Why am I upset about her?

[HarmKrakow]

I wonder people, why do we allow people who treated us like

-emotional blackmail

-dishonesty

-jealousy

-strange white/black behavior

-emotional abuse

-swearing/raging for trivial matters

-walk over our boundaries

-‘steal’ our identity

-leave us financially/mentally/physically in the gutter.

to be so in our mind and not being able to let go? If in a normal r/s one would do this to us we would be like      YOU! Get away from me and the detachment is like, why ON EARTH, would I still have feelings for such a btch?

I’ve witnessed something for the first time in months, I was shouting in myself why the      did I let her do all this ~ to me, while she is already moving on (got another mail, she’s happy, having an awesome life + awesome social life) and it felt like a little 'unfairness' spark in me. Also realizing there are thousands on this forum, in pain and agony, and our BPD exes seemingly easy continue life ...

[afterdeath]

I wonder people, why do we allow people who treated us like

-emotional blackmail

-dishonesty

-jealousy

-strange white/black behavior

-emotional abuse

-swearing/raging for trivial matters

-walk over our boundaries

-‘steal’ our identity

-leave us financially/mentally/physically in the gutter.

to be so in our mind and not being able to let go? If in a normal r/s one would do this to us we would be like      YOU! Get away from me and the detachment is like, why ON EARTH, would I still have feelings for such a btch?

I’ve witnessed something for the first time in months, I was shouting in myself why the      did I let her do all this ~ to me, while she is already moving on (got another mail, she’s happy, having an awesome life + awesome social life) and it felt like a little 'unfairness' spark in me. Also realizing there are thousands on this forum, in pain and agony, and our BPD exes seemingly easy continue life ...

Welcome to the anger stage.

[SarahinMA]

I go back and forth from being incredibly angry at him to feeling sorry for him.  There are so many times that he talked crap about people he now considers his close friend.  He can never just trust people- everyone is seen in black/white.  I wouldn't want to live that way- when is this person going to leave me or believing that this person hates me.  I remember when I confessed to him that I didn't hate him, he was shocked.  All he does when he's around mutual friends is to talk about his accomplishments- that's all he has.  He's so insecure, he has to talk himself up.  

He absolutely treated me like sh!t in the end... .  devalued me, discarded me, coldly cut me from his life, blamed me for everything, smeared me to mutual friends (or he got his narcissistic best friend to do it).  I know who I am though and I've worked hard to better myself after that.  I will probably continue to ruminate about the amazingly good times we shared... .  the connection we had... the wholeness I felt when I was with him.  I'd never felt my heart melt with anyone before I met him.  BUT I'm getting better at immediately reminding myself of the pain he caused, the doubt I felt, the physical illness the toxic relationship caused me.  He lied to me, repeatedly... .  I could never trust him again.  That's what I keep reminding myself.  

[whatarideout]

I wonder people, why do we allow people who treated us like

if we sustain a relationship with someone who treats us with a certain negative behaviour, it's because at some level, we believe we deserve such treatment.

throughout our conditioned mind, there are a multitude of paradigms that control our lives. the way we think and feel. which in turn, determines our life.

when someone behaves poorly towards us and we continue to accept this behaviour, it is merely an example of someone confirming the paradigm to be true. this paradigm was formed way before they entered the picture, but re-surfaced once you commenced the relationship.

if you can't figure out why you would put up with such behaviour, it's because there was one or more occurrences in your past that sent you the message you deserved to be treated like crap. you then believed this person or circumstance and formed a paradigm that became a habitual thought process. the paradigm is then "carried" throughout the rest of your life until you replace it with a new one.

someone who refuses to be treated in a negative way simply "believes" they deserve better.

[have gone nc]

I used to completely blame the illness myself until i read an article

" you only attract somebody on the same emotional maturity level as yourself "

then it started to come together... .  Anyone who has self esteem/respect wouldn't enter this relationship full stop... .  I have MASSIVE codependency, rescuer issues.

It also occured to me how arrogant i was thinking i could fix someone with that much trauma... .  who am i superman? I can make up for a lifetime of abuse and trauma by paying her bills and telling her i love her... .  seriously?

I do not have the skills and training to change somebodys emotions/way of thinking... .  

My ex had it all, I was loyal, kind, trustworthy, supported her financially, set her up for life... .  She will never truly understand. And its not her fault... .  But its not mine either so I have to move on.

