Is Anyone Happy?

[lilyz3235]

I have recently just been through my BPDbf's most recent "push" attempt. I'm still recovering and I feel as though I've just about reached my breaking point in the relationship.

On the surface our relationship seems good, but there is turbulance beneath. I'm not quite sure if I will be happy here for the rest of my life.

My BPD sometimes uses words that depersonalize people. For example - instead of using the names of people in his contact list on his phone he'll use words that he associates with them - his boss is listed as "Boss", mom & dad are listed as "Home", his friends are all listed by their professions and I'm listed as "neighbour" (we were neighbours before we started dating). It bothers me that he doesn't list people BY THEIR NAMES. I see it as a way of depersonalizing people or making them less human. It really upsets me. People are people... .  with names and feelings... .  

I also suspect that he probably has sexual indiscretions during his "rocky" times. I'm not "threatened" by these potential other women and I don't really have any concrete proof anyway. The reason I'm not threatened is because #1 we have a pretty open relationship and #2 I believe he is pretty much incapable of forming any emotional bonds or attachments to these potential "other women"... .  I jusworry that his risky behaviour may put me at risk if you know what I mean... .  A few days ago I found a woman's hair clip in his suitcase (he travels for work and has a pretty good job). I asked him about it and he told me he had "no idea where it came from". I don't believe him but there's really no point in arguing about it.

It actually creeps me out more than anything else. He has always been sexually promisuous (exactly the opposite of me). When we first got together I found a drawer full of women's hair clips/pins/etc. It was almost like he was collecting them from his "conquests" as trophies. It really freaked me out. It's almost serial killer like... .  Anyway, I threw them out and he didn't seem upset about it but I don't know what to do... .  He is seriously mentally ill I fear.

I guess what I'm asking is - Is anyone happy in their relationship with their BPD? Am I working on something that will constantly be a struggle? Is it worth it? Anyone else in the same boat? Should I cut my losses and leave?

[4now]

I guess what I'm asking is - Is anyone happy in their relationship with their BPD? Am I working on something that will constantly be a struggle? Is it worth it? Anyone else in the same boat? Should I cut my losses and leave?

To be completely honest, not really happy.  I guess you just survive.  There are good times, but there are many, many bad and frustrating, want to pull your hair out times.  There are other times when I get so drug down by all of it that I start thinking life just isn't worth it (these moments are very fleeting for me now, but used to be a big issue for me-depression, for sure). I mention this because you will be sharing your life with this person and it will affect you somehow. It WILL be a constant struggle.  It is worth it?  That's a decision only you can make, but you say some things that are BIG HUGE RED FLAGS!

There seems to be a certain emotional disconnect that I am sensing. Are you really okay if he's sleeping with other women?  You say you aren't threatened by them, but is that really behavior you can accept?  Just because you don't accept it doesn't mean you are threatened by them. I think the opposite would be true.

You mention the hair clip you found.  You know that he used to keep them as trophies.  So was it from before or from now?  You probably won't know for sure.

It sounds to me like you are maybe trying to be "okay" with how things are, even though you really aren't.  A more productive approach would be to you find out what you want and need and be true to that, instead of just trying to figure out how to be okay with his behaviors.   

[lilyz3235]

4now. You're right. I am tring to just be OK with his behaviour. I'm not OK with him being dishonest, sneeking around and basically disrespecting me. I'm putting up with it because I love him. I don't think I can sacrafice my needs for much longer... .  this is incredibly sad for me  :'(

[Cloudy Days]

Am I happy? I can't say that I am happy but I do have my moments. I think it's getting better the longer he stays in treatment. I went through an eye opening, something has to change period, if I hadn't had that moment of clarity I truly feel like I would be at my breaking point now. I was to the point where I didn't care what happend it was just so bad. What's important to me is that I am not forcing the treatment on him.

My husband does some of the same things with his phone too. He has me listed as Wife, and has occasionally changed it when he is splitting me to other not so nice names. for his brother he has Bro and for other family members if they have some sort of nick name he uses that instead of their actual name. The other people don't really annoy me, I just figured he doesn't want people to pick up his phone and know who certain people are. He's very paranoid. I have changed my name in his phone to cute names and he will leave it for sevral months but I think when he is fighting with me on the phone he sees the cute name and changes it according to how he feels.

[4now]

 

I am sorry-it sucks!

I am sure you love him, but have you thought about it being like an addiction?  I read that the other day and it hit a major nerve with me.  Love is unconditional for sure, but it has to go both ways.  

