How to return his things?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

My uBPDxbf and I broke up 5 weeks ago and we have been NC ever since. Things had been rotten for a while and I was kind of expecting it to be the end. As I was healing I was less and less able to tolerate his BPD behavior. To protect myself and keep my self respect became more important than staying with him.

I haven't cried much, it feels as though I have already grieved losing him through the process of coming to terms with BPD and that it was all really just an illusion. It's like I woke up from a bad dream and as I was incapacitated before, now I could act. I seem to fluctuate between feeling OK and feeling a lot of anger and frustration. He has made my life hell and left a lot of wreckage that I am having to tidy up. What feels the absolute worst is that he has smeared my name to people who only know of me, but with whom I have little to no chance of clearing my name.

But I digress. I have a need to gain back as much of my own self respect and that of others as I possibly can. He broke me, and I want for him to see that I am not the way he described me. Not for him, but because it makes me feel that much better about myself.

There are some things at my house that are his. I am sure he has forgotten about them, for now, but I know at least one of these items has sentimental value to him. The problem is that I do not want to contact him under any circumstances, or go out of my way for him. In the past, whether true or not, he would always perceive any attempt to contact him as chasing him. Any reason I had to make contact he just saw as a pretense. I am sure he is expecting me to contact him in one way or another this time as well. He used to tell me he even wanted me to call him, so that he would get a chance to reject me again. I just don't want to give him that satisfaction. I need for him to understand nothing that can make me contact him again. But when he realizes there's still stuff of his at my house, he will think I am only holding onto it to keep him in my life. That is not the case at all, but I have no idea how to get his things out of here without having to contact him or seem to be trying to. I wish there was a way to get his things to him and make a statement in the process.

[mitti]

Hi all,

My uBPDxbf and I broke up 5 weeks ago and we have been NC ever since. Things had been rotten for a while and I was kind of expecting it to be the end. As I was healing I was less and less able to tolerate his BPD behavior. To protect myself and keep my self respect became more important than staying with him.

I haven't cried much, it feels as though I have already grieved losing him through the process of coming to terms with BPD and that it was all really just an illusion. It's like I woke up from a bad dream and as I was incapacitated before, now I could act. I seem to fluctuate between feeling OK and feeling a lot of anger and frustration. He has made my life hell and left a lot of wreckage that I am having to tidy up. What feels the absolute worst is that he has smeared my name to people who only know of me, but with whom I have little to no chance of clearing my name.

But I digress. I have a need to gain back as much of my own self respect and that of others as I possibly can. He broke me, and I want for him to see that I am not the way he described me. Not for him, but because it makes me feel that much better about myself.

There are some things at my house that are his. I am sure he has forgotten about them, for now, but I know at least one of these items has sentimental value to him. The problem is that I do not want to contact him under any circumstances, or go out of my way for him. In the past, whether true or not, he would always perceive any attempt to contact him as chasing him. Any reason I had to make contact he just saw as a pretense. I am sure he is expecting me to contact him in one way or another this time as well. He used to tell me he even wanted me to call him, so that he would get a chance to reject me again. I just don't want to give him that satisfaction. I need for him to understand nothing that can make me contact him again. But when he realizes there's still stuff of his at my house, he will think I am only holding onto it to keep him in my life. That is not the case at all, but I have no idea how to get his things out of here without having to contact him or seem to be trying to. I wish there was a way to get his things to him and make a statement in the process.

[mango_flower]

Do you have a garage, basement or attic?

Can you put them in a box there, all sealed up so you don't have to come face to face with them every day?

And then wait for him to make contact to get them... .  

But forget them as much as you can in the meantime!

x

[Jimbo801]

Here is the deal.  So long as that stuff is laying around you will either a.) get anxiety everytime you go home seeing if he is there to come get it; or b.) think about it waaaay too much and it will interfere with moving on.  Here are a couple thoughts:  Ship everything to someone you know and trust near him and have them give the stuff back (assuming you don't want him to know where you live).  Either that or send the stuff from a PO Box.  It sounds like you are getting better so I think the assertive thing to do would be send the stuff back and be done with it. 

If you want to leave a note keep it simple and say something like "I found some of your stuff.  I hope we can depart as friends.  Take Care".  It may be total BS but it least it gets it off your mind and you get to keep your dignity by not re-kindling the drama. 

Just a thought.  I think you will feel way better getting rid of it all. Also consider that at some point you will be dating again (if not already) and you don't want to have to explain why you still have your ex's stuff laying around.

[syz]

Ship it.  Seriously.  If it only fills up a box... its worth taking it to the post office or ups and send it without a return address.  And no note. 

[mitti]

Do you have a garage, basement or attic?

Can you put them in a box there, all sealed up so you don't have to come face to face with them every day?

And then wait for him to make contact to get them... .  

