Put in the middle... again

[annagn]

So... .  My parents are split up again. My dad left this time. He says he isn't going back. My mom doesn't seem the least bit worried about how this affects her or him. I know that is how she copes at times. My dad has BPD. He has had a lot of stress on him recently, with his finances, work, my sister leaving her husband and moving in with my parents (along with her 2 year old), dealing with a car in and out of the shop for 3 weeks, my mother's father passing away, and enough stress with everything else, that he had a huge raging episode Tuesday. I wasn't there, but he was especially hurtful to my 21 year old brother and my mother-- telling them that obviously he wasn't good enough for them, that my brother is no longer his son, and that they would be better off without him. All because my brother rented a dumpster to help my parents clean out the basement for my sister to have a place to move in properly. (My dad tends to grow personally attached to some items and was assuming they were going to throw things away behind his back).

I talked to my mom Tuesday night, she seems to find the whole thing somewhat entertaining, and blames most of it on the fact that he ran out of his medication... .  . .

I talked to my dad yesterday morning and he blames it on everyone else not understanding how hard he has been trying (and honestly, I really do feel like he doesn't get enough support from my family... .  he does try very hard to control his emotions and reactions-- though this time he didn't do well at all).

Now, I understand why it is necessary for them to be apart at the moment. But, my dad says he is "like a cancer, and needs to be cut out". And he doesn't want to go back. They have split before, but my dad has never said anything like that... .  they have been married 26 years.

I don't think my mom realizes how severe this is to him, and is treating it like he is just throwing a fit or something. But, I know it is different.

On top of the stress of all of this, I am being put in the middle. I am very close to my father, and realize that he needs people to accept him and love him no matter what. I think this will make my mom mad-- as a child, every fight they had, my mother would rant to me about him and made me take her side. But, I am not willing to give my dad up. I feel like she is telling him that this is only his problem and that she cant accept him unless he is medicated and well all the time.

At the same time, my dad is going to be upset if I disagree with how he sees things (which can obviously be quite skewed). And may take it out on my mom, like she has planted me there as a spy.

How do I get through this and stay unbiased? I love both my parents very much, and have gone through hell and back to have good relationships with them. What now?

[GeekyGirl]

That's a tough spot to be in--feeling like you'll have to choose between your parents. It's really not fair to you to be put in a position where you're each parent's confidante.

Have you heard of the Karpman Triangle? Here's a good intro to it: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0. From what you've said, it sounds like your parents might be triangulating. There are some suggestions in there about how to "move to the middle" of the triangle and keep the conflict between your parents.

There's a lot going on within your family right now--how are you doing with all of this? Is anyone supporting you?

[annagn]

I will definitely have to look into that further, thank you.

SO, my mom did ask my dad to come back, and he has. But, yes there is a lot going on with my family. My sister had to get a restraining order against her abusive husband, and is filing for divorce. We are very close to each other, and have nearly identical support systems. So, right now, she needs them more than me. She has been put through more than I can even imagine. Plus, I have recently been really hurt by my church, my hours got cut at work, I am having trouble paying all my bills, and I am frustrated with a couple of my roommates. Its just a bit of a rough go right now. My boyfriend has been an amazing support, but he doesn't quite know how to handle my family stuff just yet... .  he tries very hard, though.

I just feel like I must be too much of a burden. I am trying to fight against the thought that I am worthless-- I know its not true. I am just sick of the feelings of being used and need to set up better boundaries, speak up, and find some sort of support otherwise.

[Clearmind]

I agree with GeekyGirl, that this certainly is a drama triangle – that article is a good one – it shows our role in the triangle (the only role we can control).

At the same time, my dad is going to be upset if I disagree with how he sees things (which can obviously be quite skewed). And may take it out on my mom, like she has planted me there as a spy.

How do I get through this and stay unbiased? I love both my parents very much, and have gone through hell and back to have good relationships with them. What now?

Validation can also help – validation aims to understand that the other persons emotions are true for them – although you may see it differently.

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

Validation stops us needing to fix.

I just feel like I must be too much of a burden. I am trying to fight against the thought that I am worthless-- I know its not true. I am just sick of the feelings of being used and need to set up better boundaries, speak up, and find some sort of support otherwise.

Common legacy from having a BPD parent Anna - often we worry more about others than ourselves and then when it comes to us - we feel naked and unsupported.  Are you able to extend your support system? Is there a support group for adult kids of Borderlines? Are you seeing a therapist?

Boundaries initially feel risky – however they are very necessary to protect you. For me personally I had to embrace boundaries like a new toy and also learn to balance my emotions to not react too much from what was dealt.

[annagn]

Thanks, Clearmind. I realize how easy it is for the child of a BPD sufferer to feel the way I have been. I do have a small support system, but wish I knew more people who understood exactly what it is to have dealt with someone they love having BPD and all that jazz. I am not seeing a therapist, as I really don't have the finances to do so. I do appreciate the thoughts on boundaries, I need to get better about setting them, for sure.