Accepting the bad side of her... destroying the dream

[mango_flower]

I have uncovered more and more little lies she told me.

Have found evidence of 7 outstanding loan companies she owes money to.

One of my good friends admitted she borrowed money from her, towards my engagement ring.

I feel stupid.  Foolish.  A complete sucker.

And it hurts - because it feels like my dream is destroyed.  We're 100% over and I would never go back (even though she'd never COME back).  But I wanted our little dream to stay perfect, to tuck it away in a corner of my heart, forever.  Star-crossed lovers who just couldn't be together through circumstance. 

My memories of the time were so beautiful.  My first love.  Happy summer days, picnics in the park, days out with friends, talking constantly on the phone, buying each other little gifts, planning our future, our wedding, our children.

I'd never had that before.  And it was so beautiful.

I wanted to keep those beautiful memories.

But now they are all tainted, because of how it ended.  And the fact that I have uncovered such deceit.  I wonder if anything she ever told me was true.  Those times I held her when she cried about her horrible family who abandoned her for being gay - I gave her my family.  Those times I held her so tight when she cried about her childhood and about her abusive husband hurting her... .  and I wiped her tears and told her she was safe now.  And that's just the tip of the iceberg - so many little things that I have more and more reason to believe were lies, or if not, at least greatly exaggerated... .  

But that taints what we had, knowing the truth.  It all feels dirty, wrong and bad now.

My friends tell me "Those memories were real!  Nothing has changed.  Those 10 first months WERE beautiful and perfect at the time".  But for me it has changed things now, knowing the deceit.  And I can't explain it.  It just hurts.  It's taken something away from me.  My innocence, my hope, my trust in "us".  Even though I know it's over, it just hurts to accept it wasn't all I thought it was.

I am hoping some of you can understand... .  that I am grieving, not for her, but for the death of what we had.

[marbleloser]

I'm sorry you have to go through this mango.

The deceit is the hardest to get over,or was for me.It does leave you wondering if any of it was

real.Yes,it was real.Unfortunately,the part of their disorder is also real.The good was real,and the bad.We tend to project ourselves onto others as those with BPD do.Only,we project good qualities that we hold,onto them.We see them through rose colored glasses,instead of looking at the whole picture.We might make excuses for the times they cross our boundaries,because we want to believe what we want to believe.

We do lose our innocence.That's not a bad thing though.It's hurts at the beginning,but the further out you get,the more you'll appreciate it.Keep taking care of yourself.You're on a new journey.One that will benefit you greatly,if you let it.

[willy45]

Yeah MangoFlower! Good for you. I know it sucks and is painful. But this is real healing taking place. Your mind is rewriting your relationship to take in a full view of your ex, not just the good stuff you cling to. At some point, the rose colored glasses need to come off and you will see the truth. And that is healing. And you dodged a bullet. Your mind is taking care of you. Im really happy to hear this. I was worried about you!