A Christian approach for wives?

[beachtalks]

I have been reading the bible and praying and trying to use "Grace" in the dynamics with my husband w/BPD and it's working SO WELL!  It's a lot like applying DEARMAN, only it's more intrinsically motivated: softening my heart   and being more tender to his issues, allowing my husband to lead, being agreeable--even when he's wrong--as long as it's not abusive, and employing a kind of gentle and quiet spirit.  He is so appreciative and I'm earning much more of his respect and trust with this approach.  I am waking early to study scriptures and pray for my marriage, and the issues that come up between my husband and I seem to evaporate now before ever having a chance to become an argument.

     I went back and looked at DEARMAN, and tried to find the differences.  I think that having a humble attitude towards my husband, and expressing feelings that show my humble suffering, is much more effective with him than formal statements, questions, and ultimatums.  I hope I am not offending anyone here as maybe I'm just not that great at DEARMAN).  DEARMAN was making me feel like a therapist or school teacher, and the approach of a soft-hearted wife (not a pushover, but Christlike--STRONG in love), feels much more natural and rewarding. (Not to mention, I'm not just doing this for my marriage)... .  

     I realize this post make creep some people out who feel it's a sexist approach, and I hope I'm, not being too religious for this board, but I am curious whether it could improve the dynamics in other marriages like it is ours.  ?  The trust my husband is suddenly giving me is absolutely stunning me! (If you only knew.)

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[Rockylove]

I can only speak for myself on this subject.  I personally do not subscribe to the Biblical view~~especially in matters of the submissive wife.  I do believe in Jesus' teaching of love and acceptance, however.  I believe that lives can be transformed when approaching what we encounter with a loving heart. 

As for "being agreeable--even when he's wrong"... .  I would caution you not to allow yourself to be lost in your agreement~~you don't want to compromise your integrity for the sake of being "agreeable" even if it's small.  You may end up resentful and that's not your goal, I'm sure. 

The lessons here are a guideline proven successful for many.  We are all individuals with issues in our relationships with our BPD that may be similar and finding the ways that work best for us and our relationship is the main goal.  I'm glad you've found something that works for you and your hubby and it's wonderful that you've shared that because it may very well help someone else find a different approach to their situation if what they are doing isn't working for them.

[beachtalks]

Thanks Rocky, I do know what you mean about finding what works for us individually.  As far as being agreeable even when he's wrong (or when I at least think he's wrong), I do this to build trust, and hope the payoff will be bigger than the sacrifice.  I'm more apt to resent myself for not being supportive and sweating too much of the small stuff, and not being respectful than I am being resentful.

How are you guys doing?

[yeeter]

Thanks for sharing what is working for you beach.  Like stated, it doesnt necessarily matter what works for other people, just what works for the two individuals that are in the relationship.

As far as being agreeable even when he's wrong (or when I at least think he's wrong), I do this to build trust, and hope the payoff will be bigger than the sacrifice. 

Be careful here.  Giving something, with the 'hope' of something else coming back in return - might not happen.  Then resentment can creep in.  Many of us here have fallen trap to this thinking, and then when our partner hasnt reciprocated we feel even worse (we put our entire person and everything we had into the relationship, and get nothing in return).  Im not saying this is happening in your case, Im just saying it has happened here many times so be careful.

It does sound like you are seeing a different behavior - which has improved things for you.  As long as its healthy for YOU as well, and you dont feel like you are losing yourself, then its a matter of using whatever tools that get good results!

[Wishful thinking]

Thnx Beachtalks.


BPD is way outside of my comfort zone. This website has helped me so much to learn about the disorder. Thing to watch out for and to avoid etc etc. And applying these things together with prayer and faith in the Lord, makes it even more powerful and effective. Believing that i can only do my best in the natural by equipping myself as far as i know how. Learning about BPD etc. And when divine intervention is needed, God is faithful to put his super on my natural.

[Chosen]

Hi beachtalks,

For me, I try and learn the Biblical approach to being a wife because I believe in God and the Bible so I try to do what God says.  Whether it will help my relationship with my uBPDh, I have no idea, but at least I can be accountable to God when He asks me 

My H thinks I am the most un-gentle person ever, and he also thinks he sacificed a lot for me but I don't for him.  He also thinks I'm the most unsubmissive wife ever.  I think even if one day I can learn all those, he still will not see any difference in me because he sees me the way he wants to.  If I am doing it for him to appreciate me I would've stopped trying long ago!