The day my mother verbally attacked me like never before

[Kwamina]

Hello everyone,

I’ve had many difficult experiences with my uBPD mother but there are some moments that haunt me more than others. One of the worst days of my life was when I was 18 years old and was in my first week at the university. I was at home one evening and later that night was going to play my first soccer match. And then it happened, all of a sudden my mother exploded on me. She hurled accusations at me, saying things like I was trying to ruin her birthday party and blaming me for all the bad things in her life. She went on and on and there seemed to be no stopping her, but then another curious thing happened. One of my sisters arrived at the house and when she stepped into the livingroom my mother immediately changed her behavior and acted as if nothing was going on. The moment my sister stepped out of the room, my mother started raging uncontrollably again. I went upstairs and my mother followed me  and kept raging, I actually locked myself in the bathroom to get away from her. You know how they always say sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you, well I’m not so sure about that because my mother’s venomous words are like poison to my soul. When my sister got upstairs, my mother turned her raging off again just like that. The next day my mother gave a huge birthday party for herself and all day acted as if nothing had happened the day before. At the end of the day she came to me with a big smile on her face and said ‘Wasn’t it a lovely party with all those people?’. I confronted her with her behavior the previous night and she acted as if it was no big deal. The way my mother is able to switch the ‘witch’ inside of her on and off just like that, is something that really makes me furious. It’s absolutely clear that there’s something seriously wrong with her, but at the same time it’s also absolutely clear that she isn’t insane and knows what she’s doing. Most other people never see the raging witch side of her, but when I lived alone with her, I was often the target of her brutal and sadistic verbal attacks. She knew that she was hurting me, even brought me to tears that evening I described above, but she just kept going on and on and showed absolutely no sincere remorse.

I’ve come a long way since I first learned about BPD a few years ago. I’ve drastically lowered my expectations of my mother and now fully expect her to misbehave and prepare as well for it as I can. I've learned not to take her attacks personally and I also keep my distance and keep interactions with her superficial. This has allowed me to begin the process of healing myself. Looking back is still painful though. What really bothers me the most now actually isn’t the fact that she acted like that, but the consequences it had on me while growing up. After her extreme rages I sank deeper and deeper into depression and sometimes I wonder how I made it through without completely self-destructing. Growing up alone with a BPD mother for many years, is a truly devastating experience indeed.

[Kwamina]

... .  yet somehow I managed to survive without completely breaking down... .  I sometimes do wonder though what would have happened if I had broken down completely, maybe someone would have stepped in to do something about my mother then. Guess I'll never know. Anywayz, I'm very happy that I don't live with her anymore because I've come to realize that it's nearly impossible to do the work of healing your soul when you're living in a constantly negative environment where you're still getting attacked on a regular basis and constantly have to walk on eggshells.

[Kwamina]

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[XL]

My mom went off the deep end when I started college too. I think that's a huge trigger for abandonment. It was awful-trying to figure out adult finances, start school, learn to drive and coming home having to kick my insane mom off my property. I was always envious of other kids whose parents just showed up to decorate their dorms and buy snacks. She made me miss the first day of class because she stole my car.

I think this rage was absolutely timed to undermine your independence at school.

[susiecue]

My mom was always going off the deep end.  My dad would leave to avoid her and she would call around town looking for him and if eventually she would not find him we were drug out of bed and put in a car with her to rage around town at 3am in the morning. 

Everytime I would see my dad pull up in the driveway I would start getting nervous and it was only because I never knew what mom would hit him with at the door to start an argument or fight.

Once while trying to get my daughter so we could get out of harms way with her she tried to keep her from me and I had to go into the house and order my child out the door while I held my mother back with my arm.  She threw herself onto the stairs and yelled she was calling 911 for help and I simply stated please do that I need some.

[ScarletOlive]

Hey Kwamina, I'm sorry you had to endure such a terrible verbal attack. I know how tough it can be, and I'm very glad you survived! It is so good to hear that you are able to see your mom's behavior for what it is. While you may not be able to change her, you can keep moving forward and healing. That is awesome. What do you think helped you survive? How are you doing taking care of yourself now? Sending you much caring and support as you process this memory.

[Kwamina]

Thanks for your responses!

@XL

I agree, her rage was absolutely timed to complete undermine my independence and self-confidence. The attack really hurt me because eventhough she's always been cruel and extremely controlling and manipulative, she had never attacked me like this. I now realize that she did it because as I got older, her usual tactics of intimidation and manipulation were getting less effective so she needed something stronger. I remember from your other posts that you still have a very difficult relationship with your mother. I hope you'll also find ways to better deal with her bad behavior.

@susiecue

I'm very sorry to hear you had to go through that. How's your relationship with your mother now? Some behaviors you point out are very familiar to me. My mother in one of her insane rages once through a plate at my youngest sister's head. I was still very young when it happened but I already knew back then that my sister had done nothing wrong. The only thing she did was have a mind of her own and stand up for herself and my mother couldn't take that. My sister ended up moving out when she was just 18. After that things went downhill for me because I became the primary target of my uBPD mother's and uBPD sister's malevolent behavior. I also have an older brother, he was mean too but yet very different. My mother's and oldest sister's behavior has a very sadistic element to it and I have often seen the pleasure on their faces as they realized they succeeded in hurting me. They also never show any sincere remorse, but they sometimes do assume an extreme victim-role when they've gone too far and fear abandonment. Another thing that's very familiar, is how your mother threw herself onto the stairs and yelled she was calling 911. My mother also often threw herself on the floor, she only did this though whenever she was confronted with her bad behavior and realized that she wouldn't just get away with it like she was used too. This was another way of her to manipulate me in doing what she wants.

@ScarletOlive

Thanks for your kind and inspiring words! What did I do that helped me survive? That's a very good question and I often ask myself this too. When I was 12 years old I spiraled down into a severe depression. I didn't tell anybody and wasn't treated for it but I still remember to this day when it happened. I was spiraling down for a long time mostly as a result of my mother's escalating behavior. She was extremely controlling and hateful and I felt imprisoned, like there was no way out and all hope was gone. Looking back I now realize that was the thing that gave me the finally push into depression, I felt like all  hope was gone. Yet there was still something inside of me that kept going on, it felt like an automatic pilot. In many ways I was just a shadow of who I used to be but there was something inside of me that did not completely break and did not want to break, but I was very close though. The real turning point for me was a few years ago, I learned about BPD through a great article I found on this website and after that I learned about cognitive behavior therapy which really transformed my thinking and lifted me out of depression. The funny, well actually not so funny thing is that when I still lived with my mother there were many times I was trying to feel better and was really doing better too. She always seemed to sense that and would then intensify her negative remarks and explosive verbal attacks until I would sink right back into depression. As a kid I once had a dream that someone was looking into my bedroom while I was asleep. The person looked like my mother but the face was demon like. Back then it scared me because I thought I had dreamed about some sort of demon or devil who tried to fool me by taking on the appearance of my mother. But as I got older I realized it wasn't a demon taking on the appearance of my mother, but my mother taking on the appearance of a demon. I guess subconsciously I knew there was something very evil inside of her, in fact I've always known but there was nowhere for me to go so I tried to bury those thoughts.