Things going in my head from final breakup w/ xBPDgf NC for 1month

[Rye82]

After a month of our final breakup and NC from my exBPDgf I started to realize so many things. To take note the reason why I finally broke up for good and was finally determined to stay away from the relationship is because I already caught her having another BF while we were still together thats why I finally decided to set her free for good and definitely no more recycling nor going back even though I always believed that love with prevail during honeymoonphases bcoz I thought of my self worth suffering too much already... the pains of dealing with her rages everyday and devaluing, but when it comes to cheating caught red handed with evidences thats when it becomes a different story for my opinion... At first i told myself I can handle the rages, devaluations, maltreatments, and the lying as long as there would be no evidences of cheating despite of few text messages of flirting and entertaining of other men aside knowing that she has a disorder of seeking attention and etc... so its more of me understanding my gf condition and because I loved her so much, but when the cheating came along it just broke my heart into pieces making me believe thats its about time to let go for good... I was too emotionally attached already and I was giving too much love and caring already that i already felt sorry for myself... Its about time to love myself. The suffering must stop as I told myself. BTW were 6 months only. But living together.

Things going in my head after a month of final breakup with my exBPDgf with NC

- The longer the NC is the more painful it gets knowing that you guys cant be together anymore for good

-The reminiscing of good and sweet memories together are getting more intense whenever I remember them

-Questions in my head starts to rise such as didshe really loved me knowing it was only a NEED, but still hoping that there must be a trace of love even just a little

-Who is she spending time with now and is she happier with him

-Who is she sleeping with night after night knowing our sex was amazing before (thats what kills the most every other minute of my healing period)

-How many guys in this lifetime would they be encountering sex and relationship wise. (very depressing to me knowing I have loved this woman so much and knowing that her as a woman will undergo go such journey)

-Hoping and praying that she encounters descent guys who will not use her disorder fo sex purposes only not much love involve

-Does she ever think/remember me nor miss me as her past lover

-Will the next guy last

-I realized that I am lucky to get the strength to be able to detach coz its the hardest thing to do

-Im starting to feel better once inawhile feeling that im starting to heal and recover better, but still when memories with her comes in the depression and anxiety kicks in really bad

-The anger starts to disappear from the cheating but the main problem is missing her comes in my head again

-Im learning to look at other woman already once inawhile (which is good) which before I cant coz I am so much inlove with my ex, but still once inawhile still comparing her good traits and looks

-Flashbacks of how i met her rises once inawhile

-Longing words she told me when we were still together makes me ask myself was it really love at all

-A little happy that im taking a step forward to moving on other than wasting emotional time and effort being in a dysfunctional relationship

-Wishing her luck and happiness in her life eventhough we all know there suffering from inner struggles in life

-Wishing my next realtionship to be more succesful and oh God please keep me away from another BPD relationship haha once is enough to be encountered

-Im starting to see the brighter mornings of my future and Im having better focus on my career now

-Knowing that the best revenge (we really dont have to coz we know they are ill) from what they did is to get on with a healthier succesful life and show them we can get into a happy and healthier relationship

-Realizing that my BPD relationship was a nightmare and became my most traumatic emotional experience

-Finally understanding that there is more into life than just dealing with them and being too inlove with them

-Realized that having to loved them for our part was also an achievement of what we can offer as a human being when it comes to love and understanding (which not everyone can do)

-Having an exBPD is also a learning experience in life that will help improve our weakness from codependency and hopefully improve our future relationships and even ourselves

-The honey moon phase was a great experience

-Learning to forgive her with everything she did coz we really have to understand there condition

-Acceptance for the failed relationship is sinking in more as of the moment

-Never leave regrets as much as possible coz its harder to move on and heal

-Try to forgive and forget and have the "LET GO" attitude so that its easier to move on

-Emotional scars starts to heal but you have to deal with it day after day one moment at a time

-Still difficult to go out and try to have fun coz somewhere out there something will still remind you of her

-Desperately trying not to think of her and just try to keep myself busy and distracted

-Gym is my bestfriend now

-Reconnect with old friends is such a great therapy

_Realized that you have to get it out of your system by sharing it to your friends even if its the same story that you keep on telling everyone... just vent it out

All in all having to detach for the last time when we are finally decided gets more intense as time passes by because it is when we start to realize that there presence will never be there anymore for good, not like previous breakups werein  we always find a way to rescue them and fix the relationship and still have the will power and positive thinking that in matter of days you will be together again. But not with final detachment, it is when you start to close the curtains for a better you but definitely the pain will hit us so badly that our emotions will start to let go bit by bit as a defense mechanism understanding that there could never be an "US" between you and her and life must go on and move forward.

To be honest with all of you breaking up with our exBPD is very hard and near to impossible (when your very inlove with them) but its the only way to live a happier life and less stressful life...

