I really want to give her a piece of my mind

[MakeItHappen]

Ugh.

For whatever reason, I wish to tell her what really happened. My exBPD that is.

I'm sure I've been painted so black there is nothing left. I'm sure she's convinced herself that I am the demon seed, etc.

She did something today that threw me over. I knew it would happen and it did. Throwing me into this posting and wanting to tell her off!

Hoping others on this board, might help me stay in the NC zone when I wish so badly to tell her off.

[imstronghere2]

I told mine off, big time.  Know what difference it made to her?  Nothing.  Meant absolutely nothing.  Just as much as when I professed my love for her just a few short months before she left me and our kids.

They don't care but it might make you feel better.  It allowed me to vent out some of my anger and frustration about everything but it didn't make a damn bit of difference to her.  Once you're painted black, you are DONE in their eyes.  Baked, burnt and crispy.  Done.

[MaybeSo]

The feeling you are having is normal.

However,

1) telling her off will reinforce her current negative opinion of you, further escalating the very thing you are struggling with, rather than de-escalating it, correcting it or fixing it.  It won't work.

2) The number one thing non's struggle with is control issues imho.  We have no control over another person's opinions, perceptions or beliefs about us,  but we spend an inordinate amount of time trying to control that kind of thing as though we do.   Let it go, and instead... .  

3) Focus on someone you can control. Yourself.  

The immidiate release of getting 'into it' with your ex, is like a hit of cocain. It will feel good as a discharge of your anxiety in the moment... .  then the high will wear off, and you will be right back to sqaure one, probably even worse.

[Rose Tiger]

She would love for you to tell her off, proving to herself that you are indeed the critical parent.  Build her case.  Confirm once and for all, that you are the meanie that she's made you out to be.

Remember the old Seinfeld show and George decided to do the exact opposite of what he really wanted to say or do.  Things went really swimmingly for him, everytime!  Maybe that how we should deal with the ex's.

There are a few things I'd love to say to the ex.  The opposite of that is saying nothing.  No input from me, he moves on.  Win, win.

[MakeItHappen]

OK, all makes 100% sense and I agree, thank you!

Is it the wrong thing to do by telling her lightly? As in, not be negative, not be angry, not be the "bad, black listed" person I've been made out to be. Instead, a very calm, kind, thoughtful person(the person I was/am the entire time we we're together).

[Discarded26]

I've been made out to be the bad guy (girl) to. Even though he ended it cruelly    

[Rose Tiger]

Ok, MakeItHappen, write out what you want to say and we'll edit for you. 

[MakeItHappen]

Ok, MakeItHappen, write out what you want to say and we'll edit for you. 

Rose Tiger, that's adorable. I just might.



Thank you!

[ScotisGone74]

I would really love to just have the opportunity to sit down and confront my exBPD SO with a bunch of the things she did to me and others, which I found out about while the whole pinyatta was coming apart.   But I'll never get the chance to, I've gone NC with her and am trying to get over it as much as I can.   As much as I would want to tell her about all the pain she has caused, not just to me, but to alot of others, and the lies, and  etc etc, it would I believe make me feel a little better for a short time, but then of course it would wear off.  She would not give me any real answers anyway, only half truths and finger pointing at me for 'making' her do all these things.  Once you have been painted black and they have found a new 'supply' of self esteem I don't believe there really is a way you can constructively say anything to them.   So for them, they can go on living a life without any remorse, guilt, worry, or sorrow for any of their actions, but sick or not, a day of judgement will come for us all one day.  

[mango_flower]

The feeling you are having is normal.

However,

1) telling her off will reinforce her current negative opinion of you, further escalating the very thing you are struggling with, rather than de-escalating it, correcting it or fixing it.  It won't work.

2) The number one thing non's struggle with is control issues imho.  We have no control over another person's opinions, perceptions or beliefs about us,  but we spend an inordinate amount of time trying to control that kind of thing as though we do.   Let it go, and instead... .  

3) Focus on someone you can control. Yourself.  

The immidiate release of getting 'into it' with your ex, is like a hit of cocain. It will feel good as a discharge of your anxiety in the moment... .  then the high will wear off, and you will be right back to sqaure one, probably even worse.

Love this reply.

I too have been very tempted, as have uncovered more and more things that don't exactly PROVE she has been lying about loads of stuff, but strongly support my hypothesis!

I just keep reminding myself that she would show any email to her new fiancee and they'd both have a lovely laugh at my expense... .  

So yeah.  Just keep posting here.  It's just not worth your time, effort or anger xxx

[MakeItHappen]

Taken from another thread:

Too perfect=too suspicious!

It's brilliant and so right on! She appeared "perfect" to me from her online profile and in reality, she is the farthest thing from it.

Thanks everyone for this board!

Really DOES help me stay in the NC zone.

[grad]

I'd highly suggest you didn't unless it's the ONLY way you can move on.  I like to take the high road, months and months later having them realize I was the best guy they've ever met.  So far I'm 3/3 on that which feeds my NPD traits cuz I never recycle or look back.  But with this one, I truly want her to realize and accept it so we can be happy together.  Unfortunately I may be better off without her but not vice-versa and hope to move on for that occasion that she might try to reconnect

I can tell her sorry, it's not possible

[afterdeath]

dont bother replying to her...

I did it, and was threatened that she'd call the cops if i persisted texting.

Made no difference and i felt worse.

[have gone nc]

I have done this and i have to be honest, I think if i spoke to a brick in the garden it would understand my feelings better... .  it's just a defense mechanism in pwBPD which they have finely tuned over years. I feel its our codependancy again, feeling that "one last talk" might change things... .  

As i said I done it and nothing changed... .  very sadly

I even told her that I find it truly sad that if I explained to her how much I loved and respected her every single day for the next million years that she would still not TRULY understand. Her answer was " so does that mean we are going to try again? "

[afterdeath]

dont bother replying to her...

I did it, and was threatened that she'd call the cops if i persisted texting.

Made no difference and i felt worse.

Also you give them back their power over you.

[WT]

I wrote a letter telling off my ex but I never sent it to her.  It felt good to get it all off my chest (I cried a lot when I was writing it) but in the end, I knew that nothing productive would come out of sending it.  I'll never expect her to be able to grasp why I feel betrayed.

[waitaminute]

Just stay NC. Otherwise you will delay your recovery. If she responds, you may then a few days or weeks later think of something you should have said in response to her response. If she doesn't respond, you will be tormented by thoughts of what she is thinking...   or even remorse for whatever you  say.

Let the daybreak come. Leave the darkness.

[astoria34]

Don't give them the power over you.

[MakeItHappen]

thanks everyone!

can't help but wonder, why she has yet to contact me?