I'm scared of the world

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is going to sound a bit melodramatic and I apologise in advance.  I'm trying to just put my feelings down.

I never knew such dark existed. I knew there was evil, e.g. serial killers, but few and far between.  I thought that 99% of the world was good.

I am not saying BPD people are evil - far from it.  But they have such darkness, such pain, such torment... .  yet they walk in between us and are part of our lives.

It's left me fearful of the world, knowing that there is such pain and suffering out there, and it can, by osmosis, seep into other people's lives.

I feel like I see BPD everywhere I go now.  I don't trust people.  Only a select few who I have known for many many years.

A new girl at my sports club asked me if I knew of houseshares.  I emailed her a website.  She asked if I'd be able to go look at any with her, as she's new to the area and doesn't know many people yet, nor does she knows what's a good or bad area of town.  Before, I'd have done it no problem.  I like to help.  Now, I see it as a red flag ("Oh, she is playing the victim, needing helping, doesn't know anyone else, looking for me to help".

I don't want to feel like this.

I feel suddenly like the world is a dark and scary place.  The people here help, make me realise there is some sanity after all.

Even though I am not ready to date yet, I know this has damaged me in some way.  I trusted my ex with my life.  I "knew" she'd never leave me.  How can I trust again?  People say "You will" and "not everyone is out to get you". But my guard is up.  And if anyone ever tries to break it down, I will assume that they are doing what my ex did - get in deep, break down my walls, just to hurt me.

I'm a strong, independent person who has travelled for 9 months alone.  I used to trust anyone and everyone.  Even though I had high barriers in place about ME, I got close to people in my own way. Now I'm scared I will never let anyone new in.

I'm scared I am now irreparably damaged.

[mango_flower]

This is going to sound a bit melodramatic and I apologise in advance.  I'm trying to just put my feelings down.

I never knew such dark existed. I knew there was evil, e.g. serial killers, but few and far between.  I thought that 99% of the world was good.

I am not saying BPD people are evil - far from it.  But they have such darkness, such pain, such torment... .  yet they walk in between us and are part of our lives.

It's left me fearful of the world, knowing that there is such pain and suffering out there, and it can, by osmosis, seep into other people's lives.

I feel like I see BPD everywhere I go now.  I don't trust people.  Only a select few who I have known for many many years.

A new girl at my sports club asked me if I knew of houseshares.  I emailed her a website.  She asked if I'd be able to go look at any with her, as she's new to the area and doesn't know many people yet, nor does she knows what's a good or bad area of town.  Before, I'd have done it no problem.  I like to help.  Now, I see it as a red flag ("Oh, she is playing the victim, needing helping, doesn't know anyone else, looking for me to help".

I don't want to feel like this.

I feel suddenly like the world is a dark and scary place.  The people here help, make me realise there is some sanity after all.

Even though I am not ready to date yet, I know this has damaged me in some way.  I trusted my ex with my life.  I "knew" she'd never leave me.  How can I trust again?  People say "You will" and "not everyone is out to get you". But my guard is up.  And if anyone ever tries to break it down, I will assume that they are doing what my ex did - get in deep, break down my walls, just to hurt me.

I'm a strong, independent person who has travelled for 9 months alone.  I used to trust anyone and everyone.  Even though I had high barriers in place about ME, I got close to people in my own way. Now I'm scared I will never let anyone new in.

I'm scared I am now irreparably damaged.

[HarmKrakow]

Dear mangoflower,

I can fully relate to you. I never knew such darkness existed in life. I wonder why life does this to me, and I feel guilty in all the ways that, I am the one to blame for all this, because although (in both our cases, and many others here) we still get agony from the low contact with our BPD exes.

In regards of severity, last Sunday I went so much crying and puking, that Monday morning it took me hours before I was capable of going to work and on Wednesday I had it with life, completely, that I was like, either I end it now, or I go to a GP and seek medicational help because facing the darkness (alone, emptiness, void) was so agonizing that I couldnt get myself out of bed anymore. I still remember the post you mentioned with her getting married, and the mail that you all did wrong. That would be honestly enough for me, to pull the plug. So seriously Mango, you are a strong person. (Werent you the one going to the city of my ex BPD?)

I dont trust people anymore. I feel quite paranoid, and my will to live is non existent, i hope the anti-depri meds are going to help me in the short term.

