Passive, Aggressive VS Assertive... Managing Our Behaviors

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Passive, Aggressive VS Assertive  Managing Our Behaviors

Mathew McKay, Ph.D, Jefferey Wood, Psy.D and Jefferey Brantley, MD, authors of The Dialectical Behavior Therapy SkillsWorkbook, talk about "old habits" in behaviors and the benefits of learning assertiveness.

Old Habits- of the Aggresive Kind

In your family of origin, you observed how people solved interpersonal problems, and you began to model your behavior on what you saw. If members of your family dealt with conflict using anger, blame, or withdraw, these are the strategies you may have learned to use as well. Techniques for influencing others that utilize fear, shame, or hurtful psychological pressure are called aversive strategies.

There are eight of them:

1. Discounting: The message to the other person is that his or her needs or feelings are invalid and don't have legitimacy or importance. Here's an example: "You've been watching TV all day; why do you expect me to come home and do the bills?"

2. Withdrawing/abandoning: The message is "do what I want or I'm leaving." The fear of abandonment can be so powerful that many people will give up a great deal to avoid it.

3. Threatening: The message here is "do what I want or I'll hurt you." The most typical threats are to get angry or somehow make the other person's life miserable. Here's an example: "Hey, ok, I won't ask you to help me again. Maybe I'll ask somebody else."

4.Blaming: The problem, whatever it is, becomes the other person's fault. Since they caused it, they have to fix it. Here's an example: "The reason we are running up our credit card every month is that you never saw a store you didn't like."

5. Belittling/denigrating: The strategy here is to make the other person feel foolish and wrong to have a particular need, opinion or feeling. Here's an example: "Why do you want to go to the lake all the time? All you ever do is get allergy attacks up there."

6. Guilt-tripping: This strategy conveys the message that the other person is a moral failure, that their needs are wrong and must be given up. Here's an example: "If you don't trust me, that tells me something is very wrong with our relationship."

7. Derailing: This strategy switches attention away from the other person's feelings and needs. The idea is to stop talking about them and then instead talk about yourself. Here's an example: " I don't care what you want to do, right now I feel hurt."

8. Taking away: Here the strategy is to withdraw some form of support, pleasure, or reinforcement from the other person as punishment for something th said, did, or wanted. Here's an example: "I'm not really in the mood for hiking; it's boring." this, after his partner was unwilling to invest in a new camera (adapted from McKay, Fanning, & Paleg, 1994).

As you review this list, are there strategies you recognize from your own behavior? Think back to times you've used aversive tactics-what was the impact of your relationship? Is this something you want to change? The best way to stop aversive behavior is to observe it closely.

Old Habits-of the Passive Kind

Some old habits are of the passive kind rather than aggressive variety. You may have learned in your family how to shut down or surrender when there is a conflict. Interpersonal skills won't do you much good if you don't know what you want in a situation. If you can't clearly articulate your needs, all you're left with is frustration.

Assertiveness

Assertiveness is a critical skill to maintaining healthy relationships. Without it you will b forced into passive or aggressive patterns that destroy the fabric of trust and intimacy.

There are three basic components to an assertiveness statement:

"I think."- This part focuses on the facts and your understanding of what's going on. It should not include judgments or assumptions about the other person's motives. It should not attack in any way. "I think" is a clear description of events ad experiences that you need to talk about-and perhaps change.

"I feel." - This is an optional component that you'd likely use with a friend or family member but not with your garage mechanic. The purpose is to give a brief, non-pejorative description of any emotion triggered by the situation. Communication specialists call this component of assertiveness the "I" statement. That's because it's about you and your particular feelings. Appropriately, any sentence about your emotions should start with "I."

"I want." - This component is the whole point of assertiveness, and you need to think it through carefully. Here are some guidelines to follow:

-Ask for behavioral, not attitudinal, change. You can't reasonably expect someone to change what they believe or feel just because you don't like it.Beliefs and feelings aren't usually in voluntary control. However, you can ask someone to change how they act and what they do.

-Ask for one thing at a time. Don't give a laundry list. That overwhelms people and makes them feel pressured.

-Ask for something that can be changed now. "The next time we go on vacation, I want you to... " is a poor "I want" statement because it'll be long forgotten when the next vacation finally arrives.

