won't return phone calls but will come to our house for a party... confused

[Depression = 72% of members]

My mother has been out of the mental health hospital for approximatley two months now from a suicide attempt. Her contact with me has been limited since her release.  Last week I left her a message about helping out at my son's upcoming graduation party. She has not returned the call.  In addition, my mom did not call my husband on his birthday, which was a few days ago.  My husband and my son have birthdays near eacother. We had a joint birthday party yesterday, which my parents came to.  My mother hugged all our kids, but not my husband and I.  During the party, she did talk to us somewhat, but spent most of her time talking to my son and his girlfriend.

How can she come to our house for a party and act somewhat ok, even saying, "happy birthday" to my husband as they leave, but she won't return phone calls or call my husband on his birthday, which my parents always have done? 

Part of my son's birthday gift is going to a concert with my parents and us (my husband and I). These tickets were purchased when things seems ok, but now they aren't.  We got through the birthday party okay. I just hope we get through the concert okay.  We are very stressed out about going!

[kjjl]

My mother has been out of the mental health hospital for approximatley two months now from a suicide attempt. Her contact with me has been limited since her release.  Last week I left her a message about helping out at my son's upcoming graduation party. She has not returned the call.  In addition, my mom did not call my husband on his birthday, which was a few days ago.  My husband and my son have birthdays near eacother. We had a joint birthday party yesterday, which my parents came to.  My mother hugged all our kids, but not my husband and I.  During the party, she did talk to us somewhat, but spent most of her time talking to my son and his girlfriend.

How can she come to our house for a party and act somewhat ok, even saying, "happy birthday" to my husband as they leave, but she won't return phone calls or call my husband on his birthday, which my parents always have done? 

Part of my son's birthday gift is going to a concert with my parents and us (my husband and I). These tickets were purchased when things seems ok, but now they aren't.  We got through the birthday party okay. I just hope we get through the concert okay.  We are very stressed out about going!

[lipsticklibrarian]

It's all about image with them and her coming to your party is a sign that she wants to present the image of being a good grandma. She also want to have a good relationship with your kids because borderlines know young people are less likely to be able to intellectually grasp that there is something wrong with them. I'm sorry that your parents are being so unpleasant to you but rest assured they will turn it all around and be nice to you all over again!

[kjjl]

Thank you.  That makes sense to me.  My hunch was that she was there to put on a good show to my dad and the kids so she can say, "see, I'm not crazy - they are."  Our guard is up with her, so I feel like she wants to put herself in a good light in front of others and make us look bad.   My dad may not even know that she has not returned the call or that she didn't call my husband on his birthday.

I'm trying to not automatically get angry at the things my mom does, but instead I think why she's doing them (based on the BPD traits) and then either ignore the bad behavor or figure out how I can react in a way that takes care of myself, but at the same time doesn't make things worse.  Am I correct in thinking this way? 

[GeekyGirl]

Hi kjjl,

I would agree with lipsticklibrarian. It's possible that your mother wants to keep up appearances to other friends/family, but it's also possible that she wanted to see the kids.

Has your mother mentioned the concert at all? How do you think things will go when you go to the concert?

[kjjl]

Hi.  Yes, I think she wanted to see the kids as well.  She really didn't talk too much about the concert.  The concert is tonight and the party was just yesterday.  I think she will probably act the same way she did at the party.  Being around my mom is difficult right now because there are some unresolved issues.  My mom wrote a sucide note to my husband and I accusing us of terrible things.  We have not had a chance to confront her yet about the note. We are hopeful that family therapy will happen at some point, but my mom has not even began a BPD treatment program yet.