What's the difference between a BPD break-up and a "normal" breakup?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've never been in love before this relationship... .  

I have loved a few people I have seen short term, and been really sad when it's ended, but it didn't overwhelm my life like this.

But then - I have never committed to marry any of the others, nor have a future with them... .  

So I'm not sure if it's just that this is my first experience of heartbreak, or if this genuinely is as awful as I think!

I'm sure my friends think I should be over it by now... .  

Can anyone who has ever had a long term relationship with a non-BPD highlight any of the differences or similarities between the breakups? 

I imagine that confusion is something more inherent to BPD breakups, and frustration... .  although I am sure these occur in SOME non-BPD breakups?

Thanks in advance

[mango_flower]

I've never been in love before this relationship... .  

I have loved a few people I have seen short term, and been really sad when it's ended, but it didn't overwhelm my life like this.

But then - I have never committed to marry any of the others, nor have a future with them... .  

So I'm not sure if it's just that this is my first experience of heartbreak, or if this genuinely is as awful as I think!

I'm sure my friends think I should be over it by now... .  

Can anyone who has ever had a long term relationship with a non-BPD highlight any of the differences or similarities between the breakups? 

I imagine that confusion is something more inherent to BPD breakups, and frustration... .  although I am sure these occur in SOME non-BPD breakups?

Thanks in advance

[GustheDog]

A few months ago I started a thread on the same topic with almost the same content.

There weren't too many replies, but, generally, I can conclude only that it must be very, very different.

For one, falling out of love with someone is likely a process, and a healthy person, I suspect, would have an ongoing dialogue with their partner concerning their feelings.  Basically, there should be no "I want to marry you, you're my soulmate" stuff followed by "You are the most terrible person in the world and I never want to see you again" the very next week.  Also, totally being shut out of someone's life is not normal, I don't think. 

I don't know - I've never had a "normal" r/s.  But I am thinking that, while it may hurt, you're going to sense the two of you growing apart, and, furthermore, you are going to be engaged in ongoing discussions about the status of your relationship *as it's happening*.

For example, if a major transition is going to cause one partner to move to another city in, say, six months, you'd probably sit down and talk about this.

I guess things that I at least *hope* would NOT be present in a normal breakup would be:

- abrupt ending after things seem to be going just fine

- raging, nastiness, insults, lying, cheating, silent treatments, triangulation (read definition)

- ZERO communication on significant topics

These are the things that characterized my BPD breakup, and I hope to never, ever experience that again.

[clairedair]

Here's a copy of a post by GP44 from December 2011 that I printed out and re-read when I am struggling

Breakups are never easy, but what makes these excruciatingly painful to move on from is the following:

- No Closure. Closure to me doesn't mean that you can tidy something up psychologically, file it away and never have to think about it again. But I think it does mean that you come to a place of serenity and peace of mind. Closure from the end of a relationship with a Cluster B is extraordinarily hard to attain and it has to come from within, because our exes can't and won't help with this.

- There is usually an abrupt ending. Things were going so well, you seemed so close, there was probably a lot of talk about a long-term future and plans made, and then they abruptly pulled the rug out from underneath you and ran. It really does a number on your psyche. We spend a lot of time beating ourselves up when these people walk out of our lives, saying "If only I had done this, or if only I had done that... .  " etc. The truth, however, is that there is literally nothing you could ever do to maintain a healthy, functional relationship with them. Things may go very well for a while, the day to day dynamic may seem healthy and functional, but at some point these people hit a wall that they can never seem to get past.

- No validation or acknowledgment of what you had together. This was hard for me - so much talk about marriage, was told many times that I was The One, that I was the best guy she'd ever had, she told her parents that I was different from every guy she had ever dated and she wanted to marry me. I know she was sincere at the time because who would con their parents in addition to their significant other? And then came the blindside breakup and the refusal to acknowledge or talk to me. It was a complete denial of my feelings and the seriousness of our bond. It makes you feel like you never meant anything to them and they were able to discard you like the contents of a garbage can without ever looking back. You feel erased.

- While there are many cases where people with this condition carry this chaos into all aspects of their lives, your ex may be high-functioning, able to hold down a job and excel at it, along with an extensive network of friends and an active social life. They may excel at certain hobbies, skills or interests. You have experienced something bizarre, dysfunctional and unhealthy within the confines of your relationship, and yet to the outside world this person appears to have their ___ together. It can make you feel like you are the crazy one and you lose your ability to trust in your own judgment. But the truth of the matter is that their abandonment and attachment issues only deploy when they get close to intimacy and commitment in a committed relationship.