-Be specific and concrete. Vague requests like "Be nicer" don't get you anywhere because nobody has a very clear picture of what they mean. Describe what new behavior you expect, and say when and where you want it to occur. Asking someone for twenty minutes of help doing research on the internet is more effective than requesting "technological assistance."

How do we do this?

By paying attention to our reactions honestly. Being mindful of situations we are involved in that cause stress and looking for opportunities to be assertive instead of using old habits that essentially add to our suffering.

[Suzn]

Passive, Aggressive VS Assertive  Managing Our Behaviors

Mathew McKay, Ph.D, Jefferey Wood, Psy.D and Jefferey Brantley, MD, authors of The Dialectical Behavior Therapy SkillsWorkbook, talk about "old habits" in behaviors and the benefits of learning assertiveness.

Old Habits- of the Aggresive Kind

In your family of origin, you observed how people solved interpersonal problems, and you began to model your behavior on what you saw. If members of your family dealt with conflict using anger, blame, or withdraw, these are the strategies you may have learned to use as well. Techniques for influencing others that utilize fear, shame, or hurtful psychological pressure are called aversive strategies.

There are eight of them:

1. Discounting: The message to the other person is that his or her needs or feelings are invalid and don't have legitimacy or importance. Here's an example: "You've been watching TV all day; why do you expect me to come home and do the bills?"

2. Withdrawing/abandoning: The message is "do what I want or I'm leaving." The fear of abandonment can be so powerful that many people will give up a great deal to avoid it.

3. Threatening: The message here is "do what I want or I'll hurt you." The most typical threats are to get angry or somehow make the other person's life miserable. Here's an example: "Hey, ok, I won't ask you to help me again. Maybe I'll ask somebody else."

4.Blaming: The problem, whatever it is, becomes the other person's fault. Since they caused it, they have to fix it. Here's an example: "The reason we are running up our credit card every month is that you never saw a store you didn't like."

5. Belittling/denigrating: The strategy here is to make the other person feel foolish and wrong to have a particular need, opinion or feeling. Here's an example: "Why do you want to go to the lake all the time? All you ever do is get allergy attacks up there."

6. Guilt-tripping: This strategy conveys the message that the other person is a moral failure, that their needs are wrong and must be given up. Here's an example: "If you don't trust me, that tells me something is very wrong with our relationship."

7. Derailing: This strategy switches attention away from the other person's feelings and needs. The idea is to stop talking about them and then instead talk about yourself. Here's an example: " I don't care what you want to do, right now I feel hurt."

8. Taking away: Here the strategy is to withdraw some form of support, pleasure, or reinforcement from the other person as punishment for something th said, did, or wanted. Here's an example: "I'm not really in the mood for hiking; it's boring." this, after his partner was unwilling to invest in a new camera (adapted from McKay, Fanning, & Paleg, 1994).

As you review this list, are there strategies you recognize from your own behavior? Think back to times you've used aversive tactics-what was the impact of your relationship? Is this something you want to change? The best way to stop aversive behavior is to observe it closely.

Old Habits-of the Passive Kind

Some old habits are of the passive kind rather than aggressive variety. You may have learned in your family how to shut down or surrender when there is a conflict. Interpersonal skills won't do you much good if you don't know what you want in a situation. If you can't clearly articulate your needs, all you're left with is frustration.

Assertiveness

Assertiveness is a critical skill to maintaining healthy relationships. Without it you will b forced into passive or aggressive patterns that destroy the fabric of trust and intimacy.

There are three basic components to an assertiveness statement:

"I think."- This part focuses on the facts and your understanding of what's going on. It should not include judgments or assumptions about the other person's motives. It should not attack in any way. "I think" is a clear description of events ad experiences that you need to talk about-and perhaps change.

"I feel." - This is an optional component that you'd likely use with a friend or family member but not with your garage mechanic. The purpose is to give a brief, non-pejorative description of any emotion triggered by the situation. Communication specialists call this component of assertiveness the "I" statement. That's because it's about you and your particular feelings. Appropriately, any sentence about your emotions should start with "I."

"I want." - This component is the whole point of assertiveness, and you need to think it through carefully. Here are some guidelines to follow:

-Ask for behavioral, not attitudinal, change. You can't reasonably expect someone to change what they believe or feel just because you don't like it.Beliefs and feelings aren't usually in voluntary control. However, you can ask someone to change how they act and what they do.

-Ask for one thing at a time. Don't give a laundry list. That overwhelms people and makes them feel pressured.

