewhat dysfunctional compared to others. We are dealing with heightened emotional responses - and the facts/data is what we usually discount. Its these facts that we need to tap into - this is where coping strategies help.

I see the coping strategies to be the pre-curser to learning more about us. Certainly faulty beliefs are part of that - when I mentioned the PAUSE button - its my faulty beliefs that I dive into - however if I don't recognize the trigger to begin with, completely ignore it and choose a poor coping skill, nothing is achieved. Alleviate the initial trigger with a coping strategy and then dig deep to see where the faulty belief is sitting.

One common maladaptive coping skill is dissociation (person compartmentalises thoughts, memories, and emotions) - one needs to learn to manage, using coping strategies, the dissociation before they can begin to work through the faulty belief. Another one, which is my favourite  , is avoidance.

It is more than likely, in time, and with practice - we do begin to reduce the triggers and the need for coping strategies - it does become more natural in nature - however if we are moving from a main board to inventory - coping strategies are one of the first tools we need.

I still use my coping strategies - because new stresses come into my life all the time. The difference being - I mange them a lot better.

[DesertChild]

Creativity, self awareness and meditation... .  were my main ones while I was growing up. I guess that's better than drinking, shopping, etc. But at the same time, I have to really work on being present, which the three coping mechanisms don't always give you.

Creativity encourages running away, but not always staring down and doing something about the problem.

Self Awareness meant I knew what was happening, but not always what to do about it. What's frustrating is when I know why, but I still can't move to do anything about it.

And Meditation while it could solve the problems in my head doesn't meant that external factors could be met with action.

I wonder if I could have developed a coping mechanism that was both productive and not costly... .  

[almost789]

My best coping strategy is getting outside and walking, especially in the sunshine. Also, music, dance and excercise. I am delving into meditation strategies as well. But I especially love to go outside and hike or walk. Nature is great for peace of mind.

[Rose Tiger]

I was in the dentist chair and the hygenist was going to town on my teeth.  It hurt bad!  I think if you want to torture someone, go for the teeth!  I tried mindfulness, felt my sweater, the skin on my arm, it wasn't working.  Then I got a foot cramp and that took my mind off my teefers.  Trying to slip the back of my shoe off my foot without moving was a challenge, trying to adjust my foot totally took my mind off the nazi torture in my mouth.  Then she took that sharp pointy hook, again dug it in good and hit my gum, I could feel the blood draining into my mouth.  I gave up and went limp, silently whimpering.  Their radio was playing "Hello It's Me" by Todd Rungren.  I was in hell with no escape.  So foot cramp and acceptance and yelling LA LA LA at the top of my thoughts were my coping strategies.  Thanks for reading.   

My usual strategies are walking the dog, reading, spending time with my teen, playing GOOD music on the radio, all very good stuff.

[Suzn]

Forgive me if I'm misunderstanding... .  but isn't the goal to extinguish the behavior of how we react to the trigger instead of just learning how to cope?

tailspin we are all beautifully, imperfectly human. If one was raised to use healthy coping skills then of course we wouldn't want to extinguish that behavior. A lot of us weren't raised to know how to cope with stresses in life. Stress is a part of life. So, learning to walk before you can run is a good plan.

I still use my coping strategies - because new stresses come into my life all the time. The difference being - I mange them a lot better.

And here are, drum roll please, the benefits of developing healthy coping strategies.  

These are all great strategies. Keep these ideas coming!

[gina louise]

rose, totally OT

if you have sensitive gums ask them to prep you before they do any deep cleaning/digging with the lidocaine gel. No shots-they just swab it on.

it works WONDERS-and lasts a long time. really helps a lot.

torture belongs in the dark ages!   

GL

[gina louise]

I do chores-physical stuff like mopping, scrubbing, yard work, windows, vacuum.

keeps me in the moment and gets stuff done.

I work out, gotta get better about that.

I play with my grand kids.

I take 3 days before I make a BIG decision. ANY big decision.

