Prenup. Post nup. Man o man

[lost007]

My stbexBPDw has not stopped trying to get me back since I left nearly 3 months ago. It just doesn't end. Tonight she offers if I give her 6 months to prove a difference she will sign a post nuptial agreement that says she will leave with nothing. My fear is she is wanting money. I have a lot. She has none. Two year marriage. I want out. Don't trust her. What do you guys think if this offer? Before you ask-my inclination is stick to my guns and get divorced.

[GreenMango]

Lost007 did she go into any specifics as to what she's planning on working on and how.  That's a big thing to offer out and can protect you financially.

[GustheDog]

My stbexBPDw has not stopped trying to get me back since I left nearly 3 months ago. It just doesn't end. Tonight she offers if I give her 6 months to prove a difference she will sign a post nuptial agreement that says she will leave with nothing. My fear is she is wanting money. I have a lot. She has none. Two year marriage. I want out. Don't trust her. What do you guys think if this offer? Before you ask-my inclination is stick to my guns and get divorced.

I'm confused.  How does the offer of a post-nup that leaves her with nothing equate to her being after money?

Trojan horse of sorts?

[fall guy]

I'm no attorney, so take my advice with a grain of salt.  BUT, a post nup that gives her nothing will never hold up in court.

[lost007]

Green mango. She has admitted what has gone on and her role. She essentially terrorized me in my home. I left under the dark of night. She says she is aware of her behaviors that caused me to leave. She says she will counsel and do whatever it takes if I will not divorce her. I filed a year ago. We counseled. We tried again. The same threats, rages, returned. She will now have to go to work. Things will really change for her. I am just not sure if this is real. Gus. My divorce was scheduled to be complete 2 weeks ago. A few days prior she fired her attorney and hired another. Her new one is a pit bull. He is known for trying to take down his opponents. She post poned the divorce. According to her to make me think about things because she wants me back. My feeling is it is about money. She stands to lose a lot in the divorce. Post nup? I would not leave her with nothing. But it is my understanding that a reasonable agreement could be worked out ahead of time and not be modifiable should things not work. Again I still want divorce. Several recycles. Im weary and suspicious.

[GustheDog]

I'm no attorney, so take my advice with a grain of salt.  BUT, a post nup that gives her nothing will never hold up in court.

Perhaps.  But if she is the one proposing the terms - relinquishing all or substantial part of her share in the marital estate in exchange for "another try" or a six-month window, etc. - then that is a freely negotiated, mutually-assented-to agreement.  If it was lost007 pushing a similar agreement on her (where she got little or nothing), and that was contrary to her interests and/or there was evidence to suggest she was subjected to emotional coercion, then, no - that might not be enforced.  But, as lost007 has described it, this would seem to create a valid agreement.

If you want the divorce - do it.  Tell your lawyer that you're tired of delays.  You mentioned you were all set to close - how did she stall this exactly? 

[mango_flower]

Go with your gut instinct.  Sounds like it is strong.

When I start missing her and wishing she'd come back, I imagine how I'd like to be in 5 years time... .  and in a fantasy world, I'd have the "old" her, but if I am realistic, that's not the real her... .  and do I want how she was acting at the end back in my life? No.

Stay strong x

[lost007]

Thanks mango. Gus. As the date approached she fired her attorney. She then hired a new one. Her new attorney asked for a continuance so that he could get up to speed. It was a tactic to post pone. She is in my house and will likely remain til worked out. She knows I want back in. Only caveat? I want back in my home without her in it. She still manipulates and bargains. She does not want divorce. I just know I can't live with lies, distortion, threats, coercion. It's too much overall 5 years. Last 20 months married.

[lost007]

One of my main problems is she has been unrelenting and unwilling to let go. I love her but can't do the dance any longer. It has been my only personal insight into what a nazi internment camp must have been like. I nearly lost my kids. My parents. Have no friends. I'm well known and know lots of people but have no real attachments. Gave them up. Just interesting she is willing to go to that length. My head says no. You guys have seen where the heart can lead when it comes to a partner with BPD.

[aluminumRob]

This is a line from an old thread, written by clairedair, that I liked so much I wrote down.

"They (pwBPD) really did love you (in their own way) but the disorder will always win until they get help."

Your wife may truly love you (again, in her own way that is different than a non-BPD loves) and be utterly sincere and dedicated in giving the relationship another chance.  But understand now that this sincerity and dedication will VANISH at the first sign of true intimacy and commitment between the two of you.

Not to say it couldn't work.  Years of therapy might change this fundamental, but a recycling event like this will not.