That fear of being irrepablacable damaged is something I feel familiar to. I wonder whether or not I can actually get my old self back, and yeah, I did feel invincible when I was with her and never thought she would pull the plug so easy, as I never meant anything at all. And when I bring back up good memories, I am being told NOT to do so, as that it's the past and when I cry, she tells me, they are all crocodile tears ... and she tells me I have no idea what I've done to her ...

While now being on anti-depressants, having enough of life, and fighting the battle of loneliness when I hear she's having a good time

[Wooddragon]

I was thinking the exact same thing before opening this page & seeing your post! I am very wary of ppl now - even those I have known for a relatively long time. I see red flags & agendas everywhere & i have to try not to be too judgmental about attitudes & behaviours. I just practice keeping a very neutral stance whilst trying to stay disengaged.

I'm appalled at what I walked into this time 2 yrs ago & the fact that I put up with so much. At the same time, it is a long weekend here - an Indian summer - very balmy at night. I am alone (even when in the company of others it feels) but I imagine him with my replacement - enjoying the end of summer near the beach - him cooking the BBQ & opening the wine. I doubt I will ever trust myself again to accept attention, admiration or whatever - I will always be looking for the agenda & possible dysfunction (apologies for the rambling post - not a good weekend this one... .  )

[jp77]

I think it's normal to feel this way after we've been taken advantage of, in the way that we have.

Now we see danger everywhere, because we let our guard down and were hurt terribly. Even though it's hard to see it now, there's a benefit to this new perspective. We will be a lot more careful about who we decide to trust, because we know that trust can be broken.

But that's a long term lesson. In the short term, I think we just need to focus on rehabilitating ourselves from the pain. Therapy is probably the most useful guide for this, though I've also found medication to be very helpful.

[syz]

Hi mangoflower I decided to join the forum partially in response to some of your posts.  I have been lurking for a few weeks.  I'm also a lesbian so I do understand some of the other added dynamics that can effect our relationships.

Your not trusting anything right now really has to do with you having been thrown for a massive loop where up is down and down is up.  It is a form of gaslighting though with the BPD person it isn't intentional it is self preservational and based on trying to regulate emotions they simply cannot.  It feels manipulative and downright dark, cynical, and even evil in many circumstances.  I'm rather convinced it is much like a downing person shoving you underwater so they can breathe.  

My brush with a BPD woman was rather brief and relatively painless compared to many here, though it has cost me money and time and anguish, I was able to extricate myself and not really take most of it on.  I wasn't in love with her she was a friend I was having a casual relationship with.  However I am a survivor of infidelity in a previous relationship.  I was gaslit for months made to feel crazy and I ended up with PTSD. I was plagued with nightmares and hardly trusted anything around me at all including myself.  I think the key to feel safe again was learning to trust myself and my perceptions again which took some time. About 2.5 years in my case and fully 4.5 years to really be healed.  Once that happened my hyper vigilance abated.  I was able to again interact with the world around me without feeling like I had to draw up hefty boarders around myself to stay safe.  

Give yourself some time.  And disengage as much as possible.  I know it is really hard to be full tilt with someone and have it blow up and then they are presto engaged.  I feel terribly sorry for her new fiance.  Her new relationship has about as much chance of surviving as yours did in the long run.  I know it's hard to consider yourself lucky by any measure but you dodged a bullet though it grazed you and you are severely limping.   It is hard to see the positive in the moment because you are left with all the damage and are in pain.  

[OTH]

I haven't seen any evidence that people with BPD are more likely to be serial killers. Is this coming from your own hurt and anger? I did see your qualifier but really... .  you put it out there.

It is understandable to be so hurt after these r/s. R/s fail all the time though. I've had several. None that hurt me like this one but was that an indicator of where I am weak? What to work on to make better decisions? Are things happening beyong your control or are you just making bad decisions? If he is having this kind of impact on your life what are you going to do differently to change this?

Take care,

OTH

[HarmKrakow]

I haven't seen any evidence that people with BPD are more likely to be serial killers. Is this coming from your own hurt and anger? I did see your qualifier but really... .  you put it out there.

It is understandable to be so hurt after these r/s. R/s fail all the time though. I've had several. None that hurt me like this one but was that an indicator of where I am weak? What to work on to make better decisions? Are things happening beyong your control or are you just making bad decisions? If he is having this kind of impact on your life what are you going to do differently to change this?

