talked to him and got told everything is my fault

[laelle]

Ok, I know not to take this personal, but being told I am the child and everything is my fault and if I dont straighten up im out... .  I am sitting here in shock.  I ignored it and told him I was here if he wanted to talk, and then he stopped talking to me.  

I'm like    Its not me, right?

I need hugs and stuff.   :'(

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LetItBe]

You are correct -- it's not your fault!  I know how it can really hurt even armed with that knowledge.  It's BPD, not you. Sending you a big dose of "don't take it personally" and lots of hugs! 

[laelle]

 :'( :'( :'(

Guess I will leave him alone for a few days and then see if he can get that big stick removed from his behind, or maybe I just wont.

Does anyone want to be my boyfriend because I dont like this one anymore?  :'(

[myself]

laelle, sorry you are going through this. I am too. Got back together with my gf, couldn't stay away, there's too much love. Things were going very well, then she flipped again and I get the blame. I reached out to her so we could talk but she refuses (we don't live together anymore). She said communication is key but then is the one who won't answer her phone or get together to talk in person. So I reach out, which gets her withdrawing, then I reach out more thinking being loving will help but it makes her go even farther away. So I sit patiently waiting to see if we'll really talk sometime but the hours pass by and when she does text back or whatever it's just being mean and cold and wrecking the goodness between us. So I feel for you. Wish I knew what to say to help you but all I have right now is support from someone also going through this. Plus this: 

[GreenMango]

  its real easy to blame things all on one person.  We know this rarely is true.

Is this his extinction burst over the boundary with money?

[laelle]

He mentioned that I argued about money, then I wanted to be back on his facebook.  Then he opened up that he was tired of fighting about the same stuff, that he never gets to go anywhere, that I never give him any space and that I am a child and he feels like he is in a childish relationship and that I need to change.    

When I have an opinion its called being a btch.

[GreenMango]

Looking at the tools and falling back on those for this situation what would be some good ones?

It sounds like he's throwing a tantrum.

[laelle]

There is nothing I can do atm.  He isnt listening to reason.  I told him that I didnt want things to end, and that it was his decision.  That I would be here for him if he wants to talk.  I cant validate right now other than to say I know the situation is hard.

He stopped talking to me anyway.  I told him I was coming to see him in April.  He didnt respond but he didnt tell me not to either.  He just ignores me.

[laelle]

Thank you myself and I truly sorry that your in a similar situation as me.  Its not easy to love someone and be the reason for all their problems.

I really hope things improve for you, but the rages are never easy eh?    right back at you.

[GreenMango]

Laelle you are doing what you can.  Using the tools.  You are good at knowing where to apply them.

Maybe just waiting like mentioned.  It's hard though.  Do you have some feel good things you can do for you right now?  Walk or massage etc? 

[laelle]

Amareto and Coke   and talking to an old friend.

[GreenMango]

Amareto and Coke   and talking to an old friend.

 have some much needed fun and relaxation.  It's very easy to get wrapped up in their stuff and sometimes nothing works besides letting them run outta steam.

[laelle]

Yeah, I guess ill have to.  Dont want to go in for tongue lashing #2 

Thank you for helping me to take a moment and check myself.  I am not a child.  If I am a child he is a bigger one than I am.

[daze]

I'm with you, laelle!  Everything this weekend is my fault too.     It will pass.

An Amaretto and coke and talking with friends sound good. 

[laelle]

Hey daze, we are both in the doghouse this weekend I see.  I hope it passes.  Wish it would never come back.

[coworkerfriend]

 

It is not you.  You did not break it and you can't fix it.  You are doing what you can.

Everything this past week has been completely my fault according to my pwBPD.  It sounds like we have been having similar conversations.  I know that exact feeling - wishing it would pass and wishing that this kind of week would never come back.  But it does come back.

My rage period is ending with him. He is exhausted.  I can see it in his eyes.

Waiting it out is hard - glad you are doing it with a friend. 

[laelle]

thank you coworkerfriend.  He sounds like he hates me. I am glad that yours is ending.  I will go do something tomorrow.  I got paid today. 

[daze]

I wish it would never come back too.

[hellokitty4]

no matter what kind of relationship... bf/gf, husband/wife, friend/friend, parent/child I am finding the language to be the same. It's like they went to some kind of BPD school to be speaking in the same way.I never thought it would this difficult to love someone so dearly and yet not know where you stand from day to day.

[LetItBe]

I wish it would never come back too.

Me, too! 

I really do admire you sticking up for your boundaries, laelle.  Sounds like he's throwing a huge tantrum for sure. 

I like to put things into 2 categories when I'm feeling foggy:  His Stuff | My Stuff.  It really helps when I feel like my mind is spinning in endless thought loops.  When an intrusive thought comes in, if I'm able, I automatically assign it to "His Stuff" if it doesn't belong in my head.

Wish I could join you for some Amaretto and Coke.   

[daze]

I like to put things into 2 categories when I'm feeling foggy:  His Stuff | My Stuff.  It really helps when I feel like my mind is spinning in endless thought loops.  When an intrusive thought comes in, if I'm able, I automatically assign it to "His Stuff" if it doesn't belong in my head.

Thank you!  That is a very helpful thing to remember!

[elemental]

I agree he is having some sort of tantrum.

I would just go quiet on him and go do other things. It's really hard, I know. 

