Does this make sense? Re: Potential Cycles of Abuse

[willy45]

She claimed that her rages and emotional outbursts were caused by the instability in our relationship. As time went on, her rages and outbursts got worse and worse. She claimed they were getting worse and worse because our relationship continued to be long-distance (the fact that I kept it long distance because she would constantly rage at me was never really on her radar as her behavior never got better... .  it only got worse). Regardless, I bought into her explanation that things got worse because I was continually not committing to her.

But here is an alternate version. Maybe this version is more closer to the truth. Maybe her rages and emotional outbursts were made worse because I STOPPED TAKING THE BLAME. I STOPPED TAKING IT. I STARTED TO FIGHT BACK. I would lay down my boundaries. I would tell her that her behavior wasn't OK. I would leave the room if she even started to go down that path. I would tell her that my thoughts mattered, that I didn't have to explain things 5 or 6 times if there was something I didn't want to do. I STARTED STANDING UP FOR MYSELF. I continued to keep it long distance instead of breaking up with her because of the belief that I was causing her behavior by not committing to her.

Now, I've been looking at all this stuff about abuse and emotionally abusive people. I have been reading that if the tactics of guilt, gas lighting, crazy-making that were successful stop to work, then new tactics emerge. The guilt, gas-lighting, crazy making gets stronger. They get worse. They get more outrageous. The rages get worse. The anger gets worse. The intensity INCREASES.

Maybe, maybe that is the answer. It wasn't because I was less and less committed. It wasn't because of the chaos that I created through our continued long-distance which was my reaction to her abusive behavior. It was because I started to stand up for myself. I started to fight back. I started to say no. I stared to tell her I wasn't going to be affected anymore. I told her I wasn't going to participate in the dance anymore. I stopped caring. I let her scream and yell. I wouldn't try to engage. I stopped really trying to argue with her. I would just go numb. I would let it wash over me. I would detach. And her rages got worse and worse and worse. I would start to respond in a measured tone. I would't yell back. I would just ignore. I would leave. I would go back to my home in another country. Maybe she could tell her strategies weren't working anymore. So, instead of being nice to me, she had to raise the bar. And she kept raising it and raising it. And my reaction was to get more and more detached to the point where I literally told her to F*CK OFF.

Anyhow, does this new explanation of the increased abuse make sense? Should this be the way I view it? Not as my fault. Not as my causing it. But as an escalation of abusive tactics because I stopped buying it as my fault.

And, if this is true, then my moving down there would have increased the abuse even further because I had already started seeing it as abusive? And I would have started to stand up for myself even more? Maybe if I had moved down, it would have been a whole new level of abuse. It would have been a whole new power struggle with increased abuse and increased tactics. It would have escalated. I would have had way more invested. And I would have fought back harder. I would have had to put up more boundaries and fight to keep them which would have been met with increased abuse. An increased intensity of anger and rage. Maybe it would have gotten very dangerous?

I probably would have fallen into an incredible depression (EVEN GREATER THAN THE ONE I AM IN NOW). I would not have had a way out. I would have been trapped. Maybe that is what I was keeping myself from. Maybe I wasn't keeping myself from this amazing dream that I keep thinking I lost out on. Maybe I was protecting myself from the truth. The scary, scary truth that any further interaction with this woman would have completely destroyed me.

Thoughts?

[Rose Tiger]

I think you are on to something, that moving closer would not of solved the basic problems.

I remember the ex saying "my anger is a guy thing" and I thought, did not say, but thought "nope, it's an abusive person thing".  Where our part comes in is figuring out why we continued relationship with an abusive partner. 

Have you read these articles, they explain it really well.

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

The Mystery of Loving an Abuser

[willy45]

Yes. These articles are right on the money. I have read them before. Many times. My T says that this is a process. That I will go back and forth on this, believing it and not believing it until it finally clicks in. I have kept thinking or remained in the delusion that things could have been amazing if I committed to her, that I am now depressed and hating my life as a result of not committing to her. That the pain I feel now would have not been present had I committed to her.

But, the reality of it all, is that this is a delusion. This is a delusion that kept me in the relationship. The things I miss about her are not real. Well, I miss her physically. That is pretty much it. The rest was abusive. I spent years trying to calm her down, walking around the eggshells, trying to manage her emotions so that I could get access to her physical side, her warm caring side, her funny side... .  to the love stage.

But really, she was abusive towards me. My moving down with her would have been totally and completely devastating. I would have spent my life managing her emotions, managing her well-being, constantly struggling to make her happy to my own determinant. I would have ended up a shell of a person. I would have been even more addicted to her.

I can't wait until this process is over and I have built a solid enough foundation in this truth that I can move on and be happy that she is out of my life.

[Rose Tiger]

I know, I wish so much there had been a way to excise the abusive part of ex.  Then everything would of been hunky dory.  Except the abusive part was the main part of his core personality and his coping mechanisms.  He would use an ecollar on his dog, if the dog stepped out of line 'ZAP".  That dog would shake when ex started getting angry over anything.  He told me that I should get an ecollar for my dog.  No thank you!  And I realized, dang it, he ecollars everyone around him  Step out of line... .  ZAP.

I train my dog with high value treats.  He smiles at me and is so happy!  And he obeys my commands because good things happen when he does.  That's the kind of partner I want, Honey you are so wonderful, here is a prezzie!  Ok, I can dream, can't I?