He said he wants to be "that person"

[Rockylove]

I know that the stress is behind the behavior.  I realize that he doesn't do well at all when he feels out of his element, incompetent or overwhelmed.  The house project is very stressful and overwhelming and he's doing things he's never done before (major plumbing and electrical work) and I've told him that I admire him for doing it~~I know nothing of either!  

Anyway... .  I get it.  His emotions and behavior are all over the place.  The rapid fire change from Jekyll to Hyde are almost unbelievable... .  but I get it.  I also get that he has an unstable concept of self and the stress we're under at the moment is making it worse for him.  Last night there were several things he said that disturbed me.  He said that he asked me to marry him because that would give me the security that I wanted.  I told him that he didn't have to marry me for me to love him and my feelings of security or insecurity were my responsibility.

A while later (after much cuddling and tender, loving words) he said that he tries so hard.  I asked him what he meant and he said that he really wants to be that person.  I just held him and said "you are... .  just be exactly as you want to be and you are that person."  He held me tighter and told me that he couldn't express just how much he loved me.  

My issue here is VALIDATION.  I didn't validate his feelings... .  I just didn't know how in that context.  Aside from the fact that it was nearly midnight and I was really tired so my brain wasn't functioning at it's optimum level, I'm just having a real difficult time validating.  

Any and all suggestions welcomed.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[laelle]

 

[Rainey]

  Rockylove

I am SO very new to this too.  I'm begining to wonder if I need to change my entire veiw of him? WHen we first met I saw a strong man who was in charge of his thoughts and ideas. He seemed to radiate extreme selfworth and selfesteem   

but as truth sets in a year later I wonder if I "look" at him as if he were a small boy? to hold his hand when he hurts? kiss his boo-boo when his ego is crushed? Just let him know daily and all day that he is loved? Never assuming that he already knows? I wonder if that would make the difference in day to day life with BPD?

[Rainey]

  AGAIN   

Here's a cute diagnosis... .  Hug Deprivation... .  and the cure is the 60 second hug. no talking. just holding for  60 seconds. I like it!  And this idea came from My BPD     Oh! and he says it is needed in GREAT quantities     Throughout the day 

[benny2]

Thats anawesome idea rainy, and one that you can both benefit from. I wish mine was more affectionate that way. It always has to be on his terms, which is not very often, otherwise he is cold as ice.

[Rainey]

I'm so sorry.  I'm sending hugs your way 

[maryy16]

Now that my BPDh is learning and coming to terms with his disorder, he will say things like "I'm crazy" and "I'm psycho" when he's feeling down and I'll just tell him that that no, he is a VERY good person (and he really is a great guy) who has a disease, no different than having a heart problem, diabetes, etc.  And like with any disease, he has to learn how to control it.

That seems to help him feel better about himself. 

[CodependentHusband]

Wow... .  I know that it's not healthy of me, but I wish I felt that needed by dBPDw. It's been quite a while since she expressed that kind of feeling towards me... .  She doesn't show me her vulnerable side anymore.

Of course, you realize that you can't fill the void. I think that all you can do is reassure him of how much you love him, but set a limit as to how much you are going to do that. Obviously, there should be some limits to how much you are going to do that. You can't let him do this for hours on end.

[Rockylove]

I just can't imagine what it must be like to ALWAYS have doom and gloom and feelings of inadequacy hanging over one's head.  I've experienced plenty of depressed times, but I'm a pretty happy person and have learned to build my self confidence in many ways.  He has not.  Not to say that he is always depressed... .  winters are especially bad for us both~~I'm surprised we haven't had more roller coaster rides than we've had!   

Anyway, before I left for work, I told him that I didn't want him to do anything because he thought I wanted him to... .  I don't want him to end up with resentment.  I told him that I love him~~I don't always love things he does, but it doesn't change my love for him.  Then of course I said... .  just like PeeWee (our Yorkie) we don't always love the things he does, but we still love him and we keep him around because that's what we do!  He got the most adorable cheesy grin after that 

[CodependentHusband]

 

Cool!