Support Online--Support or Emotional Vampire?

[Themis]

When we seek help online (not just here, not just on BPD) do you feel better or worse?

Sometimes it's nice to see support, feel validated, heard, not alone. The lessons are helpful. Some of the advice and insights can be like striking gold.

However:

-Do you also feel great sadness for the plight of others?

-Do you feel drained by the stories of failure, the similar stories to your own, and an occasional feeling of "look at all these people just like me---this is possibly hopeless."

-Do you feel the tough love, and constant self-examination exhausting?

-Do you feel like there is a lot of negativity and after spending a lot of time typing about the problem you feel worse rather than relief?

-How do you honesty feel the majority of times you complain, "vent", or focus on the issue?

-If you feel worse, rather than better---is it balanced out by good advice or lessons?

How much improvement do you feel after you go online with any issue and talk about it?

Years ago I didn't like "support" groups for depression, as the feeling of the boards was depressing!

What are the true feelings you have? (separate from gratitude or obligation/ expected answers)

What are the success stories for online upliftment?

Who has improved greatly from their time spent online?

Who feels even more stuck?

[waitaminute]

The greatest benefit I get is a shot of reality... .  taking the place of my otherwise closed and internal explanations of my BPD experience. To read the so similar experiences of others tells me that it's not an experience whose explanation needs the words "soulmate" or "true love". My previous sense of unconditional love has been replaced by a knowledge of codependency and trauma bonding. And the sad sad feelings of my failure to keep the relationship alive and healthy has been replaced with a sense of relief from the future misery of a one sided relationship, albeit with some sadness - apparently shared by many here - that some love story of mythical proportions was but an illusion.

Bittersweet. But liberating.

[heartandwhole]

I am not active on any other online forums at the moment, so I'll use bpdfamily.com as an example.  I have really felt supported here.  I've learned a ton and it has opened my eyes and my heart - to others and to myself.  There was a point in time not long ago when I had to spend A LOT less time on the site because people's stories were triggering me and making me feel worse.  Now I spend most of my time on this board as opposed to before when I spent most of my time on Leaving.  I also sometimes get triggered on another board and that is valuable information for me.  I think all of this is a normal process of recovery from a very difficult experience.

I have also felt slightly addicted to the boards, but that was during the initial stages when I was so desperate to understand what was happening to me.

I'm sure that some online communities can actually make things worse.  What I really appreciate about this community is that the focus is really on recovery, healing and change, instead of on how terrible everything has been.

Thanks for the opportunity to reflect on this!  

[MaybeSo]

I found a website a year before bpdfamily.com, and it was a support group for those who had loved ones with NPD or symptoms of it.

It did not have a lot of clinical research offered, it did not have workshops, or tools. It had weary members who felt horribly victimized, and the message was simply one of predator/prey.

Threads that involved self examination or personal reflection were discouraged or met with a hostile reaction. My sense was the atmosphere of victim identification was so strong and so closely guarded that any hint of ownership felt threatening. I recognized this was not a healthy place. Another member there sent me a link to bpdfamily.com, which provided a much more balanced and healthy format and much more in terms of life skills. I like to learn and grow, I had no interest in staying stuck in victimization long term.

bpdfamily.com in some ways provides very good group therapy, at no cost other than your time.

I do tire of it sometimes, like anything... .  there are times to step away, take a break, or move on.

[HarmKrakow]

I find it at points, making sense of your own madness. Sometimes you need validation of something which seems so rational when you look at it from a distance, but can't rationalize due to your emotions at the time. When posting that online for others to comment on that, you might create that insight, that 'eureka' moment in your brain rather than walking circles in your room and feeling down ... and down ... and more down ...