GL

[Rose Tiger]

Thanks, Gina.  I usually take an advil before hand but forgot.  I was in that chair for an hour and a half.  They play music like Bread - It Don't Matter to Me which plays in my head for days afterward.  My teen and I were laughing later about the awful music they play.  I think it would help the world of dentistry to have a wine bar in the waiting room.  I was in that chair thinking about, ok, what coping skills do I have?  I can't do lamaze which is great for pain, because with that you need your eyes open for a focal point and be able to breath through your mouth.

I also find strength in God.  At work it just downright sux at times.  We are going through a re-org and they converted all our data into a different system that couldn't really accomodate it.  I have been analyzing and trying to fix.  My job has steadily increased with more and more demands by corporate.  The lead snears at me and says, we never had to do work like that in the past, like I am some sort of liability to the staff.  We met with our new org leadership and everything they asked about, the answer was Rose Tiger does that.  It is finally dawning on them that what I do is kind of the meat to our point of our group.  Resentments building sort of thing, that new manangement is looking to me as the go to person.  Ugh.  The boss that is so enmeshed with a couple of the employees on our island of misfit toys, he consistently gives big raises to these two (one is as dumb as rocks but it's not what you do, it's who you know) and the rest of us get squat.  I got the lowest raise of the group.  My T is pushing me to find another job, I push back saying wherever I go, I take me with me.  It's funny, my boss's old boss would constantly sing my praises of how dependable and accurate my work is, they see it two levels up but who I report to has no idea what I do.  Anyway, I tell myself that God sees me, God knows what I do and I think about Joseph of the coat of many colors, spending years in jail for a crime he didn't commit and he is finally exhonerated to become the second most powerful person in Egypt. 

We do teach people how to treat us.  I was in such awful shape during the worst of it with ex.  My self esteem was shattered and it affected how people saw me at work.  That's what I'm fighting now.  Rebuilding my reputation.  When someone is not respectful, I respond differently.  I'm working well with the new org, building alliances.  People in my group with their snotty attitudes often can't get responses, I get immediate replies.  We will be moving into a new building and I'll be meeting many new people.  It doesn't get better overnight but little by little, things are improving.  Therapy, reading many books and this site have all helped me to take better care of myself and to heal.  It wasn't just the ex, although he ripped off every scab on my heart, it was overcoming a horrible family legacy that had me convinced that I was worthless.  Those were the vibes I was giving off.  Being your inner child's champion, things start turning around and changing. 

[Maryiscontrary]

Rose, to be fair the overwhelming majority of corporate structures reward narcissm and sociopathy. These are some epic a holes, rose. Insufferable structures that are unfixable.

This is why I did everything I could to work for myself. I am lamb meat to those types of psychos.

[Rose Tiger]

I would never want to be in the top echelon, it takes some cold blood to treat people as expendables.  I've worked with all kinds of folks and there are many non A-holios.  Most folks just want to do a good job and be recognized for it.  The places I have had the most troubles is the more isolated situations.  Do you ever watch the show Survivor?  When there is nothing else going on, people tend to eat each other.  Little things become huge issues.  The person that is freaking out over a moldy tupperware in the fridge, sending out emails and putting up signs... .  they crack me up.  The person that I reported to during the worst of my situation, he was so sweet, I was struggling pretty bad and he would email me, hey rose, if you get a chance, please do xyz report.  (That was a deadline of two days prior).  He never told my boss that I was missing deadline after deadline.  I do believe God had that person in place to help me through the worst of it.  I'm thinking that our island of misfit toys is going to get very interesting when we move from our isolated site to a building with many people.  My boss is getting a corner suite with huge windows.  He is very anti-Christian so I wince when he uses God's name as a cuss word.  His view at the new place is the hugest biggest church in town.  God has such a good sense of humor. 

[Maryiscontrary]

What a stressful environment. Is there a way you can form boundaries to not be the "go to" overworked guy? These people will crash weak fences and eat their golden goose on a hot dog bun.

[Rose Tiger]

I have no problem being the go to person.  What was ugh was my coworkers were hurt.  I didn't want that.  They brought up the things they focus on and the new leadership said, we don't do those processes here.  I was vindicated as 'valuable' but also watched their fallen faces as they were told their work was of no value.  Ugh.