If it's about the money... .  I can't really advise you there, as I have no experience in this area to say whether it could work or not.  I'd say you're on questionable moral ground if you agree to have her sign the agreement without truly planning to try (and I do mean TRY) to make things work.  But in the context of a 5-year relationship/marriage to a pwBPD, I don't think anyone can decide what is right or wrong, fair or unfair except for you.

Good luck my friend.  It sounds like you've been through hell.  I just left my 1-year relationship with a pwBPD tonight, and I'm feeling strong.  I wish you the best.

[lost007]

Thanks aRob. Good insight. You are right. If I were to agree half hearted would not be fair. I have been responsible for not standing my ground which I know can send mixed signals. I have learned a lot about how the illness manifests. I lived it but did not understand what it was exactly. I tried and tried. You are right about the vanishing as well. Been there. It's why my inclination is to follow through. I hate it. I was crazy over this woman. I hope you path is as smooth as possible. That she will give u space and let u breathe as u plan your next step.

[aluminumRob]

Thanks Lost.  I am lucky, I think, in that my pwBPD got some good therapy as a child and is a lot more in touch with her patterns than many.  I think she will leave me alone, but it does hurt amazingly to give up on her and the dream of being happy with her.  It's a fresh wound right now and I don't have a clue yet how it's going to heal.

I don't think you have too much personal responsibility for the situation you're in.  It's never your responsibility in a relationship to always do the "right" thing while she acts out of control.  There's not one of us on the forum (I'd wager) that could say we've always stood our ground against our pwBPD and never sent mixed signals, and there's nothing shameful about it in the least.  In fact, I think sometimes the pwBPD in ours lives hold us to such impossibly high standards that we can get in the habit of being overly hard on ourselves.  The pwBPD forces us to send mixed signals by not accepting us fully for who we are, and breaks down our sense of self to where we feel guilty about standing our ground.

Remember that, while you are stuck making the hard decisions about the future of your relationship, you're not stuck with that role because you screwed up... .  you're stuck with that role because you're the only one who's not mentally ill, and the only one with the mental and emotional toolset to work toward bettering your life.

Just my rambling thoughts... .  It's so hard to keep perspective when you have a pwBPD in your life... .  I really wish you the best in this challenging time.

[GustheDog]

I think it's important to note that, in addition to many of the other points made by others here, that pwBPD thrive on conflict.

"Trying" for 6 months, even if it's a smooth 6 months, invariably, inevitably, inescapably will be only a temporary reprieve from all the difficulties that have brought you to this point in the first place.

She can't have a happy, consistent, smooth, functional, healthy relationship.  I know it's easy to ignore this fact, especially if she's begging and making promises, etc.  But that doesn't make it less of a fact.

You stated straight away that you wanted the divorce.  If I was in your shoes, I'd make it priority #1 to make that happen very soon and with an arrangement that leaves as few loose ends (i.e., reasons for continued contact) as is realistically possible.  Just my $.02.

[lost007]

Gus. You are right. I doubt we would make it even the six months. The divorce is taking more time than I wanted. It should have been done. Two weeks ago. When she succeeded in having it postponed it was incredibly hard for me. It was a way for me to save me from myself. From my own co dependency and addiction to this dangerous person. To end the dance so to speak. Now I sit and wait. Met with my attorney this am. She continues to bargain and promise. I have been reasonably strong. I don't want to weaken. My attorney is tying up loose ends. We hope to settle. Right now she Is on good behavior. I don't know when that ends. She will not accept that it is over. She is in a mode that just won't let her let me go. I do we'll when she gives me peace. She hasn't given much of that. No contact isn't ideal but I have had to toy with that to protect myself. I'm just ready for it to be done. Even my attorney said this morning "you cannot go back to her". I just get caught up in thought. Is she really self aware enough to get it?  Is that possible?  My head says no way. Been there. Heart wonders. Thank u for your 1/50 th of a dollar Gus.

[ForeverDad]

Another reason not to go back, try again, recycle or whatever... .  you don't have any Trust in anything she claims.  A relationship can't recuperate, recover or have a future without Trust.

Yes, her actions did delay the divorce case.  That's her best weapon - delay.  It lets her stay in the house longer, it keeps her tied to you and she thinks you might give in yet again.  With a new, aggressive lawyer it may also make her think you'll cave - or pay more.  But you can't go back, you've been there, it's not good.  If you went back it would be for all the wrong reasons, well, at least some wrong reasons.

[lost007]

I agree. I was so close. You don't know me but you speak truth. I'm like most others on the board. Affected. Life affected. Mentally affected. Career affected. Kids affected. And my stbexw BPD affected. I still hurt for her and have empathy. Still miss her. Hate admitting it. So many people counting on me to stay strong with this. Lot of pressure. Only rarely have I considered caving. This offer made me think about it.