Change the subject

[XL]

Man. We were all out at dinner tonight. I really wasn't into it, but decided to play nice.

SO many bizarre statements came up. How funny it was she was into compulsive shopping. How our relatives suck and how their life choices are wrong. How she should charge people for her stellar psychological advice. Called a sibling's partner by the wrong name. How the whole family should just die because the world is getting too complicated. Demanding ownership of pics of our dad, when she forgot to invite him. Taking a bunch of pics in case I die on vacation. This is GOOD behavior.

What I did:

"Look at that interesting chandelier!"

"Taste this delicious chicken!"

Etc. It worked, or at least derailed enough bizarre crap to keep things moving smoothly. I think I'm going to do this more. It still makes my skin crawl, but at least no one left crying.

[XL]

I think it's ok to do this for weirdly manic comments. Bizarre jabs made in poor taste with little reflection.

I don't think this is a good tactic for real emotions or statements that deserve to be acknowledged. I'm keeping this in my "toolbox" though.

[Clearmind]

You know XL, I do that when I'm at dinner with my family. I couldn't even begin to tell you of a family dinner that happened this time last year! My Goodness.

I actually had a bit of a giggle at your post - not at you personally - it just so reminded me of some our family dinners - I may have to use "look at that chandelier" line someday.

We don't have to fix the weirdness so everyone feels comfortable - we can however - in our own way - simply not take it onboard and yes look at the chandelier.

Are you going OK? Are these dinners no longer a huge surprise to you? Do any emotions come up for you or have you just accepted that that is how it is?

[XL]

I was annoyed at this instance. The whole point of the dinner was that I'm going on vacation, I suspect she's convinced I will die on vacation, and desperately wanted to meet for dinner even though I didn't have the time.

However, a sibling/roommate arranged the whole thing. I acknowledge they have a right to interact with her as well, and decided that I can't dictate how others interact with her, so I decided to be pleasant.

I did prioritize my own activities. Meaning I excused myself out of dessert to do stuff I needed to get done. No one cared. I feel good about prioritizing my own plans, if only partially.

---

I am irritated that there's a manic lack of self censorship. I don't know what causes that, but she says just weird, morbid, crazy stuff a lot. Sometimes under extreme cheerfulness, which makes it weirder. Tonight's topics covered extortion, baseless lawsuits, plans to intentionally piss off family members with political arguments, accidental death, mass suicide, compulsive shopping, and stalking. All of these framed as jokes, but they aren't particularly witty nor jovial, just manic. It's funny how these bizarre trains of thought seep into even cheerful speech.

It's too much to even protest. I guess that's where the personality disorder part of it comes in. I only react if it's a demand for some specific action from me, I guess.

I just wish I could sit down at a nice restaurant without having to talk about mass suicide for one goddamn dinner. And not have to pack for every vacation expecting to die.

[Clearmind]

Sorry to hear XL - acceptance of our family can be a difficult road. Know that it is not a reflection on you personally.

My expectations of how interactions went was always a cause of concern for me - I would expect x, y, z and got a,b,c - it would send me for a tail spin. I have learnt to not have expectations, ignore some things, set boundaries for others - it does get easier and acceptance becomes a fact of life rather than a struggle.

I have gone through periods of grieving/mourning the family I thought I had - this step is part of the Survivors Guide over to the right of the screen. In learning to cope, it helps to see how our family of origin (FOO) impacts us - acknowledge it - understand it and process it.

We, as adults, now have the power/choice to make things better for us.

All the best to you on your vacation.

[GeekyGirl]

I just wish I could sit down at a nice restaurant without having to talk about mass suicide for one goddamn dinner. And not have to pack for every vacation expecting to die.

Oh my goodness, I hope that you're excited about your vacation even though your mother tried to convince you that you're going to die. Wow, XL, I really, really hope that you don't let this drag you down. Please don't let your mother's fear ruin what should be a wonderful time. Clearmind is right--this is not about you at all--this is how your mother's overwhelming fear of abandonment is showing itself.

Out of curiosity (and you may have touched on this at one point--my memory can be lousy at times), do you know why your mother has such an interest in death and dying? Did she lose someone close to her when she was young?

You have a great point, BTW, about changing the subject being a good way to occasionally deal with your mother's behavior. Her feelings should be validated, but once you've done that, it's ok to change the subject and move on. You also did set a few boundaries here and upheld them, and for that you should give yourself some credit.  

[rescuenomore]

Wow, i found your posts interesting to read.  I hope you do have a lovely holiday!  We get similarly anxious/anxiety provoking comments from my MIL (who I think has a PD) whenever my husband goes away so now we don't tell her but then we get 'in trouble' for not telling her . 

My uBPDm is obsessed with morbid stuff and used to watch the crime channel continuously (even whilst going to sleep).  And I hear you about the lack of self censorship.  Didn't matter how many times I asked her not to talk to me about murder, child abuse etc., she still would or she'd turn to my husband to tell him the story while I was in the room.  Maybe I should try changing the subject.  Yet she asks me to stop talking about things that make her feel anxious, such as news reports.  She even said to me once that she hoped my husband wasn't an eraser killer (I had no idea what that even was- as in- if we got divorced he might kill me and our children).  What the ? 

Anyway maybe it is part of the disorder?  My mother did lose her father at an early age and given no opportunity to grieve. Maybe that was a factor in her developing the disorder?