Serious advice needed

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Been ages since I last posted on here, but I'm at my wits end now and could do with some serious advice!

Having read countless posts from people with BPD partners I've come to the conclusion that my situation isn't really any different from anybody else's. We continue to go through the regular push-pull recycling issues and for the past 4 weeks I have had NC with her. I endured a tough southern hemisphere summer, where I was lucky to get a txt a day and we went for a few days at a time with NC. Maybe that we don't live together is a blessing, but since Valentines day I haven't heard one thing and I was getting quite comfortable that for various reasons. However, today, out of nowhere she texted and then turned up at my house. Things were ok until she started on about how everything that's happened over the past 4 weeks is 100% my fault and that now I have to decide where I want all this to go and what I want! She's an absolute master at putting words in my mouth and making me feel like I've been the sole cause of all that's happened! Like most other people on her I would have to say that I'd walk to the ends of the earth for her, but I've been set back a fair few paces now and I don't know whether to say "see you!" or "What the heck" or "I love you so let's try again"? Aaaaaggghh!

[kelly66]

Been ages since I last posted on here, but I'm at my wits end now and could do with some serious advice!

Having read countless posts from people with BPD partners I've come to the conclusion that my situation isn't really any different from anybody else's. We continue to go through the regular push-pull recycling issues and for the past 4 weeks I have had NC with her. I endured a tough southern hemisphere summer, where I was lucky to get a txt a day and we went for a few days at a time with NC. Maybe that we don't live together is a blessing, but since Valentines day I haven't heard one thing and I was getting quite comfortable that for various reasons. However, today, out of nowhere she texted and then turned up at my house. Things were ok until she started on about how everything that's happened over the past 4 weeks is 100% my fault and that now I have to decide where I want all this to go and what I want! She's an absolute master at putting words in my mouth and making me feel like I've been the sole cause of all that's happened! Like most other people on her I would have to say that I'd walk to the ends of the earth for her, but I've been set back a fair few paces now and I don't know whether to say "see you!" or "What the heck" or "I love you so let's try again"? Aaaaaggghh!

[tuum est61]

How did you respond when she said that everything that has happened is your fault?

[kelly66]

I was a bit taken aback, to be honest! She and I have been together for 5 years now and we've had loads of times where there's been NC, to the point where I'm now starting to think "been there, done that" when it happens again. This time I just put my head up and said " what the hell?" and got on with things! But for sure, yet again it's all my fault and now, on s Sunday evening with the week ahead of me, I'm yet again faced with the draining thought of what to do and where to go from here?

[tuum est61]

This time I just put my head up and said " what the hell?" and got on with things!

It is a GOOD thing you didn't argue with her - bin der don dat - as you say.  But the fact is that it's not all your fault, right?  So how do you think "getting on with things," is going to work for you?

How else could you have responded rather than put your head into your hands?

[kelly66]

To be honest, I have absolutely no idea what's going to happen over the next few days. I suppose I replayed the conversation over and over in my head, but when it came down to it all of those well practiced words got caught up in stage fright and I ended up kicking myself for saying things that I knew would not only give her fodder for hitting me between the eyes, but would once again put me in a position whereby I'm now shouldering the blame for it all.

Oh to be able to turn back the little hand on the clock!

[tuum est61]

An old adage that I like is "Experience is a wonderful teacher - it allows you to recognize a mistake every time you repeat it."  Don't be too hard on yourself.

My questions and comments are intended to prepare you for the next time - it seems certain she will accuse you again that the problems on your relationship are "all your fault."

So when she does do it again, what will you say?  

[tut-uncommon]

. . . Welcome to your "new" support group. Look around and read . . There are thousands of those similar stories and I too have one. You were never really prepared for this and the happy honeymoon only makes occasional/sparse appearances.

As of now, me and my pwBPD are either on icy silence or broken up completely with NC 

You may go through stages of questioning whether or not they really loved you, remembering the pledges/promises of "forever" and questioning what wrong you did to trigger all of this. You are simply a "normal" person with "normal" expectations who ended up in a relationship and person of which are neither . . .

All I can tell you from my experience is that it is important to seek help, research the many books available,read all over this board for insights, tips, definitions, and other's experiences. Some people have lived with their pwBPD for YEARS - I dont know how they managed.

They can recover, but it takes years and they have to be willing to go to therapy and acknowledge that they have to change (on whatever level)  This board is filled with many unhappy stories and only a few happy ones.

Choose wisely and carefully.

[hithere]

I don't know whether to say "see you!

I would go with that choice.  But you don't sound ready yet, when it is time to leave you will probably know it and not need to ask.

When you go through these days/weeks of NC are you both dating other people?  Maybe she got dumped?

