Positive's of getting out of a BPD relationship

[Discarded26]

What are yours?

I'm trying to work out mine at the moment... .  

[sunrising]

Great idea:

1) I "get" to be funny again.  My friends and family really appreciated and enjoyed my humor, and I theirs.  I was nowhere near as fun/funny when I was walking on eggshells (figuratively... .  I suppose that could be slapstick funny for some people, were it literal).

2) I'm regaining my self-esteem.  I allowed my exwBPD to convince me (intentionally or unintentionally, on her part) I was somehow generally "lacking".  She wasn't demeaning about it, but I always got the feeling from her that I was "never enough".  This made me think less of myself.  I now spend time with people who seem to think I'm pretty good the way I am.  No requests to change or "do" for them... .  

3) I can carry on normal conversations with females without guilt.  I'm not talking about romantic conversations, just normal ones.

4) I can socialize in a manner I enjoy most.    I have always been a host.  I enjoy having people as guests in my home.  My exwBPD was never comfortable with this, so I stopped doing it nearly as much and felt guilty when I did.  Now, if a few friends want to come over for a BBQ or to play music, we do it.  And I enjoy it just like I used to!... .  

5) While I'm still sad some days, I'm no longer in a nearly constant state of conscious or sub-conscious confusion.  My exwBPD and I had verbally committed "forever" to each other, but I think there was something inside me which knew that wasn't a good idea/ wasn't going to happen.   I don't know exactly where I'm headed now, but I know I will choose that path with a clear mind and with people who can actually go there with me.  

sunrising

[HarmKrakow]

Great idea:

1) I "get" to be funny again.  My friends and family really appreciated and enjoyed my humor, and I theirs.  I was nowhere near as fun/funny when I was walking on eggshells (figuratively... .  I suppose that could be slapstick funny for some people, were it literal).

2) I'm regaining my self-esteem.  I allowed my exwBPD to convince me (intentionally or unintentionally, on her part) I was somehow generally "lacking".  She wasn't demeaning about it, but I always got the feeling from her that I was "never enough".  This made me think less of myself.  I now spend time with people who seem to think I'm pretty good the way I am.  No requests to change or "do" for them... .  

3) I can carry on normal conversations with females without guilt.  I'm not talking about romantic conversations, just normal ones.

4) I can socialize in a manner I enjoy most.    I have always been a host.  I enjoy having people as guests in my home.  My exwBPD was never comfortable with this, so I stopped doing it nearly as much and felt guilty when I did.  Now, if a few friends want to come over for a BBQ or to play music, we do it.  And I enjoy it just like I used to!... .  

5) While I'm still sad some days, I'm no longer in a nearly constant state of conscious or sub-conscious confusion.  My exwBPD and I had verbally committed "forever" to each other, but I think there was something inside me which knew that wasn't a good idea/ wasn't going to happen.   I don't know exactly where I'm headed now, but I know I will choose that path with a clear mind and with people who can actually go there with me.  

These were things I could already do before the BPD r/s and now can't do anymore.

The honest truth is that my BPD experience was my worst investment ever and gained the least out of. I gained knowledge about "love", and also about disorders and about "exposing" myself.

[blecker]

To be me, just me, the good, the bad and the ugly.

[sunrising]

 

These were things I could already do before the BPD r/s and now can't do anymore.

harmkrakow, I understand how you could feel this way.  I very much felt like I had "lost a bit of myself".  But you CAN do these things... .    That person you knew before (YOU) is still there. 

I had some friends over this week and laughed more than I have in a long time.  Just a really funny group of guys who would never sit around and talk about BPD for hours (or minutes, for that matter... .  ).   I discovered that I had been obsessing about BPD and self-reflection for a few weeks.  It was wonderful for me to be around people who, frankly, wouldn't let me do that if I tried. 

Have you tried spending time with friends/ family who you used to be comfortable doing these things around? 

[healingmyheart]

Since I've only been out of my relationship for just over 2 weeks, this is good for me to consider.

I truly lost my core being in the relationship with my ex BPD.  Every revolved around him and his interest, desires and aspirations. 

I want ME back!  I want to rediscover me again.  My ex BPD even dictated how the house was decorated  with all of his belongings... .  keep in mind, it is MY house.  Oh yeah, I'm an interior designer and I lost all confidence in my own design capabilities. 

The positive's for me are:

1-I can have myself back in totality

2-My daughter and I are healing

3-My daughter has her mom back

4-I am regaining my self confidence

5-I am more relaxed and less stressed

6-I can spend time with friends and family again

7-I don't feel controlled anymore

8-I can look back and know I made the right decision no matter what the consequences... .  he can twist the truth a million ways... .  he is sick and ultimately will succumb to the disease again... .  I can live my life in totality.

