What is the power?

[coworkerfriend]

Why does he have so much control over me?  Why am I so broken by him?

My stress and anxiety have never been higher.  I am a shaking  mess today.

I know how horrible he is - why do I take it? Why do I try to make it better?

He keeps wanting me to talk and then rips me apart.  When I stay silent - he rants and raves.

He has left twice and I have left once.

I don't know why he has come back. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[committed]

A person only has power over us if we allow them to have power over us. Don't give him that control and power. You will never be able to change him, but you can learn to control the manner in which you react to him.

[coworkerfriend]

You are absolutlely right.  I give him the power. I give him the control.

I need to get myself under control.

He does not deserve me.  I am a good person.  I deserve to be treated well. 

[arabella]

You are absolutlely right.  I give him the power. I give him the control.

I need to get myself under control.

He does not deserve me.  I am a good person.  I deserve to be treated well. 

Yup. This. 100% you deserve to be treated well! Now how are you going to do about it? What boundaries are you going to set so that you can feel good about things? I ask because I think these sorts of things all the time, but I seem to have trouble doing anything beyond the thinking part... .  

[coworkerfriend]

I have to figure something out.  Today had to be one of the scariest days I have experienced with my pwBPD.  He was absolutely out of control.  I am still reeling.  My head is in a million places.  He was fine one minute and on the verge of a breakdown the next. 

I obviously have no idea about what my boundaries are.  I am so exhausted that I can't even fathom what I am going to do.

I thought I was strong. I thought we were making progress.  On Monday we were fine.  On Thursday, everything is upside down. Our employees are walking on eggshells. We have good people.  They do not deserve to be working under these conditions.

I am broken and exhausted beyond words.  I do not know how I am going to face tomorrow. 

[arabella]

What type of business setup do you have? Are you and your pwBPD co-owners? Because you're right, it's one thing for you to subject yourself to this (bad enough), but it's another thing to be inflicting it (even unintentionally) on other innocent bystanders (i.e. employees). Even if you decide to put aside working on your personal boundaries for now, you absolutely must have some in place for work. Maybe focus on that first and give your head a break from the r/s work for a day or two (or as long as you need).

You said he was "absolutely out of control" - what does that mean? Is he threatening you or others? Also, it is possible to be making progress and to have set-backs too... .  have you read the info here re 'extinction bursts'? I have no idea if that's relevant to your situation but it could be something to consider if you've recently been implementing changes (even positive ones).

I obviously have no idea about what my boundaries are.  I am so exhausted that I can't even fathom what I am going to do.

. . .

I am broken and exhausted beyond words.  I do not know how I am going to face tomorrow. 

You need to take a break. Really. You aren't going to be able to handle this or make good decisions in this state. Can you take a day off? Do you have someone you can call to help talk you through some of this? Honestly, you have to take care of yourself first, or you'll be useless to everyone (and even more frustrated). 

[yeeter]

A person only has power over us if we allow them to have power over us.

There was a famous person that quoted this in a historical context (I believe it was in regard to slavery( - I saw it once but have never been able to find it again.  It really really resonated at the time. 

Something like:

Oppression can only happen as long as the oppressed allow it.   

Would like to find that quote again, I need to tape it to my wall... .  

[coworkerfriend]

Yes we are co-owners of a business.  I have to focus on boundaries at work.  I have to just focus on work.  We have good, loyal employees.  Everyone understands he gets moody.  This week, he was off the charts in fury, rage and ranting.  He slammed doors - left and came back a number of times and made himself sick.  He threatens to leave during these rages.  He threatened suicide.  Last time I saw him this dysregulated was over 2 years ago.  At that time, I had no idea about BPD and I really believed I could make things better.

Thanks for the suggestion about extinction bursts - I read up on it last night.  It fits - we were making really positive changes over the course of the last 4 months.  It could explain some of his outbursts.

I can't take a day off.  He is worse if I am not here. I have no one to call.  I have no one in my real life to talk through this.  I was in therapy last year and I need to go back.  I am completely alone.  I don't know where to turn but here.    

[coworkerfriend]

Thanks Yeeter - I have to take back control and power.

You and Committed are right.  I am letting this happen.  I have to stop. 

[yeeter]

I was in therapy last year and I need to go back.  I am completely alone.  I don't know where to turn but here.    

T is a great idea.

And you are NOT alone.  Keep posting here - it is called a 'family' for a reason - you are part of it.

 

[coworkerfriend]

Thanks - that made me cry.  I have felt so alone with all this.

I just I felt better.  I am anxious and sick to my stomach at the thought of seeing him today.

I wish I felt confident and strong and that I could face anything.

[Somewhere]

The why?  Have studied this through a bit, and as near as I can tell -- it is Love.  Or at least the mirage of it.

"We" Nons want above all else:  To Love and To Be Loved.

We will put up with any amount of crap to get it.  Since a BPD can mirror back what is presented so well, we send Love and think we see it coming back. 

Sort works ok some of the time, but when the switch flips and we see what we are really dealing with . . .  it is rather shocking and jarring.

I am not saying they are even really trying to use us.  Just the way that game plays out.  Someone deep in the pits of Mental Illness is not capable of Love any more than a Dog is capable of doing Calculus. 

[coworkerfriend]

I was re-reading my posts.

I sound pathetic and weak. 

I used to be a strong confident woman.

Where did she go?  I need her back in my life.

He still hasn't shown up for work today. 

[Somewhere]

I was re-reading my posts.

You can learn a lot that way.

I sound pathetic and weak. 

mho, You sound human.  Not such a bad thing.

I used to be a strong confident woman.

Where did she go?  I need her back in my life.

So ask her.

He still hasn't shown up for work today. 

I kind of think there may be a strong confident woman around there somewhere who will handle the job. 

[coworkerfriend]

I lost myself in this relationship.  I lost my foundation and I lost my bearings.

I need to find strength within myself.  I need to be strong - not just for myself but for my employees.  We all deserve better.

We can't let ourselves be controlled by mental illness. 

Through the course of my entire life, I have had huge issues with boundaries.  I need to establish some solid ones.  I can't be scared to establish boundaries. 

I have to figure out how I can keep the business running and successful. 

All of this feels so daunting at the moment.  I am overwhelmed and exhausted.

[Somewhere]

mho, start with figuring out which way North is.

A true and external reference. 

[benny2]

Honestly coworkerfriend, I have asked myself all those questions that you are asking yourself and I believe the correct answer is indeed love. We all want it and need it and at times they know how to make you feel like they can truely give it, but I do now believe they are not capable of it. I am tormented daily with  these feelings. One day I am the love of his life and the next he is not sure. I know I deserve better and could have better, but I just have not been able to let go. I know deep down inside it is enevitable. It must be a very difficult decision on your part having to work with him besides. I can put him out of my life completely if I chose to, I just have to throw in the towel.