[gina louise]

Rose Tiger

you are not so much a liability at work as a necessity! you are that piece of their puzzle that they know they need, the corner one with all the straight edges-helps hold the whole thing together! that makes it hard on you.

see what happens after the move to the new place. it may "open" things up. if it's still bad- plan an exit strategy.

I am working on inner child stuff these days too. Written dialogues mostly. wish I could share those tools with my xh. he was so abused as a kid and denies it had any lasting effect.  "?"

GL

[Suzn]

Rose Tiger being a systems analyst you have a certain skill set that many don't. This can be utilized as a tool in your own recovery. Let's look at what you've written and break it down to specific coping strategies. I'm going to challenge a few I noticed (in blue) and ask you to identify them and consider what benefit they are to you. Here is a template, of sorts, that that may help here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=196617.msg12217074#new 

Thanks, Gina.  I usually take an advil before hand but forgot.  I was in that chair for an hour and a half.  They play music like Bread - It Don't Matter to Me which plays in my head for days afterward.  My teen and I were laughing later about the awful music they play.  I think it would help the world of dentistry to have a wine bar in the waiting room.  I was in that chair thinking about, ok, what coping skills do I have?  I can't do lamaze which is great for pain, because with that you need your eyes open for a focal point and be able to breath through your mouth.

I also find strength in God.  At work it just downright sux at times.  We are going through a re-org and they converted all our data into a different system that couldn't really accomodate it.  I have been analyzing and trying to fix.  My job has steadily increased with more and more demands by corporate.  The lead snears at me and says, we never had to do work like that in the past, like I am some sort of liability to the staff.  We met with our new org leadership and everything they asked about, the answer was Rose Tiger does that.  It is finally dawning on them that what I do is kind of the meat to our point of our group.  Resentments building sort of thing, that new manangement is looking to me as the go to person.  Ugh.  The boss that is so enmeshed with a couple of the employees on our island of misfit toys, he consistently gives big raises to these two (one is as dumb as rocks but it's not what you do, it's who you know) and the rest of us get squat.  I got the lowest raise of the group.  My T is pushing me to find another job, I push back saying wherever I go, I take me with me.  It's funny, my boss's old boss would constantly sing my praises of how dependable and accurate my work is, they see it two levels up but who I report to has no idea what I do.  Anyway, I tell myself that God sees me, God knows what I do and I think about Joseph of the coat of many colors, spending years in jail for a crime he didn't commit and he is finally exhonerated to become the second most powerful person in Egypt. 

We do teach people how to treat us.  I was in such awful shape during the worst of it with ex.  My self esteem was shattered and it affected how people saw me at work.  That's what I'm fighting now.  Rebuilding my reputation.  When someone is not respectful, I respond differently.  I'm working well with the new org, building alliances.  People in my group with their snotty attitudes often can't get responses, I get immediate replies.  We will be moving into a new building and I'll be meeting many new people.  It doesn't get better overnight but little by little, things are improving.  Therapy, reading many books and this site have all helped me to take better care of myself and to heal.  It wasn't just the ex, although he ripped off every scab on my heart, it was overcoming a horrible family legacy that had me convinced that I was worthless.  Those were the vibes I was giving off.  Being your inner child's champion, things start turning around and changing. 

[Rose Tiger]

Hmmm, discounting, belittling and blaming?  

It hurts when the lead speaks of my work as worthless.  In her eyes, she sees the company asking for something that she considers as no value.  It feels good when upper management recognizes my work as valuable and well done.  She has worked for this company her whole career, I've jumped around and seen what is important at each company I've worked at.  My background is very broad, her's is very narrow.  She's never been hungry.  I've been in dire straits.  I instinctively know what is important to 'pay the mortgage'.  So it's easy for me to feel all hoity toity, somehow one up?  Versus saying, I hear you that this looks like no value to you, in my experience this was the focus every place I've worked.

That sort of thing?