-Ask for something that can be changed now. "The next time we go on vacation, I want you to... " is a poor "I want" statement because it'll be long forgotten when the next vacation finally arrives.

-Be specific and concrete. Vague requests like "Be nicer" don't get you anywhere because nobody has a very clear picture of what they mean. Describe what new behavior you expect, and say when and where you want it to occur. Asking someone for twenty minutes of help doing research on the internet is more effective than requesting "technological assistance."

How do we do this?

By paying attention to our reactions honestly. Being mindful of situations we are involved in that cause stress and looking for opportunities to be assertive instead of using old habits that essentially add to our suffering.

[heartandwhole]

This is very helpful, suzn, thanks for posting.  I tend to go the withdrawing route when I am hurt.  I think it's because I think that if I express my pain that the other person will discount it or derail, which happened in my FOO, and I find that much more painful than just hiding and licking my wounds alone.

The idea of stating what I think, feel, and want is appealing to me because I think it would alleviate the feeling of powerlessness that comes over me when I am hurting and afraid to speak up.  I also have trouble knowing and articulating my needs, but I'd really like to try anyway.  Nothing will change in my relationship life unless I do. Withdrawal and distance have been so painful for me to experience, that I hate to think that I am doing the same thing and perhaps causing a similar pain to others - and ultimately neither of us gets what we want!

[gina louise]

suzn,

Are there more effective ways to abort when we realize we are falling into a habit of say... blaming or some belittling?

I mean, I can catch myself Mentally and say-Uh wait a minute-that's NOT nice! and redirect, or even apologize if I have stepped on toes.

BUT... .  

Part of MY personal issue has been BEING too nice! (and giving too much away-and feeling butt hurt later on)

I do what I don't WANT to do, for the sake of peace or work, and then resent both myself and the other person later.

It's a learned behavior. I can change it. But HOW?

Arrrgh- it's hard to find the balance.

GL

[Suzn]

Absolutely! Identifying and paying close attention to our "old habits" helps us to work to make changes, become more assertive. These habits can be hard to break, it took a lifetime to develop them, it takes some diligence, focus and practice to change them. However, I agree, wholeheartedly with you, you can do it.

I mean, I can catch myself Mentally and say-Uh wait a minute-that's NOT nice! and redirect, or even apologize if I have stepped on toes.

This is a step in the right direction gina. It is hard to find a balance, you're right about that. It's not so much that it's "not nice" than it is "not accountable". Meaning, if I told you "I sure did rage back at my ex, she was raging and out of control!"  I'm not being accountable for my own behavior in that statement, I'm excusing it because of my perception of what someone else did "to" me. I am a victim here. I exhibited no self control in my raging back, as if I felt I thought I had no control over my own behavior.

Blaming is a hard habit to break. What I did when I realized this in myself, was to try my best to identify my behaviors, hold myself accountable by leaving out the "why" I did it. Which shifted my focus back to me instead of focusing on other people. I still work at this. I can work on myself without belittling someone else's behavior. This has not been easy, to admit where I have judged someone else and not taken the time look in the mirror.

[Suzn]

Nothing will change in my relationship life unless I do.

[gina louise]

So if I am getting this right... .  in "Blaming" it's better and more accountable for ME to just STOP and say I DID X and I was WRONG.

Not to JADE... .  at all. No excuses, no telling "WHY"-even to myself.

Then redirect or regroup, perhaps by choosing a better X to have done in the first place- for next time?


GL

[Suzn]

It's not about being wrong. It's about being ill equipted. For example, in my statement about my ex above, today instead of saying "I so raged back at my ex, she raged at me and was out of control", I say "I have raged at someone, I had no skills in the self control or communication dept. I knew nothing about what it meant to take a time out, use healthy coping skills and then regroup". I am not excusing my behavior, there is a reason for it but the responsibility still falls in my lap.

Now that I know more, because I have searched these skills out and practiced them I will do my best to hold myself accountable for my behavior without pointing the finger at someone else. No one can "make" me do anything. I'd be a liar if I said I never feel like a vicitm, as I said, it's a hard habit to break and I'm human, far from perfect. However I can learn and I do practice diligently to stay out of that mindset.

[yeeter]

This is a great post, thanks Suzn.

I often times see my wife using these aggressive habits with our children.  This really bothers me because it takes a toll on their own self esteem and confidence. 

