How do we fix the need to fix?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Clearmind asked a great question in another thread.  Since it's about to hit the fourth page (and be locked), I thought I'd start a fresh topic. 

For the past two months, I just decided to stop.  I can recognize when I'm about to "help" someone.  My T called me a chump.  Straight up.  A chump.  Well, I didn't want to be a chump anymore.  Interesting motivation.

Examples:

When I was with my ex a couple of months ago, she kept talking about needing a fence (she impulsively bought a new puppy).  The old me would have "made it happen".  I would have dived into my pocketbook and spent thousands.  New me?  Told her to budget buying pieces at a time and I'd help her install them.

One day she left her dog in a crate by all the windows on a very sunny day.  I asked if she was going to put water in there for the dog.  She said no.  I shut my mouth.  Days later, she needed to take the dog to the vet for extreme dehydration.  It was a $600 bill when it was all said and done.  She griped about it left and right.  The old me?  ":)on't worry hun.  I got this."  The new me?  Never offered to help her with it.  Admittedly, I feel bad about this one, because I should have been adamant about getting the dog water.  The dog shouldn't have suffered because she has no empathy.  That was me walking on egg shells (no more by the way).

A new friend has been complaining about lack of sleep.  I dabble a little with herbs and supplements (legal mind you) and felt the need to help her with this problem.  New me?  Shut my mouth.  She didn't ask me for help.  I bought my daughter a pink noise generator to help with her sleep.  I almost bought two.  New me?  Bought one.  Let my new friend buy her own, if she's so inclined.

An old friend is going through the beginnings of a divorce.  I feel inclined to help her out.  She was a good friend of my late wife.  With a wave of my hand, I could take away her financial worries until after the divorce.  New me?  I will listen and be there as a friend -- but that's it.

For the first time ever, my brother told me he was feeling blue.  Well, he's my brother.  He gets anything he wants - unconditionally. 

I read the book, Let Go Now - Embracing Detachment.  I'm practicing it now. 

[recoil]

Clearmind asked a great question in another thread.  Since it's about to hit the fourth page (and be locked), I thought I'd start a fresh topic. 

For the past two months, I just decided to stop.  I can recognize when I'm about to "help" someone.  My T called me a chump.  Straight up.  A chump.  Well, I didn't want to be a chump anymore.  Interesting motivation.

Examples:

When I was with my ex a couple of months ago, she kept talking about needing a fence (she impulsively bought a new puppy).  The old me would have "made it happen".  I would have dived into my pocketbook and spent thousands.  New me?  Told her to budget buying pieces at a time and I'd help her install them.

One day she left her dog in a crate by all the windows on a very sunny day.  I asked if she was going to put water in there for the dog.  She said no.  I shut my mouth.  Days later, she needed to take the dog to the vet for extreme dehydration.  It was a $600 bill when it was all said and done.  She griped about it left and right.  The old me?  ":)on't worry hun.  I got this."  The new me?  Never offered to help her with it.  Admittedly, I feel bad about this one, because I should have been adamant about getting the dog water.  The dog shouldn't have suffered because she has no empathy.  That was me walking on egg shells (no more by the way).

A new friend has been complaining about lack of sleep.  I dabble a little with herbs and supplements (legal mind you) and felt the need to help her with this problem.  New me?  Shut my mouth.  She didn't ask me for help.  I bought my daughter a pink noise generator to help with her sleep.  I almost bought two.  New me?  Bought one.  Let my new friend buy her own, if she's so inclined.

An old friend is going through the beginnings of a divorce.  I feel inclined to help her out.  She was a good friend of my late wife.  With a wave of my hand, I could take away her financial worries until after the divorce.  New me?  I will listen and be there as a friend -- but that's it.

For the first time ever, my brother told me he was feeling blue.  Well, he's my brother.  He gets anything he wants - unconditionally. 

I read the book, Let Go Now - Embracing Detachment.  I'm practicing it now. 

[hellnback]

Good book. I'm reading it now.

I like how it says that to love someone means to let them be who the are.

I wonder if our need to fix is actually our need to control? I feel obligated to help others but now I'm starting to think it's more for me that it is for them.

