Re: Do BPD people shy away from foreplay?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

That's also why I felt like I was just a rebound.

I also felt like she only had sex so she could feel better.

I always felt like I couldn't freely touch her or we couldn't have real spontaneous sex

[fakename]

That's also why I felt like I was just a rebound.

I also felt like she only had sex so she could feel better.

I always felt like I couldn't freely touch her or we couldn't have real spontaneous sex

[fakename]

i'm wondering cause my ex was never into foreplay. it seemed like sex for more a task and way to control me.

we never had any real spontaneous sex, and afterwards there was nothing romantic, just getting up, cleaning up and getting dressed.

i'm curious as to whether most of them are like this? or maybe she was just like this with me?

these are some reasons why i thought i was just a rebound

[apple]

That sounds about right from what I experienced.   My udBPDexw always had intimacy issues and swore that she was never abused as a child and said " she didn't know why"

sex was a means of control and she would always say

" I don't feel like I am a good wife"

[daze]

Can't speak for BPD females, but my uBPDh loves kissing and foreplay.

[LoveNotWar]

So my exBPDh loved foreplay and was... .  I can't believe I'm saying this... .  very exciting. If I'm going to be honest with myself it was probably one of the reasons I felt attached to him and our r/s.

Guess I can be a little shallow... .  

[Vegasskydiver]

Mine loved foreplay, but then he pretty mutch had a ritual.  While I felt very close during the love making, he always jumped up and got dressed.  He had a difficult time just relaxing and enjoying the moment.  He always had so much that he needed to do... .  he had terrible OCD, PTSD and NPD along with BPD.  The whole shabang!  

[Mike_confused]

Been there.   Similar experience.

[screwedovr]

My exBPDw never wanted foreplay, seems like BPD men like it and BPD women don't.

[GreenMango]

i'm curious as to whether most of them are like this? or maybe she was just like this with me?

I'm guessing there are plenty of people who don't have BPD that don't like foreplay, and there are plenty that do.  It's looking like a mixed bag here.  And probably some with BPD that like it and some that don't. 

Intimacy - one of the BPD criteria - includes emotional and physical.  It can be where they are ok with physical intimacy but not emotional.  Ok with emotional intimacy but not physical.  Or they could not be ok with either.  When someone struggles with intimacy it happens with most people they are involved with.  It's not necessarily you, you touch that wound a bit getting too close. 

Fakename did you notice problems in the other intimacy areas? 

[GreenMango]

sex was a means of control

Like manipulative control?  Or control in a sense the push-pull to control the anxieties/fears of intimacy?

[Iced]

I was intimate before with someone who had/has BPD (I never knew at the beginning and neither did they, but they did see a therapist during that time and have since seen improvement and are more stable now!) and well... .  they sure loved foreplay as far as I remember!  

The physical intimacy was incredible and - both physically and the sense of being very intimately close otherwise and it was during times like those that I definitely can see people going, "There's no way in hell this person doesn't care for me and love me!"

Which actually brings me to a related question:

If this person was self-aware - or rather, learning self-awareness since they were undergoing therapy - would this make a difference to the experience as a whole?  (In this case, talking about physical intimacy.)  

If they asked things like, "Would you rather ABC or XYZ?" or ":)o you like it when I do 123?" would this be a sign of actual consideration for someone or would this be simply a matter of control?

One of the biggest differences between this person and the former friend is the fact that where my former friend insisted that they were self-aware... .  and yet completely failed in actual realization and absolutely refused to talk in an honest manner, my ex-lover - when presented with the same sort of, "Let's talk about this" scenario - would talk and though they got upset, would still talk and at least try to explain their thoughts and feelings.

In the end, things became too much for us both (in my case, my boundaries failed and I allowed myself to be attached in an unhealthy manner and they took advantage of it), but unlike my former friend, my ex-lover apologized for the things they owned up to and fully respected the NC.

Speaking with mutual friends also revealed that apparently, despite things ending, my ex-lover still harbored positive feelings and said little in terms of negativity where my former friend did their best to launch smear campaigns against me and, to this date, still stalks me and I have maintained strict NC with both of them... .  with the NC with my ex-lover being the longer of the two (and the most peaceful).

[fakename]

@greenmango,

thanks for writing.

im not sure if i saw problems in other intimacy areas. i always felt like things were improving in that i would learn how to deal and understand her better, and right when i thought we were about to make a big step in our r/s, she would do something to damage it.  we spent a lot of time cuddling and me massaging her and me helping her around her apartment.

she would always talk about wanting a family and living together (one time we almost moved in together but then she broke up with me)

i would give her a lot of attention and comfort her all the time. at restaurants we would sit next to each other rather than across from each other and always held hands or i had my hand massaging her thigh while eating or just sitting there.  even in the movie theatres i would give her nonstop foot and head massages for the entire 2 hours or however long the movie was.  i feel like there was that level of intimacy, but it was really about me doing it for her and never reciprocated.

i dont know if this answers your question, its tough for me to think about the intimacy between us, because i dont feel like my needs were ever met. i am beginning to see how EVERYTHING revolved around her and her needs. we only did things she wanted to do, watched what she wanted to, etc. when i wanted to do something like go ice-skating she would always say she wasnt feeling well.

im not sure if it was manipulative control or push-pull to control the anxieties/fears of intimacy.  in our r/s she was always working to get over her exes. (she was involved with 2 relationships before me, and after our year long break up)... .  she would always say she wasnt ready for sex, which i understood, but it got to the point that i said then why do you keep begging me to come back if youre not ready, why dont you just wait til you're over them so we can have a full r/s.  after our many breakups (either a couple days long or a week long), i would offer different things like i can just be friends and we can just talk over phone or email but no meeting in person (that wasnt enough for her), or we can meet in person but no physical contact (she would still push to cuddle or say she was in pain so i'd massage her, but no sex) and i just dont think her actions are what a normal person would do. i feel like she would want the affection and support of a r/s (also being on call 24/7) but not give me the benefits of a r/s of having sex... .  

i also couldnt understand how she can say she's not ready for sex with me, but then have no problem going out and dating and even having sex with her new and current bf so quickly.

also, we would both kiss and hold hands or touch each other often. but she would often say we need to learn how to kiss each other (i always felt that our kiss lacked passions that i've found in other kisses, i always felt like i didn't know how to kiss her)



all of the above is what makes me confirm that i was just a rebound and only saw me as someone who would easily fill her emotional needs no matter what and without any complaints or struggle from her part and she only had to do so much cause she knew i loved her and she already had her hooks in me.  meanwhile she would put in more effort to try to make thigns work with others, even her new dates... .  

she didnt actually want to be with me, just help her heal her wounds...

not sure if that answers your questions, but thats really the only way i know how to answer them...

[blecker]

Great sex is the epitomy of sharing.

Borderline Personality Disorder finds that concept unatainable.

Sex, in the disorder, is a tool, a trade, a vent, or a vehicle.   

[cal644]

I never thought of that - my wife hated foreplay - always got up and dressed as soon as we were done - always said "it's just sex" - and considered it her "wifely duty"