Take care,

OTH

How would you rate the difference in pain? X25? X100? And was the pain similar, but just more agony or different pain ( and more agony )

[Clearmind]

Mango, the world is full of all sorts - this was the case before you met your BPD. You now have your eyes wide open most likely for the first time.

Right now your senses are heightened to perceived injustices. In time this will all filter down and your senses will even out. Get to know your boundaries and you feel more than able to protect yourself. Right now you are likely feeling very vulnerable - along with that comes fear.

Work on your fear of being victimized.

[mango_flower]

I still remember the post you mentioned with her getting married, and the mail that you all did wrong. That would be honestly enough for me, to pull the plug. So seriously Mango, you are a strong person. (Werent you the one going to the city of my ex BPD?)

I dont trust people anymore. I feel quite paranoid, and my will to live is non existent, i hope the anti-depri meds are going to help me in the short term.

That fear of being irrepablacable damaged is something I feel familiar to. I wonder whether or not I can actually get my old self back, and yeah, I did feel invincible when I was with her and never thought she would pull the plug so easy, as I never meant anything at all. And when I bring back up good memories, I am being told NOT to do so, as that it's the past and when I cry, she tells me, they are all crocodile tears ... and she tells me I have no idea what I've done to her ...

Yep, I went to Krakow just to get away... .  I highly recommend just randomly booking a trip somewhere with NO memories of your ex - it really helped me for those 4 days at least... .  

I hate what you're going through - I feel your pain in every post and it breaks my heart, because as an outsider, I can see that you do NOT deserve this and it's NOT fair!  I hope every day gets easier for you.  Keep posting.

I see red flags & agendas everywhere

I doubt I will ever trust myself again to accept attention, admiration or whatever - I will always be looking for the agenda & possible dysfunction (apologies for the rambling post - not a good weekend this one... .  )

That's exactly it - like being hyper-aware, like PTSD in a way (I don't mean to play that down, for genuine sufferers!).  So sorry you're going through this pain too xxx

We will be a lot more careful about who we decide to trust, because we know that trust can be broken.

But that's a long term lesson. In the short term, I think we just need to focus on rehabilitating ourselves from the pain. Therapy is probably the most useful guide for this, though I've also found medication to be very helpful.

Yeah that's good I guess we will no longer waste time and energy on people who aren't the real deal... .  but it's hard sussing out who is who. I  can't afford therapy, in a financial mess after being left high and dry by BPD-ex... .  argh!  What medications are out there for this sort of thing - anti-depressants or anti-anxieties?

Hi mangoflower I decided to join the forum partially in response to some of your posts.  I have been lurking for a few weeks.  I'm also a lesbian so I do understand some of the other added dynamics that can effect our relationships.

Your not trusting anything right now really has to do with you having been thrown for a massive loop where up is down and down is up.  It is a form of gaslighting though with the BPD person it isn't intentional it is self preservational and based on trying to regulate emotions they simply cannot.  It feels manipulative and downright dark, cynical, and even evil in many circumstances.  I'm rather convinced it is much like a downing person shoving you underwater so they can breathe.  

My brush with a BPD woman was rather brief and relatively painless compared to many here, though it has cost me money and time and anguish, I was able to extricate myself and not really take most of it on.  I wasn't in love with her she was a friend I was having a casual relationship with.  However I am a survivor of infidelity in a previous relationship.  I was gaslit for months made to feel crazy and I ended up with PTSD. I was plagued with nightmares and hardly trusted anything around me at all including myself.  I think the key to feel safe again was learning to trust myself and my perceptions again which took some time. About 2.5 years in my case and fully 4.5 years to really be healed.  Once that happened my hyper vigilance abated.  I was able to again interact with the world around me without feeling like I had to draw up hefty boarders around myself to stay safe.  

Give yourself some time.  And disengage as much as possible.  I know it is really hard to be full tilt with someone and have it blow up and then they are presto engaged.  I feel terribly sorry for her new fiance.  Her new relationship has about as much chance of surviving as yours did in the long run.  I know it's hard to consider yourself lucky by any measure but you dodged a bullet though it grazed you and you are severely limping.   It is hard to see the positive in the moment because you are left with all the damage and are in pain.  

