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Author Topic: 1.0 | A common personality trait in us?  (Read 5576 times)
Clearmind
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« Reply #60 on: March 15, 2013, 05:59:04 PM »

The lonely child does not pertain to everyone! To be sure, and without speculating what schema you are: its important to take the questionnaire and chat to your therapist. There are 18 schemas identified thus far.

hit_

Schema's:  “broad, pervasive themes regarding oneself and one's relationship with others, developed during childhood and elaborated throughout one's lifetime, and dysfunctional to a significant degree." (www.schematherapy.com/id63.htm)


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« Reply #61 on: March 15, 2013, 08:55:43 PM »

I'm an adult child of 2 alcoholics and am used to being the caregiver and to uncertainty. But the interesting thing is that even though this is what is familiar to me, I crave certainty and stability.

And I think my uBPDbf wants some things outside of his pattern, too. We have helped each other in so many ways and have grown over the years. But now he is dysregulating again and I am so sad. Just feels so wrong and dramatic.
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« Reply #62 on: March 15, 2013, 09:41:08 PM »

So as I read through these posts what I keep saying is ditto, yup, that too!  I found recoils post unusual in that he had one healthy relationship and then the relationship to the pwBPD. I've noticed a few others like him but they do seem unusual. Why is that? Are our personalities magnets for the disordered or is it just bad luck. It made me wonder, what if I had married one of the other two guys I had been in a serious relationship with. Would I have grown as a person and grown in my relationship if I had a partner who was emotionally and mentally healthy. What would have become of my codependent traits if I married someone who hadn't required them. Would I even have developed them. Then I got wondering what percentage of divorces are due to one of the partners having a personality disorder. I would say most of the women my age, 50s, don't divorce healthy men. So I would expect that number to be very high.
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« Reply #63 on: March 16, 2013, 12:23:21 AM »

I'm just a woman who wanted to be loved.
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« Reply #64 on: March 16, 2013, 07:59:40 AM »

I found recoils post unusual in that he had one healthy relationship and then the relationship to the pwBPD. I've noticed a few others like him but they do seem unusual. Why is that? Are our personalities magnets for the disordered or is it just bad luck.

I had a ten year relationship before this one. It started out healthy but in the later years my partner became more and more depressed and frustrated because of his career and I was the only one he had to get angry with. So I got out of that relationship tired, wounded and looking for love. That made me an easy target for my BPD-ex. A couple weeks after I broke up with my BPD-partner I was already targeted by someone I was pretty sure had BPD. I'm more wounded and an even bigger BPD-magnet now. Just guessing but maybe widows and widowers are also more vulnerable and more appealing to people with BPD.
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« Reply #65 on: March 16, 2013, 12:06:19 PM »

I'm a magnet for them.  I only mentioned two of my relationships in the above post.  I acted the same in both those relationships - and one was a very healthy relationship; the other not-so-much.  Our pick in a partner matters.

There is something I was thinking about last night.  I had much better boundaries before becoming a widower.  I once dated a girl who I later found was molested by her Father.  I told her I would stick by her if she went to counseling.  She refused.  I ended it.  No drama, no sleepless nights, nothing.  She even came back months later saying she would go to counseling but my offer had expired by that time.

What happened to me?  Why did I start accepting breadcrumbs in the last relationship?  I know the answer.  I may post more in L6.


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LetItBe
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« Reply #66 on: March 16, 2013, 12:24:16 PM »

I'm a fixer, too.  I have behaved very co-dependently all of my life, and it was through my r/s with uBPDbf that I realized this.  Now that I have the awareness, I'm working on it.

My mom was bipolar and I strongly suspect had BPD.  She would switch from kind and loving, to raging and abusive, to withdrawn.  Not surprisingly, I have a an insecure/anxious attachment style, which is triggered by my uBPDbf's withdrawals.  I can see that I've been trying to heal my "mom" issues in this r/s.

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healingmyheart
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« Reply #67 on: March 16, 2013, 12:56:46 PM »

I married very young to a man 17 years my senior.  We were married 26 years before he passed and he was a wonderful husband.  I loved him very much.  We trusted each other and learned to compromise and everything else that goes into a loving, caring, respectful relationship.  Actually compromise was huge in our relationship... .  we didn't even agree on children (he never wanted children and of course I did).

I know it's not normal to marry someone so much older but the relationship worked.  Was I searching for a father figure?  Possibly... .  my dad was never home since he worked overseas and we didn't see him much growing up.  When he was home for short periods of time, he wasn't involved as a parent. 

Guess I need to take all this to counseling with me and see just what my deal is... .  

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« Reply #68 on: March 16, 2013, 07:44:49 PM »

What happened to me?  Why did I start accepting breadcrumbs in the last relationship?  I know the answer.  I may post more in L6.