[waverider]

I like to put things into 2 categories when I'm feeling foggy:  His Stuff | My Stuff.  It really helps when I feel like my mind is spinning in endless thought loops.  When an intrusive thought comes in, if I'm able, I automatically assign it to "His Stuff" if it doesn't belong in my head.

Thank you!  That is a very helpful thing to remember!

You are individuals, that ability to recognize his stuff from your stuff is essential, it reduces enmeshment and codependency. It will reduce the tendency to make reactive decisions based on what their reactions may, or may not, be, rather than what is right. It will help you to retain objectivity and better goals.

[myself]

Thanks laelle, that's kind of you. Hope things improve soon for all of us.

You are individuals, that ability to recognize his stuff from your stuff is essential, it reduces enmeshment and codependency. It will reduce the tendency to make reactive decisions based on what their reactions may, or may not, be, rather than what is right. It will help you to retain objectivity and better goals.

I had been doing better as far as not reacting/overreacting to what was being said and done, but not as well the past few days and I see how that made it worse for both of us. It's hard to stick with being calm and balanced when the blame and pain clouds start pouring, but being myself (emotions included) helps. Our hearts turn away the b.s.

[patientandclear]

that I never give him any space and that I am a child and he feels like he is in a childish relationship and that I need to change.

He will never ever EVER find anyone better at giving him space.  If he maintains this position -- poor him.  This is an epic life long screw up.

[laelle]

Sorry Guys im in France, so I was asleep for alot of those last kind replies.

Nongf - Thank you, I did not realize he was in a full fledge dyregulation until he emailed me all that horrible insulting stuff last nite.

I sat and thought to myself, I may not be the most mature person in the world, but im not the ignoring, stamping my foot, and blaming everyone else for my problems.   Yes, I would love to share a drink with you too. 

Elemental- I have two children and I really resent having to put up with a 3 year olds tantrum in a 34 year old man.

Hellokitty- my exhusband was around when it happened last nite.  He said, it seems funny, but he is saying the exact same thing he said the last time he went off on you... .  and he is right.  Almost word for word.

Waverider - I listened to him and I did explain vaguely the original situation that set him off.  The other stuff I just told him I was trying to hear what he was saying.  Asking him questions about his questions to which I was called Marla Maples (whoever that is), but when he started to tell me I had to change on things that I did not feel needed changing I ignored the statement and told him again that I was here if he wanted to talk.  He got the message and went away.  He did email NN when he went to bed but I was already passed out. 

Patient - He's an idiot.  It made me think last nite.  You know, he use to say the same thing to me while he was with his ex, who is he complaining too when its me who is the bad guy?   

[yeeter]

Categorizing the ownership - and recognizing what truly is yours to own, is a critical step.

Remember - its impossible (or at a minimum very very difficult) for a BPD to take responsibility for something.  Even a relatively minor 'blame' or 'acceptance of fault', is internalized as 'oh my god I am a truly evil person and dont deserve to live'.  :)eep feelings of shame.  Consider the all black or all white thinking process, and how this must play out to them internally.

Im just saying, if they are one of two people in the room and there is something to cast blame for - it cannot be them (their thought process cant allow it) - so that means its you.  For whatever it is.

So for me... .  working together to determine 'whos fault' anything is, is a lost cause.  Triggering, and digresses quickly from there.  No matter how much 'I' would like it if my partner would just own up to something.  Its not about me.  Its something, that isnt possible for them - so I shouldnt expect it to happen.

But you cant own it either.  And this means gaining your own confidence as a person back.  Watching your own side of the street and behavior, and avoiding the fleas of being in the relationship.  

Time prioritized for taking care of your own emotional health is critical for this.  Read a book, take a walk, exercise, socialize with other friends and family.  Especially be sure you are interacting with other healthy people, that give you energy, on a regular basis.

[yeeter]

I really resent having to put up with a 3 year olds tantrum in a 34 year old man.

The resentment will eat you up.  Fact is, you ARE dealing with an emotionally undeveloped person.  This means its NOT equal or fair, and you are providing a caregiving role in the relationship.  Understanding that asking someone who has only the development of a 12 year old, to suddenly start acting like a well developed 34 year old - is unlikely to be successful.

And a comment:  I notice my alcohol consumption goes up or down with the amount of stress I am experiencing.  It works for the evening, but be careful of this becoming the mechanism by which you sooth your own emotions.  Same for food.  (two of my favorites, alcohol and food).  Find some other - healthier - outlets.  You will need them in the long run, and these two in particular are hugely damaging to your long term health.

[laelle]

I do realize that ducks cant bark and dogs cant quack, but this isnt really about him.  Its about me.

I know him, how he is, the right steps, the right words... .  Its been 4 months since I have gotten the really rotten end of him.  

Its taken 4 months and a little help from me for him to crack.  He will crack again and again and again.  The things he cracked about are things that are important to me.  He wont budge, I wont budge... .  I feel im wasting my time.

Dont worry about my alcohol consumption, the last time I had a drink was 4 months ago.  

I had a surgery where I cant gain weight, but yeah, feeding or drinking emotions wont help in the long term.

[waverider]

And a comment:  I notice my alcohol consumption goes up or down with the amount of stress I am experiencing.

This is true I noticed it happening to me, That bottle of wine in the evening went from being a chill out reward after a hard day, to a blocking medication against resentment , after a while that wasn't enough and I often opened a second.

Then I woke up and started working on me instead of blocking the RS with wine, but it was a close enough call to make me realize many nons will have been driven to drink by a pwBPD. Now I can enjoy a wine again in a healthy way without it being a means to block