Then given my wife is high NPD - the 'I' statements struggle to get traction.  That is - for an NPD its really hard to even hear someone elses 'I' statement.  At best you will get a short pause before redirecting it back to a statement about themselves.

For sure I can focus on cleaning up my side of the street and improving my passive aggressive ways (guilty as charged!).  But I havent found a way to 'make' someone listen to what I want to share - I have found instead to go tell it somewhere where there IS an interest in listening (this board or other friends)  Far from ideal - it puts another layer of distance between us.  (which again I guess makes sense if a high 'N' - they are unable to have a close sharing relationship with anyone but themselves?)

[Suzn]

For sure I can focus on cleaning up my side of the street and improving my passive aggressive ways (guilty as charged!). 

This is the focus of this thread. Our side of the street, identifying our behaviors.

[yeeter]

For sure I can focus on cleaning up my side of the street and improving my passive aggressive ways (guilty as charged!). 

This is the focus of this thread. Our side of the street, identifying our behaviors.

Yes, but the suggested improvement in communication, is a struggle with a high N personality.  That is, limited in its ability to be effective - even if we try to practice assertive behavior.  A lot of BPD includes NPD traits, so I was wondering if there were ways to tweak this to be even more effective. 

From my experience, this means wrapping some of my own wants into something she wants.  That is, tying it to her, where we both get something.  If its just about 'me', I dont get too far - no matter how assertive I become.

[Suzn]

There are 3 people with N traits in my life. What I have learned is my assertiveness comes more with my boundaries with them and timing. Two of them, at this point, know what I will  and won't do. I had to exercise an emotional distance and repeatedly remind myself not to take anything they do personally. There are times I have to walk away literally and come back when they are more open to discussion. Communication skills do me no good when they are disregulated.

I have accepted these folks for who they are for the most part. It helped when I pictured them as children with fairly large insecurities. Don't get me wrong, I don't look down on them. I just see their issues more clearly and try to deal with or respond to them accordingly. I can only do my best to keep my behaviors in check, sometimes walking away is because I know they are getting to ME and I need to go exercise my own coping skills. I work with these folks so I have to find a ways to communicate. Hope this helps.

[yeeter]

Part of MY personal issue has been BEING too nice! (and giving too much away-and feeling butt hurt later on)

I do what I don't WANT to do, for the sake of peace or work, and then resent both myself and the other person later.

It's a learned behavior. I can change it. But HOW?

I think a big part of the key to this is self awareness Gina.  Catching yourself in the moment, and stopping and asking yourself "If I give into this am I just going to feel resentful?" .  And if so, understanding that its actually counter productive to do so - and even more damaging in the long run than doing the action in the moment.  Of course its great if you can modify it to a state that is acceptable to both of you, but often this isnt realistic.

Owning this responsibility - of preventing your own resentment - even if it means some short term unpleasantness for the sake of long term sustainability.

Very hard to do... .  

[DeRetour]

Ah! This is helpful to look at in one clean list. I try to be assertive in life. I feel like I've internalized the distinction when comparing passive, aggressive, and assertive behavior over my adult life. That said, I've often erred on the passive to passive-aggressive end of things. I like that the hypothetical examples used aren't over the top or extreme, but really quite ordinary (at least the ones I've read so far).

Thanks Suzn

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I hadn't seen this thread before. Thanks for posting!

I've had a hard time with finding my voice and being assertive, but not passive-aggressive. All I learned growing up was that it no one should assert themselves, and the passive-aggressive tactics were abundant. So as an adult, I found it really hard to state something as "I think... ." and "I want... .". It felt wrong, like I was asking too much. I've really had to work on it, and to acknowledge that I'm allowed to express an opinion and that people don't have to agree. And that's okay!

-Ask for behavioral, not attitudinal, change. You can't reasonably expect someone to change what they believe or feel just because you don't like it.Beliefs and feelings aren't usually in voluntary control. However, you can ask someone to change how they act and what they do.

-Ask for one thing at a time. Don't give a laundry list. That overwhelms people and makes them feel pressured.

-Ask for something that can be changed now. "The next time we go on vacation, I want you to... " is a poor "I want" statement because it'll be long forgotten when the next vacation finally arrives.

