No, they dont realize what they did wrong. Even after some time.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Lol, I broke up with my ex last fall and had strict No Contact until recently.

In the beginning, I was so upset that I felt nothing but anger about how I was treated. Eventually after a month or so, The anger went away and I started to ruminate over things in the relationship and how my ex could treat me so poorly.

Due to some very special circumstances, my ex reached out and I responded. This of course created an opportunity for my ex to try to suck me back in. However, since so much time had passed I could easily spot the red flags this time.

One thing is for sure. My ex has not changed a bit! Even though with flattering and trying to say the right things, I noticed these were just empty words without meaning behind them. My Ex clearly didn't understand the actions that made me leave. I was even presented with the reason my ex thought I left... .  It was MILES of the target. I was almost stunned at the lack of insight.

Conclusion: no, they don't change. I didn't see the slightest of understanding. It was really scary to come to the conclusion that there is a big part of logic that is totally abscent. In other word, my ex will re-experience the drama relationship over and over and over again. What a waste of time

[draft]

Lol, I broke up with my ex last fall and had strict No Contact until recently.

In the beginning, I was so upset that I felt nothing but anger about how I was treated. Eventually after a month or so, The anger went away and I started to ruminate over things in the relationship and how my ex could treat me so poorly.

Due to some very special circumstances, my ex reached out and I responded. This of course created an opportunity for my ex to try to suck me back in. However, since so much time had passed I could easily spot the red flags this time.

One thing is for sure. My ex has not changed a bit! Even though with flattering and trying to say the right things, I noticed these were just empty words without meaning behind them. My Ex clearly didn't understand the actions that made me leave. I was even presented with the reason my ex thought I left... .  It was MILES of the target. I was almost stunned at the lack of insight.

Conclusion: no, they don't change. I didn't see the slightest of understanding. It was really scary to come to the conclusion that there is a big part of logic that is totally abscent. In other word, my ex will re-experience the drama relationship over and over and over again. What a waste of time

[HarmKrakow]

Lol, I broke up with my ex last fall and had strict No Contact until recently.

In the beginning, I was so upset that I felt nothing but anger about how I was treated. Eventually after a month or so, The anger went away and I started to ruminate over things in the relationship and how my ex could treat me so poorly.

Due to some very special circumstances, my ex reached out and I responded. This of course created an opportunity for my ex to try to suck me back in. However, since so much time had passed I could easily spot the red flags this time.

One thing is for sure. My ex has not changed a bit! Even though with flattering and trying to say the right things, I noticed these were just empty words without meaning behind them. My Ex clearly didn't understand the actions that made me leave. I was even presented with the reason my ex thought I left... .  It was MILES of the target. I was almost stunned at the lack of insight.

Conclusion: no, they don't change. I didn't see the slightest of understanding. It was really scary to come to the conclusion that there is a big part of logic that is totally abscent. In other word, my ex will re-experience the drama relationship over and over and over again. What a waste of time

What was your main reason to leave? And what was your ex's answer?

[Whitefang]

Short answer: hell no they don't change.   Time heals no wounds for them, distance makes them colder & if they're stuck on an emotion/triggered psychosis "inspired" by you, it doesn't change either.   With BPD often described as having lots of emotions flip on/off in their brains at any moment, it's almost contradictory they can hold onto anger, resentment, contempt, or grudges so long.   

[slimmiller]

I am convinced that the part of the human mind that processes emotions/logic/empathy and sometimes just plain common human decency, in BPD was somewhere along the line emotionally stunted and will never fully develop (grow up). We expect them to treat us as we do them but truth is, they are not capable. Thats the reason they continue to mire and wallow in the misery they are in. Sad because in that state how can one ever feel true deep feelings of any kind?

[j4c]

With BPD often described as having lots of emotions flip on/off in their brains at any moment, it's almost contradictory they can hold onto anger, resentment, contempt, or grudges so long.   [/quote]
How bloody true! BPD really is a contradictory disorder. I honestly spent the first 6 months (post break-up) scratching my head!

[MakeItHappen]

Thanks for this posting.

The last few days, for whatever reason have been very hard. I've wanted to reach out for who knows, what reason... .  

Reading your post put it back in perspective!

She will never pay attention to her actions, more so, lack there of and how she treated me. The minute I started to let her know how her "lack of actions" we're, it was over. Ridiculous!

Anyway, thanks for the reminder on why I must stay in the NC zone.

[willy45]

An excellent post.

Last month, my ex wanted to see me and I gave in. I thought she wanted to talk to me about all the mistakes she made and offer some kind of apology or some kind of explanation for her behavior other than just blaming me. She would constantly blame her rages at me on the 'chaos' in our relationship which she claimed was due to me for not committing to her. I would not commit to her because of her rages.

Anyhow, I thought, OK, maybe she has come to some realizations. But no. I offered my version of the relationship and her response was: oh, my bad. She completely didn't realize. I still think she doesn't.

So, the conclusion of that? She still thinks that the problems in our relationship is my fault. She did not learn. She will not learn. She will continue to blame me and think that I was just the wrong person for her (even though she claimed to be desperately in love with me and was the only man she ever met who she wanted to spend her life with). Somehow, I brought out the worst in her. There was no ownership of her behavior. Just continued blame.

And yes. That is scary.

[draft]

What was your main reason to leave? And what was your ex's answer?

Manipulating behaviour and lack of responsability.

Lack of commitment

Think you can figure out what is answer on what.