More confused than ever...

[Aimee12]

Confused is an understatement really. I first wrote on this site last November as was finding it hard to let go and move on from my exwBPD. Since then it did get worse before it got better and I have recently been making progress in myself to move on and feel that it is the right thing that we are apart.

I obviously still care for him (for the person I met anyway) and was having a low, lonely, sad day but I broke 5 weeks of NC last Friday to find out how he was feeling (he had previously told me he had cancer back in October but then never mentioned it again!). So I text to find out if he was o.k. but it quickly resorted to crap again with him going over the past with the "you said this, you did this and I blame you for all the negatives in my life". Then the last text I got from him on Saturday said quote "if you don't stop contacting me I will be forced to take out some sort of a restraining order out on you". I was in shock. It was the shock I needed though. I really thought that would be it. So I didn't text back and felt sure he wouldn't contact me again. I was secretly relieved if I'm honest. But about an hour ago I get another text from him saying "can I ask you something that has been bothering me".

I know it's all part of the mind games but I am soo confused. I still have compassion even after everything and probably want to help (my co-dependent issues coming through right there). I haven't replied but just don't know where I am.

Any advice welcome

Thx

[hithere]

What do you have to gain from being in contact with him?

He already threatened to report you to the authorities, that would probably be embarrassing but does part of you want him back?  If you do stay in contact there will be a high chance of a recycle.

You are probably looking for some closure... .  but you won't find it with a person with BPD, you will just get blamed and raged on.

My advice to you is to write out a list of deal-breakers that made you leave in the first place and never talk to him again.

good luck

[Surnia]

Aimee

So sorry to hear about your confusion. And yes, I would be confused too receiving first treat about RO and than a simple question... .  sounds like very controlling behaviour from his side IMO.

I am not someone advocating NC in any case. In your case I would recommend you to stay NC. Yes, sometimes we have times it gets difficult. Perhaps you can so something for you that brings you distraction, pleasure.

Hope this helps a little bit.

[rogerroger]

You are probably looking for some closure... .  but you won't find it with a person with BPD, you will just get blamed and raged on.

This is exactly what my therapist has told me, as well.

[recoil]

The threat of a restraining order would keep me from contacting them.  Plain and simple.

[Aimee12]

Thanks for your responses. Really helps.

@hithere - you're right, I have nothing to gain from being in contact with him. It has not done me any good to date. I have no desire to get back with him and you're right again in that I have probably wanted some sort of closure/some answers to the hell that I've feel like been in for the last 18 months. I've had to realise that I'll never get the closure or answers which conjures up all sorts of emotions for me. The list of deal breakers is a useful one and I have created a list as long as my arm. Thanks for your advice and posing questions.

@Surnia - I'm glad it's not just me that can see that it is quite controlling. Restraining order one minute, casual question the next. That's what he does and I have been sucked into it all for so long. Desperately trying to break free from that.

@recoil - yes the threat of a restraining order is having the same effect on me. But have been so "in it" that sometimes it's hard to think clearly.

I think the casual text yesterday was just testing the waters, putting a "feeler" text out there to see if he had crossed the line with the restraining order comment he made on Saturday.

I'm glad I posted yesterday as really felt I needed to create some distance to me sending an reactionary response straight back, because that's what I've been so used to doing. Am trying to break the pattern and haven't replied. It is on my mind constantly but I'd rather that at the moment.

Thanks again

Aimee