I wonder the same thing. My theory is that as we get older we want a long term r/ship more. We get lonelier (lonely child) and tolerate poor behaviour more than we once did when we were more confident of finding love again if this r/ship ended... .  

Bb12
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« Reply #69 on: March 16, 2013, 08:56:04 PM »

Hi,

I have had some very healthy normal loving relationships with other partners. They ended because it was not meant to be, some ended in a hard way others an acceptance we were different.

As to being magnets of people with BPD, I would agree to some extent. Some relationships I started or that were started I recognized early on there was something very wrong with them. The relationship and the person ... .  and were ended in a healthy manner quickly once things got out of hand.

With my eventual ending up in  a longer term relationship with someone with BPD there was and is a difference. As I said before the reason for me being a protector as opposed to a white knight ... .  or fixer ... .  is my ex BPD partner was able to exploit this chink in my ... .  my personality and I actually fell for it. Normally trusting I accepted half truths at face value ... .  if only i had checked the background but no one told me and likely it would not have mattered either way.

Why I almost ended up with several people who i suspect were BPD prior to this but was able to spot them ... .  and why I ended up with the BPD partner  was about me. All about me and who and what I am as opposed to the BPD ex or the ones who I ran away from prior to that.

Accepting who and what we are, learning and growing and accepting we are not perfect and have traits is one of the many journeys I have had post BPD relationship.  That I personally tend to protect people in trouble in many ways is a good thing, on the other hand to have it exploited and used is not a good thing. Accepting and knowing this a lesson learnt. The big difference between enabling and helping someone a one I still struggle with but know the weak point.

Take care on your journey   
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BlushAndBashful
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« Reply #70 on: March 16, 2013, 09:03:49 PM »

I find myself to be a helper and a nurturer. I shy away from the term "fixer"- I do try to mediate problems, I don't try to fix people.  I tend to surround myself with smart, intelligent, stable people who don't seem to have major issues.

I don't think I would normally fall under the co-dep label, and I don't see it in any of my previous r/s- romantic, FOO, friends, etc.  I help people out by watching their kids, picking up a few items from the grocery store while I'm running errands, helping them with homework, etc.

As far as what other people are saying here- I didn't see anything wrong with my pwBPD. He was extremely HF and I was attracted to him because he seemed so emotionally healthy and put together.  I looked for flaws and went over him with a fine-toothed comb and came up with nothing.

As far as why I stayed- like I said, I believe in fixing problems, and I really thought (for years) that we were just having miscommunications. I wasn't willing to throw away what I thought was so wonderful because of something that could easily be resolved with a pop psychology relationship book, or a couple sessions of couples therapy. I also felt guilty after my first divorce, because I wasn't sure if we really did everything possible to avoid divorce. I wanted to give this r/s with my pwBPD 110%.

It was only when it dawned on me that *we* didn't have problems, *he* had problems, that I tried to "fix" him. The dysregulation and our rollercoaster r/s seemed entirely dependent on him. Yes, I went into high gear with trying to get him to open up, get on meds, go to counseling, talk about problems... .  basically, get HIM healthy so that WE could get healthy.   I had no idea I was only seeing the tip of the iceberg. If I had the foggiest idea of what BPD is, I would have run for the hills and never looked back.
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expos
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« Reply #71 on: March 16, 2013, 09:21:25 PM »

I come off very soft and low-key in person.  Always smiling. 

I've had some great success in my life, athletically and in my career.  Anyone who talks about me says "he's a REALLY nice guy!"

The core of me is unrelenting and intense, very determined, and so very loyal.  I just don't give up on people and give others too much credit.  This is my fault.  I want to be harsh on people, but can't do it until I'm pushed to unreasonable levels, and then I EXPLODE. 

I think bad women see the nice guy they can stomp all over, get attracted to me, and I let them do it.  Then, I always kick them to the curb after I've had enough suffering.  I just never put my foot down earlier enough to stop the madness.
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Cumulus
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« Reply #72 on: March 17, 2013, 03:48:12 PM »

Hi Mauser, my feelings very similar, figure I must be codependent  to have stayed so long, yet when I read the definitions I meet very few of the traits. I stayed because of my loyalty and because things did seem to be getting better, (and they were on the outside, less public antagonistic behaviours, less raging). I wouldn't consider divorcing or leaving because he was unable to meet my emotional needs or contribute much to the relationship, for me that just wasn't reason enough.  I was able to do that without relying on him anyway.  Probably traits many of us share.