The enmeshment involves the prima donna princess that has been coddled as the company paid her way through college and then she became the sychophant of the lead.  She was assigned to me to learn part of what I do.  I spent hours upon hours patiently explaining the same things over and over.  She just didn't get it.  I've been a manager in the past, at other places.  I would never hire this person or if she was my employee, her tasks would be very simple things.  Complex tasks confuse her, even when explained over and over in the simplest details.  This person received the highest raise, as she does every year.  She is like their baby.  It hurts when I am doing very complex tasks, working through very hard systems, being dependable and accurate and the boss comes to me and says, do you ever work on xyx system.  Well, yeah, for two years.  :)oes he read my performance review?  When I was a manager, I rewarded productive employees for what they did.  He does not and it builds resentment.  That would go in the no control bucket.  Other than find other employment.

[Suzn]

Hmmm, discounting, belittling and blaming?  << Why the question mark? This is a self assessment. What do YOU think?

It hurts when the lead speaks of my work as worthless.  In her eyes, she sees the company asking for something that she considers as no value.  It feels good when upper management recognizes my work as valuable and well done.  She has worked for this company her whole career, I've jumped around and seen what is important at each company I've worked at.  My background is very broad,<<can you find security/confidence in this? her's is very narrow.  She's never been hungry.  I've been in dire straits.  I instinctively know what is important to 'pay the mortgage'.<<how do you cope with the upset of this and how can you work to get your needs met?  So it's easy for me to feel all hoity toity, somehow one up?  Versus saying, I hear you that this looks like no value to you, in my experience this was the focus every place I've worked.

That sort of thing?

The enmeshment involves the prima donna princess that has been coddled as the company paid her way through college and then she became the sychophant of the lead.  She was assigned to me to learn part of what I do.  I spent hours upon hours patiently explaining the same things over and over.  She just didn't get it.  I've been a manager in the past, at other places.  I would never hire this person or if she was my employee, her tasks would be very simple things.  Complex tasks confuse her, even when explained over and over in the simplest details.  This person received the highest raise, as she does every year.  She is like their baby.  It hurts when I am doing very complex tasks, working through very hard systems, being dependable and accurate and the boss comes to me and says, do you ever work on xyx system.  Well, yeah, for two years.  :)oes he read my performance review?  When I was a manager, I rewarded productive employees for what they did.  He does not and it builds resentment.  That would go in the no control bucket.  Other than find other employment.

Are you defending your position in this position? Do the strategies you identified benefit you? The topic here is coping strategies, what strategies can you put in place for the upset/hurt so that you can work towards a solution to the problem from wise mind? 

[Rose Tiger]

During the worst of it was after he physically abused me.  I was broken down into the worst fog.  Building up to this was the devalue, couldn't do anything right in his eyes, chunk by chunk, I was being dismantled.  My productivity was awful.  Awful.  If my managers weren't so out of touch with the projects I do, I so would of been fired.  This is where their lack of concern was a benefit.  Oh rose takes care of that and not another thought to it.  So now when I've rebuilt and working close to my old levels, now   now I want them to pay attention.  Hey, look at what I did.  What?  Yeah, big deal, that's what you do.  OH, not so fast managers, this is what is going on and this is what I do.  More vocal.  More keeping them in the loop.  Which is how I operated before getting sidelined by the trouble at home.  I used to get excellent reviews before the crash.  I know I can do good stuff.

Snotty attitudes.  Before the move, we did a lot of testing to how it would look on the other side.  I was involved and responsive to the new group folks.  The others in my group, not so much.  New folks, hey rose, do you know the answers to this stuff?  No, coworkers are working that piece.  They ask coworkers, hey can status this and this still needs checking.  I was cc'd.  The responses were unbelievable how they talked to our new group.  I was embarrassed for them.  Now that we are integrated, new folks aren't too excited to help coworkers because of the flack during the testing but if I have a need or a question, the response is immediate.  I know it is belittling to say snotty attitudes.  Maybe I look for things to look down on others?  Ha ha new folks like me.  Ok, I haven't mentioned this to anyone at work, it's my own personal thoughts and feelings.  Maybe my coworkers want to take me out back and shoot me?  Was it my responsibility to try to rectify the lack of support to the new folks?  Should I have attempted some damage control?  It really was the boss and lead's responsibility to oversee that sort of thing.  Thoughts?