[recoil]

I've also read the book, White Knight Syndrome.

Like everything thing else, there are different types of rescuers.  Some may rescue for control, to compensate for poor self-esteem, to earn love instead of receiving it -- and others may rescue for altruistic reasons (there are more reasons too).

I liked this particular summarized passage:

Even healthy people need help sometimes.  A healthy relationship involves balance and reciprocity.  Neither partner is always the rescuer; neither is always in need [red flag if you begin to see this pattern.]  Balanced rescuing is altruistic; the motivation is to help and support your partner, not bolster your self-esteem or hide your weaknesses.  Because the balanced rescuer also has healthy empathy, he/she is able to rescue in a manner that does not diminish the partner's self esteem.

And another:

As a white knight, the person you rescue is, in part, experienced as an extension of yourself.  This leads you to disregard your own inner conflicts, interferes with your ability to accurately assess your own or your partner's behavior, and obscures determining whose needs are really being satisfied.  Gaining self-perspective requires that you observe and evaluate who you are in a relationship, and discover what you actually need and seek for yourself.

Since you cannot rescue yourself through a proxy, you will have to let go of your unhealthy relationship to become aware of what you really need.   [Love this statement]

There is a lot more wisdom in the book.

[rogerroger]

I have also often been a chump.

I have also been guilty of "overhelping" and had the misfortune of getting involved with someone who was a master of the implied request (e.g., She: "I have a headache" Me: "I'll get you a Tylenol" She: "I'm too exhausted to clean the stove and it's really disgusting" Me: "Oh don't worry, I can do it - it will only take a few minutes." etc.) But in my case, not satisfying the implied request often resulted in rage or accusation (Me: "Why don't you take a Tylenol?" She: "God, I can't believe what a self-centered ass you are! Here I am in agony and you won't even lift a finger to get me a damned Tylenol? You need help!"

[slimmiller]

Bada bing... .  Spot on recoil!    


It feels kinda like where I am at. My fear (as elements of FOG come and go) is that I am becoming too 'un-empathetic'. But mostly its about me now, not her.

Guess fundamentaly are we becoming healthier? Because at times I still want to just follow the old reflexes and say, 'I got it'  That was so the norm for me and not only because of the FOG but because I was raised to just automatically 'man up' for a female and do what needs done. (I was raised Amish).

I even at times just totally leave this board and stop reading and doing research on it. I can not fix her and my only motivation any more is to have an idea where and how she will fully crash to better be able to take care of the kids we had between us. As my brother told me recently, "How much more do you need to know?"

[Katy-Did]

Someone on this site recently told the story of Saint Martin's cloak.  Martin, a Roman soldier, came upon a beggar who was cold.  Rather than giving his cloak away, Martin cut it in two and gave half to the beggar. 

I believe most of us "fixer" types would have done the former having little regard for our own needs. 

[Wendell]

Recoil,

Thank you for your thread.  I'm working on this aspect of myself, the need, compulsion, whatever you want to call it to fix and rescue.  I've disregarded my own feelings and needs my entire life, always placing the focus on the other people in my life, my exH, my children, friends, family, even my job has gotten all of my attention/energy.  We are told that we must love ourselves before we can ever fully nurture a healthy relationship with someone else, I'm trying so hard to practice that now in my own life.  It's difficult.  It's not natural for me to say, "Faith, you deserve to be happy, you deserve to have someone meet you halfway", easier said than done, it's easier for me to look after others.  I'm working on trying to enjoy being alone with myself and finding what makes me happy as opposed to finding what makes everyone else happy.  Difficult.  It's a change of attitude completely.  And being a fixer, rescuer is a control issue, something I recognize unfortunately in myself.  I believe I rescue to be loved in return, sad to admit but I need to be honest.  I want the approval and love of another more than I desire to take care of me, to the extent of giving and giving without receiving much in return at times.  And I haven't really questioned that in the past.  I'm working very hard to change that now.

I'm glad you are finding Let Go Now- Embracing Detachment supportive and helpful.  I too continue to read from it each day and have found so much comfort from it.  I will be looking for White Knight Syndrome, it sounds like it's awesome as well.

Thank you again!