Good Memory

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I know that BPD "memories" are often not based in fact at all.

One thing I find fascinating however is the sometimes incredibly accurate real memory for conversation and events.  My exBPD would often bring up something I said or did months ago, that I hadn't even remembered, and blow it out of proportion.  The original memory was spot on, I just couldn't believe she had even recalled.  Like "six months ago, two Thursday nights in a row, we went to the same restaurant, I was mad about that." Instead of just saying at the time, let's go to a different restaurant.

One reason I'm able to be happy is that I let things slide, don't hold on to every remark or comment, and focus on the big things - "I love this person."

My exBPD seems to go through life vacuuming up every minor irritation with the world until it all becomes too much and she has to explode and start over.  The explosion doesn't even erase the memories... .  they are still there ... .  so much baggage.

In this case, she is high-functioning, so her sharp memory actually serves as a talent when she harnesses it... .  But man it causes her so much pain too when she is forced to remember every little thing.

[ThanksForPlaying]

I know that BPD "memories" are often not based in fact at all.

One thing I find fascinating however is the sometimes incredibly accurate real memory for conversation and events.  My exBPD would often bring up something I said or did months ago, that I hadn't even remembered, and blow it out of proportion.  The original memory was spot on, I just couldn't believe she had even recalled.  Like "six months ago, two Thursday nights in a row, we went to the same restaurant, I was mad about that." Instead of just saying at the time, let's go to a different restaurant.

One reason I'm able to be happy is that I let things slide, don't hold on to every remark or comment, and focus on the big things - "I love this person."

My exBPD seems to go through life vacuuming up every minor irritation with the world until it all becomes too much and she has to explode and start over.  The explosion doesn't even erase the memories... .  they are still there ... .  so much baggage.

In this case, she is high-functioning, so her sharp memory actually serves as a talent when she harnesses it... .  But man it causes her so much pain too when she is forced to remember every little thing.

[HarmKrakow]

I know that BPD "memories" are often not based in fact at all.

One thing I find fascinating however is the sometimes incredibly accurate real memory for conversation and events.  My exBPD would often bring up something I said or did months ago, that I hadn't even remembered, and blow it out of proportion.  The original memory was spot on, I just couldn't believe she had even recalled.  Like "six months ago, two Thursday nights in a row, we went to the same restaurant, I was mad about that." Instead of just saying at the time, let's go to a different restaurant.

One reason I'm able to be happy is that I let things slide, don't hold on to every remark or comment, and focus on the big things - "I love this person."

My exBPD seems to go through life vacuuming up every minor irritation with the world until it all becomes too much and she has to explode and start over.  The explosion doesn't even erase the memories... .  they are still there ... .  so much baggage.

In this case, she is high-functioning, so her sharp memory actually serves as a talent when she harnesses it... .  But man it causes her so much pain too when she is forced to remember every little thing.

I can completely relate with you. They seem to only remember the bad parts, but remember them so vividly and then blow it out of proportion because of course you didn't remember. And then ofcourse also being painted black as a liar because I do seem to remember the good things but not these little things (which seemed major to her)

Gosh the memories of a BPD r/s. Wish I never begun this crap :P

It also relates to the sharp black / white thinking of the BPDer. It's either good, or really bad.

[apple]

Ohh I can relate to that !   

My exw would bring up crap from 5 years prior and the worst part was that her resentment really had no basis logically or emotionally.  It was disordered thinking at it's worst and she would use nonsense to paint me black.

[GreenMango]

I wish there were answers to all these questions.  Sometimes it seems like there aren't a lot of answers.  Maybe one of the ten beliefs no.2 belief that they feel the same way you do.

It seems like we all here have a pretty good memory for specifics too. 

[maxen]

my BPDstbxw certainly had a good memory. she also certainly had a big problem with my good memory.

from the OP:

Like "six months ago, two Thursday nights in a row, we went to the same restaurant, I was mad about that." Instead of just saying at the time, let's go to a different restaurant.

this habit, of not saying a thing at the time she was feeling it, was the beginning of the end for us i think, and it came as soon as the marriage started. i can't remember exactly what the issue was but:

me: dear, could you tidy up this mess (you left) on the counter (a thing you do every day)?

she: well it's just this one time (see above) and two weeks ago you didn't put your shoes on the shoe tree (or whatever)!

and she was probably right. but 1: she wouldn't engage with my issue, and 2: she wasn't speaking from out of her emotions when she was having them. i took her in my arms (i actually remember this) and gave her my sincerest assurances that i was the guy she could say anything to, good bad or indifferent, and never have to worry. you'd think this is just what a partner would want to hear, but not she. my assurance never took, and i became increasingly frustrated by her reticence and backbiting and that was a bad mistake.

i knew it was a problem as soon as i heard it, because what kind of a marriage is it if your spouse won't communicate? but i didn't know how big a problem it would turn to be, as she only once indicated explicitly that she was having real issues in the marriage, one meticulously and callously deceitful month before announcing her exit affair and bolting (during which announcement she said "i always thought you would be the one to leave", a classic BPD projection). i suppose this refusal to speak was out of fear of contradiction and hence being found fault with, or that i'd be offended and leave (over being asked to hang up my shoes?).

here i go into woulda shoulda ... .if i'd just made a practice of buttoning my lip and cleaning up after her would she have been happier and we still together? the T (who knows BPD) emphasizes 'no' because there would always be another demand or another desire hidden. maybe she's right. i also didn't like being treated like a servant.

[ThanksForPlaying]

here i go into woulda shoulda ... .if i'd just made a practice of buttoning my lip and cleaning up after her would she have been happier and we still together? the T (who knows BPD) emphasizes 'no' because there would always be another demand or another desire hidden. maybe she's right. i also didn't like being treated like a servant.

In a normal relationship, you probably could have buttoned your lip and everything would have been fine.  With the BPD, there's always something else.

I do this too.  Sometimes I start thinking maybe it wasn't BPD and maybe I could have saved it.  Sometimes I start thinking BPD isn't a real thing and we're all just upset over break ups.  Doesn't really matter what it was, it was a black hole of needs and demands, and it wasn't healthy.