- Your imagination becomes your own worst enemy. You assume that they are sailing along in paradise happy as a clam without you, while you have this horribly traumatic wound to attend to. It's like you got mugged and beaten up. There you are, laying on the ground with broken bones and you have a long recovery process ahead of you, but your muggers are walking down the street with your wallet without any thought of what they left behind. It doesn't seem fair at all that they get to be happy (which is what you assume is the case) while you struggle to pick up the pieces and move on. It may not seem like it sometimes, but these people are MISERABLE. They are broken, hurting and lost in ways that you and I will never be. And the good news is that WE have the capacity to examine our wounds, move forward, and become stronger people with stronger boundaries and more to offer a healthy person. But our exes? They will continue to drift in the black void they call their life. If you think that a person like this can have a carefree existence, you do not understand this condition. They may appear happy and that might indeed be the case when they are in the "puppy love" phase of a new relationship, but if they have not dealt with their issues, their relationships will continue to fail, the cycle will continue, and their deep-seated feelings of self-loathing, pain, fear and despair will continue.

- Despite the fact that they abused our love, and logically and rationally we know that it would not be healthy to return and revive this relationship even if it were an option, we cannot just shut off our feelings of love and there is a part of us that wants them back. We would not be in so much pain and missing them if our exes did not have good qualities and the relationship didn't bring us joy. Healthy people don't end relationships abruptly when things are going well. Healthy people only walk away from relationships when obvious issues of compatibility, goals and values arise, or if their needs are not being met or they are being mistreated over a sustained period of time and efforts to fix this fail.

As far as your ex forgetting you – these people do not grieve, they repress. They have to repress. It is the only coping mechanism that they know. It's how they avoid asking themselves, "Why did I push a good person away?" They will rewrite history and find some way to make you unsuitable, idiosyncrasies you had will be elevated to deal breakers, or they will manufacture some reason why it would never have worked anyway, etc. It's like a psychological levee they build in order to keep out memories and feelings which will lead to pain, which will lead to introspection and accountability. They are obviously TERRIFIED of these things. This "levee" can consist of lies they tell themselves about you, some new love interest, their career, anything to distract them. Much later on, that levee will probably break. And when that happens, they will go through the pain they didn't go through at the beginning. This is why you hear so much about these kinds of people re-engaging, coercion, etc, even months or years later. They never really get over anyone. They just bury, bury, bury.

I think the proper attitude is to recognize that:

a) These people are severely disordered.

b) They really did love you (in their own way) but the disorder will ALWAYS win until they get help.

c) They had/have good qualities that you can enjoy in a future person.

d) You will come out of this a stronger person.

In the end, all you can do is fix yourself. You want to be ready for the next person who comes along - not your ex, but the person that is everything your ex would be and more because they are healthy and whole and can sustain a relationship. The focus has to be brought back to you.

[Cimbaruns]

I was in a long term relationship prior to my exBPD... .  one that included two children that are young adults now... .  and believe me, the ending of that r/s was NOTHING like this relationship.

My exBPD wife "hooked" me from the very beginning I was.madly attracted to her ... .  so so in love... .  she was my soul mate and my " always and forever"!

I can honestly say I played a major part in the dysfunctional dance if you will... .  totally codependent

I can say that it has been the most painful lesson I have ever been through... .  and only now being free and outside of it I can truly see all of the many times I ignored my instincts and over looked ALL of those HUGE red flags

I'm taking this whole experience to heart and learning so very much about myself...

[syz]

I have a theory about this... and it isn't pretty. 

having been through some 'normal' break ups... they are hard enough.  But the devastation with infidelity or mental illness is a whole other level of awful. 

I remember reading a study about loyalty and devotion.  This has nothing to do with trust but oddly it showed people felt more loyal and devoted to those who treated them poorly at times than those who always treated them well.  It was mind boggling to read that but I had noticed it when looking at infidelity statistics.  I think the guy who did the study got the idea because he had a group of baby chickens or ducks, can't remember which, that were imprinted on him and followed him around.  He stepped on one by accident and hurt it and it clung to him even more desperately and wouldn't leave his side.  He found that disturbing. 

I think part of the difficultly is the level of confusion and messed up reality and wanting to somehow correct that with consensus but I also believe the above may explain some of the rest.