Letter to cut ties forever

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been no contact now for 17 months. I've been in therapy for 8. I was diagnosed right away with PTSD and panic disorders, but just recently I've been told I have major depression. I haven't whispered a word of any of this to my FOO because I know it will just make matters worse and just start a new round of boundary violations. I am the sort of person that carefully selects battles and only fight them if they're already won. I am departing from this philosophy for the first time, as I've decided it's time to tell my enDad why I can never see uBPDm again. I need to make a statement to him for my own self-worth and also to close out for good, this toxic phase of my life. I'm not so naive that I think this will go easily or be a success, but I can't let that stop me from doing it. I need to say these things to him, and then cut them both off forever. He's never going to accept my belief that his wife is a toxic, manipulative, VN. He is a devoted enabler and wants his children to be as well. My reasons for even writing this wont be understood, but I won't keep this secret anymore. I am nervously crafting a letter and editing it with great care. I post this today in the spirit of hope that it will help me in my resolve to move forward with my life and let the old one burn like it should. Thanks for reading.

Cheshire

[Cheshire]

I've been no contact now for 17 months. I've been in therapy for 8. I was diagnosed right away with PTSD and panic disorders, but just recently I've been told I have major depression. I haven't whispered a word of any of this to my FOO because I know it will just make matters worse and just start a new round of boundary violations. I am the sort of person that carefully selects battles and only fight them if they're already won. I am departing from this philosophy for the first time, as I've decided it's time to tell my enDad why I can never see uBPDm again. I need to make a statement to him for my own self-worth and also to close out for good, this toxic phase of my life. I'm not so naive that I think this will go easily or be a success, but I can't let that stop me from doing it. I need to say these things to him, and then cut them both off forever. He's never going to accept my belief that his wife is a toxic, manipulative, VN. He is a devoted enabler and wants his children to be as well. My reasons for even writing this wont be understood, but I won't keep this secret anymore. I am nervously crafting a letter and editing it with great care. I post this today in the spirit of hope that it will help me in my resolve to move forward with my life and let the old one burn like it should. Thanks for reading.

Cheshire

[P.F.Change]

It is a hard step to take, but you sound resolved to do it for your own healing.

I'm sorry your FOO has put you in the position of having to make that choice. But you deserve to heal... .  you deserve to pick you! I wish you the best at this difficult juncture.

I have PTSD, too, and have dealt with the anxiety and depression. It wasn't safe for me to talk about those things with my FOO, either. But I have other good support, and it sounds like you do, too. Let us know how we can help you.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Cheshire]

Thanks for your response, PF change. Up until this decision I have kept the reason for my year+ of NC hidden because it was easier for my FOO. I came to the conclusion that I was paying a price for my non-confrontational position. I am trying to write the letter with compassion and guarded honesty. This will be the first time I have ever confronted enDad with anything serious. I will undoubtedly have more to share later next week. Thanks again for your kind words. I don't get much support with this so it's good to hear.

[P.F.Change]

I remember writing my own NC letter. I knew I needed to do it for me, but I also felt a lot of anxiety about putting it in the mail. I worried what the repercussions would be. I wrote it anyway, using DEARMAN as a guide, and had two dear friends look it over for me first. Is your T offering you some guidance?

PF

[Cheshire]

Yeah, T is in the loop. I'm doing a lot of editing and soul searching. I have spent most of my time around foo using diversions, humor, and evasion to avoid confronting them for fear of starting in-winnable battles. This is new territory for me, but fear be damned, I'm fighting this one.

[Cheshire]

After a week of writing and careful editing, I finished my 5 page letter and emailed it to his work account this morning. I found the process cathartic and oddly energizing. When I was satisfied that it said what I needed it to, I sat back and felt about 20 lbs lighter. Maybe I should've done this earlier than I did, but my T thinks I needed the last year to find the right words and gumption to do so. I showed it to my aunt that clued me into BPD in the first place, and she said it sounded sincere and respectful. She and T both agree, though that enDad won't likely see the truth of it as he's too invested in his role of caretaker/bartender to risk rocking the boat. This no longer bothers me. I'm so glad I took this step. I'm so grateful to T, my aunt, and also to this site and the wonderful people whose courage and encouragement I admire and appreciate. Thanks, guys. This year has been one of my toughest, but this place has been a sanctuary of sanity for me. Good luck to all and thanks for reading. Ill be sure to post about the results of my longshot later.

Cheshire

[P.F.Change]

It sounds like you are doing what needs to be done to take care of you.  Keep posting as you need to... . as you know, some things get easier with NC, while others remain a challenge. We are here to support you.   I wish you the best as you continue to heal. I am glad you were able to speak your truth.

PF

[Cheshire]

So, after 3 months, my enDad "responded" to my letter.  I wrote seven pages of carefully expressed feelings and researched perspectives. His email had one paragraph reiterating his readiness for me to reconcile with him and uBPDm. I expected very little, and got exactly that. I thought about it for awhile, talked to my T, and decided to ignore his email entirely. They have communicated this way my whole life. They refuse to acknowledge anything that doesn't fit their reality. My T referred to a diagnosis from the DSM4 called "Folie à Deux" that fits their behavior. They can't see, hear, or otherwise perceive anything that doesn't fit their delusional reality. I was feeling disappointed, and consequently a bit guilty for it, but my T told me its pretty normal to be pissed off at the inappropriate lack of meaningful response. To respond back to them now would only serve their need for "getting their son back" and feeling like good parents again. I think I'll hold off responding until he at least can address any of the points I raised in my letter. I assume this will never actually happen. I refuse to play their rigged game ever again. I've made so much progress in therapy in the last year, and I can't go back to living by crazytown rules. Thanks for reading.

Cheshire

[P.F.Change]

Sounds about right. You seem to be handling things well.

PF