They know exactly what to say...

[Dave44]

The things they say make you feel so sure, so safe... .  so at peace. It really is all a lie though isn't it? Like they know EXACTLY what to say. How could we not get sucked in? I met my ex August of 2012. Like everyone here the relationship took off at lightning speed. Like all the rest I too heard the "you're not like any guy I've ever been with", "I've never felt this way for someone before", "I never thought I could love this much" etc etc. A month later into early September I could feel myself really falling hard for this woman. Now, I have my own issues with abandonment -- I think we all do to some extent. Given the intense feelings I was having with her I decided to write her a heart felt, honest e-mail detailing my feelings for her but more importantly my reservations of really letting go with her. Kind of put my thoughts on "paper" so to speak. Here was her reply to that:

":)ave, thank you for this email.  Means so much to me, glad you were able to think about things and dig deep down. I know everyone in your past has left you and you can't help but feel  scared that it's going to happen again once you get close to someone cause really that's all you've ever known.  But time and Life changes, I"m not anyone that has abandoned you and I can promise you one thing I never will be.  I mean it when I say I truly feel we belong together.  LIke you were my missing piece.  When we are together I have never been so happy and felt soo complete.   I believe we have a lifetime of this and I truly hope as time goes on and we spend more and more and more time together and our relationship progresses all those fears will just fade away and you'll be filled with not only a sence of belonging with me and the girls but also a sense of certainty that we are never going anywhere unless your with is.  Love you so much and thanks again for sending this xoxo"




Wow, I thought! Needless to say after that I completely let go of all my inhibitions and never looked back. Come October she was really pushing me to move in with her and her two kids. That was a big step for me but hey, why not? After all, she was my soul mate... .  "the one"... .  right? November 1st I moved in and things could not have been better. Another great example of some of the things she said was on November 24th. I was at work and we had been texting about Christmas coming up. I told her how incredibly excited I was for Christmas. How for the first time in a long time I wouldn't be alone on Christmas day and would be spending Christmas with a loving family. This was her reply to that:

"Aww Hun you're not only spending Christmas with a family you've  become a part of this family. My girls love my boyfriend so much they want you as heir father and I've, finally... .  found the one and only for me. Nothing will ever be the same as life as you knew it. We are a unit now and together forever we'll enjoy every part of this life together. We're so happy to. To finally find our man and have him for our first Christmas together!"



Like I said that was Saturday November 24th. The following Monday (the 26) after a very, very small difference in opinions on something she once again became quiet ( I believe she was the waif type as she never raged, just got silent and withdrew.) decided that she didn't want to do this anymore and told me I had to leave... .  right now. What? Leave? Where? I had given up everything I owned less than a month prior except my clothes and my TV to move in with her. She didn't care, I had to leave. I was forced to take a hotel for a week until I could find an apt to rent and I haven't heard from her since. Completely cut me out of her life in every way shape and form.

How do they do this? How do they say such intimate stuff and then poof... .  they switch? It's no wonder we fall so hard. It's almost like they read us and know exactly what to say. In turn taking our very souls with the them. The sheer lack of empathy and remorse is unfathomable and something I still struggle to comprehend.   

[almost789]

Those are very intimate things she said. Mine did the same. Such extravagantly intimate and close words of 'your the one ive waited my whole life for ' type stuff. I want to be with you for years and years to come. Then the switch. Its crazy.

[waitaminute]

You ask " how could we not get sucked in?"

I've asked my therapist a similar question. Assuming that I am somehow abnormally vulnerable to such words, I asked "how would a normal man respond to the words of a BPD who is trying to pull them close?"

I don't think I've heard the answer yet beyond "they would politely say goodbye before any relationship starts"

Yes... .  "how could we not get sucked in?"

And I didn't have abandonment issues. I just needed to be needed.

[Slowlybutsurely]

My ex said almost word for word the exact same things your ex said, and then poof, it was over. She raged and told me how horrible I was, what an awful person I was, the whole time we were together. I was like, Wait, What?

I know exactly how you feel.

I guess that's why we are on this board. Because it screws you up Badly! Really badly. It's been almost two years for me, and I finally see the light, and know beyond a doubt that I was dealing with someone seriously messed up. And I'm over her, finally. What a bat ___ crazy person. I have pity for her, in an abstract way, but I don't like her or respect her anymore. I wish I had never met her.  It's liberating to feel that way.

They are really messed up, and we need to accept that, at some level, hard though it is to comprehend.

I hope it gets better for you soon. Know you aren't alone on this.   

[Suzn]

Hey Dave 

I know how hard this is for you, I can hear it in your words. Breakups can be so difficult. Ya know, who doesn't want to hear things like this from someone they love? I believe she meant what she said when she said it. Her fears took over and she doesn't know how to regulate the intensity. The depth of the sincerity you felt from her words, imagine, what depth her fears can go. As hard as it is to believe, her fears have nothing to do with you, they were there long before she knew you. You sound like a very kind soul, give time time my friend. 

[Li Po mem]

So Hurtful. It's terrible. Sorry.

[Wooddragon]

I have heard all of this word for word - they must get it from books or the movies. Last time was the last day I saw him nearly 4 weeks ago. and also " I want to marry you yada yada" - next day he was on a dating site auditioning replacements. I don't think he believed it when he said it - rather pure deliberate manipulation to get me to agree to sex & fulfil his emotional needs. Although I knew he was barking mad before that episode, I had at least thought that he meant those things when he said them. Wrong wrong wrong!

[Dave44]

Hey Dave  

I know how hard this is for you, I can hear it in your words. Breakups can be so difficult. Ya know, who doesn't want to hear things like this from someone they love? I believe she meant what she said when she said it. Her fears took over and she doesn't know how to regulate the intensity. The depth of the sincerity you felt from her words, imagine, what depth her fears can go. As hard as it is to believe, her fears have nothing to do with you, they were there long before she knew you. You sound like a very kind soul, give time time my friend.  

Thanks for your words. I'm not sure if it had anything to do with fear. She didnt seem to fear anything really. Matter of fact she was quite unemotional in general. I used to always think she was just an extreamly emotionally strong woman. I think if anything it's just a case of a complete and utter lack of conscious. I simply don't think they know how to relate to someone else's feelings - it's something they never developed and they just don't know any better. It's the only explanation. Like I said, they know exactly what to say but in the end actions speak louder than words and her actions were cruel, heartless and incredibly hurtful. She became the angel from my nightmares.

[atwitsend]

Hey Dave... .  

Same sort of tale of woe right down to the two kids.

Mine made a huge, giant deal of pontificating about how: "this is OUR home now--you live here."

Ummmmm... .  okay? I gave up my apartment so where else should I be?

Then she made me feel like a complete stranger in OUR HOME. I lived out of a suitcase for a year--not enough closet space, ya know.

When she brought up moving out, I leapt at the opening.

"you don't have leave instantly," she said.

"yes I do " I responded. "I've NO plans on providing you with another dime in $$$."

And, as it turns out, that's all she gave a crap about. It's taken a long time to get here BUT good riddance to trailer park garbage!