I Wonder If She Thinks I Hate Her

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello bpdfamily friends! I have posted sparingly over the past couple of months after posting quite a bit after my initial break-up with my exBPDgf. I have done rather well since the initial shock of how everything played out with her at the end. In fact, a little over a month ago, I posted about how well I felt I was doing three months removed from the break-up. And all things considered, I still think I'm doing very well. I've taken time out, looked at myself and tried to correct things about me that led to the relationship with my ex. In fact, recently I met someone who I like a lot. But I'm taking things slow with her. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes I made by quickly getting sucked into a relationship like I did with my ex.

With all that being said, for whatever reason, I've been thinking about my ex a lot lately. I don't miss her (although I do miss the façade of a relationship I thought we had) and I certainly do not wish for her back. I accepted awhile back that she is very mentally ill and she will most likely be that way for the rest of her life. In many ways, I feel bad for her. I still pray for her often and hope she is OK.

One of the things I've been thinking about a lot lately (for whatever reason) is if she thinks I hate her. If I were to guess, I bet she does. The things I discovered at the end of our relationship were so shocking to me, that at that time I didn't want to talk to her because I was so hurt. She tried a couple of times to reach out, but I would have none of it. I felt it was best for me to just stay away from her (good advice I got from here, looking back) and protect myself.  I haven't had any contact with her since shortly after we broke up in early November. Other than getting odd text messages from random numbers (I'm pretty sure it was her) and being fairly certain I saw her parked outside my place one night, I haven't had any direct contact from her.

Based on what I've read about BPD (and trust me, that's a lot!) I've read about how common it is for recycle attempts to happen. I worked with a T and together we developed a plan for all kinds of scenarios for if she tries to reconnect. My T thought it was "very likely" that she would try to reconnect. Four months out, I haven't heard a peep from her. From what I've read on this site, I know that is actually a very good thing.

But lately, I've been wondering why I haven't heard from her. Odds are, it's probably because someone else is there for her now. But part of me lately has been wondering if its because she thinks I hate her. My silence toward her is something I'm sure she is not used to from previous relationships. I think she is used to getting her way.

I don't know why I'm wondering this. To be honest, it somewhat bothers me I'm still dissecting this so much. Who cares? I don't want her back. I don't know why I'm trying to figure out what is going on in her mind because I know I will NEVER have that answer. It just baffles me I haven't heard from her. 

Anyway, just seeing what other people thought about this. Is it possible that she thinks I hate her and knows it's no use trying to contact me and doesn't want to risk further pain herself because she knows I won't respond (which would be true)? The truth is, I don't hate her at all. The silence is for me and to protect me. 

Thoughts? Thanks for all you guys do!

[asher2]

Hello bpdfamily friends! I have posted sparingly over the past couple of months after posting quite a bit after my initial break-up with my exBPDgf. I have done rather well since the initial shock of how everything played out with her at the end. In fact, a little over a month ago, I posted about how well I felt I was doing three months removed from the break-up. And all things considered, I still think I'm doing very well. I've taken time out, looked at myself and tried to correct things about me that led to the relationship with my ex. In fact, recently I met someone who I like a lot. But I'm taking things slow with her. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes I made by quickly getting sucked into a relationship like I did with my ex.

With all that being said, for whatever reason, I've been thinking about my ex a lot lately. I don't miss her (although I do miss the façade of a relationship I thought we had) and I certainly do not wish for her back. I accepted awhile back that she is very mentally ill and she will most likely be that way for the rest of her life. In many ways, I feel bad for her. I still pray for her often and hope she is OK.

One of the things I've been thinking about a lot lately (for whatever reason) is if she thinks I hate her. If I were to guess, I bet she does. The things I discovered at the end of our relationship were so shocking to me, that at that time I didn't want to talk to her because I was so hurt. She tried a couple of times to reach out, but I would have none of it. I felt it was best for me to just stay away from her (good advice I got from here, looking back) and protect myself.  I haven't had any contact with her since shortly after we broke up in early November. Other than getting odd text messages from random numbers (I'm pretty sure it was her) and being fairly certain I saw her parked outside my place one night, I haven't had any direct contact from her.

Based on what I've read about BPD (and trust me, that's a lot!) I've read about how common it is for recycle attempts to happen. I worked with a T and together we developed a plan for all kinds of scenarios for if she tries to reconnect. My T thought it was "very likely" that she would try to reconnect. Four months out, I haven't heard a peep from her. From what I've read on this site, I know that is actually a very good thing.

But lately, I've been wondering why I haven't heard from her. Odds are, it's probably because someone else is there for her now. But part of me lately has been wondering if its because she thinks I hate her. My silence toward her is something I'm sure she is not used to from previous relationships. I think she is used to getting her way.

I don't know why I'm wondering this. To be honest, it somewhat bothers me I'm still dissecting this so much. Who cares? I don't want her back. I don't know why I'm trying to figure out what is going on in her mind because I know I will NEVER have that answer. It just baffles me I haven't heard from her. 

Anyway, just seeing what other people thought about this. Is it possible that she thinks I hate her and knows it's no use trying to contact me and doesn't want to risk further pain herself because she knows I won't respond (which would be true)? The truth is, I don't hate her at all. The silence is for me and to protect me. 

Thoughts? Thanks for all you guys do!

[Matt]

Well it's perfectly common and normal to wonder all sorts of stuff about how somebody else's mind works, after you've been with her for a while.

The first thing to make sure of is that you don't take any actions that will make things worse, like reconnecting with her.

And over time you can continue to work on focusing on the positive things in your life, and not "ruminating" about what didn't work and won't work.

Trying to guess or understand how someone thinks, whose thoughts are pretty twisted - which is what a personality disorder is - twisted thinking - trying to figure it all out will just drive you nuts yourself.  You're really going to have to let go of it, and just accept that you don't really now how her mind works, except it doesn't work in ways that allow her to have a good relationship.

[fakename]

Well said Matt.

Also, I doubt she spends much time thinking about you and she is with someone else from my experience. She's just trying to figure out what she needs to do to survive and not feel lonely on an hour by hour basis. As long as that is being met, what does he need you for?

Remember nothing was real and all the things you did for her only provide temporary relief. Thy aren't able to connect or look back at what you did for them. They need your contact constantly. Otherwise from what I gather, their mind can't feel or appreciate the love you or I can when we look back at a memory. They need constant stimulation

[asher2]

Matt... .  thanks for the advice. Don't worry, I have no thoughts at all about reconnecting with her. And like I said, I have no idea why I've been thinking about this lately (maybe because there is a potential for a new relationship in my life?). But you are right, there is just no figuring out her mind at all and I just need to drop it!

it's just sad all the way around. Sad I thought a relationship was something it wasn't and sad for her that relationship after relationship for her will probably always be like this (and probably always has been before me as well). She will always get in the way of herself.

[LoveNotWar]

Every time my ex didn't get what he wanted he said I hated him, he KNEW I hated him, everybody hated him... .  so if that's any indication of BPD characteristics I'd say your ex probably believes you hate her... .  don't you just feel such compassion for people who can't even accept love?

Aren't you glad you aren't dealing with that anymore?   

[asher2]

LoveNotWar... .  Great example and point. And yes, it is nice to not have the drama of her in my life anymore. Looking back, everything with my ex was full of drama. With the new person I've begun seeing, everything is so much easier and drama-free. I forgot what that felt like!

[honesty2013]

In the exact boat as you!

As fake name stated, she's along with my ex probably found someone else and are NOT thinking of us and they probably do hate us