[Suzn]

Are you defending your position in this position? Do the strategies you identified benefit you? The topic here is coping strategies, what strategies can you put in place for the upset/hurt so that you can work towards a solution to the problem from wise mind? 

[Rose Tiger]

Hmmm, discounting, belittling and blaming?  << Why the question mark? This is a self assessment. What do YOU think?

It hurts when the lead speaks of my work as worthless.  In her eyes, she sees the company asking for something that she considers as no value.  It feels good when upper management recognizes my work as valuable and well done.  She has worked for this company her whole career, I've jumped around and seen what is important at each company I've worked at.  My background is very broad,<<can you find security/confidence in this? her's is very narrow.  She's never been hungry.  I've been in dire straits.  I instinctively know what is important to 'pay the mortgage'.<<how do you cope with the upset of this and how can you work to get your needs met?  So it's easy for me to feel all hoity toity, somehow one up?  Versus saying, I hear you that this looks like no value to you, in my experience this was the focus every place I've worked.

That sort of thing?

The enmeshment involves the prima donna princess that has been coddled as the company paid her way through college and then she became the sychophant of the lead.  She was assigned to me to learn part of what I do.  I spent hours upon hours patiently explaining the same things over and over.  She just didn't get it.  I've been a manager in the past, at other places.  I would never hire this person or if she was my employee, her tasks would be very simple things.  Complex tasks confuse her, even when explained over and over in the simplest details.  This person received the highest raise, as she does every year.  She is like their baby.  It hurts when I am doing very complex tasks, working through very hard systems, being dependable and accurate and the boss comes to me and says, do you ever work on xyx system.  Well, yeah, for two years.  :)oes he read my performance review?  When I was a manager, I rewarded productive employees for what they did.  He does not and it builds resentment.  That would go in the no control bucket.  Other than find other employment.

Are you defending your position in this position? Do the strategies you identified benefit you? The topic here is coping strategies, what strategies can you put in place for the upset/hurt so that you can work towards a solution to the problem from wise mind? 

I guess my strategies are patience, continuing to be productive, taking set backs as ok, this is where the crash has some long lasting damage.  I do think that their feelings and opinions are a reflection of them.  I don't feel the need to go into people pleasing mode so much but more thinking, ok, that's their opinion.

[Suzn]

I do think that their feelings and opinions are a reflection of them. 

Absolutely. As ours are of us. 

When we feel hurt, the best advice is to identify it, feel it all the way through, so you can then react appropriately. Some suggestions... maybe some deep breathing, centering oneself with exercising some mindfulness practices, give yourself permission to take a short walk (to the water fountain, walk to your car and back, grab some gum from a vending machine) etc... this can help you through the process so you have time to relax, think and identify more assertive ways to get what you want.

[Rose Tiger]

Are you defending your position in this position? Do the strategies you identified benefit you? The topic here is coping strategies, what strategies can you put in place for the upset/hurt so that you can work towards a solution to the problem from wise mind? 

Defending, working through my thought processes.  Old patterns are hard to overcome.  Recently I've noticed that I'm left off some important emails.  I got hurt, mad, frustrated at being left out of info that I need.  I wrote an email saying to please cc me on xyz topics.  And felt really bad.  Like, thinking, they didn't want me to have this info because they think I'm no value.  But the email was assertive, hey I need to know this stuff.  I thought, I do need to be on cc for this, if they get mad at me for bugging them about it, well that's just crazy.  I have a right to be included on this info, nothing personal.  I was feeling out of sorts because I had asked the lead to tell everyone that I needed this info, I asked a while back and she did nothing.  So writing the email felt like I was overstepping the lead.  Then I thought so what, if she can't get around to it, I'll take care of it.  These are choppy waters for me, I can't tell when I'm being too assertive, not assertive enough so I have lots of debates with myself.

[Suzn]

Old patterns are hard to overcome. These are choppy waters for me, I can't tell when I'm being too assertive, not assertive enough so I have lots of debates with myself.

Absolutely. These are not skills we were born with, they take practice. Be kind to you as you navigate the new territory.