something just dawned on me...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I was thinking about re-engaging and although i think some people do it for validation that they are worthy. I also wonder if we secretly like it because we feel they "need" us and that helps with our rescuer issues? Like if no-one needs our help or they are just managing and therefore not bothering us, then there is no one to help/rescue which triggers us in some way?

Any thoughts on this?

[have gone nc]

I was thinking about re-engaging and although i think some people do it for validation that they are worthy. I also wonder if we secretly like it because we feel they "need" us and that helps with our rescuer issues? Like if no-one needs our help or they are just managing and therefore not bothering us, then there is no one to help/rescue which triggers us in some way?

Any thoughts on this?

[LuckyEscapee]

Most people like to feel wanted I think, but when a pwBPD tries to re-engage is it often not even because they feel anything at all, they just do probably in a bored moment needing attention from somewhere. The last time I interacted with my ex (I was dreading it happening) it was actually good for me as it proved to my mind that,

a) he hadn't changed any, still angry at the world, still in denial of what he did to me

b) he is definitely BPD, definitely, definitely, definitely

He tries to waltz into my serenity and healing space on his random impulse with his drama-filled crazy, self-centered crazy, expecting me to jump to attend to him.    telling me I am his soul-mate forever (his is engaged to my replacement) in one sentence and then that one day he will really feel my loss. What the fruit-loop! I was left in tiny shreds by the experience and he says he may one day feel it! He is thee Mr "Jar of Hearts" and I am done with him. NC is gold!

Sorry back to your point. Not sure that need is the right word, but for want of a better word, they never need us, they only use us to fill gaps and voids. If they 'needed' us, the answer to keeping us would have been simple: love us and treat us, as we loved and treated them, and not rage, hate and break us.

[cookiecrumbled]

Most people like to feel wanted I think, but when a pwBPD tries to re-engage is it often not even because they feel anything at all, they just do probably in a bored moment needing attention from somewhere. The last time I interacted with my ex (I was dreading it happening) it was actually good for me as it proved to my mind that,

a) he hadn't changed any, still angry at the world, still in denial of what he did to me

b) he is definitely BPD, definitely, definitely, definitely

He tries to waltz into my serenity and healing space on his random impulse with his drama-filled crazy, self-centered crazy, expecting me to jump to attend to him.    telling me I am his soul-mate forever (his is engaged to my replacement) in one sentence and then that one day he will really feel my loss. What the fruit-loop! I was left in tiny shreds by the experience and he says he may one day feel it! He is thee Mr "Jar of Hearts" and I am done with him. NC is gold!

Sorry back to your point.

LuckyEscapee - this post is pure awesomeness.  Thank you.

Cookie

[cookiecrumbled]

they never need us, they only use us to fill gaps and voids. If they 'needed' us, the answer to keeping us would have been simple: love us and treat us, as we loved and treated them, and not rage, hate and break us.

Truer words were never written.  Thank you.

Cookie

[willy45]

Yes. For me, it was me looking for validation that what I went through was as terrible as I experienced them. It was asking someone who was abusive to me to realize and admit what she had done was abusive. That is kind of insane. But, I kept up the hope that she would see the light. Obviously, if she had that capacity, she wouldn't have been abusive with me in the first place.

[gina louise]

golly-thanks for this thread.

I needed to see this today. NEEDED to.

My elderly father fell dead in his home on Tuesday night... .  andmy stbxBPDh is trying to be nice kind and suddenly supportive-when his last text prior was "make your future plans without me as I am making mine without YOU."

I am feeling vulnerable and even more alone than before... especially NOW.

Everyone else in my FOO has a SO for emotional support right now-and I have... .  my dog. (who is adoring and attentive-but not human.) it's a rough time for me to be alone and feel alone.

I need to remember all the crazy hate fueled drama that my HUSBAND created to force me to flee. so I STAY alone.

GL

[LoveNotWar]

Gina louise, I am sorry for your loss, this must be a very difficult time for you and I know it must be tough to go it alone. 

I had a good friend who had a horrible year of loss, despair and rotten luck. Her mantra became... .  "and the hits keep coming".

Hang in there.

LNW

[gina louise]

 LoveNotWar .

"and the hits keep coming".

that's my mantra too!

LOL than I guess I need a bat, and some batting practice. or body armor so I can take a hit.

this has just been NOT my year... .  and it started last summer.

So I suppose I have a few more months left to tough it out.

thank you, though-made me laugh.

GL

[LuckyEscapee]

So sorry for your loss. That is tough enough without anything else. 

Stick with your dog; loyal, loving and stable 

I hope your luck changes soon Gina.

[GreenMango]

I was thinking about re-engaging and although i think some people do it for validation that they are worthy. I also wonder if we secretly like it because we feel they "need" us and that helps with our rescuer issues? Like if no-one needs our help or they are just managing and therefore not bothering us, then there is no one to help/rescue which triggers us in some way?

Any thoughts on this?

Awesome question reflecting back on why we let a person who's not quite fitting the bill for us back in. 

I'm guessing yes.  Take someone who wants to be rescued and someone who likes to rescue---my guess if there wasn't the more chaotic and destructive things going on this type of relationship could go on forever.  Check out the movies-this is a genre.

[have gone nc]

I kinda feel everyone has missed the point, I wasnt talking about the pwBPD, I was talking about our own rescuer instincts?

[GreenMango]

Getting a rush from rescuing isn't unheard of.  It speaks to our ego... .  I helped them, I made them better.

It feels good to be useful.

[gina louise]

well initially I DID rescuemy stbxBPDh. I felt he was a troubled, sensitive soul and I could love him back to health and happiness. NOT.

Now I am wondering why, when I feel needy, hurt and alone, would I ever go back to that dynamic?

now that he's "acting" stronger and more stable. and I feel crap?   

tables turned... .  but I can't imagine his day to day behavior is any better.

GL