I just need to vent

[LuckyNinja]

First off my mother is uBPD. Also, I think there will be triggers in this post.

I  got out of the military Jan.1, 2013 and was going to start college Jan.7. On Jan 4th my mother OD's. When I called the hospital and asked what drug it was, the nurse was like, "What wasn't it?". I had to drop out of all my classes and travel across the country because she was in the ICU and I really thought she was going to die.

I'm 25 and I had to start preparing funeral arrangements estate management with my 20 and 17 year old brothers. It was really traumatizing for the 20yrold.

Well, she didn't end up dying, but now she's worst then ever! She doesn't care that I had to drop out of college. She doesn't care that my youngest brother ended up having to live with his friends because she is super nuts. Literally! She called the cops to make him come home. The cops came to her place and basically told her that my brother had a better chance at life as a "runaway" and that it would be cruel to bring him back to her. (the family he's staying with is very kind and responsible ).

I stayed up north for a week and then had to go back home. Not a week later, she was in the hospital again. She keeps messing herself up, but she honestly thinks that this is happening because the hospital is out to get her. And I'm out to get her. And my brothers and my aunts are out to get her. Basically, everybody who doesn't approve of her misbehavior is out to get her.

She got out of the hospital and was suppose to go to some sort of county run therapy. She refuses to go to rehab, because of course rehab is  out to get her. Also, she says she's not addicted to anything and she can stop whenever she feels like it, but she also says she's been getting high since she was eleven. She also, told me that she's 52 years old and can do what ever she feels like, but if I don't "help" her and tell her what to do then I'm a "Cold hearted btch".

She always complains about money, but where is she getting drug money? She always complains about high blood pressure, but cocaine will do that to you.

I am starting college  full time in three days, but I just found out that she OD'ed again! It hasn't even been 90 days! I know it's petty to think this way, but I've been looking forward to  college for years. I feel like she's ruining everything. And not just for me, for everybody! These are suppose to be fun years for my little brother, but now he has to grow up. And he's such a sweet kid... .  

The super crazy thing about all this is that her OD'ed druggie behavior mirrors her sober behavior. She mean, splitting, paranoid and inappropriate. The only difference now is that she's treating everybody as poorly as she has treated me my entire life.

The only good thing that's come of this how ordeal is validation from my relatives. They really feel sorry for my brothers and myself for having to grow up with her.

Thanks for "listening". I know my thoughts are scattered all over the place, but that's the nature of the beast.

[pessim-optimist]

Hi LuckyNinja,

I'm so sorry you are going through this!

It is always so hard when we feel like we cannot live our lives and have them interrupted or messed up by our parents! It is the nature of BPD. And we are so well trained to jump to their help, that it often is a reflex... .  

But we resent it, because it truly shouldn't be our responsibility to take care of them.

We are here for you, to listen to you and to try to offer some comfort that you so need!

I normally post on the board of supporting your children with BPD, but I also have a uBPD mother, and so I visit here sometimes.

It's good to hear that you are going forward with your college. You know, it should be the best time of your life, and with some help, it still might!

It looks like your mother is going through a rough time for whatever reason, and it's affecting you and your siblings. It is not fair, but it is what it is... .  I think it is important for you to sort our what is your responsibility and what isn't. And then, what you can and truly want to do about it. Just because there is pressure on you to do something doesn't mean you have to do it.

First and foremost, take good care of yourself, relax enough, sleep enough, eat enough, and try to keep your own life on track.

Then, if you have the energy left over, how can you emotionally support your siblings?

As far as your mother, you don't have an obligation to her, she is an adult and she can be expected to take care of herself and or face the consequences of her actions... .  I know it is easier said than done, and often that is the hardest thing for us children to realize and stand our ground when we are being pulled down into their chaos... .  

Have you read some books on how to deal with our parents/loved ones with BPD?

How do you think you can take care of your needs, and validate your mother's experience without taking responsibility for her life and without trying to rescue her?

Take good care of yourself, and keep posting... .  this is a good place to get some much needed support.

[GeekyGirl]

Hey LuckyNinja,

That does sound like a tough situation--I don't blame you for being frustrated. Being on the other side of the country and starting school makes it tough to be able to care for your mother, and I'm sure that getting the call that she ODed was very upsetting.

It's good that you're getting validation from your family. Are any of them able to help in this situation and try to get her into treatment? How are your brothers doing with all of this? I can see why you're worried about your 17 year old brother in particular.

I'm also glad to hear that you're starting college. That's a great thing that you can do for yourself and it sounds like this is something you've wanted to do for quite a while.  While I know that it's hard to disconnect from your mother and brothers, it's important that you take care of yourself and pursue your education.

pessim-optimist asks a good question: how can you take care of your needs without taking responsibility for your mother's actions?

Hang in there and good luck as you begin your classes!