The No-Win Loop

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've now had two BPD relationships with several NON relationships in between.  I'm posting here about an eerily similar situation that developed in both relationships, that never arose in NON relationships.

1) We go on a lot of fun dates.

2) We slowly start spending a lot of time together, and although we still go on dates, much more time is spent snuggling on the couch in between nights on the town (honeymoon phase is over).

3) "All you ever want to do is snuggle on the couch." No problem, I'll go out with my friends so you don't get bored with me, I understand that.  Too much togetherness can be suffocating.

4) "You go out with your friends too much, I'd like you to do something other than drinking beers at the bar." No problem, I'll play golf and go to the gym, see you later.

5) "You don't spend enough time with me."  ---> Back to #2 above, and repeat.

Having gotten into this unbreakable cycle twice now, I'm at least encouraged by the fact that I've had NON relationships where the cycle never popped up.

To me, the difference seems to be between "content" and "discontent".  I am generally content with whatever I'm doing in life, whether it's skydiving or sitting on the couch watching baseball.  To the BPD, there is never any content moment - really sad to think about, and must be a hard way to go through life.

I really need to figure out why I'm so attracted to the BPD type in the first place though, that's my own project.

[ThanksForPlaying]

I've now had two BPD relationships with several NON relationships in between.  I'm posting here about an eerily similar situation that developed in both relationships, that never arose in NON relationships.

1) We go on a lot of fun dates.

2) We slowly start spending a lot of time together, and although we still go on dates, much more time is spent snuggling on the couch in between nights on the town (honeymoon phase is over).

3) "All you ever want to do is snuggle on the couch." No problem, I'll go out with my friends so you don't get bored with me, I understand that.  Too much togetherness can be suffocating.

4) "You go out with your friends too much, I'd like you to do something other than drinking beers at the bar." No problem, I'll play golf and go to the gym, see you later.

5) "You don't spend enough time with me."  ---> Back to #2 above, and repeat.

Having gotten into this unbreakable cycle twice now, I'm at least encouraged by the fact that I've had NON relationships where the cycle never popped up.

To me, the difference seems to be between "content" and "discontent".  I am generally content with whatever I'm doing in life, whether it's skydiving or sitting on the couch watching baseball.  To the BPD, there is never any content moment - really sad to think about, and must be a hard way to go through life.

I really need to figure out why I'm so attracted to the BPD type in the first place though, that's my own project.

[Newton]

ThanksForPlaying... .  It seems natural to me that your thread topic/post splits into two parts... .  

1/... .  after the initial fun your BPD partners want to veg out on the couch, period... .  that is very familiar to me and I imagine others here.  They can retreat into a hibernation like state and want us to be attached at the hip with them... .  It sounds like that wasn't working for you, understandably so.


2/... .  working out why you are attracted to these types (I can match your 2... .  and raise   )... .  


Do you have a therapist you are talking through this stuff with?... .  or is it something you would entertain?... .  

The project you have chosen is incredibly valuable to you... .  run with it!

[mango_flower]

To me, the difference seems to be between "content" and "discontent".  I am generally content with whatever I'm doing in life, whether it's skydiving or sitting on the couch watching baseball.  To the BPD, there is never any content moment - really sad to think about, and must be a hard way to go through life.

Yes, this is fascinating!  I wonder if that's why all they want to do is plan stuff for the future... .  my BPD ex was never content just doing "nothing".  If I came in from work, she had to know what the plan was for that evening.  She could never "Just be".  Even if it was watching a DVD together, it had to be planned.  Or even if it was just "chill time", playing on facebook or whatever, it had to be stated that that was what we'd be doing.  She couldn't handle just letting the evening unfold.  

I completely agree that they can't just have contentment in the moment.

Looking back now, I'm not even sure we had that much in common.  We felt like we did, as we talked continuously.  About our upcoming wedding, about days out we'd be doing, about our future children. But living in the moment... .  we just were so very different.

It's fascinating, all these similarities between stories.