Why I don't want to go back

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Along the same lines as this "lack of depth in conversation", I've been wondering if anyone else experienced anything similar to this with their exwBPD:

Pretty much every time my exwBPD had a "breakdown", she would send me a somewhat lengthy (for her) text or email the next day.  At the time I mistook these messages for apologies, though I've read back through them and realized none of them contained an apology; rather expressions of shame.  They all had 2 things in common:

1) She would always make some reference to having written then while distracted with something else (ex: "I wrote this while I was getting ready for work, so it's probably all over the place"

2) They ALWAYS ended with "I have so much more to say to you, but I'd rather talk in person".  She NEVER, once, said anything else after the message.  

I now realize both of these were basically excuses for her inability to truly apologize, accept responsibility for her behavior, or even actually truly discuss what had happened.

I'm wondering if anyone else had similar experiences.  I now view this childish inability to speak with any depth as a huge  .

Hi sunrising

yes - my latest example (of several) was an e-mail that was a reply to one I'd sent about kids so I opened it thinking it was an 'arrangement' e-mail.  It was an apology of sorts but my feeling after reading it was that it was something he'd felt he needed to write to feel better about himself.  There were also several references to my real/perceived flaws so I felt worse after reading it instead of better.  This came at a time when I wasn't sure if he'd left or not but he didn't take up any offer to meet so I realised that we had split again and he wasn't going to talk about it.  His apology actually ended with a comment about not needing a response (his way of saying - "don't discuss this, just let me apologise so I can move on without any guilt"?)

I actually wrote him a response but held off sending because part of me wanted to believe he had really examined himself and was going to make some changes.  I felt a response from me would have seemed invalidating and caused him distress.  But I am still angry and upset some time later - feeling 'silenced' - whilst he is 'happy' with someone else.

He apologises, appears to be genuinely sorry but then goes and does exactly what he apologised for.

One reason why I can't go back this time.

[clairedair]

Along the same lines as this "lack of depth in conversation", I've been wondering if anyone else experienced anything similar to this with their exwBPD:

Pretty much every time my exwBPD had a "breakdown", she would send me a somewhat lengthy (for her) text or email the next day.  At the time I mistook these messages for apologies, though I've read back through them and realized none of them contained an apology; rather expressions of shame.  They all had 2 things in common:

1) She would always make some reference to having written then while distracted with something else (ex: "I wrote this while I was getting ready for work, so it's probably all over the place"

2) They ALWAYS ended with "I have so much more to say to you, but I'd rather talk in person".  She NEVER, once, said anything else after the message.  

I now realize both of these were basically excuses for her inability to truly apologize, accept responsibility for her behavior, or even actually truly discuss what had happened.

I'm wondering if anyone else had similar experiences.  I now view this childish inability to speak with any depth as a huge  .

Hi sunrising

yes - my latest example (of several) was an e-mail that was a reply to one I'd sent about kids so I opened it thinking it was an 'arrangement' e-mail.  It was an apology of sorts but my feeling after reading it was that it was something he'd felt he needed to write to feel better about himself.  There were also several references to my real/perceived flaws so I felt worse after reading it instead of better.  This came at a time when I wasn't sure if he'd left or not but he didn't take up any offer to meet so I realised that we had split again and he wasn't going to talk about it.  His apology actually ended with a comment about not needing a response (his way of saying - "don't discuss this, just let me apologise so I can move on without any guilt"?)

I actually wrote him a response but held off sending because part of me wanted to believe he had really examined himself and was going to make some changes.  I felt a response from me would have seemed invalidating and caused him distress.  But I am still angry and upset some time later - feeling 'silenced' - whilst he is 'happy' with someone else.

He apologises, appears to be genuinely sorry but then goes and does exactly what he apologised for.

One reason why I can't go back this time.

[Peterpan]

To all in the last few posts...

During the handful on short meetings with him, I obviously had lots of questions, the obvious one would always be" why aren't you ASKING me to see you or talk to you?" but I never asked it, I knew he would just change the subject to a totally different topic.

On one occasion, after not seeing him in person for weeks and all the usual, miss you's,love you's,can't wait to see and hold you's over and over again... .  I asked him "what's with all this back and forth behaviour?"

He answered with," I've been thinking of my daughter a lot, the one I never see" I allowed him to talk of her a little,,he cried,sobbed actually... .  held me, said,,"you are so beautiful, you break down my walls" I then said, "It's good that you can tell me"... .  so now,"what's with all the back and forth behaviour?",,needless to say, he changed the subject to another completely different topic!

About deep conversations... .  not even a chance... .  no point in even trying... .  sad that in the beginning he listened, talked, and made out he was very interested in my life, thoughts, values! Everyone we knew would say ,they saw us a a perfect couple, so alike.

A taker, but never a giver is another on my list, we talked a few times on the phone, I always had to push him, or directly ask him,,then he would text and say... .  yes... .  call me!

The only two times he ever called ME  were after there was some trouble with the other woman.

Yes, eighteen months of I love and miss you's... .  need to see your smile and hear your voice... .  need to hold you... .  constantly on  my mind... .  over and over again.

[v123uf4]

Wow... .  I was nodding my head when reading many of these.  I have been so happy since my divorce, and was just thinking the other day about how different things are now that I am in a healthy relationship.

Here are the first 10 reasons I could think of why I don't want to go back (and there are many more)... .  

1) Not allowing me to go out with friends, and threatening to kill himself when I made plans with friends

2) Accusing me of having an affair with every man or woman I talked to

3) Smashing my sex toys to pieces with a hammer

4) Constantly misplacing his wallet, keys etc and then calling me a “lousy excuse for a woman” when I didn't know where they were

5) Met a woman when we were at a bar with friends and he told her he loved her more than he loved me

6) Wanted to quit work and be a “stay at home husband”, and felt like I should get a second job to support that

7) Made comments about how other drivers should be put to death because they can’t drive as well as he can

8) Would wake me up by pinching my nose closed and putting his hand over my mouth so I gasped for air

9) Would go on a rampage telling me what a terrible person I was and then would want to have sex

10) Constantly accused me of being physically abusive after I play-punched him ONCE

[sad but wiser]

Man oh man, another stay at home husband!  No thanks!  Did he ever do the laundry, the shopping, the cooking, pay the bills, clean the toilet?  Mine blew jobs and interviews, never started the business we sank our extra money into and now wants permanent spousal support and a free house.  Talk about feeling entitled!