I'm not okay with things.

[lostkitten]

Backstory here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=192945.msg12189797#msg12189797

After some crumbs tossed my way, and any communication being very curt and insensitive from him, I had to ask him to not try to be my friend. Our emotions are too raw, and i'm not alright with the way things ended.

Since then, I havent heard anything. Not a single thing. It's now sinking in that it's really over - even though it's been 4 months and we've both moved out.

I'm stunned, shell-shocked and I think perhaps its finally hitting me - we are no more. It's unreal for me, that he'd have "no doubts" and end things - and seemingly be okay with everything. He appears to me, and to everyone else who has seen/heard from him, he's alright with things. Me, on the other hand? I'm a wreck!

I want to reach out to him, to try to sit down and talk with him - but if he wouldnt even do that when we were splitting, how and why would he do it now? Why is it that, when this all came down from HIS problems and behavior, that i'm the one suffering?

[lockedout]

I'm still humbled by how hard it is to detach. If you look at my other postings, they vary  - some are when I was in a rough patch, but many of them are very positive. I've been out of the house since early January. The first couple of weeks were rough and depressing; sadness for the end of it and some pretty serious home sickness. Me and her clashed a few times. I gradually climbed out of it and reconnected with old friends, made some new ones, attended some support meetings, and I've gotten pretty heavy into running - just did a 5k this weekend. I'm probably in the best physical health I've been in for my whole adult life - I'm 38 and don't look a day over 28. I've been out on a few dates; I'm far from being ready to pursue a relationship but it's enough to give me hope and comfort that other women will take interest in me. I'm taking it in extreme moderation. People who only see me off and on say they've noticed a difference as I walk into a room.

On the flip side, there are a lot of triggers. I saw a bunch of old photos - including our wedding. I'm clearing my hard drive so I can re-format the hard drive since nothing seems to work right on my computer. On my run, there's a house along my route that has a lot of tress in the front yard. I't uncharacteristic of where I'm living now, but reminded me of the neighborhood I've been exiled from. I look at a house across the street that's being fixed up (they must have had animals living in it). I miss doing the yard work and the jacaranda tree in the front yard reminds me of the one in mine. I had to move some money around to get tires on my car. It hurts to see how I keep overdrawing on my accounts since I'm still paying my half of the mortgage plus rent at where I'm living now. I'll get to move to my condo in May which will ease the strain on finances and the equity in it (if she decides to play nice) can both wipe out much of my overhead but leave enough for her to start on a level playing field. I've always been conservative with money, but the  tight finances are mostly from things she insisted that we have: improvements to the condo, a house that went right to the limits of what we could afford, a nice lease vehicle that cost extra because it carried the negative equity of the previous car we could have done without. I went along with this with the idea that we'd be together forever. Now I don't get to go to the house (she changed the locks right after I left, I don't get to drive the car, and I really don't want to live in the condo again (I'm actually hoping to sell it before May, but not so badly that I want it to go cheap).

I just feel a lot of depression setting in - maybe I had a rush for a while with the running, dates, support, etc. On the other token I'm living in a room in a house, I'm alone, and I have a bunch of big bills for thing I could do without. The only permanent remedy will be if she's receptive to future divorce settlements - I'm not expecting her to be to cooperative - she'll be against anything that she doesn't propose.

[lostkitten]

I'm still humbled by how hard it is to detach. If you look at my other postings, they vary  - some are when I was in a rough patch, but many of them are very positive. I've been out of the house since early January. The first couple of weeks were rough and depressing; sadness for the end of it and some pretty serious home sickness. Me and her clashed a few times. I gradually climbed out of it and reconnected with old friends, made some new ones, attended some support meetings, and I've gotten pretty heavy into running - just did a 5k this weekend. I'm probably in the best physical health I've been in for my whole adult life - I'm 38 and don't look a day over 28. I've been out on a few dates; I'm far from being ready to pursue a relationship but it's enough to give me hope and comfort that other women will take interest in me. I'm taking it in extreme moderation. People who only see me off and on say they've noticed a difference as I walk into a room.

On the flip side, there are a lot of triggers. I saw a bunch of old photos - including our wedding. I'm clearing my hard drive so I can re-format the hard drive since nothing seems to work right on my computer. On my run, there's a house along my route that has a lot of tress in the front yard. I't uncharacteristic of where I'm living now, but reminded me of the neighborhood I've been exiled from. I look at a house across the street that's being fixed up (they must have had animals living in it). I miss doing the yard work and the jacaranda tree in the front yard reminds me of the one in mine. I had to move some money around to get tires on my car. It hurts to see how I keep overdrawing on my accounts since I'm still paying my half of the mortgage plus rent at where I'm living now. I'll get to move to my condo in May which will ease the strain on finances and the equity in it (if she decides to play nice) can both wipe out much of my overhead but leave enough for her to start on a level playing field. I've always been conservative with money, but the  tight finances are mostly from things she insisted that we have: improvements to the condo, a house that went right to the limits of what we could afford, a nice lease vehicle that cost extra because it carried the negative equity of the previous car we could have done without. I went along with this with the idea that we'd be together forever. Now I don't get to go to the house (she changed the locks right after I left, I don't get to drive the car, and I really don't want to live in the condo again (I'm actually hoping to sell it before May, but not so badly that I want it to go cheap).

