Using SET with success

[crazylife]

I decided to try this with my uBPDh and so far for 5 days it is working. And he is actually being nice and not devaluing... a welcome change. But it feels like I am playing a part and watching for a positive behavior response... .  like a science experiment. I can see right  past that pleasant nice exterior and know that one wrong move, word or gesture might blow it. I am cautiously enjoying the success but have been soo burned,  I dont think I will ever let me guard down. Anybody else feel like they can never let their guard down?

[briefcase]

I don't think of it so much as keeping my guard up, as just staying mindful.  SET is a wonderful communication tool, and not just for people with BPD.  I'm glad you are having some success with it.  Have you looked into DEARMAN, that's also a useful technique. 

[tuum est61]

Crazylife, it's good you are seeing some success with SET!

Could you provide some examples - ie the words you are using?

[waverider]

Keeping your guard up becomes subconcious, more of an underlying awareness.

Be careful to keep up the T part of SET, it is too easy to do the SE, and not finish it off. Thereby keeping the peace but not achieving progress.

SET will not be the answer to everything, often there is no answer, it just smooths out the ripples and lets YOU easy back on resentment.

It is always your choice whether to use it or not. Now that most of the conflict has dissipated from my RS I often choose not to, not sure why, maybe just to remind me that it is in fact my choice

[daze]

Crazylife,

I've been working on improving my communications skills - SET, DEARMAN, etc. - since January and it's has significantly improved the r/s with my uBPDh to the point where I went from Leaving to Undecided and we are actually enjoying each other again.  I definitely made things worse prior to finding this website.  I totally understand what you mean about it seeming like a science experiment. 

When I first started I wondered if I was being true to myself, if I was having to stuff too much, if it was manipulative.  Was I being authentic?  The others are right that it becomes second nature and it's useful in many relationships - bet it would come in very handy in nursing. The main thing is to remember the Truth part of SET and to follow through.

At the very least it might help make the next six months, or however long, much better.  I read your other post about your plans, etc.

Daze

[crazylife]

Yet another day with a pleasant man.I have been using SET when necessary at this point. My husband is not familiar with it so that helps.He is familiar with DBT and thinks it is   "stupid" and doesnt work... .  we  had to take a DBT class as our autistic son is in a residential hospital the uses DBT. Most of their kids are in foster care and   have been abused and neglected severely. They have a few kids like  our son but have found DBT works with them as well. My son is a DBT expert... .   literally could teach the class, so if son or hubby picked up on my using DBT skills... .  well it wouldnt be pretty.

I usually tel him I am sorry he had a specific experience, and how I sure would hate to be in is shoes... .  then I try and pull  the truth out of the story and frame it so he sees what I am trying to get him to see, usually what he is not seeing. its funny because he  might get a little miffed but he can turn it  right around and be ok  instead of going on forever...

I did however set him up to be a resuer, by accident. The gal that has done myhairfor a decade has had some serious hardships yet never complains. She has not had a stove for a year... .  at all... so I texted him and asked him to give her a stove, used, as we have a few always and he agreed. he was happy to get the recognition for helping her and I was glad to get her something too. I just hope I am not putting him in a bad place by doing this. Time will  tell.

[waverider]

Use SET all the time with everyone. Let it be the new you, you will become fluent and subtle at it without thinking about it. You will feel better for you

The three most powerful tools in dealing with BPD  are

SET

Acceptance

Boundaries

Just these three things used consistently with everyone as part of the new you, can have an enormous impact on the karma around you, and your own stability in general.

If you pay attention you will see members subconsciously using it with each other in posts here. This is why the atmosphere on this board is often better than on regular online forums where people are reactive and dig at each other. Yet we are offering our opinions on how each other should live our lives (dangerous ground in itself)

Keep it simple and dont try to be a therapist. Therapists get to walk away at the end of appointments after ruffling feathers!

[crazylife]

Thanks for the info... .  I am liking my life again, for  the first time in 5 years. I am also putting for a whole lot more effort and slowly taking the lead when things get stuck... We are spending lots more time together and just talking. He also has come out of his anger and black hole and is being funny and witty again.  I even have him on board to do a low glycemic diet with me... sort of... .  he will try my stuff and eat what he wants... .  

I am big on boundries and that has been hard on us as I am non  waivering with mine. I am trying to keep them but try a sneakier, slier approach... it probably isnt, I think most people think about everything more than I do.So if it requires preplanning my delivery it feels sneaky... .  Free spirit here, artist,,sometimes it  is a tough fit.

Now that I am more informed I am able to accept easily. I  am able to  separate the BPD  behavior for the man... .  I have spent the last 20 years learning behaviors with my son. I have had some practice. I am hopeful we will both get better at this.