aluminumRob
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 5
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« on: March 15, 2013, 08:08:38 PM » |
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First post from a former lurker:
A couple of hours ago I left my undiagnosed pwBPD after a 1-year relationship. We've recycled 10+ times this year (maybe even 20... . but I don't want to count), including a very dedicated break-up attempt by me 2 weeks ago today. But this one is different, and it's real... . and she accepted it in a way that I never thought she was capable of. We had a 45 minute conversation after she accepted it, and she didn't try to win me back. It was really moving, and a sign of how much she's matured since I met her.
She is truly a smart, wonderful, emotionally intelligent person (until the moment she gets emotional), with some terrible emotional pain and some downright evil habits that she can't seem to kick.
We talked for an hour tonight, then I cried for an hour, hard, then I wrote in my journal. Without getting into the details of our year together, I wanted to share what I wrote with this group. I don't think that I will be able to communicate what I've gone through and what I'm feeling now to anyone that I know in real life, and it might be therapeutic to share here with people here might better relate. I guess I can't really explain it fully, but I just really, really want to share.
Warning: This was a journal entry, written for myself in a stream of thought, only mildly edited for readability. Sometimes I'm talking to her ("you" sometimes I'm talking about her ("she", and I clarified some things using parentheses.
Our last conversation just now was pure, raw, honest, and telling. I wish I could have recorded it. I remembered why I love you - all the reasons. And I remembered why I cannot be with you. And why you probably shouldn't be with me.
It's so clear how much she's matured, grown, taken control and responsibility for her thoughts, feelings, and actions. It makes me so happy. She's still an emotional mess but... . She let me go. She spoke with me like a person as I abandoned her. We joked, connected, got to that loving place where we were so happy so many times. With the relationship stripped away, and all the ~ed up defenses that instantly come up when she believes she's in one (a relationship) gone, she revealed her self in all it's wonder. I'll miss those times with her so much. Being in love. I won't miss the sickening feeling of knowing where we were headed. I can't believe it's all over.
Thank you for teaching me the feeling of love. Thank you for challenging me emotionally and teaching me about emotions of all kinds. I don't want to ever forget the real you. It was such a fleeting thing, wanting to show itself and be accepted, but always running and hiding at the first sign of closeness. I know if you didn't have these defenses, you probably would have been taken long ago and found happiness with another man, and I would never have had the chance to experience you the way that I did. But I wonder, if you didn't have them, would you have loved me? Would I have loved you? I'll probably never know.
I wish I could save our last conversation and our laughs and closeness forever. It will fade to the past, I guess, with each passing day. But I hope I always remember you by the feelings I had the last time we spoke. The worst part (of, one of them) is that when you weren't bringing the worst out of me, you brought the best out of me. You made me amazing and smart and exactly how I want myself to be. I'm not the first and not the last man you'll do that for. It's just what you do. But God dammit, I will miss that.
I miss you, hit__. I love you.
Be good. Goodbye.
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