You deserve better than this!  I am chuckling to myself because I have been majorly disrespected and lied to this week and know I deserve better, but making that final decision to end it is easier said than done.

I would suggest a boundary for yourself.  This is what I did.  We had a major talk about lying and that there can be no trust from me to him if he lies to me.  He says he can't trust me to tell me the truth. It is circular with no end, but he finally agreed.  I truly can't move forward knowing that he is lying and thinks its okay.  I had this huge Aha moment yesterday when I realized that we have no trust and that is the foundation of any good relationship. So elementary, but I had missed it totally.  

I have vowed that if he disrespects me and lies to me again, it's over.  Without the basic precept that we can trust each other, then we really have no business together.  How do you think you can set a boundary to keep his behavior from hurting you?  

[briefcase]

These relationships take work, no doubt.  In my case, it was worth the work and I am happy (at least right now).   

[lilyz3235]

Thanks everyone. I have an appointment with my therapist tonight so I will definitely be discussing where my boundaries are and how to communicate them to my BPDbf.

In a way, I sometimes see this as a blessing (as messed up as it sounds). This situation has given me the opportunity to grow and learn about myself. I just hope that he will respect my boundaries once they are stated.

[Hardliver]

Are you having sex with this man? STDs? Get a full work up both for yourself and him. This is not an unreasonable request given his admitted past and your current evidence. USE PROTECTION. Your attitude toward his probable extracurriculars not with standing, this is important if your sleeping with him.

[tuum est61]

I just hope that he will respect my boundaries once they are stated.

Keep in mind that the initial/best boundaries in a relationship involving BPD do not require the participation/support/agreement of the person with BPD.  

They are actions you can implement regardless of their response.  

As for me, I am happy that I've established boundaries - "happiness" is yet to come - I dont know if it will come with staying or leaving.  

[TigerEye]

4now. You're right. I am tring to just be OK with his behaviour. I'm not OK with him being dishonest, sneeking around and basically disrespecting me. I'm putting up with it because I love him. I don't think I can sacrafice my needs for much longer... .  this is incredibly sad for me  :'(

Hey lilyz3235

Sounds to me like you are doing what I was doing, trying to be ok with their behavior means that you are trying to live by their values, not your own. My strength came from looking again at my values to make sure I was happy that they were true, and then ask what was stopping me from living by them? Answer = ME!

Boundaries are the first step, set up in your mind what you are willing to accept and the consequences of those boundaries being crossed, but then you have to follow through or they will be seen as hollow threats and the behavior will continue, you have to accept that if the issue is truly important to you then you may have to let the r/s go (I'm reminding myself of this just now).

The answer to "happy?" will be inside you, and at least you are looking, I hope all goes well with your T tonight.

As for me, I am happy that I've established boundaries - "happiness" is yet to come - I dont know if it will come with staying or leaving. 

That's where I'm trying to get to now.

These relationships take work, no doubt.  In my case, it was worth the work and I am happy (at least right now).   

That's where I would so love to be. I don't mind putting in the work on me, I just need my SO to do her bit on her.

... .  this is incredibly sad for me  :'(

And yes, it will make us sad, these are people we love after all.

[tuum est61]

I also suspect that he probably has sexual indiscretions during his "rocky" times. I'm not "threatened" by these potential other women and I don't really have any concrete proof anyway. The reason I'm not threatened is because #1 we have a pretty open relationship and #2 I believe he is pretty much incapable of forming any emotional bonds or attachments to these potential "other women"... .  

Does your "pretty open relationship" work both ways? 

[rosannadanna]

Hey lillyz! 

TigerEye said:

Sounds to me like you are doing what I was doing, trying to be ok with their behavior means that you are trying to live by their values, not your own. My strength came from looking again at my values to make sure I was happy that they were true, and then ask what was stopping me from living by them? Answer = ME!

Boundaries are the first step, set up in your mind what you are willing to accept and the consequences of those boundaries being crossed, but then you have to follow through or they will be seen as hollow threats and the behavior will continue, you have to accept that if the issue is truly important to you then you may have to let the r/s go (I'm reminding myself of this just now).

The answer to "happy?" will be inside you, and at least you are looking,

I agree that this must be figured out first and it will help you move forward more successfully in any relationship.

Once you figure out what your values and boundaries are, you will feel stronger, more defined as a person.  You will be able to compare others' values to yours and it will help you figure out if you want the person/relationship in your life.

