My Husband doesn't see it

[Depression = 72% of members]

It has been a long time since I have been on this site.  A quick overview of my story is that my MIL has unBPD.  A few years ago I was the person she was attacking and my husband was wonderful and really stood by me and helped set lots of boundaries with his mother.  He realized that the things that were happening were not normal and he was great about protecting the family that we have created together.  Though, he would not buy into the diagnosis that a therapist gave us who had met with both his mother and us.  Fast-forward 3 years and it is now my SIL, her daughter, that she is going after and my husband is struggling with seeing the pattern.  Since we have not been her targets for the last 3 years and have maintained a "peaceful" relationship with her he is now having a hard time seeing and/or admitting that his mother is not mentally stable.  He won't admit she has BPD or that her behavior isn't normal.  He wants to see her as normal so badly and find fault with everyone else so that he doesn't have to admit what is really going on.  While I understand this is his mother and it has to be hard to see this all happening, I need to know how to help him through this.  Anyone out there that can give me advice on how to help him see what is truly going on?  I want to be sensitive but my frustration level is going through the roof and something has to give. 

[confusedDIL]

It has been a long time since I have been on this site.  A quick overview of my story is that my MIL has unBPD.  A few years ago I was the person she was attacking and my husband was wonderful and really stood by me and helped set lots of boundaries with his mother.  He realized that the things that were happening were not normal and he was great about protecting the family that we have created together.  Though, he would not buy into the diagnosis that a therapist gave us who had met with both his mother and us.  Fast-forward 3 years and it is now my SIL, her daughter, that she is going after and my husband is struggling with seeing the pattern.  Since we have not been her targets for the last 3 years and have maintained a "peaceful" relationship with her he is now having a hard time seeing and/or admitting that his mother is not mentally stable.  He won't admit she has BPD or that her behavior isn't normal.  He wants to see her as normal so badly and find fault with everyone else so that he doesn't have to admit what is really going on.  While I understand this is his mother and it has to be hard to see this all happening, I need to know how to help him through this.  Anyone out there that can give me advice on how to help him see what is truly going on?  I want to be sensitive but my frustration level is going through the roof and something has to give. 

[GeekyGirl]

It's very painful coming to terms that a parent has a mental disorder--I can tell you that it took me a long time to be able to admit that my mother has BPD and isn't just "difficult".

I know what you mean when you say that your husband wants to see your MIL as normal. Because he probably doesn't have another frame of reference, he might see her behavior as normal. He might also have some thoughts about mental illness that are making it tougher to see that his mother has a disorder. Has he ever said to you that her behavior has upset him? What happens when you mention that her behavior is unusual?

In any case, I can see why this is frustrating for you. It's so hard to see someone you love suffer, and you have a family to protect and nurture. It's really good that you want to support your DH, and by coming here, you're getting support for yourself too. 

[confusedDIL]

Thanks GeekyGirl.  My husband and I have had many conversations regarding it and just when I think he is ready to start trying to understand his Mom's behavior he back tracks.  I am trying very hard to be patient and understand his point of view.  I didn't grow up in this type of environment so my frame of reference is completely different.  This forum is wonderful and I am going to read what I can and learn from all of you. 

[GeekyGirl]

I am trying very hard to be patient and understand his point of view.  I didn't grow up in this type of environment so my frame of reference is completely different. 

My DH has said the same thing. His mother is very nurturing and both of his parents are supportive. It's very hard for him to relate and understand why my mother behaves the way she does. It does take some time, but again, just by trying to understand your DH's point of view, that's really going to help the both of you. 

If you haven't read it, I highly recommend Understanding the Borderline Mother to children of BPD parents (and you, since you're married to one). It gives good insight into why a mother with BPD behaves the way she does. This article (BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch) covers some of the information in Understanding the Borderline Mother.

[isshebpd]

confusedDIL,

How is your husband treated by his mother? Does she treat him badly too?

Does he have siblings?

[confusedDIL]

Thanks again Geeky Girl for the reading suggestions.  I have not read Understanding the Borderline Mother.  I will have to get that one. 

issheBPD - My husband's relationship with his mother is very interesting.  I am not sure she has ever actually gone after him.  He was never real close with her and kind of stayed under her radar.  He has only been subjected to her stuff since we got married and she decided I was a threat.  But things are never directed at him.  I am not sure I even understand their dynamic.  He does have siblings and one is good and one is bad.  It is where my husband falls that has always been the question. 

[MiddleOne]

My MIL did the same thing. First she went after me for a few years, then she went after my new SIL. My husband had trouble seeing it, but when his brother started talking about how unfair their mother was being to his wife, then my husband finally got it.

[Clearmind]

ConfusedDIL, what a situation and it may be possible that your H does not see it because he lived with it once. Harder to see from the inside so to speak. He has been taught to protect her not speak against her.

Its also likely he is avoiding the drama by not getting involved with SIL issue.

So what can you do as far as SIL's concerned? Point her in the direction of boundaries and if she wishes this board - its not your role to fight her battles for her. This could create a whole lotta drama.

As far as Hubby is concerned - that may need to unfold when he is ready. Like GeekyGirl said - recognising and handling the notion of BPD is a difficult one. Its a label - can you begin to deal with the behaviors and leave the label for now - that can be confronting.

[confusedDIL]

Thanks everyone.  We had a long talk this weekend and while he still isn't ready to discuss the BPD we did agree on some boundaries regarding his mother that we are both able to live with.  I certainly understand how tough it can be to see his mother labeled as BPD and I have been patiently waiting for him to come to this understanding on his own. After 3 years, and multiple situations where her true colors have come through, my husband still has issues with this one.   Right now, I am going to focus on his willingness to put our family first and set boundaries with me.

[GeekyGirl]

We had a long talk this weekend and while he still isn't ready to discuss the BPD we did agree on some boundaries regarding his mother that we are both able to live with. 

That's a good start.  I agree with Clearmind that it might be worth mentioning boundaries and the possibility that your MIL has BPD to your SIL. From there, it's up to her to decide what to do with the information.

I certainly understand how tough it can be to see his mother labeled as BPD and I have been patiently waiting for him to come to this understanding on his own.

Maybe it is best, as Clearmind said, to focus on the behaviors now without adding the BPD label. At least you know where your MIL's behavior is coming from and you can help your DH develop ways to better handle it.

[OnlyChild]

So true... . it is normal to your husband, so he cannot see what's going on.   BPDs seem to have the market on manipulation and being a parent can really tug at our emotions and loyalities.   I know my husband was/is tearing his hair out about my behaviors with my uBPD mom that seem perfectly normal to me.   I resented him each time he would take a step toward getting me to see reality.   Denial is a HUGE defense mechanism.   My poor H had to be patient for 8 years before now just literally days ago I began to see my situation for what is truly is.     (I probably have it a little easier as well, my uBPD mom passed away a year ago... . but even after she passed it still took a year for me to just start to stop behaving as she had trained me).    Hang in there.   Your consistency, love, and true support will prevail.