The second point I would like to show is the familiarity of our stories together. If we ever questioned our ex had BPD, and we share or read others stories, we realize, that somewhere, in London, Paris, New York, Arizona, wherever, is someone like us, going through the same pain, alone, thinking about ending it, depression, etc. That familiarity can create a bond

[Suzn]

Hi Themis   

Welcome to personal inventory. You ask some good questions. One I'd like to answer is yes there are success stories. You can read through some of them here: Success Stories

As far as the question in the title of your thread, I think that all depends on your perspective. It can be draining if you dwell on some of the really difficult situations some members are facing, while seeing them work through them can help us learn. The vast majority of the time this is a very supportive place, though sometimes it's important to challenge each other so that we can benefit from the collective insight and grow. That's why we are all here, right? Sometimes this can feel uncomfortable but we can help each other through.

In the spirit of personal inventory, I'd like to hear your answers to all these questions.

[Themis]

Hi Themis   

Welcome to personal inventory. You ask some good questions. One I'd like to answer is yes there are success stories. You can read through some of them here: Success Stories


In the spirit of personal inventory, I'd like to hear your answers to all these questions.

I have to admit something I share with my pwBPD is that even in the nicest possible way, I wince at being pushed or told what to do.

Even nicely!

Sorry, I know that's a quirk, but it just weirds me out.

I was going to answer these, but I feel pressure now. Sorry, I know that's my problem.

[Suzn]

I'm sorry you're feeling pressured, I can see how you might feel that way. I was curious, you chose the direction of each question and there seems to be a common theme. So can I ask if maybe there was something more specific you'd care to discuss?

[Themis]

Ok, I will answer them in this spirit of sharing:

Do you also feel great sadness for the plight of others?

Do you feel drained by the stories of failure, the similar stories to your own, and an occasional feeling of "look at all these people just like me---this is possibly hopeless."

I have depression, and feel bogged down by most of the stories. A lot of them are sad, and I have a lot of empathy for people.It's good to relate, and I like having things in common with others. It's just such a sad thing.I also feel people took the time to write to me or reply to my depressing stories, so I want to give them the same time and validation that they gave to me.

Sometimes it does seem like even the people that are married or still with the pwBPD that they had to give up a lot of themselves or make such sacrifice or endure silent treatments, possible cheating, or periods without love or affection. This made me feel like even after using all the lessons that these relationships are life-consuming and might take decades to get into a good spot.

If they are not loving me back or filling my own needs, this sounds like a huge act of masochism. It did not make me feel hopeful.

It's like the relationship version of a high tension career. And there is no guarantee after all that work that they won't just discard you anyway. This already happened to me after years, so I know my pwBPD is capable of being as fickle as a flick of a coin.

-Do you feel the tough love, and constant self-examination exhausting?

Yes. I feel the lessons don't fully cover silent treatment, or what to do when they don't communicate with you or tell you anything.

I also feel that all the work I have to do on myself is needed, but would be easier to do if I had someone doing it with me.

I'm pushing a boulder up a huge hill here.

-Do you feel like there is a lot of negativity and after spending a lot of time typing about the problem you feel worse rather than relief?

Yes. I had to back off when I felt that my venting was just making me feel worse. I also get a sense of peace. I have recently gotten some great insights, helpful answers, and maybe solutions. So that keeps me coming back. If I find myself in a circle again, I might have to throw in the towel on my complaining.

-How do you honesty feel the majority of times you complain, "vent", or focus on the issue?

-If you feel worse, rather than better---is it balanced out by good advice or lessons?



Answered above.

How much improvement do you feel after you go online with any issue and talk about it?

Years ago I didn't like "support" groups for depression, as the feeling of the boards was depressing!

What are the true feelings you have? (separate from gratitude or obligation/ expected answers)

What are the success stories for online upliftment?

Who has improved greatly from their time spent online?

Who feels even more stuck?



All pretty much covered above. I am getting a lot of ouf the support here, answers, and learning things/having insights. I am also triggered, bogged down, focusing on the issue, and depressed by it at the same time. Other forums were the pits. At least here is a balance of help and depression here.

[Suzn]

Ok, I will answer them in this spirit of sharing:

Do you also feel great sadness for the plight of others?

Do you feel drained by the stories of failure, the similar stories to your own, and an occasional feeling of "look at all these people just like me---this is possibly hopeless."