Regarding this dude, his promiscuity might be how he acts out the BPD trait of risk taking and filling emptiness.  But promiscuity itself is not neccessarily a direct trait of BPD.  This is where you need to dissect him a little and figure out what is BPD and what is character traits/value system in general.  We all have character traits and a value/belief system based on our innate temperement combined with environmental influences.  This dude seems to need to objectify people, especially women (that means you too).  The "why" may be interesting to probe, but not required.  What is required is to think back to what you want in a relationship based on your values and boundaries and see if his values line up with yours.  If they don't line up, then you can choose to walk or figure out how to be happy in this relationship.   

[lilyz3235]

Lots of food for thought here:

tuum est61 - yes, our "pretty open relationship" works both ways but I could take it or leave it. The option is there for me, but I don't use it.

TigerEye - Thanks for your words. I appreciate them and I'm actually working with a therapist right now to figure out what my true values are and what my limits would be. I am coming to terms with the fact that the r/s may need to end but I won't know until I #1 know what I want and #2 talk to my bf about it.

I feel as though we (those of us in r/s with BPs) tend to focus so much on THEM and THEIR needs that when it comes to thinking about what WE want we simply don't know anymore. It's exhausting

rosannadanna - I agree that I need to figure out if his promiscuity is a result of his BPD or if it is just a trait that he has. I'm not sure how this can be determined but I'll hopefully gather some insight here 

[rosannadanna]

Lillyz,

He was promiscuous in the past and you have suspicions of his infedelity currently while in a relationship with you.  You are bothered by your feeling of mistrust; I imagine you feel "off kilter" and that can't feel good.

You said:

I agree that I need to figure out if his promiscuity is a result of his BPD or if it is just a trait that he has.

If he is BPD, then his promiscuity is his coping mechanism for feelings of emptiness and boredom that falls into the "risk-taking" category.  So yes, it is a result of his BPD.  The point I was trying to make in my earlier post was that based on his general character and value system, he chose frequent, nonintimate sex as his coping mechanism, whereas another pwBPD might choose to have several platonic female friends, have a ton of Facebook friends, or go to a coffee shop every morning to interact with friends there (these are all my SO's current ways of filling emptiness).  To be fair, your bf's promiscuity might have been a phase or a tempory way of coping rather than a fixed coping behavior. 

In the three years between his divorce and meeting me, my SO did have promiscuous sex and we have talked extensively about it being his "sowing his oats" since he had never been with anyone except his ex-wife and that it was a pretty typical post-divorce phase.  We both agreed early in the relationship that if either of us were interested in someone else, we would disclose this to the other as opposed to not saying anything and increasing the chance of infidelity to occur.  He has actually stuck to the agreement.  While being devalued and dumped b/c he was interested in someone else was painful at the time, I know now that it was his way of coping with being deeply triggered by our destructive relationship patterns. It meant something that he was true to his word (a reflection of his value system).  Even though pwBPD have an unstable sense of who they are and have severly maladaptive coping skills, they have a set of morals and values just like everybody else that they generally live by.

See the difference?

 

[BillTheCat]

To be completely honest, not really happy.  I guess you just survive.  There are good times, but there are many, many bad and frustrating, want to pull your hair out times.  There are other times when I get so drug down by all of it that I start thinking life just isn't worth it (these moments are very fleeting for me now, but used to be a big issue for me-depression, for sure).

This is exactly how I feel... .  the good times are good, but I'm constantly on 'eggshells' that a blow up is just around the corner.  Living this shellshocked life is miserable, and I feel like I'm just trying to survive from day to day.

I'm beginning to come to the realization that this is as good as it will probably get with a BPD-er.

[tuum est61]

To be completely honest, not really happy.  I guess you just survive.  There are good times, but there are many, many bad and frustrating, want to pull your hair out times.  There are other times when I get so drug down by all of it that I start thinking life just isn't worth it (these moments are very fleeting for me now, but used to be a big issue for me-depression, for sure).

This is exactly how I feel... .  the good times are good, but I'm constantly on 'eggshells' that a blow up is just around the corner.  Living this shellshocked life is miserable, and I feel like I'm just trying to survive from day to day.

I'm beginning to come to the realization that this is as good as it will probably get with a BPD-er.

Bill, You can get to a point where you aren't walking on eggshells and it will be better than where you are now.  You can be "happier" if not "happy."

All journeys start with the first step. What steps have you taken that change things - steps that aren't over eggshells and might leave you feeling happier? 

[whereisthezen]

Happy? As in real happiness? Right now, no.