BPDs Compassion

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Has anyone else notice a COMPLETE LACK of empathy or compassion by their BPD.  Women are generally supposed to be more compassionate and understanding than men.  My exgfBPD almsot never ever showed compassion for me or anyone ever.  As we were breaking up I couldnt help but sob and she just sat there stone faced and couldnt do a thing.  Throughout our whole relationship she never "felt bad" for anyone or anything.

My grandmother who was one of the most important people in my life had passed away at 93.  MY BPD and I were on a break up when this happened and when she found out her reply was "well you must not care that much because werent you out a few days ago"

Almost every time i came to her with a "life problem"  she had a blunt un sympathetic way of dealing with it.

[trampledfoot]

Has anyone else notice a COMPLETE LACK of empathy or compassion by their BPD.  Women are generally supposed to be more compassionate and understanding than men.  My exgfBPD almsot never ever showed compassion for me or anyone ever.  As we were breaking up I couldnt help but sob and she just sat there stone faced and couldnt do a thing.  Throughout our whole relationship she never "felt bad" for anyone or anything.

My grandmother who was one of the most important people in my life had passed away at 93.  MY BPD and I were on a break up when this happened and when she found out her reply was "well you must not care that much because werent you out a few days ago"

Almost every time i came to her with a "life problem"  she had a blunt un sympathetic way of dealing with it.

[mango_flower]

My ex was the opposite - very emotional and compassionate.  She'd get really sad about stories of animals, old people or children suffering.  It would really affect her, and I don't think she was faking that at all, you could tell it was genuine.

As long as it wasn't her own sadness though, she'd bounce back very quickly.

It's a confusing disorder.

[Whitefang]

Trampled... .  So sorry abt your grandma.   Mine was 96.  There seems to be a basic set of "rules/etiquette"  followed by most ppl but a whole different set for BPDs.    The reaction from your ex sounds exactly like what mine would say.   In fact her dad died last yr while we were on the "outs" & i did all i could to lend support & validate what she was going through.   I sympathized, empathize, bent over backwards.   When a similar situation arose later with my mother, I told her.   She said NOTHING.   I inquired.   The response i got was "its no longer my duty.  Find someone else to care".   Luckily some stuff was done to prolong my moms life but damn that response was cold & cruel.   I wanted nothing more no other person on the earth to "comfort" me then besides her.   It became a major turning point in my thinking about BPDex... .  It brought alot to light like, when the chips are down & my world is falling apart (instead of HERS), i truly HAD nobody.   She was unable to drop her swords and all the (to me) stupid stuff btwn us (circular arguments, her selfish needs) when something devastatingly REAL stepped up to take precedence.   

Many prior occasions from stories on the news about tragedies or whatever, her attitude was always like "well sucks to be them".   Drove me crazy!   So my opinion is if someone makes rude, nonchalant statements so freely, dont expect YOU are immune.   It carries over abt  &  builds til the BPD finally erupts by expressing everything they've always "hated" abt you but held back out of "decency".   

I'm sure most of us could garner more sympathy or empathy from strangers on the Internet than a pwPDs, whether we're "involved" with them or not!   

I, for one, am very sorry for anybody who loses a loved one for any reason bc i UNDERSTAND what it feels like.   Its a common experience among "normal" society.   You are not alone.

[HarmKrakow]

BPDers don't have empathy nor compassion.

I even remember after a while my ex accusing me of not having empathy and not understanding her, what a brainwire malfunctioning.

[slimmiller]

Sorry to hear about Grandma :'(


Mine balled her eyes out for days because her best friend that she 'pushed' away 'left' her. (although the best friend was merely pointing out that it was NOT okay for her to have me sleep on the couch while she was out having an affair). I had never seen her so convincingly broken.

But a few years ago, while working nights, I slid my car in the ditch on the way to work. While I crawled out and  was collecting my composure the first thing I did was call her and merely to let her know I was okay and could she look up a towing company online for me. Five seconds of complete dead silence on her end, then she launched into a tirade

Her, 'John'

Me, 'Yes'

Her, ' You have a college degree, you are a grownup, I think you are capable of finding a towing company to get your car out'... .  yada yada. I was flabbergasted.