Hi expos, me too, always get the she's such a great person stuff. Always looking out for others even at my own expense.  ( one of the checks in the codependent dept).  No matter how pissy I'm feeling on the inside I'll be smiling on the outside, don't want anyone to feel hurt.
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« Reply #73 on: March 17, 2013, 05:16:58 PM »

... .  so judging from the most recent round of comments, perhaps the common personality trait for us is letting the relationship be all about them

whether we are codependents or have common schema can be argued ad nauseam, but I think this quality might be shared. Somehow, and without realising it, the r/ships became very one-sided and all about HIM / them

For me, it was very subtle. In truth my heart wasn't terribly invested until the devaluation stage. I kept it fairly casual for a long time. But when he bagan to chip away at me, I think I tried to placate him and work on the things he was accusing me of. And then the list grows and you feel that the problems are all your fault. Little do we realise they are just bored and looking for a way out without having the courage to say it.

And like Expos, I would explode when I was pushed to my limits and they would then use that explosion as evidence for our issues or as a reason to discard and disappear

Mind-warping stuff. And I will forever be on guard for that moment when a r/ship becomes too much about them and not about me.

My ex didn't even ask about my day. I would walk into the house and he'd talk about a problem... .  and the whole night would be about that or other things he wanted help with.

And only all these months later do I realise he never once asked after me... .  my day, my work, my well-being.

BB12
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just_think
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« Reply #74 on: March 17, 2013, 08:58:06 PM »

To answer the main question, I imagine all of us to one degree or another deal with one or more of the following:

Codependent

Anxious

Insecure

Fixer of things too broken.

Bad Boundaries

Passive

Note these are all just labels and starting points.  They aren't what you are, but your behaviors.

Oh wait, that was just a list of things I do... .  oh my, I have some work cut out for me... .  

this is an interesting question.

I am in a high level creative job. I'm financially secure, attractive, fit and my self confidence was very intact when I met my partner 5 years ago.

I've had very good relationships and a couple which were not so good as well, but nothing at all like this one. I tend to be a perfectionist and am an over achiever for sure. I have often felt I could "handle it" or I was smart/clever enough to find a solution.  I realize this was false thinking on my part and it might work with projects often enough, but not with relationships - or at least not this one. I am fiercely loyal and I believe this is a blessing and a curse. A curse if you do not have a very good handle on your boundaries.



Excepting the confidence part, I'm exactly the same.  Always think I'm a clever one... .  can handle anything tossed my way.  Even a live grenade.  And the pin is pulled.  And oh shi... .  

Excerpt
a little off topic but I recently read a book about Adult Attachment and the Science of Attachment Styles. It was eye opening. I have been struggling over my seeming inability to be firm with my uBPD partner. While reading I wondered how many of us identified with which style (needs). There is no one better style than another, and they are somewhat changeable once you learn about them.  I am striving to use the tools of a 'secure' attached individual(I believe I was this style once upon a time, but now respond more in an anxious style) to not only leave this r/s behind me, but make better decisions down the road with new ones.

I am a person who is having a very hard time walking away from what is clearly not good for me. I could not identify why. This has helped me.

Maybe you or someone here will find it as empowering as I did.

I'm right there with you with the attachment styles.  Everyone here should learn about them.  I imagine a lot of us are anxious style and we benefit the most from learning about them.   Once I learned about attachment style, It really opened my eyes.  The last ex was avoidant-fearful (had her take the test, she was into psychology as well). I still think that is all it might have been, maybe not something as bad as a PD. Knowing what I know, I still tried though... .  

Also, as a recommendation, my therapist turned me on to Non-Violent Communication.  I highly, highly recommend it.  Also, also, if you know your meyers briggs, my guess is ENTP, possibly INTP
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Distraught-m-in-mn

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« Reply #75 on: March 17, 2013, 09:22:40 PM »

I too am a caretaker, a fixer, and thanks to my father a hard worker.

You put all that together, and it makes a perfect spouse for a BPD.

My therapist said, her theory is that people can 'smell' one another's drama, and that that is one thing that attracts us to them. Not sure if I believe that specifically, but I does make some sense.

My traits/flaws, coupled with a BPD has led me into codependance.

I'm in recovery from it, and some days I fight the urge to call and check on her. Bi I know it's for the best.

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« Reply #76 on: March 18, 2013, 04:14:38 PM »

I seem to be a magnet for disorderly folks... dated 3 so far. My Meyers-Briggs is INTJ.

Sounding to me like codependent tendencies... .  being a rescuer and not looking out for our own real interests, is the most key common personality trait we share.
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Leaf
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« Reply #77 on: March 20, 2013, 01:15:44 AM »

Charred, my result on Briggs Myers (www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp) is almost the same as yours. I came out a ISTJ, with just a slight preference for S over N.

Would be interesting to see what 4-letter type others here are according to this test.
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Surnia
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« Reply #78 on: March 20, 2013, 01:41:57 AM »

Staff only

This has been a worthwhile topic, but we have reached our four page limit so I am locking this thread.  

A new thread to continue the discussion is here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=197320.
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