[kelly66]

Thanks for the replies and valuable comments from you all - they're very much appreciated



Tut-Uncommon - I know EXACTLY how you feel right now! I've been through many, many episodes where there's such an uncertainty about whether the relationship is merely on icy ground for a while or whether it is finally over. The uncertainty of which of those possibilities is possibly the most soul destroying dilemma of everything?

Hithere - I haven't dated anybody else while we have had these NC times and I think I can say that she hasn't either. If she has then she's an absolute Master at hiding it, as I've never suspected her dating other guys and never come across stray txts or strange calls when we have finally gotten back together. But who knows?

It's interesting that the word 'normal' is used in these posts a lot. When she and I were talking a few days ago I mentioned that not once in 5 years of being together has she EVER invited me to socialise with her and her friends! I'm not looking to go out with her and her friends every single time, but maybe just once, to a party, to a shared dinner, to a social event etc would be nice. But when I mentioned that I thought this is what couples 'Normally' do, she got quite angry and told me that she wants to keep me and her social circle "seperate". I know that she never, ever talks about me at work (where most of her social friends are) and when I asked her if she knew how it felt to be treated like this she merely shrugged her shoulder and said that it's not something that's important to her in our relationship. And I have a couple of other things as well... .  Not once, in 5 years, have I ever been invited to dinner at her house. She moved house a year ago and again, not once in all this time have I been invited to stay over there. I get no birthday, Christmas or Valentine's Day cards, and I can't remember the last time she wrote me anything at all. There's no romance, emotion or affection between us and when I mentioned this a few days ago I was told that it's because I don't instigate it! But to be honest, I got to the point where I used to put so much effort into those areas of our relationship, with nothing in return, that eventually I just gave up and couldn't really see the point any longer. Trouble is, now I'm getting hit with the "It's all your fault" chat!

So we're no further on since a few days ago, but then I didn't expect we would be so soon after. I think it'll be more at the weekend coming that things will be resolved one way or the other, which makes for a VERY long week indeed!

[waverider]

The one advantage of issues within a BPD relationship is their utter predictably, they are like a video game. You screw up, you fail, you learn what not to do. It comes around again, like hitting restart. You get a but further by applying what you have learned, but you screw up a bit further along, round you go again.

Screwing up is rarely terminal, just go back to start and try again next time. Just getting it a little bit more right nextime

You get stuck in the constant restart /rewrite mode until you either get it right or give up as too hard.

[tuum est61]

So again I ask - if she says all the problems in your relationship are all your fault - how will you reply?

[kelly66]

I'm sorry, but until that happens I really don't know

[hithere]

not once in 5 years of being together has she EVER invited me to socialise with her and her friends!

Not once, in 5 years, have I ever been invited to dinner at her house.

I get no birthday, Christmas or Valentine's Day cards, and I can't remember the last time she wrote me anything at all. There's no romance

Maybe my understanding of what being together is different than yours.  Are you friends, acquaintances?  Considering the above I don't know how you could really consider it an intimate relationship.

[tuum est61]

I'm sorry, but until that happens I really don't know

When living with a person with BPD - whether you are staying, leaving, or undecided - it is important and useful for healing to change our communications.  It's mostly for us, but it can lead to some changes in their behavior as well

It has to be frustrating and hurtful to constantly hear the "it's all your fault" refrain.  Yes, you can ignore it, but in my case ignoring and internalizing such hurtful comments festers and hurts more and finally erupts into my own dysregulation.  Based on the comment below, I think the same thing is happening to you.

I ended up kicking myself for saying things that I knew would not only give her fodder for hitting me between the eyes, but would once again put me in a position whereby I'm now shouldering the blame for it all.

I think you need to change to responding a bit more frequently to her accusations rather than reacting ocassionally in a way that makes things worse.  The primary tool for doing so is validation - either simple acknowledgement of their feelings or the SET approach.  

Have you ever tried validating her concerns about you being the source of all her pain when she "lays the blame"?

"I can see you feel I've been the cause of all the problems in this relationship."

"It has to be hard feeling I'm causing all the difficulties here."

"You must feel incredibly frustrated that I'm causing so many problems for us."

It can be a bit awkward but with enough practice and repetition, it lessens the sting of the comments even if it doesn't reduce their frequency.  Acknowledging their concerns reminds us that these feelings are FACTS for them - while at the same time creating space in our head that these certainly AREN'T the facts - taking away that space they've "rented" for so long.  

And it creates space in our heart for compassion for the confusing and difficult place they are in - allowing us not to take it so personally - leading to healing and peace.  Validation is far more powerful than it first appears.  

Here's what others have to say about validation.

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it