She was watching a movie at the time with her mother.

[wuzdownandgetnbetter]

Almost every time i came to her with a "life problem"  she had a blunt un sympathetic way of dealing with it.

Many many times.  Then would go on about her woes.  Blunt and down right rude behavior for sure.

[LoveNotWar]

My ex could NOT feel empathy, sympathy or compassion for another person.

Every one of his emotions were filtered through the impact it had on him. Period.

So, when his dog was hurt it was all about how he felt. He was crying because he couldn't protect her from this injury. I took that to mean he felt bad for letting his dog down and not protecting her but over time I came to realize what that really met was that he came upon a situation he could not control and he felt bad.

It was never about how his dog felt, it was about how HE felt!

So I was fooled by some behavior that LOOKED like Compassion but I didn't dig deeper to figure out the WHY of the behavior.

Every behavior has a function... .  a reason... .  for my ex the reason literally ALWAYS came down to him getting something, feeling better about himself, controlling me so I would give him what he wanted etc. even that socially acceptable "charming" behavior was to draw and hold people. I'm not saying this is bad or good, it was just the reality with my ex.

[trampledfoot]

This has been a very good thread I think.  I feel like most of us know what it is like to look into our S/Os eyes and just want to see love, compassion, empathy, SOMETHING and just see emptinesss. The sight of it iss burned into my brain were i would bring up important things to me to here or troubles that I had and just get nothing at all.  It is probably one of the worst feelings that you can have by someone you love.  If I had a hard day at work or anything it was always tunred into something else or "suck it up"  or "at least you have a good job".  I am not one to complain about a lot of things but with an S/O i think we all wan that shoulder to lean on here and there and I feel like mine was hardly ever there. 

[tailspin]

trampledfoot  ''

Compassion isn't possible if all your energy is directed towards making sense of a life that makes no sense.  The anxiety, emptiness and distress of a mentally ill mind does not have the capacity for compassion in the way you and I know it.  We cannot imagine not caring about others.  But your ex did care about you... .  it just wasn't possible for her to experience this sensation for any measurable amount of time.

BPD is characterized by an inability to sustain any emotion; it is about emotional instability. These people are human and experience the full range of the same emotions we do.

My ex wasn't able to understand any emotion that I experienced unless he felt it too; he saw me as an extention of himself and couldn't understand why I didn't feel exactly the same way as he did at that very moment.  This is truly maddening because he was never there when I needed him but I was always there for him.  Yet I stayed in the relationship.

I now know and understand why he was ambivilent and showed little compassion... .  and I'm exploring why this was ever good enough for me.  

tailspin

[Take2]

Has anyone else notice a COMPLETE LACK of empathy or compassion by their BPD.  Women are generally supposed to be more compassionate and understanding than men.  My exgfBPD almsot never ever showed compassion for me or anyone ever.  As we were breaking up I couldnt help but sob and she just sat there stone faced and couldnt do a thing.  Throughout our whole relationship she never "felt bad" for anyone or anything.

My grandmother who was one of the most important people in my life had passed away at 93.  MY BPD and I were on a break up when this happened and when she found out her reply was "well you must not care that much because werent you out a few days ago"

Almost every time i came to her with a "life problem"  she had a blunt un sympathetic way of dealing with it.

Absolutely understand this... .     my dad, who had been living with me for the last two years and had fallen last June and broken his shoulder, required hospitalization, emergency surgery, etc - never came home as he went into a rehab for three months, then assisted living because even though it was his shoulder, he never walked again.

I took care of everything - as my mom passed away 10 years ago and my sister lives 1500 miles away.  I have a small child.  And a very very stressful job. 

And then my dad passed away in mid-December... .     after having gotten very ill in November and then not getting better through another hospitalization.

My point is explaining all that... .    is that my on/off ex - continued the push and pull with me throughout - constantly accusing me of crazy things I wasn't doing.  Breaking up with me at the times I needed him most.

And the day I was called from work to my dad's bedside because he had entered the

"active dying" phase... .    I was a MESS.  I wanted my ex to be with me that night... .  

but he refused.   He not only refused... .  he went on a date... .    but he also felt compelled to call me beforehand to tell me how wrong it was that I wanted him there.