Awww thanks, I feel special  

It's nice to know that time does heal - but wow, seems to take ages!  I like the bullet analogy And the drowning one too!  

I haven't seen any evidence that people with BPD are more likely to be serial killers. Is this coming from your own hurt and anger? I did see your qualifier but really... .  you put it out there.

It is understandable to be so hurt after these r/s. R/s fail all the time though. I've had several. None that hurt me like this one but was that an indicator of where I am weak? What to work on to make better decisions? Are things happening beyong your control or are you just making bad decisions? If he is having this kind of impact on your life what are you going to do differently to change this?

Take care,

OTH

I didn't say they're more likely to be serial killers... .  I probably didn't word it well - I'm saying, I know there is bad in this world (e.g. serial killers) but it's rare and doesn't affect my life... .  but now I am seeing that there is more bad/pain/dark in the world in the case of BPD as well, in everyday life, not just extreme cases like serial killers, which you are warned about as a child... .  nobody warns you about other "badness" in the world... .  and I am not saying THEY are bad, at all, but some of their actions cause us pain - and nobody ever warned us that some people would do this - hope that makes more sense!  

I honestly don't think I made any bad decisions IN the relationship - apart from maybe letting her set the pace... .  my weakness now is engaging with her when she's being rational (e.g. trying to sort out a bill to transfer to my name) and then allow myself to be drawn into her rant about our relationship and all the bad things I supposedly did!  Ouch.

Mango, the world is full of all sorts - this was the case before you met your BPD. You now have your eyes wide open most likely for the first time.

That is so true - feels like I was living in a happy bubble and saw the good in people but now that bubble has been well and truly burst!  Hmmmm.

Thank you all for your replies x

[jp77]

Yeah that's good I guess we will no longer waste time and energy on people who aren't the real deal... .  but it's hard sussing out who is who. I  can't afford therapy, in a financial mess after being left high and dry by BPD-ex... .  argh!  What medications are out there for this sort of thing - anti-depressants or anti-anxieties?

Sorry to hear about the financial mess - that must be rough to have to deal with that on top of everything else. Yeah, I'm taking an antidepressant. They're effective not only in treating depression, but also anxiety and PTSD. Before I started taking them, I was worried about getting addicted, but I don't see that as much of an issue now. If I have to stay on them for years, no big deal, it's only a pill. And if it's just a short-term solution to tide me over for the next year or so, then I really don't see any good reason not to. Also, at least on my insurance plan, the generic medications are pretty cheap.

[mango_flower]

Yeah that's good I guess we will no longer waste time and energy on people who aren't the real deal... .  but it's hard sussing out who is who. I  can't afford therapy, in a financial mess after being left high and dry by BPD-ex... .  argh!  What medications are out there for this sort of thing - anti-depressants or anti-anxieties?

Sorry to hear about the financial mess - that must be rough to have to deal with that on top of everything else. Yeah, I'm taking an antidepressant. They're effective not only in treating depression, but also anxiety and PTSD. Before I started taking them, I was worried about getting addicted, but I don't see that as much of an issue now. If I have to stay on them for years, no big deal, it's only a pill. And if it's just a short-term solution to tide me over for the next year or so, then I really don't see any good reason not to. Also, at least on my insurance plan, the generic medications are pretty cheap.

I'm in the UK and we have the NHS, so they'd be super cheap.  I'm still a bit wary of getting "labelled" as it were, I get worried these things will come back to haunt me in the future, you have to declare it for jobs etc... .  it's more of a stigma here than in the USA I think, even though it's getting more common

[Newton]

mango_flower... .  I'm also in the UK, I do appreciate your concerns about starting meds... .  I began taking an SSRI as a direct result of the emotional fallout from my rs breakup.  It was not an easy choice but I had a great GP and T who talked with me at length before I chose to... .  

It was the right decision, for me.  The ruminating quietened, my anxiety became manageable and could think much more clearly.  I was fortunate to find a brand with minimal side effects that only lasted a few weeks... .  about the same time it takes the positive aspects of the meds to kick in.  If its something you feel might be beneficial to you and you have faith in your GP (I had two awful ones before my current one), I would suggest talking it through with them and be honest about how much you are struggling.