9-I am more educated to personality disorders hence I will be more vigilante in assessing red flags for any new relationship I may find myself in

[healingmyheart]

Excuse me, I called it a "disease"... .  it is not, it is a disorder.  Disease or disorder... .  it's totally messed up!

[healingmyheart]

Oh, this is huge... .  I can wear what I want without having my ex "redress" me.  He always had the final word in how i looked.  I always felt less than and allowed him to tell me what to wear... .  it's crazy that I allowed that!

[ScotisGone74]

Having some time to MYself... .  it started out with her doing a few favors to help me out at work and ends with me turning into her personal cleaning company/handyman/errand service/therapist/career counselor/grad school paper writer.  She can now guilt Mr. New into doing all those jobs. 

Being able to NOT have to worry about what drama she caused, what squabble she is involved in, what I did to make her feel bad.  I can now focus on my own plans, future, career, without having to carry on a juggling act with her. 

Not being around or having to here what any of her 'friends' have to say or have said.  These people are about as far from mother theresa as you can get, the sad part is that they parade themselves around as normal people.  Not the kind of people you d want to be around, no morals, no integrity, no common decency.  Red flag from the get go.

Not having to worry about who she is flirting with, talking to, or using to get under my skin.  I was always confident in myself, and even during our relationship together didn't pay very much attention to it, I geuss that is why she kept taking it up a notch all the time.  Sheesh, I could never imagine having to work out of town when dealing with a person like this. 

Being able to be around other people and do whatever you want, order what you want, say what I really wanted to without offending or making someone mad.  Ie   walking on eggshells

Not feeling soo guilty about not being beside her 24hours/7 days a week.  She was never comfortable being alone for 2 seconds I don't think.  Would thow fits and do all kinds of nutty stuff to keep me under her wing constantly. 

[syz]

The list is too long.  Namely Peace.

But a few that come to mind:

second guessing myself.

feeling like I'm the A hole.

wondering what is real and what isn't

confusion

no more bizarre accusations

no more fuzzy boundary violations

no more middle of the night text messages

no more of her bailing on the relationship and then back tracking

no more being told I just wanted the relationship when it was convient to me

Hear that sucking sound?  me either anymore. 

[mango_flower]

1. Not constantly feeling like I have to do something romantic/cute when I'm exhausted

2. Not having to calm her down when she was moaning about the latest person who had been "horrible" to her that day at work or whatever

3. Not panicking whenever I had more than one missed call from her that something awful had happened (that was partly my co-dependency that allowed that though)

4. Not feeling guilty for leaving her alone if I wanted to catch up with a friend for a few hours after work - she didn't have a ton of friends and would just stay in if she wasn't invited.  She never said anything to make me feel bad, and even encouraged me to go out, but I still felt bad... .  as I knew that no matter what she said, she didn't really want me to go

5. Not feeling guilty for having a sleep in on the weekend, as she was an early morning riser, and she'd have done half the housework by the time I got up

6. Not having to constantly check on her on a night out with friends to make sure she was ok (I always felt I had to make sure she was ok 24/7, even though supposedly she was independent... .  I didn't really feel she was)

7. Not having to cringe when she told my new friends all about her awful past and abusive ex-husband - she had no personal boundaries

I'm sure there are more, but those spring to mind.

Thanks Discarded26 - this was a really helpful thread to read and contribute too 

[fakename]

you guys took most of mine, but let me think... .  

-if we were hanging out and watching tv, i couldnt be doing anything else but the same thing she was doing. if i was on my laptop and trying to do some work or just cause i wanted to relax on my own, i would get guilted in that this was our time and we're supposed to spend it together

-not having to think very carefully how to phrase something when i wanted to make a suggestion

- not being told how i should do my hair or told what clothes to wear

- not be on call 24/7

-dont have to feel like i'm not there for the person and like everything i give still isn't enough

- not have the feeling that what i'm saying doesnt interest her at all if it isn't about her

- not in a r/s where i break up every other day

- not worried about what health issues she has down the road cause she's so concerned about her appearance that she doesnt eat well

-not being around someone who always tries to one-up me in any conversation like it's a competition

- not feel like i'm a nobody

- so much more stress free now

- can feel like i can have a future that is a lot happier without her in my life, even if i'm single for a long time to come

- dont have to spend my days listening to her complain and ramble on about all the things she needs to do