And then yell (literally) at me after his date (over the phone) that I was not his GF, had no right to expect to treated like one, etc etc etc... .   

Empathy?  NONE.   

Nothing is more clear than that.

That I have continued the "dance" with him after that night?  Only because it was absolutely devastating to lose the two most important men in my life at the same time.

I simply couldn't handle it.

Tonight begins yet one more time to go NC... .   

many many reasons why since that night... .  but none so clear to me... .  

[jp77]

When I got sick with stomach issues and ended up in the ER, my BPDexgf and I had been having tension in our relationship because she wanted to get married and I wasn't sure yet. She came to visit me in the ER, and when my parents left the room, she said "I hope you didn't make me come all the way here to visit you just as your girlfriend... .  " and then she looked very intently at me. At the time, I didn't realize the full implications of this statement, but later this event kept replaying in my head. And what I came to realize, which was so horribly hurtful, was that the relationship games and the "getting me to be with her" took priority over everything, including me being in the hospital. And it felt like a nightmare to me - this girl, who I was about to marry, cared more about me committing to her than she did about me.

A horrible truth to have woken up to, and it seems almost impossible to me. I couldn't imagine truly loving someone and not being torn up about them being in the ER, and instead focusing on my happiness at the time. This behavior is abnormal, right? Because I've been starting to question whether everyone ultimately is just this selfish, and whether there is real caring in the world... .  

[ScotisGone74]

I don't believe they are capable of true compassion, they only feign it during the idealization stage in an attempt to get close to you.  It is sad really to live your entire life probably not knowing what it really is to have and give to others. 

[Take2]

I couldn't imagine truly loving someone and not being torn up about them being in the ER, and instead focusing on my happiness at the time. This behavior is abnormal, right? Because I've been starting to question whether everyone ultimately is just this selfish, and whether there is real caring in the world... .  

JP77... .  NO this isn't normal behavior... .     someone who loves you will not be thinking about marriage right at that moment when your health is on the line.  Someone who loves you and supports you will want you to be happy and healthy - and then worry about the commitment and marriage stuff later.  Despite how it feels to me too that the rest of the world could potentially have this horrible disorder, I know that's not remotely true... .   

Know that you deserve love and support every day... .  not just the ER days... .    and it sadly seems to me that someone with BPD likely won't ever understand how to give that to us... .  

[jp77]

JP77... .  NO this isn't normal behavior... .     someone who loves you will not be thinking about marriage right at that moment when your health is on the line.  Someone who loves you and supports you will want you to be happy and healthy - and then worry about the commitment and marriage stuff later.  Despite how it feels to me too that the rest of the world could potentially have this horrible disorder, I know that's not remotely true... .   

Know that you deserve love and support every day... .  not just the ER days... .    and it sadly seems to me that someone with BPD likely won't ever understand how to give that to us... .  

Thanks so much Take2, I really appreciate it.

I was looking through your story, and I was struck by the fact that though our stories are very different, I felt a lot of the same things that you described. My ex threatened to break up with me 1 week after I was out of the hospital, if I didn't agree to marry her right away. I felt so sick in every way that I clung to her, because I couldn't imagine losing her while I was feeling so weak. But I felt like I was betraying myself, since I knew that what was happening was horrible. It felt like I was caught between a rock and a hard place - agree to marry her even though I didn't feel it was right, or let her walk out on me when I needed her the most. During the breakup 2 months later, when I told her how much this episode hurt me, she said "How could you have taken my threat seriously? You should have called my bluff, I was never really going to break up with you."

[HarmKrakow]

JP77... .  NO this isn't normal behavior... .     someone who loves you will not be thinking about marriage right at that moment when your health is on the line.  Someone who loves you and supports you will want you to be happy and healthy - and then worry about the commitment and marriage stuff later.  Despite how it feels to me too that the rest of the world could potentially have this horrible disorder, I know that's not remotely true... .   

Know that you deserve love and support every day... .  not just the ER days... .    and it sadly seems to me that someone with BPD likely won't ever understand how to give that to us... .  

Thanks so much Take2, I really appreciate it.