But forget them as much as you can in the meantime!

x

Hi mango_flower and thanks for responding,

I don't actually have a lot of storage space but the other thing is I don't want for him to think I held onto his things to keep a bond or make him contact me, once he realizes I have his stuff. It doesn't bother me that it is here for any other reason actually. And I don't want to make an effort, not out of spite but because that too he would think is an attempt at making him contact me. But you are right, I do want to forget about it, forget about him and just have another phase in my life start. I am so fed up with BPD.

Take care

[mitti]

Here is the deal.  So long as that stuff is laying around you will either a.) get anxiety everytime you go home seeing if he is there to come get it; or b.) think about it waaaay too much and it will interfere with moving on.  Here are a couple thoughts:  Ship everything to someone you know and trust near him and have them give the stuff back (assuming you don't want him to know where you live).  Either that or send the stuff from a PO Box.  It sounds like you are getting better so I think the assertive thing to do would be send the stuff back and be done with it. 

If you want to leave a note keep it simple and say something like "I found some of your stuff.  I hope we can depart as friends.  Take Care".  It may be total BS but it least it gets it off your mind and you get to keep your dignity by not re-kindling the drama. 

Just a thought.  I think you will feel way better getting rid of it all. Also consider that at some point you will be dating again (if not already) and you don't want to have to explain why you still have your ex's stuff laying around.

Thanks for your response Jimbo801,

He won't come around my house so that's no worry for me. He is doing everything he can to avoid me actually. We live really close to each other so his world has become a very small pond to swim in. But yes, it interferes with my moving on. I need to close this door and for as long as his stuff is here I can't close it. And yes, I am ready to date again. 

I will probably ship it but keep it as non-personal as I can. I will leave no note, again because he will infer I am wanting contact, and I even think I will ship it to his work place and not his house.

Thanks

[mitti]

Ship it.  Seriously.  If it only fills up a box... its worth taking it to the post office or ups and send it without a return address.  And no note. 

Hi syz,

Thanks for your advice. I will ship it and I will leave no note and no return address and I will send it to his work place. I feel better already having decided this. It makes sense to do it. Trying to make more of a statement will only be counter-productive.

Thank you

[asher2]

Mitti... .  Glad to hear you are shipping it back. I think that is a wise decision. My ex purposefuly left stuff at my place and purposefuly never came back to get it (even though she told me she would). In my situation, I think she left stuff at my place so she could still feel connected to me. It was really bothering me that she still had all kinds of clothes hanging in my closet so after a week, I put EVERYTHING (I mean hairties, tweezers, whatever I could find... .  I didn't want any excuses for her to come back) of hers in a box and took it out to her place and set it on the doorstep when I knew she wasn't going to be home. For me, that was mental. Everytime I opened my closet and saw her stuff there, it made me feel sad. I knew I wasn't going to get over her until her stuff was out of my place.

[syz]

Ship it.  Seriously.  If it only fills up a box... its worth taking it to the post office or ups and send it without a return address.  And no note. 

Hi syz,

Thanks for your advice. I will ship it and I will leave no note and no return address and I will send it to his work place. I feel better already having decided this. It makes sense to do it. Trying to make more of a statement will only be counter-productive.

Thank you

Totally the sitting around and thinking about it part starts to get on your nerves you know? and finally you've wasted all this emotional energy on this stuff that belongs to someone else.  its exasperating.  So the best thing is to get it back to the owner with as little fanfare as possible and no emotionally draining exchanges. 

[mitti]

Hi asher2,

I can imagine the uneasy feeling to have her stuff at your house as if she were still part of your life. I think the way you returned her stuff was absolutely the right way to do it. Returning their stuff is crucial to getting closure I think. It seems most of them will never give us closure and we have to make it happen ourselves. In my case, I need to cut all ties with him in order to move on. I am making plans to change my life completely and I feel good about it. We deserve feeling good about ourselves and about our lives.

[mitti]

Totally the sitting around and thinking about it part starts to get on your nerves you know? and finally you've wasted all this emotional energy on this stuff that belongs to someone else.  its exasperating.  So the best thing is to get it back to the owner with as little fanfare as possible and no emotionally draining exchanges. 

That's right. I don't want to allow him to dictate my life to me any longer in any shape or form. I just want him out of it making sure there'd be no way at all that he would be able to misconstrue my returning his things into my wanting contact. I am pretty sure he regrets breaking up already but he won't act out of pride and he is probably angry with me also, blaming me for the breakup and therefore wanting to hurt me. OMG I just want to move on and meet somebody normal. Soo tired of all the craziness.

Thank you all for your advice. I feel so decided on a course of action.

[marbleloser]

I returned them via smoke signal.Not very nice,but damn it felt good!

[mitti]

I returned them via smoke signal.Not very nice,but damn it felt good!

Unfortunately I can't do it because of the sentimental value one of these items has to him, but in mind I have trashed all sorts of things.

[syz]

I think you did the exact right thing.  well thats obvious it was my advice...   but ends attachment, doesn't destroy someone else's things, and gets you having to think about it.  No explanation necessary.  I know you are NC but be prepared for the person to think its 'mean'. 

[syz]

should say get you free of having to think about it... gosh I wish there was an edit button... my own grammar errors drive me batty.