Lastly

Its the ''Good Sweet Memories" that haunts me most and makes me so depressed as of now... although my tears are drained already but it still rips my heart away, wishing what if we were still together with that same happiness we used to be...

If i made it out on the maze, you guys can make it... yet im still struggling but I do have enough fighting spirit to heal my battle wounds...

Goodday everyone

[LoveNotWar]

Rye82, you are really moving forward. Good job! Yes, it's painful, intensely painful. But you continue to keep your eye on the prize... .  peace, happiness and no more walking on eggshells.

A lot of your story feels familiar to me. Thanks for sharing so candidly what I bet a lot of us feel.

LNW

[Rye82]

LoveNotWar

Thanks, I know its very hard to move forward but I dont want my self's worth come crashing like a doormat...

Yes I am still broken and at grieve, but atleast being able to detach for the last time and maintaining NC is such an accomplishment. Wheww im so lucky to get out of it...

Btw, have you succesfully detached already?

[HarmKrakow]

LoveNotWar

Thanks, I know its very hard to move forward but I dont want my self's worth come crashing like a doormat...

Yes I am still broken and at grieve, but atleast being able to detach for the last time and maintaining NC is such an accomplishment. Wheww im so lucky to get out of it...

Btw, have you succesfully detached already?

Well, you are quite strong I have to say. I first would not be able to write such an openings post without crying, and when I was remembering all that what you wrote there it drove me so mad I started to doubt my own will to live. So I went crying to a GP who gave me anti-depressants straight away. Thats now a few days ago

[Rye82]

harmkrakow

Thanks but honestly speaking Im not really that strong its just a matter of having to choose the right path for my life now... Because knowing that your love ones cheats on you is a different story especially if you really love the person that much and lets say even if she has BPD its not an excuse for us to take care of them and sacrifice our happiness relationship wise jsut to provide them their needs of being having to be loved... Yes, there was a point i wanted to love her even though the pain is excruciating already emotionally but long term wise I suddenly realized why am i in such situation... sad depressed and confused in the relationship... well sometimes you have to reflect on what life has to offer... and thats when you have to take charge of the situation... its either start detaching for a better tomorrow or stay for a more miserable waste of energy and time with a person whose never going to change not even a magical pill can solve the problems...

Actually i always get emotional when i write and think of her... its a normal thing for us nons to miss them that much... because having a relationship with a BPD takes a lot of will power to survive to a certain extent... Btw are you with your partner still?

[fakename]

thanks for posting this

[honesty2013]

thank you so much for posting. Your situation is completely IDENTICAL with the exception of my exBPDgf and I dated for 8 months.

It is the absolute worst feeling to break it off with someone that you care for so deeply but know, regardless of what attempts we make, or what changes or adaptions we commit to, they will never be what you and I need. I commend you, b/c I know how difficult it is, however if we do not weed the bad people out now, we will miss the right ones when they come our way.

My T have me these quotes to use everytime i start to think about her or comtemplating contacting her. They have worked for me, and perhaps can work for you if you are contemplating reaching out

" In this moment, i choose to value myself more than I value the other person"

"Confrontation cannot continue without your participation"

"Letting go is the natural release that follows the realization that holding on hurts"

[Rye82]

Honesty2013

Hi there, yeah its true however hard we try nothing seems to change anything... Never ending explanations, compromising, patience, understanding and the list never stops but still nothing really fixes the relationship and it just all ends up leaving us miserable in the end... Drained and frustrated... Its simple as how could we have the right person in our life if we are attached with the wrong person in our lives... Ive tried all of the different types of confrontations and closures for my peace of mind in the relationship... Yet its just a simple failure... Yes i would admit there are times i wanted to contact her really badly just for friendship purposes but realized its not also a smart move because seeing them and talking to them will keep us attach and recycled again... Well i finally decided to stay with NC for good and just let go of whatever there is in my heart for her and just let the good memories fade thru time and just keep it in my lifes archives... I guess as of the moment the holding on part feeling is just normal for someone who was very much inlove with there partner knowing they were abandoned without any closure... Just like having an unfinished business... All i could do now is just accept that my ex is suffering from a disorder and i have to take control of the situation to manage my emotions coz i cant expect her to cooperate with any of this anymore... Its like a car without gas its not going anywhere. What matters the most is that i gave it my all and i treated her well during the relationship and never took advantage of her disorder such as using her for sexual fantasies only... It was love... Thats why my main concern now is the abusive men she will be encountering in the future or if i may say presently... But i know its none of my business anymore, i just love her so much till nw thats why i still have this feeling... It just hurts that they have to leave us hanging as if there was no love in the relationship at all which is sad to know that it was only a need the whole time.

Its about time to repair myself and move forward to a happier life with a healthier relationship in the future... I am optimistic we can all do this... Its just a matter of inner strength emotionally and mentally to help face the healing and recovery part...

Thanks