I was looking through your story, and I was struck by the fact that though our stories are very different, I felt a lot of the same things that you described. My ex threatened to break up with me 1 week after I was out of the hospital, if I didn't agree to marry her right away. I felt so sick in every way that I clung to her, because I couldn't imagine losing her while I was feeling so weak. But I felt like I was betraying myself, since I knew that what was happening was horrible. It felt like I was caught between a rock and a hard place - agree to marry her even though I didn't feel it was right, or let her walk out on me when I needed her the most. During the breakup 2 months later, when I told her how much this episode hurt me, she said "How could you have taken my threat seriously? You should have called my bluff, I was never really going to break up with you."

That final comment you wrote makes me sick to my stomach

[jp77]

Yeah, I mean I think my ex's comment betrays a certain worldview that we're all having problems adjusting to, which is that pwBPD feel that Love is a war, in which all tactics are acceptable. And we don't feel that way. I think that when you really care about someone, their well-being is your priority. War is the last thing you'd want. But some people are just so hurt that they can't imagine life without war or pain. The difficult thing for me post-breakup, was that I was feeling like her worldview was rubbing off on me. But the more time has passed, the more I realize that she's wrong - love does not have to be a war. It can be 2 people wanting what's best for each other, and caring for each other. Hopefully after I recover more thoroughly from this experience, I will be able to find a relationship like that... .  

[v123uf4]

I was having some health issues and my doctor thought I had Fibromyalgia. I brought home the pamphlets from the doctor and showed them to my ex. He said he wasn't going to read them because there was nothing wrong with me, I was just trying to get out of mowing the lawn. I never felt so alone... .  and I was ashamed to tell friends and family about it because I couldn't tell them I had absolutely no support from my husband.

I ended up not having Fibromyalgia. Most of my unexplained health issues went away after I got divorced

[slimmiller]

tailspin and take2, reading your posts was very enlightening. It was an aha moment.

I love all the comments here. Even though BPD is not new to me (sadly I have been exposed to it for 13 years and only starting to understand what it is for about two years now) I am still learning so much about it. Guess I am at a point where I ask myself is there really anything more that can shock me about it...

vulcanex, I have had symptons of MS for almost a year now and was sent overseas by my employer the first of November for a week and only noticed the symptons coming back the closer I got to back home. Am really noticing now as I put distance between me and her its getting better... .  

[haliewa1]

What is amazing to me is that my exBPDgf is truly loved by many of her peers and friends.  I have heard her say some of the most hateful things about service people, others she knows personally and the identification of mistakes made by some of the kindest people in her life spouting that they didn't try hard enough to succeed in pleasing her!  If the folks that like her had heard any of this, they wouldn't engage her at all!  She will bend over backwards for this group of friends that think she's great because she's been careful with them and doesn't see them all the time (she lives in another city). 

It's an amazing web of management that cannot be easy to orchestrate.  Anyone else have a similar experience?

[v123uf4]

haliewa1,

My ex was absolutely charming around people he wasn't around all of the time. Since my family lives in another city and we only saw them a few times a year, they never saw a single sign of BPD. They were in total disbelief when I told them what was going on. People he worked with saw it and dealt with it every day.

[v123uf4]

slimmiller,

My doctors originally thought I could have MS because the symptoms were there, but none of the medical tests supported it. That was when they thought it could be Fibromyalgia.  It is amazing how being emotionally beaten down day after day for years can affect your health!

[Take2]

Wow ... .  MS symptoms... .  ?    Stress truly can do insane things to us.

I am so glad you both are feeling better at this point... .  

It really feels so raw to read our posts about what we have felt and gone thru even as our stories are different... .   

I bought Walking on Eggshells today.

A woman in the store saw me holding  the book and said its a very good book.

Then she looked at me and said "if you are reading it that means you are probably in a very hard place "

It was all I could do to acknowledge it and turn away before bursting into tears.

I wanted so badly to hug this stranger who had such compassion in her eyes but I had to turn away BC I had my 5 year old with me and needed to keep it together.

If I didn't have my daughter... .  some times I might not even get out of bed... .  

[v123uf4]

Take2,

Sending you a big virtual hug! It is a pretty powerful thing to connect with someone else who understands what you are going through.