I have depression, and feel bogged down by most of the stories. A lot of them are sad, and I have a lot of empathy for people.It's good to relate, and I like having things in common with others. It's just such a sad thing.I also feel people took the time to write to me or reply to my depressing stories, so I want to give them the same time and validation that they gave to me.

Sometimes it does seem like even the people that are married or still with the pwBPD that they had to give up a lot of themselves or make such sacrifice or endure silent treatments, possible cheating, or periods without love or affection. This made me feel like even after using all the lessons that these relationships are life-consuming and might take decades to get into a good spot.

If they are not loving me back or filling my own needs, this sounds like a huge act of masochism. It did not make me feel hopeful.

It's like the relationship version of a high tension career. And there is no guarantee after all that work that they won't just discard you anyway. This already happened to me after years, so I know my pwBPD is capable of being as fickle as a flick of a coin.

I'm certain the support you give back is much appreciated Themis. However, everyone needs a break from time to time, that's normal and healthy. Yes, I think you are right, a lot of the relationships in Staying can be risky. However, any relationship out there can be risky for many of the reasons you stated, BPD or not. There are no guarantees in any relationship. However, believe it or not, when you work on you, diligently, you gain confidence. Working on communication skills and conflict resolution makes a big difference in any relationship, not just the romantic ones.

-Do you feel the tough love, and constant self-examination exhausting?

Yes. I feel the lessons don't fully cover silent treatment, or what to do when they don't communicate with you or tell you anything.

I also feel that all the work I have to do on myself is needed, but would be easier to do if I had someone doing it with me.

I'm pushing a boulder up a huge hill here.

Yes, the silent treatment sucks, no two ways about it. Unfortunately, learning to allow someone their space is important. You can't "make" someone talk when they don't want to and it makes it worse if you try to force it doesn't it? I'm sorry this feels like such a struggle, it IS work. You can do it alone Themis, think about it, you are the only one who truly knows what you feel inside, so you are the only one that can make changes in you. You do have supporters here so you aren't really alone.

-Do you feel like there is a lot of negativity and after spending a lot of time typing about the problem you feel worse rather than relief?

Yes. I had to back off when I felt that my venting was just making me feel worse. I also get a sense of peace. I have recently gotten some great insights, helpful answers, and maybe solutions. So that keeps me coming back. If I find myself in a circle again, I might have to throw in the towel on my complaining.

Yep, it's a fact-too much venting will make you feel worse. It's called "pilling on." Let's say something happens at work that makes you mad, you get busy and forget about what happened, you feel better, then you start thinking about it on the way home and get mad all over again after you had cooled down about it earlier. This workshop can help you with this: US: Venting - is it healthy or unhealthy?

-How do you honesty feel the majority of times you complain, "vent", or focus on the issue?

-If you feel worse, rather than better---is it balanced out by good advice or lessons?



Answered above.

How much improvement do you feel after you go online with any issue and talk about it?

Years ago I didn't like "support" groups for depression, as the feeling of the boards was depressing!

What are the true feelings you have? (separate from gratitude or obligation/ expected answers)

What are the success stories for online upliftment?

Who has improved greatly from their time spent online?

Who feels even more stuck?



All pretty much covered above. I am getting a lot of ouf the support here, answers, and learning things/having insights. I am also triggered, bogged down, focusing on the issue, and depressed by it at the same time. Other forums were the pits. At least here is a balance of help and depression here.

I'm really glad you feel you are getting support here. We're glad you're here. When you feel triggered, bogged down or depressed by what you read or what you are working through take a break. That is part of taking care of you Themis. 

[arabella]

Themis - I've felt many of the same things you have. I'm still trying to sort out my own mind on many of these issues. Some days I read the boards and start to rethink all of my choices. Sometimes I get really depressed and discouraged. That said, I'm definitely grateful for this community because I'm pretty sure I would have had a complete nervous breakdown (seriously) by now if it hadn't been for these boards!

I hope you continue to post here - I've been one of the people appreciating your input! That said, you need to take care of yourself first, so if it gets to be too much then definitely take a break. Thanks for sharing with us!