-Be specific and concrete. Vague requests like "Be nicer" don't get you anywhere because nobody has a very clear picture of what they mean. Describe what new behavior you expect, and say when and where you want it to occur. Asking someone for twenty minutes of help doing research on the internet is more effective than requesting "technological assistance."

I like this list! Good tips.

[MammaMia]

Suzn

OK.  When I say "I think"  I get either, "there you go thinking again... .just stop it" or "stop... .I really do not care what you think".  

It is annoying to be asked for your opinion and then told it does not matter regardless of what you say or do.

How do you suggest getting past this with someone who only has an interest in their own opinion?  To agree makes them angry (because they believe you are not being honest... .even when you are), and to disagree makes them feel invalidated, derailed... and angry (because you are not listening... .even when you are).  It is like all they want to hear is the sound of their own voice.

Frustrating!

[Suzn]

How do you suggest getting past this with someone who only has an interest in their own opinion?  

That can be a frustrating situation MammaMia. First, no matter how you slice it our frustration shows in our body language. If you already know someone is going to reply to you with "I really don't care what you think" when you are being asked for an opinion stop giving it. Instead I've found it's best to ask questions with someone like this, try to remain calm (center yourself), be conscious of your body language and sprinkle in communication tools such as SET.

When this person asks for your opinion an example response could be

S- I'm sorry you're having to deal with that, that is a dilemma.

E- I'd be frustrated to.

T- What are you going to do, or, what is your plan?

Be sincere. You don't have to fix someone else's problem however you can show you're supportive by listening and asking questions. This can help them work through their own issue. You are more a sounding board.

If someone is getting angry when you agree use more benign statements such as "I see" while repeating back what their solution is and ending with "do I have that right?" (Or something similar) They will generally asnwer, let them keep talking their way through their issue. Your body language is important here too. A simple approving head nod as you are talking can help, you feeling at ease will show. All the while you are not really agreeing you are listening. Active listening is trying to not form a response in your mind while they are talking, instead focus on what they are saying, then form a response, this takes practice. If you feel yourself getting frustrated or you can't think of a response (or in this case, a question to ask) take a break by saying something along the lines of "let me think about this for a little while". Giving yourself some room/time to think is assertive.

Becoming comfortable in your own skin when you are use to feeling an expectation of having the answer to someone else's problem will be key here. It can take the pressure off you when you already know what to expect from this person and you have a plan for how to interact. Your assertiveness here is towards yourself. To practice self control and centering yourself, to not interject what your opinion is, to allow someone else to work through their own issue and emotions.

On the flip side, this person knows what to expect from you. It may take a little while for them to get use to your new attitude towards their pushing their issues on you. Don't give up on your sincerity to give someone else's thoughts thought. It can be a show of love to become a good listener and not have all the answers for them. Make sense?

 

[MammaMia]

Thanks Suzn.

I have tried SET.  Does not work.  My dBPDs accuses me of being patronizing.  If I ask what I can do to help, the answer is always "nothing".  Does he have a plan "no".  He complains constantly that I never do anything to help him.  So not true.

I have learned to just listen and be positive with the head nodding and using phrases like "okay" or "I see".  "I understand" cannot be used, because he says there is no way I can understand what he feels.  Also off limits are "need, want, should, could, have to, must, I wish, and why". 

He will call me repeatedly to "discuss" things that bother him.  He hates the neighbors where he lives.  He believes they are watching him and monitoring his every move, when I am not so sure the exact opposite is true.  He claims he is not "allowed" to do things the neighbors routinely do like leaving an outdoor light on at night.   No one has ever spoken to him about the things he believes he cannot do. I own the home he lives in, but he claims if I come to the house the neighbors retaliate toward him.  He is hyper-vigilant.  He cannot afford to live elsewhere, and says if he leaves, the neighbors win... .

Is he paranoid?  Absolutely.  Is he currently under treatment?  No, he says there is nothing wrong with him this week.  Last week, he thought he was schizophrenic... .He even took a test online to verify he was not.

He seems to need to hear himself rationalize situations out loud (whether they make sense or not).  I do not get angry at him, but do need to watch my body language.  If I cross my arms or legs while talking to him, he will point it out.

It is what it is.   If he cannot reach me by phone several times in a row, he panics and often comes to my house.  I have encouraged talk therapy with him but he is not interested in sharing his feelings with anyone else.

Does this whole senario sound familiar?  It is difficult.  I am coping, but some days are harder than others.