I just feel a lot of depression setting in - maybe I had a rush for a while with the running, dates, support, etc. On the other token I'm living in a room in a house, I'm alone, and I have a bunch of big bills for thing I could do without. The only permanent remedy will be if she's receptive to future divorce settlements - I'm not expecting her to be to cooperative - she'll be against anything that she doesn't propose.

It sounds similar to my situation. I moved in January. I had a burst of energy or acceptance - had some extra money (which is now all gone) and took a few trips, got a fancy new haircut, bought some new "skinny" clothes (I've lost 35 pounds since the split!) and have gone on a few dates. Now, though, I feel a rut settling in. I would rather be at "our" apartment, eating take out on the couch with him, in sweats than going on these dates with successful and attractive dudes. I'd rather have not lost the weight and started to look really good again, or have taken the trips. I'm doing everything "right" to get through and past this - but it seems like a dark cloud is just hanging over my head. I guess we just need time, right?

[mango_flower]

Lostkitten... .  

Hi!  Stick around on this bit of the board, the people here are great

I think we can all relate to that feeling of confusion, numbness, and "what the hell happened"?

you thought you'd be with this person forever... .  you were never going to leave, and they sure as hell wouldn't, from the way they were acting!  And then they just go... .  

And it's like a bereavement.

It really is.

NOBODY seems to get it, unless they've been in a relationship with a BPD ex.

Everyone can't understand why you're not over it - sure, it's sad. But people have break ups every day.

But it's not the same!  They don't have the confusion, the crumbs, the painting black... .  it's excrutiatingly painful.

This board is the only place that really gets it, that I've found.

It feels good that other people understand.  And always make you feel heard.

I'm so sorry you're another casualty of this type of relationship.  You're not alone, and it damn well hurts, but you WILL be ok.  Promise.

[ScotisGone74]

We are the ones that have empathy, compassion, and ability to care.  I don't think that BPD's can have these feelings for themselves, so I don't believe that they can truly feel it for others.  :)espite what they may have said or did during parts of the relationship they never experience love in the same way that we do in my opinion.  True love gets stronger with time and it usually isn't something that happens in a couple weeks, exactly the opposite of what a BPD relationship is like.  No one that really loved us would purposely put us through so much torment and pain.  

[charred]

Mindfulness helped me to stop ruminating on her, was pointed toward Eckart Tolle's "A New Earth"... and that started me on it.

The hardest part was when I was dumped abruptly without explanation the first time... and she wouldnt talk to me, then the next time I saw her she was in the arms of one of my neighbors. I was suicidal... and... .  I was completely wrong about everything. I thought she was a good person, I thought she meant the things she said, I thought she was normal, I thought we were going to have a life together... and I had put her on a pedestal... when in fact she was a terribly immature, manipulator, with no conscious, and when she acted nice/alluring... it was an act, when she was strangely pathetic and clingy... it was part of who she really was, and when she raged and was hateful... .  that was the real girl I had fallen for. Took me 30 yrs to fully realize the truth.

You guys are right, no one that hasn't been through it gets it. These boards are a godsend.

[lockedout]

Lostkitten:

I think we're right at about the same stage. The worst of the worst is over - the rock bottom that we finally hit before we came to the acceptance that things would never go back to "how they were"; that this person is not going to wake up one morning, realize that they are at least 50% of the problem and find out what they need to do to change.

I don't know where I'd be with this forum. Before I found it I concentrated on a lot of Christian based logic on healing from this. I'm a firm believer, but just "praying", or "putting your trust" into God isn't quite enough.  A lot of people who advise you from this staNPDoint have a basic logic of "you have to fix it at all costs" because "divorce is a sin" and you don't want them to find out you're dating before any of that happens - even if you're just sidelining it for a while until you can learn to function on your own again. One guy was telling me to "keep pressing on" in one Christian based exercise I did before I left no matter how many red flags I was throwing out there.

Healing from this is a complex process and the rules that apply to non-BPD affected relationships don't fit into what we need to do. It's different for everyone. Me, lostkitten, and anyone else who is dating before "ready to date" or "should be dating" all know we probably shouldn't be just yet because we have to go through the healing process. But for some of us dating is part of the healing process.

I've only been out on a few dates, but I've so far learned that I can be found attractive and wanted. That someone will validate what I say. I've also learned a little about setting healthy boundaries. The first three things went away quickly after the honeymoon. The fourth I never did.