Devalue & Discard

[Whitefang]

Can anyone explain what you think the D&:) process or decision is like for them?  I just know during STs, she always told me it was very hard to ignore me.   She read everything but felt she "had" to do it &  didn't know why.   

After the twist & switch, I've been tormented by this.   Yes it's been a long time apart but the aftershock has lasted almost as long as the relationship (several years).   

I'm still in shock.   Nothing seems to be working with me.   I can't afford a T & never will.   

Really like to keep focus on my question here.   Yes, it matters to me.   I want to understand even if it doesn't make much sense.   My minds always amok & I've never been able to stop it.   I've honestly never been hated or rejected like this before. 

Whole world seems different now.   Feels like I've stared too long at a bad accident & am haunted by images I can't erase.   

[mango_flower]

Hardhabit... .  you are not alone.  I could have written this post myself. 

I know we're supposed to lock it all away in a little box, to move on, to have no contact... .  

But I am like you, I need to understand to heal.

But there is no understanding this... .  

You can understand it in theory, but it never completely answers your questions.

I know that for me, my ex showed insight into why she had "moved on" from people before (though these were more like friends than a real love that WE had).  She said it was like she put the memories in a little box in her mind, and shut them away and refused to think about them.  Then one day they all came spilling out at once, which is what contributed to the demise of our relationship.

She doesn't know how she does it, she says she just does.  She focuses a lot on the future is MY understanding.  Right now she is planning her wedding to the new girl.  Urgh.  She is happy when planning the future.

She also twists what happens in the past is my understanding.  And only ever brings it up on her terms, to show what a victim she was.  Only when she feels "safe" and surrounded by other people who will listen to her stories.  It's done in a storytelling way, as in a "look what happened to me!" way, rather than in an attempt to deal with it and move on.

My own understanding is that they have the "ostrich syndrome" - bury their heads in the sand and then they don't have to face their own failings in life (as obviously we ALL have failings).  So they throw themselves madly into their new lives, focusing solely on their new partners/jobs/friends/hobbies.

If they're thinking about that, they don't have to deal with all the negative emotions that they associate with the end of OUR relationship with them... .  

I TOTALLY hear you on the sentence "The whole world seems different now, and that you're haunted". I've been trying to explain this to my best friend and my Mum and I'm not sure I get it.  It's like, hope and innocence has been lost.

I'm not sure I helped at all.  Just wanted to let you know that I really do understand.

[ScotisGone74]

I believe they really can't look back at all.  They really don't want to look back and see the trainwrecks they have cause or even think about it was them that actually caused it.  They have to lie to cover up the multiple train wrecks they have been involved in, they couldn't move on with Mr./Mrs. Right if they actually told the truth, they'd ruin how "perfect" the new person is if they were honest and forthcoming.  My ex BPD SO got married two months after our relationship came to an end, at four months she is now pregnant.   To be thrown away like a piece of trash, yeah it angered me, but to pretend I never existed, it confused me to say the least.  In the end I'm very happy I was Not

the one to have a kid with her, it was constant drama and exhausting dealing with just her, it surely will not be getting any better throwing a baby into the mix, its now someone else's problem.  But yeah, the whole world looks different to me now as well, its like I've been to the graveyard to see my headstone and then discover I have my whole life yet to live. 

The great thing about this forum is that while many of your family and friends have No clue what you are talking about, most everyone here does.

[tailspin]

HHtB  

We are devalued and discarded because of their shame and they often don't understand why their patterns of behaving compel them to do this.  Often this originates in the family of origin and this is also how their mental illness forms when they are young children.  Our ex's live out a self fulfilling prophecy that begins with a faulty belief that they aren't loveable.  Often they control the relationship demolition to reduce the anxiety they feel from not knowing when they will be abandoned because they are sure it's only a matter of time. Their lives are full of constant dread and fear and they devalue and discard us to avoid the abandonment pain; they deflect the pain onto us.

My ex would often comment that he felt as if I was going to "pull the rug out from under him" without any evidence this was true.  I spent a lot of time trying to reassure him but my words and actions didn't matter and never helped.  He was convinced that it was only a matter of time before I left him.  He was paranoid and would twist everything I said or did to further reinforce this belief; he finally came to the end of where he could tolerate the unknown and moved on.  He essentially wiped the slate clean and began again with someone new.

Of course we don't know this is what's going through their heads and this compels us to try harder.  Radical acceptance of the illness allowed me to stop wondering why and focus on myself.  Our love will not cure mental illness and we cannot be responsible for other people's behaviors.  We cannot reason with them and we cannot make them see the light.

I think once they make a decision to devalue and discard us their stress and anxiety is reduced because they are able to stop worrying about when it will happen.   It is shocking for us... .  and what you're experiencing is the same thing we've all been through.  I'm sorry you are going through this; you did nothing to deserve this.  Once you realize there was nothing you could have done to avoid the outcome it becomes easier to accept. Thier script plays out the same way every time and the ending is always unhappy for "us" but a relief for "them."  I hope this helps you to understand.  

tailspin

[grad]

Here's something that may help you:

Quoting Fragmented Selves: Temporality and Identity in Borderline Personality Disorder by T.Fuchs

Patients with borderline personality disorder lack the capacity to establish a coherent self-concept. Instead, they adopt what could be called a ‘post-modernist’ stance towards their life, switching from one present to the next and being totally identified with their present state of affect. Instead of repression, their means of defence consists in a temporal splitting of the self that excludes past and future as dimensions of object constancy, bonding, commitment, responsibility and guilt. The temporal fragmentation of the self avoids the necessity of tolerating the threatening ambiguity and uncertainty of interpersonal relationships.

From what I read on a forum with individuals diagnosed with BPD, they don't necessarily phase you out of their life, just the part of them that was you, piece by piece as they move on and stay in the present.

[SarahinMA]

My guess is that they look to us to take away the pain they have.  These people have no sense of self; they are empty, sad, angry, scared on the inside.  When they meet us, they "fall" fast and hard.  I had NEVER been idealized before- in the way my ex did.  A part of him seemed so happy when we were together, but there was always that sense of "when is she going to leave?" 

At the end, the honeymoon phase was way over and we had both settled in a normal relationship.  There were no more butterflies, no more infatuation.  I told him I didn't want to go camping with him and some other couples and then that was it.  I'm guessing he sensed that I no longer wanted to be with him and he devalued me and discarded me before I had the chance to leave him (which wasn't going to happen).  If they even sense that you are going to "abandon" them, then forget it... .  it's done.  My ex also had the help of his narcissistic best friend telling him that I was a horrible person. 

It's extremely painful, but it's their way of coping with fear of abandonment (in combination with) the fear of intimacy/being controlled.  They push people away, and paint them black to justify their fear. 

[mango_flower]

At the end, the honeymoon phase was way over and we had both settled in a normal relationship.  There were no more butterflies, no more infatuation.  I told him I didn't want to go camping with him and some other couples and then that was it.  I'm guessing he sensed that I no longer wanted to be with him and he devalued me and discarded me before I had the chance to leave him (which wasn't going to happen).  If they even sense that you are going to "abandon" them, then forget it... .  it's done.   

This is exactly what happened with me, Sarah!  She freaked because she thought I was no longer as committed to our relationship as the fairytale at the start had settled in to reality... .  I think you're right as to why they just cut and run, so they are taking some control.

And I wonder if they devalue as quickly, and don't think about it, as it's too painful... .  they really did love us in their own way.  But they perceived we rejected them... .  and that's too painful.  So they cut and run, and then devalue us so it doesn't hurt so much.