Another BPD in my life ... ?

[nolisan]

 I'm 5 months out of a one year r/s with a BPD and healing up pretty darn well.

Part of my healing had been my work - I produce and annual Spring music festival. It an awesome job that I have done for 4 years. It's a small charity thing but I work directly selecting 40 bands (over 100 musicians) and a dozen coordinators. Needless to say I get pretty busy two months out.

Last year about this time I got an email from the ex telling me she was going to detach until the fest was over. That email flattened me and hurt. I was looking forward to having a SO for emotional support through this stressful time.

The r/s had started in Nov and there had be many cycles if her detaching but now for TWO MONTHS - just when I needed her the most. How freaking cruel!

When I look back I know why - my work interfered with her needing to be the focus of my attention. I think too that she was jealous - despite the stress the fest brings me great joy and passion. I am glad she's gone and seek a relationship based on equality where both partner can lean on each other during stressful times.

So ... .  that was just a preamble. A new potential BPD has popped into my life and I seek "the families opinion" before I find myself "repeating the same experiment and expecting a different result".

I have a lot of friends on Facebook related to the fest. A woman commented on a posting of mine and we struck up an echat. I confess I have flirted with her and she is attractive. She is a musician and very connected. She expressed and interest in getting involved. Note she live in a different city 1.5 hours away.

Things have progressed and we have had a few telephone chats - first about the fest and now more about ourselves. And there seems to be a mutual attraction. Cool so far ... .  

The last conversation kind of floored me. She told me a lot (too much?) about her life - quite disjointed, raped at 6, predominately involved with women romantically. Beep! Similar to my ex. Then she told me how getting involved in this fest is taking her out of a depressive episode. Beep. And she wants to be my right hand woMan at the fest. Then her last words last night "I love you!" Honk Honk!

Is my radar functioning properly? Any opinions from "the Fam"?

[nolisan]

 Note to self:

My inner "love junky" wants to dive right in but I have made a commitment to myself to give myself a year (Oct) before getting into a new relationship. This woman is interesting and attractive and wants to help - helping will help her.

I feel I need to establish boundaries quickly here. I am going to do this today before I find myself in bed with this woman.

[mango_flower]

Your gut feeling is there and doing a very good job!

I know it's tempting, and it feels like moving on... .  

But it won't be.  You'll just be going backwards in a way.

If I could have another BPD in my life just now, I probably would want to jump in feet first... .  that honeymoon stage is amazing!  And you always get scared there will be nobody else... .  

But take the time for you.

If she ISN'T BPD, then time will show that and if she sticks around, she's worth it.

Maintain headspace and distance is my advice 

Good luck with the festival x

[Newton]

I think your radar is working just fine... .  that is a pretty comprehensive list of  

If part of your healing has been your work... .  won't involving her in it be a double whammy to possibly sabotage your own healing if things go badly?... .  

What kind of boundaries are you planning... .  and do you feel strong enough to enforce them?... .  

[HarmKrakow]

Telling something about your past does not necessarily have to be a huge red flag  . Not everyone who got abused in the past is BPD, or someone who we should run away from.

[Wooddragon]

Agree that telling someone about your past too soon does not make you BPD - but is that really someone you would trust to arrive out of nowhere and be an effective "right hand person" in planning & executing something that was important to you? - someone wanting closely involve themselves in my life too soon is now a massive  for me after the way that my ex drew me in by being "helpful"

[HarmKrakow]

Agree that telling someone about your past too soon does not make you BPD - but is that really someone you would trust to arrive out of nowhere and be an effective "right hand person" in planning & executing something that was important to you? - someone wanting closely involve themselves in my life too soon is now a massive  for me after the way that my ex drew me in by being "helpful"

But what is 'too soon' ?

Again, for me, stating about your past relatively quickly after a few talks is something I don't consider a red flag. There are as many sane people who had screwed up youths without BPD as with BPD

What I consider a red flag is ...

1) wanting to live together talks after a few discussions

2) mimicking behavior is

3) during discussions you'll notice whether or not they are typical 'black/white' thinkers.

Especially the last one, for me, now when I talk with others is something I consider a big red flag. Either all is good, or really bad. And when then after a 2nd or 3rd time tell you they also watched a match of your favorite team then my bell goes ringing. Not when someone got raped and throws it on the table.

I rather have someone tell me that now, than when you hear that 6 months in when you have a relationship and realize that person constantly pushed those thoughts and emotions under the rug and when you want to become intimate a entire '~ storm' comes loose.

[nolisan]

Thanks all.

I know I may tend to be overly hyper vigilant. Not every passionate person is BPD.

In my discussion with her today I am going to explain a little more about me and why I need to be conscious of boundaries. After all this is a working relationship. I can express my gratitude that she finds her involvement healing.

[atcrossroads]

While I agree that certainly every abused person does not develop a pd, those  sound like red flags to me.  She is putting you on a pedestal and she barely knows you.  I would proceed with great caution and keep her at a comfortable emotional distance. 

[BeHappyAgain]

After reading this ladies description of her life and loves I reached for my trusty

Red-flag-ometer (TM) - it was in overdrive !