You would be suprised at how many people are prescribed them... .  and you are correct, the stigma is gradually eroding 

[fakename]

hey mango,

i sort of feel the same way. i'm suspicious of people, i wonder if the next r/s i get into, i'll later find out she has sever mental issues also... .  but there's really no sense of my worrying about stuff like that. we need to stop making excuses, stop feeling sympathy for others more than we do ourselves, stop trying to improve/help others when we need to help ourselves first.

regardless of how the world is, and the next r/s i'm in, i know i will be strong and aware enough mentally that i won't allow myself to be abused again.

we have to move on and let them move on.  it hurts in the beginning, but that pain goes away when we stop thinking we are the ones that can help them, and when we stop thinking about how happy they are now.  i know my r/s with her was only a fake happiness and as i look back at how everything was about her and her needs and her agenda, it allows me to be realistic and detach.  even if i cant find another r/s i dont care, i dont need anyone else, i just need myself, and i can only attain that mentality if i spend this time improving myself now. alone.

it seems like naturally you're afraid to get taken advantage of or hurt even by common strangers, let alone a significant other. thats natural. youre weak right now. you get rid of that weakness by pushing yourself daily and focusing on yourself.  for the past month i have been pushing myself in important areas for my health - reading on here, making the decision to let go for good, even if she does come back, and really forcing myself to work out every day even if i really, really dont want to.  a month later i am happy with my progress - mentally and physically. and that just encourages and motivates me more.  

you have to get the negative thoughts, the feeling bad for yourself and regrets and thinking you could have done more out of your head.  it will never work with her and thats not your fault. she has a severe disorder that no one can fix. she will always be miserable, even when she is with someone else. i do not want to live my life revolving around that.  taking care of a child and neglecting myself.

its been a month since i broke up with mine. 2 weeks since she emailed me some lame email "chantix.com will help you quit smoking" and 2 weeks since she's now happily in a r/s with someone else and doing things like going to crossfit and hot yoga with him.  i dont care. i have even been able to stop stalking her emails.  i remind myself how she abused me and that far outweighs any good times. even the good times were about her.  what i miss, i can find in my next r/s because that is up to me.  and then it will at least have some meaning, rather than just being temporary distractions or temp. satisfactions for her.  

just accept that you know you will be happier without her in your life and stop thinking otherwise. safe yourself. she will never change and never be happy and you obviously dont make her complete just as i didnt make my ex complete, nor did i help her, nor was i able to fix her, nor was i able to satisfy her in a way that it lasted more than a moment, and once that moment passed she wanted more and couldnt appreciate what i had given so far.


haha, i dont know if my message had much to do with your post, but its just stuff i wanted to say to you as i've seen a couple of your other posts and also stuff i wanted to reinforce in myself.

stay strong, push yourself, and dont be hard on yourself. make progress day by day and eventually you'll feel better than ever.  it wont take that long either as long as you make the decision and commit to it.  make the decision to move on with your life and not have her involved in it.

[syz]

I decided to go onto an anti depressant after dealing with infidelity.  it didn't stop me from being sad or having PTSD but it made everything more manageable when I was barely able to keep my head above water.  It helped me to sleep better which was critical for recovering.  

As for dealing with your ex.  I know "I'm sorry you feel that way." is the new "F-you" but you aren't trying to really discuss the relationship.  or repair it.  :)on't get pulled into that.  Keep things on track.  And don't expect any type of validation.  My conversations basically became back and forth of crazy accusations and then I hope we can be friends again one day.  I basically steered the conversations to the topic at hand like forwarding my mail and a few items I had sent there for my move out west and said gently something along the lines of, "I really don't want to discuss us further, but about your friend who said I gave him a blow job I think that is between you and your friend and his wife.  I'm sorry he said that to you that you have to figure that out but I don't want this in my life.  Good luck."    

See I'm supposed to care about the accusation smear of my character,  that I would do this with a married guy, turning into the other person, which I despise after being cheated on myself, that I would threaten my medical license by doing this while I was supposedly treating him, and that I would do this at her house which is an enormous violation.  And instead I decided to treat it as incidental.  not worth addressing.  (though inside I was crapping myself until I figured out that legally I was covered)

Just you can't let it get to you.  No matter how preposterous what is said. I actually got the point where I refused to communicate by phone only text message because I have a program that saves all of those into a pdf file so I have proof of the massive meltdowns and accusations and hostility and bouncing off the wall and then wanting me back in the picture in case I need it for some reason down the line to exonerate me.