[waitaminute]

Emotionally they are children, unhappy children. That is the mental illness. It's not just a normal person. Mentally ill. Mentally ill. Broken.

[have gone nc]

The part about being a child is true but to call them broken is kinda unfair. They are still people who have the right to happiness. Its a shame that they always self sabotage... .  

I heard someone state that they do not believe its a mental illness, as more of an "emotional disorder", As they are not a child mentally as most are more clever than "normal" people, but they are a child emotionally.

My exBPD was EXTREMELY talented in art, could draw photo realistic pictures that were unbelievable... .  but could not have a mature relationship with anyone.

[have gone nc]

I wonder people, why do we allow people who treated us like

-emotional blackmail

-dishonesty

-jealousy

-strange white/black behavior

-emotional abuse

-swearing/raging for trivial matters

-walk over our boundaries

-‘steal’ our identity

-leave us financially/mentally/physically in the gutter.

All of the above are only what we ALLOWED them to do, If we hadn't allowed it we would have not entered a relationship with them... .  

If in a normal r/s one would do this to us we would be like      YOU! Get away from me and the detachment is like, why ON EARTH, would I still have feelings for such a btch?

But a normal relationship ( on both sides ) would never have these things in it?

[Surnia]

Harmkrakow

About me I can say:

My interpersonal skills from my FOO are not so great developped. Or not in a healthy way. It took me so long to recognize emotional blackmail or black and white thinking. And it took me even longer to see this as very difficult and not my fault! I spend so long time to "make it work".

My boundaries are nearly not existent in a love relationship.

So I "allowed" this relationship. I think in my case it is more about poor skills, personel deficits.

[HarmKrakow]

Harmkrakow

About me I can say:

My interpersonal skills from my FOO are not so great developped. Or not in a healthy way. It took me so long to recognize emotional blackmail or black and white thinking. And it took me even longer to see this as very difficult and not my fault! I spend so long time to "make it work".

My boundaries are nearly not existent in a love relationship.

So I "allowed" this relationship. I think in my case it is more about poor skills, personel deficits.

How did you develop those boundaries again? For me it was a question of self esteem. As she stripped me of my self esteem, my boundaries seemed to be non existent anymore and I seemingly had no answer to her mental abuse. I felt like i had nothing to fight back with, so i took her rage and emotional blackmail upon my shoulders until nothing was left of me and then she left ofc.

Now I do realize I was never able to stand up against her due to the fact I didnt feel confident anymore.

[Tired of it]

It seems as if we are hitting a breakthrough realizing that there is no reason for us to be this way.  I just finished posting this before I read this post:

I have been thinking about something that was posted before I read it. 

SELF ESTEEM and SELF WORTH

The common theme amongst those who post are that we forget who we are.  We forget that we used to not know these people and got along in life just fine.  It is the fact that we sacrafice our own self-esteem, beliefs, values, etc to accommodate to a feeling we all "thought about" and "wanted" before we met them but were doing just fine without and perhaps would be doing much better if we had never met them.  We have to realize that there is nothing wrong with us but the whole plan was to make us believe that.  Getting back to loving ourselves is what it is all about and remembering that we used to not know these people.  Easier said than done but we really don't need therapy.  We need to "man up" and get back to who we used to be.  Being alone wasn't a problem before.  Remember that!

As I stated earlier and as my friend used to tell the girls who wanted to end relationships with him... .  "We used to not know them"

[have gone nc]

This is much deeper than to " just man up " this is an instinct we have just like the person with BPD. This is not aware to us until it is triggered... .  

That kind of thinking will just lead to entering another abusive relationship... .  trust me, I done it

[charred]

Man up is not the solution...

We are deeply effected... and I gave my short version of why... the pwBPD is a primary relationship for us... which is not normal.

You can tell someone whose parent dies to "Man up"... but to handle it they have to understand it, go through grieving and finally accept it. It may be harder if instead of dead... you have the person still walking around and pushing you away, or  worse yet, in the arms of another... like it was nothing to them.

https://bpdfamily.com/detaching/01.htm

[Surnia]

How did you develop those boundaries again? For me it was a question of self esteem.

For me it was more like: I am allowed to have boundaries, especially in intimate rs. It was often topic with my T. Making exercises, speaking assertive, being aware if I let someone overstep the fence or not.

All this goes together with a low self esteem, I am not sure however, which is chicken and which is egg... .